I spent an uncomfortable night at Mandy’s. The whole night I was awake because I was still afraid that Brian was coming to get me. I slept for about an hour and afterwards I felt refreshed and sane. Unlike most switches from sane to insane, I remembered what I had done when I was insane.
Mandy had let me sleep on her bed because she felt so bad. I didn’t want to because I knew what she and old man George did on it. Still, it was comfortable and it was the first time Mandy let me sleep there.
She came by to check on me in the morning. I still felt tired, but I wanted to leave as soon as possible. Mandy kept telling me how sorry she was but I just turned my head away from her. I heard her sigh and sit down on the bed.
“You know that it’s hard for a no-talent person like me to get a contract without bribing.” I could feel her run her hands through my hair and again it had no effect on me. Usually I felt shivers down my spine from that.
I kept my head turned away from her. It gave her the message that I still wasn’t buying it. At least she was treating me like a human being.
“I still love you and I know you need me. I’ll do anything to get you back. I’ll even go downstairs and tell George the truth.” I thought about that shortly then I turned my head in that direction so that she could look me in the eyes.
“It’s over Mandy,” I told her plainly. I must’ve looked at her sadly, but deep down inside I was laughing. I’d finally done it. I felt a dribble of blood from my mouth fall onto my chin, but I couldn’t lift my arm enough to wipe it away. It was alarming that I was losing so much blood, but I knew I would die soon and it would all be over.
“Nick please! Look at yourself, I can help you!” I shook my head no at her and she threw her arms up in frustration.
“Have it your way then. If you don’t want to have anything to do with me, I don’t want you in this house. Please leave.” She crossed her arms across her chest and closed her eyes. Apparently she would never let me win a fight.
I struggled and strained to move my limbs but they wouldn’t budge. Mandy saw me struggle and yelled for old man George at the top of her lungs.
“Yes Mandy?”
“Can you please bring Nick downstairs? He wants to part with us so soon.”
“No offense Mandy, but he doesn’t look like he’ll be able to go home by himself.”
“Then hail a cab for him, I don’t care. Just get him out of my sight.” With that she stormed out of the room. I could just barely hear George say, “What a bitch,” before picking me up.
Either George was strong for an old man or I was lighter than a dumbbell; whichever way it went George picked me up easily. He was good at it too, he gave my head and neck some support so that they wouldn’t bob up and down and break. I was so frail that it could’ve happened.
Old man George put me on my wheelchair and covered me with a warm blanket. I could’ve fallen asleep right there, but I didn’t trust George. It was a struggle just to stay awake, but I rose above the challenge.
I watched tiredly as George hailed a cab for me. When the cab came, he lifted me into it and shoved my wheelchair in the back. He plopped his flabby body down next to me and I looked at him in horror. I didn’t think that he would come and I didn’t want him to.
He told the driver where to go then turned his attention to me. I had been watching him carefully because I was afraid that he would do something to me. When he caught me staring I looked at my hands and hoped that he didn’t take that the wrong way. After all, anyone who is forty years older than the person they’re not even dating has to be sick. I think he was involved with Mandy just for the nookie and I hoped that she would never get a contract. Either that or she’ll accidentally sign a contract from George that would make her his eternal sex slave. Whichever one would make me happy.
If you’re wondering why I still hate George after he helped me, I can explain it to you quite simply. He reminds me on Lou Pearlman, and that’s one of the biggest sins that he is cursed with. Lou told us to do stuff and we did it and more, but we did it because we thought that he was our friend. As it turned out in the end, he was just doing it for the money. It’s hard to think about someone caring about your well being just because they fear for their own. George is treating Mandy like that just because he knows that he can get her what she wants (like Lou getting us started) and he’ll make her pay for it the way he likes to get paid. It’s all in the chain of the music business; you have to take care of your own investments. If someone tells you that you have to pay with your body to get a contract they’re probably not legitimate. I wouldn’t share this valuable information with Mandy and if I did she’d probably just ignore it. I’m still laughing about it now.
Another good reason why I hate George is because he’s a pervert. I don’t think I need to elaborate on that because it’s kind of obvious why. He tricks young women because he knows a person’s longing to become famous. I had that longing once before and it was betrayed as well. Mandy deserves George by rights because she didn’t do her research and mostly because she cheated on me. Sometimes I wonder if the only reason why she was dating me was because she wanted me to get her famous. Once she realized that I couldn’t get her where she wanted to be, she started cheating on me. George is just a sexually immoral person. But he’s tricky in a way. He makes it look like the women were willing to do him those favors so that he won’t be sued.
I could go on and on because there’s thousands of reasons why George sucks. But I don’t want to bore you and there’s a lot more to this part of my “experience” than I’m leaning on.
Anyway, when we got to my house, George paid the driver. I didn’t want him to because I was afraid that he was the type of person who made you pay for everything nice they do for you.
He wheeled me through the gates and all the way up to my front porch. When he tried the door he found out that it was locked and waited for me to get the key. I just sat there giving him the evil eye the whole time. There was no way that I’d show this guy where I kept my key.
George waited a little while longer before he did anything. Instead of asking me if he could come inside, he held out his hand in front of my face. At first I thought that he wanted me to pay him, then I realized that he wanted to shake my hand.
“Can we be friends?” he asked sweetly, still holding his prune-like hand in my face. I crossed my arms across my chest and shook my head.
“Why not? I forgive you, so why can’t you forgive me? You were the one who just couldn’t take a hint.” I could see where this was headed and I could also see injuries in my future if I pushed him farther. Instead, I rolled my eyes at him and sighed.
“What? She wanted me and you’re still jealous.” That comment made me angry enough to used my own voice.
“You still don’t get it do you?”
“You shouldn’t talk, but what do you mean?” I tapped my finger on my head as a gesture for him to think. Well, it wasn’t exactly my finger; it was my whole hand.
George thought about it for quite a while, which is longer than a man supposedly smarter than me should think. When he finally got it, I saw the anger in his eyes and begun to get scared. I honestly thought that he was going to attack me.
Instead, he started yelling to no one in particular. “You mean to tell me that she was cheating on both of us? Man!”
As he was shouting, he started walking away from my house. He waved to me without turning around as he left. I didn’t wave back; instead I fingered him as best I could and waited until he was out of sight so that I could get my key.
I’m not telling you where I hid it because I still hide it in the same spot, but it was difficult for me to get with the wheelchair. Some people are going to figure out where I live after this is published anyway, so I guess it doesn’t matter. But I’d rather be safe than sorry.
I went through the door with ease, smiling about the situation. I’d survived it without incident, but right now George was abusing Mandy. I’m sure that kind of thing is his style and normally I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Mandy is Mandy is Mandy and she had to learn her lesson about me somehow.
In all of the chaos, I’d forgotten about one of my more serious problems. I had to get to the beach that night at around ten in the evening or I would die. The thought that Mandy was finally getting what she deserved made me happy, but that happiness only lasted a few minutes. I had no idea what to do this time and the thought of it made me angry and depressed. I’d only gotten slightly involved in the first place but now I was in it head over heels and I had no idea what to do about it.
I sat on the couch and thought about it thoroughly. I was thinking so intensely that I didn’t realize that I was petting my pillow and calling it Wilkie. Wilkie always sat on my left side and that’s where the pillow was. Somehow they would know when I needed them or when they could get a good petting.
The thought of Milky and Wilkie had made me depressed all over again and that wasn’t helping me in the slightest at solving my problem. I laid down on the couch and rested my head on the soft pillow. I trusted myself enough not to fall asleep because the situation I was in was serious.
As I closed my eyes I thought about the two options I had. I could join Louie and do something that I was morally against or die in his hands. There was also another option that I hadn’t thought much about. I could kill myself then I would never have to bow down to Louie. My pride wasn’t what I was concerned about there. It was the control over my own life that I was fighting for. I also knew that God didn’t like it when people ended their lives before their time or when they tried to take their own death into their hands.
I thought about my worth and decided that maybe God had thought that I had served my purpose on this Earth. Brian is way more religious than I am, so I get all of these teachings from him. We both can’t go to church as often as we’d like so Brian just talks about it every Sunday. I’m the only one that he does that for because everyone else is just too busy to listen. It’s very interesting stuff though.
I also thought about all of my sins and wondered how I could purge myself from them. The church was much too far away and I didn’t have enough time to get from the church to the beach. Then again I didn’t want to be sent to hell, so I forced myself to think of a different alternative.
Out of the corner of my eye, I spotted my cross on the table. I was sure I hadn’t left it there when I went for my walk, but it was there now. Maybe it was some sort of sign, because it didn’t scare me that somehow it had gotten on the table.
It was my golden opportunity though, so I took it. I asked – no I begged God for forgiveness of all the wrongful things I’d done. I wasn’t sure if I was doing it right, but something in my heart was telling me that I was on the right track.
I took a good long time to think through my life and I even asked God to forgive me for breaking the fans’ hearts. You were the people that I was most concerned about. In this end of my life, you were all that I had left.
It was still quite early in the morning, so I timed a period of sleep. I set my alarm clock to go in the late afternoon. That would give me plenty of time to get to the beach. I needed all the strength I could muster and even so I was going to kill myself, I wanted to go to the beach to do it. If I died in my house, no one would come by to see me and my body would rot in here. The next person to have the house would never be able to get rid of the smell.
Here’s what I planned to do: I would go to the beach and to my favorite thinking spot at around 9:00pm. Then I would kill myself by taking thirty painkillers. Louie and his gang could do whatever they wanted with my body, just as long as I was dead. Despite how tired I was, it took me a long time to get to sleep. I kept thinking about my life and these vivid images of my childhood flashed through my brain. I thought about the good things I’d done for the world and fell asleep knowing that I was forgiven. If I didn’t die, that would mean that my job wasn’t finished in this world. I would do a good job killing myself and I was sure that wouldn’t happen.
Chapter 24
Back To Table of Contents