I was still a bit shocked when I continued my journey to the beach. You know you’re popular when…
When I finally got to the beach it must have been around 4 am. As much as I had wanted to sleep earlier, I couldn’t bring myself to go home. I sat down at the base of a large tree and watched the waves go back and forth, back and forth. It was so relaxing, with the wind in my hair and all. I closed my eyes and just felt everything around me.
Unfortunately, the second I closed my eyes, I began to think about what I had done to AJ. I realized that should have asked and I just should of said something. I made up my mind to go drive over to his house the minute I got back home – sleepless or not.
After I opened my eyes I still felt guilty and depressed. I wasn’t very lenient on myself either – I kept thinking about what I would do to myself if I were AJ. I’m not going into what I was thinking yet, because I’ll tell you more about that later on.
Another reason why I must have felt so bad was because of what Brian said. Again, I blamed myself for making him think that way. Everyone’s still trying to convince me that none of this is my fault, but I don’t believe them.
Something else that was nagging at me was the thought of how quickly Dania fell for me when I talked to her. I figured that it would be my fault as well if she decided to become a hooker. I can still imagine her doing just that, standing on the streets asking people if they want a good time. After some thought, I decided that I should have a talk with her as well and tell her that I don’t like her. Hopefully I could make her like AJ again.
I broke away from my thoughts and concentrated on the water. It felt so nice sitting in the sand so early in the morning, with no one around, that I took off my shoes and socks to feel the sand between my toes. The beach was healing me once again, and I felt all of my sorrows slip away.
I don’t know how long I was there, but after a long while, I think I fell asleep. My dreams must have been bad, because I woke up all sweaty and out of breath. The funny thing about dreams is that you can’t remember them really well when you wake up. And if you happened to remember a bit of your dream, guaranteed it’ll be gone in an hour or so if you don’t write it down. The subconscious is very unique. I think that if I understood it, I wouldn’t have to have any nightmares anymore because I’d be able to control it. I’ve heard of how you can do that, you just catch yourself before you fall asleep and then tell yourself what to dream. It just doesn’t work for me though.
Anyway, I was feeling pretty worn down when I woke up. That night, I wouldn’t have made it home if I tried. I should have felt cold as well, but I just felt fatigued and sweaty. That’s the good thing about beaches though, if you’re too warm, there’s cool, refreshing water right in front of your eyes. I moved to LA because of that, but I can’t go to the beaches during the day, I’ll be mobbed. I’d love to go when it’s actually sunny though. It would be nice for a change.
Well, since I was feeling so warm, I pulled my pants as high as they would go and wadded in the water. I would have sat in the water, but I knew that I still had to get home somehow, and I would freeze to death on my way there. I thought about skinny-dipping, but I’d seen too many shows where that backfired. In my case, it would be AJ waiting in the bushes to take my clothes – and my money.
So I just went in as far as I could go, holding up my pants on the way. I must have been a sight - bags under my eyes, sand in my hair, my face all flushed and pale. But I didn’t care because I didn’t think the media would follow me out here and most sensible people were sleeping right now.
I splashed water on my face and it felt good. It felt so good that I kept on doing it until I couldn’t stand bending over any longer. I guess it was one of the simple pleasures in life.
After about twenty minutes, I got out of the water. The reason why I got out was partly because I couldn’t stand up any longer, partly because the water felt as though it was burning my legs instead of cooling them, and partly because I had to go to the bathroom very badly.
So, when I got out of the water, I went in search of an outhouse. Not exactly celebrity style, but I’m not that type anyway. What I hate about the paths to the outhouses is that they’re always littered in crap. Literal crap even, along with pine needles, real needles, garbage and all kinds of junk. I even stepped on a rusty nail on my way there, I’m just happy that it didn’t pierce my skin.
By the time I got to the potty, I must have developed a callus of some sort. I didn’t mind about the callus, because I figured that it would hurt less for me on my way back.
The bathroom was hideous. Absolutely hideous, so bad in fact that I don’t feel like being honest. Don’t worry though, I’ve forced myself to tell the truth, even if it may involve some minor setbacks on my part. The walls were lined with moss and mold, and some brown stuff that I don’t even want to guess what it was. Condoms and needles were jammed into the bucket of the toilet, and I was just glad that I didn’t have to sit down in there. No wonder little kids prefer peeing in the water. The door didn’t close properly either, its lock was ripped off and the door itself was too small for its frame. It reminded me of a saloon door in a western movie. But it didn’t matter to me because I was still thinking about how AJ could be watching me. AJ and me are pretty comfortable with this sort of thing since we roomed together, so it didn’t bug me.
I did my thing anyway, even though I was afraid that one of those needles would come up out of the toilet and inject me. Then I would die. I was thinking really morbidly, and I think that was because I was trying to get my mind off of being tired. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve pulled off all-nighters during tours without feeling tired. If I were tired, then I’d fall asleep during photo-shoots or something. At night I can live – it’s practically the only time that I can have some normal fun without being confronted constantly. Not only do fans confront me; the media confronts me a lot more. They just seem to know where you are and when. Sometimes they do a bad job of catching the real me.
After I finished I wanted to sit down very badly, because my legs were like Jell-O and my head felt like a ton of bricks. Maybe somebody spiked my apple juice, I had thought. Or I was so bored that I didn’t notice that I was drinking beer. Remember – it only takes one to impair your judgement. Never double-park either not only is it very annoying, but I put a dent in my brand new truck mowing into one. No one knows I did it though, but someone out there has a huge dent in their car – oops!
Anyway, I turned around and the stupid door smacks me in the nose. It started to bleed, and I started to swear. I usually don’t think about swearing, but I was having a really rotten time. At first I thought that the wind had done it, but when I stepped outside I saw this girl just standing there. Her eyes were like saucers and she held a camera. It was then that I realized what she had done and my eyes widened.
She was taking pictures of me in that stupid door wide open and me going to the bathroom. It must have been a no flash camera perfect for sneaking up behind me and breaching my privacy.
I must have looked like such an imbecile, with my bare feet, sand in my hair, my hand covering my bleeding nose and blood all over my shirt. I felt like an imbecile and I wished that I hadn’t taken off my shoes because she probably had taken those by now. I also felt like an imbecile because she had seen me go to the bathroom; she was such a privileged fan. I suddenly wished that she would either say something or go home. Right now I really wanted to be alone.
We just stood there in silence; mine was no longer stunned. Finally, I gave into my legs and sat on the ground. Pine needles were digging at my butt, but I didn’t care; I was so tired. Did I mention that I was wearing white pants? I had a black jacket on top and a white shirt underneath, but I gave it to the girl I met earlier. Now I was dressed in all white, not exactly a good choice of clothing.
I tried to remove my hand from my nose, but when I did it just kept on gushing. After a while it gets really tiring when you hold your hand up, because of the gravity and all. I was hoping that the girl had gone away, but I was too tired to look up.
The blood had decided to rush even faster now, so I took my hand off and just let it run. I watched it stain my pants for a bit; it was quite entertaining. But after a while of looking down, my head became heavy again and I had to hold it in my hands. The heavier it got, the more I felt like lying down. But I spotted a shiny needle nearby and I knew that I couldn’t risk it. I was lucky to even be able to sit here, let alone lie down.
“Are you okay?” I heard all of a sudden. It was the girl with the camera, and she was sitting right across from me.
“I’ll be fine,” I assured her, “I’m just tired, that’s all. Did you take my shoes?”
“No! Honest I didn’t!” she answered, and I could tell that she was almost crying, but I didn’t know why.
“I’m just asking…I’m not accusing you of anything. I left them over by that tree.” I nodded my head lightly towards it and got rewarded with a shot of pain from deep within. I had a really bad headache now.
All of a sudden she brightened up. “I’ll get them for you,” she said, and then took off.
You might think that I’m retarded or something, but when she left, I started to feel lonely and depressed at the same time. It was awful, that and the stupid headache.
To get my mind off of that, I looked around and noticed that she had left her camera behind. I crawled up to it and just looked because my hands were all bloody and dirty. All of the film was used up, that wasn’t good. That meant that she must have had a field day taking pictures of me. I wasn’t completely insane when I felt that someone was watching me, I was just wrong about who it was. Maybe it was AJ reincarnated and he was making off with my shoes and socks right now.
As if to prove me wrong, the girl returned with my shoes and socks and placed them next to me like they were glass or something. She had shaken all the sand off of them, which was nice of her, but my feet would make them dirty all over again. I tried to rub most of the sand off and I did get a lot off, but I succeeded mostly in spreading the blood on my hands around more. The socks were the only things on me that were black, so I was at least thankful for that. It took me forever to lace up my shoes because my hands were shaking so badly. I pulled down my pants because they were still up to my knees and it was starting to get cold.
The girl had been staring at her camera while I was doing this. She was just turning it over and over in her hands. At last she looked up and said, “I didn’t take any pictures of you, honest.” I must have looked skeptical to her, even though I didn’t mean to be so she took the film out of the camera and gave it to me. At first I didn’t want to take it, but she insisted. I started thinking evil thoughts too; like that she had the real one in her pocket the whole time. I would have kicked myself for thinking that, but I didn’t have the strength.
The girl looked at me strangely, as if she expected something. My people skills were horrendous that night, and I couldn’t blame her for feeling weird around me. But I wanted to make her feel more comfortable, so I tried to start a conversation.
“I came here to think but that was a mistake because now all I want to do is sleep!” I shook my head to scold myself and saw her smile out of the corner of my eye.
“I can help you to a cab if you want. My dad is a cab driver and he works the late shifts. I come here to think too. I’m sorry…about everything…I messed up. I wanted this meeting to go so perfectly…I promise I’ll never tell anyone.”
That made me feel so depressed that I became speechless momentarily. “It’s okay,” I assured her, “now I have a new embarrassing moment to bore people with.”
Her eyes widened. “You’re not mad?”
“Nuh uh. Nope. I’m just sorry that I’m in such a crummy mood. Do you want an autograph or something?”
She shook her head. “You’re sick, I’d feel so much better to get you home.” She got up so that I couldn’t argue with her. I tried to pry myself off of the ground and managed only to get to my knees. The girl noticed and bent down to help me. She was very strong and she got me up quickly. So quickly that I had to lean on her before I threw up. That’s another nice thing about having good fans. They’re there for you when you need them the most and most of them are very nice.
I must have zoned out because I didn’t notice that the girl was calling my name frantically. She had this scared look on her face and I assured her once again that I was fine. I don’t think that she believed me though.
We started walking slowly towards the direction of the street. I prayed that no one else would see me. I really prayed; I had my mouth moving and everything in prayer. That’s how bad I thought I looked.
Before I got into my cab, I asked for her name. She said that it was Angie and I bent down to give her a hug goodbye. I think I got her a bit dirty, but she didn’t seem to mind. I also told her that I’d never forget that she helped me. You have to appreciate those things.
Chapter 3
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