When I got there, I could see that the show had started without me. Backstage was hectic as usual and no one noticed me sneak inside and take a seat on the floor. I wanted to watch the guys perform so I found a spot where there weren’t too many people looking and sat down. After ten minutes of watching, I used my bag for a pillow and laid down. My butt must have been bruised as well, because it was really sore.
I put the hat the man gave me on the side of my face to cover my blonde hair. Right now, I wouldn’t be able to handle the press. It takes a lot of emotional repressing to prepare for that after a crisis explodes. I’ve always watched the others silently to learn about dealing with them. But now it was really my turn and if I didn’t do it right the first time, I’d be doing it for days on end.
The guys looked so sad when they performed and I hoped that they were sad for me. I saw some banners that were for me; all of them hoping I’d get well, but in different words. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to get well, but I thought that it was too late for me.
Brian took over some of my parts and he sounded great saying them. I felt like grabbing a mike and joining him, but I was too comfy to move. AJ took some of my parts too, so that Rok wouldn’t get too tired saying his part and mine. In some of the songs Rok and me sing at the same time, so they had to do that. It sounded great without me.
They did mention me throughout the show, which I found very flattering. But most of it was lies; they were telling the audience that I would be all right. They didn’t even visit me, so how could they possibly know? You – the fans – were probably worried sick because you knew I had passed out before this from exhaustion.
I got to see most of the show until I fell asleep. It wasn’t that the show was boring, it was just that I was still fatigued and even nauseous and the sound of my friends' voices rocked me to sleep.
The sound of approaching voices and running footsteps woke me from my comfortable sleep. After I regained my conscious thought, the first thing I realized was that my hat had fallen off. I automatically assumed the second thing I saw would come: reporters.
Hoards of reporters rushing towards me and shouting my name. I tried to hide behind my lovely hat but it was too late. So that I wouldn’t get completely trampled, I stood up slowly and limped to the middle of the room. If you’re caught in a corner around the press they’ll squash you like an insignificant being until they get answers to their questions. Then they try to think of more questions to ask so that they can keep squishing you.
I was instantly surrounded and I couldn’t concentrate because of all of the voices. When I turned around to run away, I saw that more people had come and circled around me. All of a sudden I felt claustrophobic and I couldn’t breathe, almost exactly how I felt on stage the night I collapsed.
I could hear questions regarding the tabloid ring in my ears and shouts from the crew to “keep it down!” They burned at my ears, really, like a painful throbbing of something eating away at my eardrum. I covered my ears with my hat and made sure that I had my head hung low.
That lasted a while until I had to use my hands to fend them off. They started poking me in the chest and I could hear someone say, “where is it?” Someone else jabbed me with their finger dangerously near my tumor. “Say something, I’m live,” I heard somebody say.
After I tried defending myself every way I could, I tried to run into them to get by. But my body was so weak and I just was pushed to the ground. I felt the pain surge through my back again, but I kept my hands firmly planted on my hat. They couldn’t see my bruises or they would think I was in a fight.
I was yanked to my feet by one person and pushed by another. I began to wonder if they were actually real reporters or just some more N’Sync fans in disguise. One of them stepped on my bad foot and I screamed so loud that the badgering finally stopped.
The circle they had formed began to sprout holes and I took that perfect opportunity to scram. I limped as fast as I could, which was pretty slow because I was in so much pain. One I had maintained some distance between us; I turned around to face them.
All of them had their cameras turned off. I could tell because there was no red light and the lens caps were on. They could see the tears streaming from my eyes without me even tilting my hat. I still didn’t want them to see my face so I just left afterwards.
Since I couldn’t walk very far, I went to the bathroom and found a stall. I had another good cry for myself: how wretchedly sinful I felt. After I calmed down I took three painkillers. My body ached so badly that I couldn’t stand to be in it. Even the insides of my ears hurt.
I guess I took too many pills, because I started to throw up. I’m not going to tell you the contents of my barf, but since I digested the food I had from before, I only threw up water and pills.
I’d forgotten my bag somewhere near the reporters but I wasn’t going back there. I wanted so desperately to get the awful taste out of my mouth but it looked like I wasn’t going to be able to achieve that. Instead, I settled for rinsing my mouth. I was thirsty, so I drank some of that water too. It tasted very metallic and bloody, but I didn’t care.
When I looked back into the mirror, I saw that my mouth was covered with blood. I wiped it all up and it didn’t come back, so I figured it wasn’t my mouth itself that was bleeding.
I opened my mouth and discovered the cause. It was leaking from my gums; it was so gross too. My teeth were stained with blood and the only part of my mouth that didn’t have any blood on it was my tongue. I could taste it though.
To help block the bleeding, I stuffed tissues under my lips. I felt my nose but it was completely numb from the painkillers. That was a good thing too, it looked like it would hurt. Pain can be so overpowering – it’s no wonder why people are so afraid of it.
Within minutes I had to change the tissue. It bled right through all of it! While I waited for the blood to soak through the new tissues, I felt around the inside of my mouth with my tongue. What I found were sores. I probably didn’t feel them before because I was already in so much pain.
I wanted to check the rest of my body and see if it was okay, but there’s always that possibility that someone will walk in on you. Like reporters or staff or anybody. I wished I could have locked the door, but just like closets, public bathrooms have no locks.
Mirrors weren’t much of a burden to me anymore. I decided that when I had some strength left, I would put the ones at my house back up. As I gazed into the mirror, I noticed something really strange. My stomach actually could be seen through the shirt. It was really lumpy there.
Immediately I lifted it up because I feared that it would be another tumor.
My poor tummy was swollen and round. It wasn’t painful really, it looked painful though. No, tumors thankfully. I learned that this was one of the effects of leukemia, but I liked looking chubby. It sort of looking like I had a type of malnutrition, my features were bony, but my stomach was round.
When I felt better, I left the bathroom and went straight to the tour bus. We didn’t need to take an airplane to the next stop, so we just took the bus. I didn’t want to run into anyone along the way, but as it turns out, I did. In fact, I ran into Denise. I begged her not to say anything when she opened her mouth. At first it looked like she was going to say something anyway, but she probably saw the look I had put in my eyes on purpose.
I hobbled into the bus very slowly. It was hard for me to walk that far in the first place and in the second place it took me at least six tries to get up the stairs. And there were only THREE. I was in bad shape.
The only thing I saved from the mob of reporters was my jar of pills, since I didn’t have to hold it in my hands; I could hold it in my arms. Little did I know how much I would regret that the stupid pills weren’t crushed. Someone should’ve done me the favor and thrown the things in front of a semi truck. Gifts from the man aren’t meant to be trusted.
Anyway, by the time I got onto the bus, I felt crappy all over again. I took another pill and sat down on someone’s bunk. It would be a mistake to stay there at the time, because I knew whoever belonged to it would be furious. I looked around the bunk and it turned out to be Brian’s. He probably wouldn’t mind if I slept in it if I apologize to AJ, I thought.
So I slept, again, on Brian’s bunk. I planned to awaken when they arrived on the bus, and even though I knew it wouldn’t be possible, I tried it anyway. I was so tired that I didn’t even cover myself with a blanket. Actually, I just moved into a laying down position without putting my legs up. They felt like anvils and my arms felt like rocks.
When I woke up, the guys hadn’t even noticed me at the back of the bus. I was so relieved that I tried to take the chance to leave. But the short sleep wasn’t enough and my body didn’t have the energy to get off the bed. At first I thought that Brian did something for revenge like inject me with something that induced the paralysis. It sounds strange, but that’s what I thought. Even so it was crummy, I have to tell the truth.
Eventually I got into a sitting position by taking three more pills. I tried to get up onto my “good” leg and it collapsed on me. It sent me sprawling onto the floor and I landed with a loud “thump” on my rear. Normally I would have thought that it was funny, but it hurt so badly that I had to take three more pills.
The guys heard me fall and came running. I don’t know if they thought it was me, but they sure didn’t act like it.
“What are you doing here?” Howie asked me in a rude tone. It made me feel like I wasn’t wanted where I belonged. The bus was practically my home because I spent so much time on it.
“Better yet, what are you doing by my bed?” That one was from Rok.
Before I had time to answer, Kevin shouted, “Are those drugs?” He was referring to my pills of course. I shook my head no but he yelled for Denise anyway.
She came and told the other guys to leave. They scrambled out the door like a flock of frightened pigeons. I would have too, but I was rooted to the floor. At that moment, I think I even would’ve jumped out of the bus while it was moving, rather than to face her.
I covered my ears and prepared for the worst, while resting my head on the jar of pills. It felt like an anvil now too, and the circumference of the jar was quite large, so I thought – what the heck?
At first she didn’t say anything to me, then she started to cry. She knelt down beside me and put my head on her lap. I was so numb I just let her do it.
“Oh, Nick, I can’t keep this up! What’s really going on?” I realized that she must’ve felt sympathy because my hat had fallen off. I hadn’t meant for that to happen but it sure was a stroke of luck.
Denise ran her hands through my thick hair and boy, did it feel good. I realized that was deprived from having this kind of thing since no one talked to me.
“Can you talk?” she asked in the first of a series of questions. I shook my head no.
“Are you doing drugs?” I shook my head no.
“Did you get in a fight?” I shook my no yet again.
“Are you sick?” I finally shook my head yes. When I did, she touched my forehead and hugged me.
“How many pills did you take sweetie?” I took some time to think about that. There was the one the man gave me, and then I took three sets of three painkillers. That turned out to be ten pills.
I showed her my paws and she took the bandaged hand in hers. I’d forgotten to bandage the other one and it was still bleeding all over the place. Instead of answering verbally, I tapped my hand ten times on the ground. I prepared myself for her reaction.
Chapter 14
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