It is the morning after the bopperpalooza and I’m just getting over my general outrage. For starters I’d like to say that the only reason why I watched was because I was in pain and I was too lazy to get off the couch. There was no one else in the room and the damn remote was on the table. So, therefore, I was subjected to about an hour of mind-boggling crap and bopperishness.
Let me begin with my definition of a teenybopper. The word, used incorrectly by the way, can be an insult. A teenybopper, in my opinion is not necessarily of a non-consenting age as the popular critic definition defines. As, apparently, Microsoft Word 97 defines. No, I think that teenybopperishness (all attempts to pass this off as a word have failed miserably) has much deeper and more defined roots. In the “Webster’s New World College Dictionary” a teenybopper is defined as being “a young person, especially a girl, who follows the latest trends in fashion, popular music, etc. Personally I don’t think that word should have ever made it to the dictionary, but whatever turns their crank. Anyway, I think a teenybopper can be a little boy too, who will buy whatever they can from what they like. For instance the “Power Rangers” or even Survivor. These boppers will buy anything related to any subject they like, even so they know deep in their brains that the trend isn’t going to last and that TV will manufacture thousands of shows just like the popular ones. For me, it’s just an annoying pain the ass. I don’t watch Survivor. I don’t have any other CDs besides the forty-some-odd BSB ones I own. I own exactly one tank top. I believe in wearing bras, etc., etc.
How does one prove to a critic that they are not a bopper? Don’t swear, use complete sentences, or, even, essay formatted reasons why you believe what you believe. Try not to like every group that comes on the market and obsess over them. That takes your non-teenybopperishness into question. Also, don’t say you’ve loved them forever either, that annoys me to no end. Most of all, don’t rank on someone else’s immaturity. Think of more original comments when defending oneself. Oh, and please don’t get hung up on the subject of sex. Why does sex sell CDs to an 11-year-old? Enlighten me Oh Glorious One!
What does this have to do with last night’s show? Well, I’m basically saying don’t ever go to or watch a show like that. Actually you can, if it really pleases you to do so, go ahead. If you’re sixteen years old or more cameras will be all over you the whole time because the vast majority of the rest of the audience is much, much younger. And, even so the younger people buy all of their crap, they don’t want to put their faces on TV. It makes them look bad. Unless you’re that cute little four-year-old on her daddy’s shoulder in the front row… I’ll have to get back to her later; she has a story to tell. Anyway, if you are a sixteen-year-old and you’re in that audience you’re just a really old teenybopper. I try not to discriminate against people because of their age, mostly because everyone has to be eleven, twelve, and thirteen sometime in their life. But why presume to call your show anything with the word “Teen” in it, even if you know the majority of the audience hasn’t met that mark yet? And how many seventeen-year-olds read “Seventeen” magazines?
I’d rather not stick to the age subject because it’s tricky. It’s also a very touchy subject, but it needs to be in here. Now I’ll talk more about the show. I only saw an hour of it and unlike most award shows it ended at ten. This meant the producers assumed that most of their audience never stays up later than nine. Or, maybe, the “artists” who performed refused to stay longer than that. Except for Shaggy. Why didn’t they just call the damn thing “Shaggy In Concert”? Then I would’ve avoided that piece of shit completely. I’d also like to point out that I didn’t have an active hatred for Shaggy until I saw him in concert. Oh, that poor little girl…
I’ll get back to Shaggy in a second. First, I’ll talk about the hosts. There’s not much to say about them except for the fact I couldn’t understand a single word they were saying. The boppers were screaming much too loud for that. They weren’t screaming because it was good, they were screaming for the sake of screaming. It made me ill. In a way I don’t wish the Backstreet Boys to be nominated in there. It’s totally degrading to them. Believe me, I don’t think they want fans that act stupid like that.
Let’s talk about Sisquo now. Frankly, I was disappointed in him. Again, I don’t listen to his music, but my mom likes the Thong Song and he seemed like a nice dude to me. But at the bopperpalooza he totally degraded himself. Maybe he thought that he didn’t have to perform well because the boppers aren’t the kind of fan base he wants. Or something like that. The producers really wanted people to stay and watch Sisquo, so they plugged in that commercial with him doing a back flip. Then, in the performance, he didn’t do it. Plus, again, you couldn’t understand him because of the stupid little chicks, big chicks, and little boys in the audience. You’d think their friends would make fun of them… I have to admit that Sisquo is very athletic and he reminds me of a black AJ. Still, he should not grab himself in front of an audience like that. Four-year-old girls aren’t sexual in that way, we hope. They don’t need to be exposed to sex too early. Keep that out of your performances. Though, you weren’t as bad as Nelly.
Nelly is the mother of all bad principals. Eleven year olds are singing to his songs and pumping their little stick arms as they chant about doing dope and picking up whores. Way to go Nelly. You just personally dragged the next generation into the gutter. Your songs are sick, your performance had no good intentions and you blew the big one. You grabbed yourself so many times that I received the impression that your balls were no longer attached. Way to give America a bad name! That rat bastard is lucky that songs with any kind of beat sells, otherwise he’d be no more than a low-profile pimp.
I don’t remember the order of the performers, but I think Mandy Moore was on next. Out of Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears and Christina A., I like her the most. Why? Because she’s nice to our Boys, she doesn’t dress like a super hoe and she respects the fact that she has a very young fan base. She could improve herself by picking up an instrument and separating herself from the “ladies” mentioned above. Obviously she can’t dance, you could hardly understand what she was singing and she looked bored just standing there and pretending to flirt with the musicians. If she idolized and took after Krystal, she would be better. I love the fact that she dyed her hair so that she’s not a blonde anymore, but the bangs have to go. Put your hair in a ponytail or something girl! I still don’t like any of her songs though.
The only good part of the whole show was Jim Carrey. That little clip of what he did last year was a riot. Notice that only the older people in the audience were laughing at his jokes. The truth hurt, don’t it?
Now on to Shaggy. That brings back even more terrible memories. The only thing that he seemed to achieve during his performances was a portentous display of air-humping, the favorite American past-time. Like Nelly, the grabbing, the audacious lyrics and the whoring were abundant. He seemed to be forgetting that the only chicks that were of a legal age were the ones dancing on stage. There was a little girl on her daddy’s shoulders near the front of the stage and he humped in her face! Of all the things I have seen, this has to be the most horrid, disturbing, pitiful and appalling acts I’ve seen on television in a while. Anyone who likes Shaggy should really reconsider. And what kind of parents would bring their children to see someone named Shaggy? Like my sister said, I hope he ***** up his voice so that he can no longer have a career.
That about wraps up the rage. I can’t really remember much from last night because I ran out of Tylenol. What does that have to do with anything? A lot my friend, a whole lot.