I hate myself and I want to die...

The title above is a lyric from a Nirvana song. You know how sometimes you just have those days where everything seems crappy, and you feel so alone and like you don't even want to go on? I'm having one of those days. "Song to Sing" illustrates my feelings very well. Those lyrics seem to be written about how I am feeling right now. There are a lot of things going on in my life that I would like to change, but don't have the ability to. I won't go into all the depressing and boring details, but basically my parents play a large role in it. I know that everyone must have problems with their parents at some point, but it seems as though there is never a time when I am NOT having a problem with them. I try sooo hard to get along with them, and just do whatever they say to keep them happy, but it's like I just can't please them no matter what I do. I am 19, not 9. There comes a point in your life when you have to stop living to please your parents, and start living your own life. I am trying to find a good balance that allows me to direct my own life, but still allows me to respect my parents. It is VERY hard. I am the youngest in our family, so I think my parents are trying to hold onto me as long as possible. They want me to stay a child, and so they treat me like one. It's so hard to deal with right now because I have a lot of other things going on in my life that are demanding my attention, but I can't deal with them properly because of my parents. Anyway, I am just having a very hard time right now. Do you ever think that if you just had different parents your life would be so much better? I know mine would. I feel awful saying that because I totally respect my rents, but it is so hard to be their child. They are divorced, so it feels like I have two different controls in my life that tell me what to do, and most of the time those things they want me to do conflict with what the other one wants. That alone creates conflict. My mother gets mad at my dad and my dad gets mad at my mother. And I'm stuck right in the middle of it all. That's why I love going away to college! I feel free from them when I'm there. It was such a relief to live 10 months away from them on my own. No one was telling me what to do or where to go or what time to do it. I answered to myself, and I miss that. They think that because I'm out of college for the summer they can still treat me like I'm living at home as a teenager. I wish I had taken summer school or something, but I needed the money from working this summer. Well, this whole site is about my life and the truth of it, so I'm not sugar-coating anything here. If you don't care, I totally understand, but I'm not going to lie and say that I have this perfect life with perfect parents. I don't think anyone does. Although I know a lot of my friends are soooo much more luckier than they will ever know!

I don't hate myself, nor do I want to die, but sometimes it feels as though it would just be better if I weren't around. At least around my parents. When I graduate, I'm definitely moving away!

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