I’d Rather Have Apes
“If these are the People’s Choice Awards,” says Ellen DeGeneres, “Who was doing the voting before? Apes?” Most of us know right off the bat that this is not the case. Unfortunately, there have always been people behind these seemly important decisions. Most of us who have watched many award shows know that the people behind the decision-making have a taste so bad that they make Spam seem like restaurant-style Porterhouse squashed miraculously into a can. It is this exact fact that makes us wish they held the Apes Choice Award, because surely those who enjoy consuming the lice of their relatives have more common sense than the sourly people who choke up the winners they believe are suitable through a rousing game of eenie, meanie, miny, mo.
If this really is the people’s choice, the people’s taste has started to wade in the sewers. It reeks of phoniness, predictability and bland humor. The foul smell makes rotten cat dung seem tremendously appealing. I really don’t want to be reminded of how I wasted an hour of my life watching this dribble. The highlight of the show (the hour that I watched, at least) was Julia Roberts, who even shocked the host with her presence. They had to point out often that she was there because, I believe, they feared she would leave the moment she received her award. But even if the show were star-studded, it wouldn’t have improved the choices made.
The show commenced with a suspicious “tie” which tells us that someone cheated on their eenie, meanie miny, mo. They should have simply given the award to Ray Romano, knowing that he would give us an entertaining speech. Nobody wants to hear over and over about how so-and-so let this award happen, blah, blah, blah. The ungrateful people who watch your show and point out how bad your hair looks and simply watch the shows for their own sadistic pleasure – these are the people you should be thankful for. Not the guy with the tank full of money who made a show you think isn’t necessarily tasteful but oh well! It’s a job! Those with no sense are going to watch my show to help them fill the areas in which their lives are lacking some. Then I’ll be famous!
The Backstreet Boys get another shaft, not their first of the year, in this ceremony hailing the turds of the celebrity world. The Backstreet Boys skip the show knowing they’ll be shafted because, unlike other bands of their kind, they exhibit intelligence. Three members of Nsync accept their award, looking as though they have hoarded the infamous purple pill. At this point, I change the channel because I can’t stand these sniveling idiots. Somehow they are able to get away with lying about girlfriends, children and rumored drug habits while the Backstreet Boys give it to us straight and get punished for it. Our society tends to support those who lie and have no real singing talent. Sure they can dance, I’ll admit to that, that’s all fine and dandy, but how well would they do without fancy footwork and pyrotechnics? I know few people who would want to listen to them singing acappella for a whole concert. It’s because of this fact that the Backstreet Boys are threatening to tone down their show. Also, they are trying desperately to appeal to harsh critics. It is my opinion that out of all the pop groups out there now they would be the only ones to pull off this daring feat.
I was hoping for a year of better decisions, but so far I’ve been disappointed. U2 are gypped at the AMA’s, the Backstreet Boys lose the People’s Choice and the President chokes on a pretzel. I say if the apes can make the better decisions – Let there be apes!