JOURNAL 9


6:34 pm, 08/26/01

subject: on my own...

Whether I like it or not, I am finally on my own now. As I look around my apartment at this very instance, the only thought that crosses my mind is that there really is no place like home.

Before I came to Los Angeles, my mentality about this whole transition was rather immature. Even the night before I left, I was like "yes, freedom has arrived! I cannot wait to leave home and do whatever I want." The reality, however, is that I am NOT as prepared for this transition as I thought. Not only am I awfully homesick, I feel so lost and lonely, as I spent my first weekend away from home. I still remember the moment I walked my parents to their car as they prepared to leave. Never in my wildest imagination did I expect my dad to cry...I thought he couldn't wait to get rid of me at last. Was I wrong or what...

I don't consider myself a very social or outgoing person, though I've been working very hard on that. So last night, I decided to go to a free concert held on campus with my roommate to change things a bit. As I stand there listening to that loud music playing, the little "joanna" inside of me kept screaming: this is not what you like. Your fav. places to hang out are the coffee shops, the bookstores, and your apt! Why are you changing yourself to try to fit in?" I do not want hundreds of friends or have everyone liked me, I only want those few friends who can really understand me. Maybe I am still trying to adjust to this transition, I feel very tired and helpless. At times, I wish I was one of those people that can just walk up to someone and start a conversation...but that's not what I really am. Why am I making myself feel so uncomfortable for acceptance that means nothing to me? Perhaps things will change as school starts tomorrow...but basically, I'm not liking this so far.

Luckily, my roommate and I get along pretty well, though I don't think she can really understand what I'm feeling right now since our personalities are so different from each other. We did have a lot of fun at Santa Monica on Sat. morning as we shopped the 3rd street Promenade. In comparison to where I am, it's heaven and hell. USC is like in the middle of a ghetto...oh well.

Lastly, I cannot believe Aaliyah died on a plane crash!! My jaw dropped to the floor when I heard this news on MTV. Why don't good things happpen to good people? She is such a young, bright artist with endless possibility. This bit of news does make me quite upset because I really do like her.

Okay, I must go and get ready for school tomorrow. God, please give me strength and courage.