I don’t know how long I was unconscious, but I do remember what I saw in my blackout. It might have not even been a blackout, it might have been a coma, I’m still not sure. All I know is that I was out for a long while.
In that state, I saw bits of my childhood flashing before me. At first I thought I was dying, but then I realized that somehow I was trying to cheer myself up. My mom’s face flashed in my eyes, then my dad’s and all of my siblings’. They were all so real. It felt like I could reach out and touch them if I really tried.
Then my little show continued and showed a more futuristic view of me. I swear God it was me in that hospital, bald, sick, and, incredibly, I was smiling.
At my bedside were all of the guys, my entire family, and small figure bobbing above my head. I couldn’t see its face at first, but then it moved in closer. It was Joe, I had dreamed about Joe again. He was trying to tell me something, I was sure, but I didn’t know what. And why was he the only one in the room that was a spirit?
After what seemed like a couple more minutes, the picture changed. My grandma and grandpa faded away into the distance and then returned as spirits. That was when I realized that my subconscious was trying to tell me who was going to die in my future.
Then two more people, both my cousins, started to fade. One of them had a large bump growing from her head. It looked like one of those cartoon bumps the characters get when they have an accident. She kept telling me that I would be all right and that she would watch me along with grandma and grandpa up in heaven.
The scene changed again and I was back at my house. I could see out of my own eyes, but it was like I wasn’t there. When I went to the living room to look for my puppies, I remembered that they were dead. Just as I was about to leave, I saw them out of the corner of my eye. I knelt down to pet them, but my hand went right through them. Milky started to lick my hand, and then Wilkie joined. I could have sworn that I felt their warm, leathery tongues caress my skin. But then the scene changed again.
There were a few scenes that I don’t remember, and there were a few that felt like they were only seconds long instead of hours. The next scene I went to started in the trophy room.
I saw Brian standing by the picture I left behind. He seemed so transfixed by the words that he didn’t turn around when I called his name. I remembered a time when I was afraid that he would come to get me, but now he looked like a big old teddy bear and all I wanted to do was give him a hug.
When I stepped closer, I saw that he was crying and I wanted to tell him that I didn’t mean what I said, because I’d written “What friendship?” at the bottom of the picture. I ran toward him calling him all the nicknames I could think of “B, B-Rok, Brian, Bri, etc,” but he didn’t turn around. When I got to him I practically leapt through the air to jump onto his back. Sometimes, when I was younger, he would give me piggy back rides, even so he was smaller than I was.
But despite my efforts to reach him, I crashed onto the floor face first. I thought that Brian had moved away when I tried to jump on him, but when I looked up I saw that he was still standing in the same spot. I’d gone right through him.
I heard him sigh and saw him remove the picture from the wall. He sat down where he had been standing, which was on me, and hugged the picture close to his chest. I also noticed that he was wearing my cross around his neck, along with his own.
For some reason I couldn’t figure out which one of us was invisible. It could have been Brian because I went right through him. Or was it possible that because I was invisible and I couldn’t touch animate and inanimate objects like Brian? Then I got the answer.
I pulled myself from under Brian, which wasn’t hard because one of us was transparent. He looked so sad and so lost; exactly how I felt most of the time. And this time I was sure that he was mourning because of me. Why else would he be in my house, holding that picture and wearing my cross? He missed me and he probably thought I was dead.
I reached out to grab my cross and I went right through it. That was when I realized that it was I who was transparent, not B-Rok. He could touch the cross and I couldn’t. He could hold that picture, but my hand went right through.
I assumed that I was dead at first. Being transparent means you’re a ghost right? Well, somehow I proved that I wasn’t a ghost. Logic told me that I was just visiting a place that I had been and seeing something I needed to see. Like Scrooge in “A Christmas Carol”. I had seen the past, the future and now I was sure that I was seeing the present. I took a mental note to ask Brian (if I ever saw him again) to find out if he had actually come to my house and done these things. It would’ve helped if I had known the time of the dream, then I would know if somehow I was actually there at the same time as him, or if my mind was just showing me for a second time. I never actually found that out.
Brian stood up suddenly and I followed him into the kitchen. He picked up a cell phone from the counter and quickly dialed a number. I moved so that I was sitting on the counter and strained to hear the conversation. Even so it was just a dream everything felt so real. From my dogs’ tongues to the counter I was sitting on.
“Dr. Thersky? Yes, I’ll hold.” I was confused. Why was Brian calling a doctor? Was he ill? I thought about what kind of trauma I might have caused him by leaving. The only reason why I left was because I was so sure that they didn’t care. A place in my heart knew differently, and it took this opportunity to share its knowledge.
I told Brian that I was here and that I was all right; even so I knew he couldn’t hear me. He sighed and for a moment fooled me into believing that he heard. But he was just becoming impatient from the waiting.
I tried to reach out to him again by placing my right hand on his heart. He didn’t feel anything at first. Then he started shivering violently and I retracted my hand.
Brian was suddenly on the move again. I followed him to my bedroom, where he buried himself in my sheets. I scooted over as fast as I could because I didn’t want to miss a second of the phone conversation.
When I got to the bed, I shoved my head under the covers so that Brian’s and my head were almost touching. Then Brian began to speak.
“He’s not here!” Brian shouted into the phone. I winced because of the decibel level. Everything in this world I was in was so real.
“No Brian. Remember what we talked about on Thursday. Nick is gone and you’ve done all you could do. Now go home and try to get some sleep…”
“You’re lying! You’re lying to me! You’re all lying to me!” Brian cried, with tears streaming down his face. I tried to give him a hug, but he just buried himself deeper into the covers. He was hard to keep up with.
“I’m not lying Brian. Why would I lie to you? Nick is lucky to have a friend like you. I’m sure everyone is praying for his safe return, but you can’t tear yourself apart like this. Think for a second: would Nick like to see you this way?”
“No.” Brian croaked, his voice choking up. “But I don’t know what do. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to look at myself the same way again. It’s my fault that he’s gone!”
“No it’s…”
“How can you say that? I played a trick on my best friend and now he’s GONE. He’s GONE, GONE, GONE. Gone with a capital “G” gone! And the worst part is that if he’s dead I’ll never, ever be able to tell him I’m sorry! Don’t you get it? It wasn’t supposed to be this way!”
“He knows you didn’t mean it Brian. Wherever he is, I’m sure he forgives…”
“No he doesn’t! He doesn’t know that it was a joke! We thought he was playing one back…but he’s really sick…we thought he was faking…the whole hospital did…”
“Brian…”
“HE WASN’T FAKING DAMMIT! Not FAKING! We got the results back and he’s got cancer. And apparently he’s being eaten alive and…”
“Brian, calm down. He’s not being eaten alive. Cancer doesn’t eat people…”
“Yes it does! I read it in a book!”
“They probably meant it theoretically.”
“Oh you mean like that it kills you slowly. And even if you take the medication it keeps eating and eating and…”
“You really need to stop reading those books. You’ve misinterpreted the content.”
“I most certainly will NOT. I want the facts. Either that or Nick. I like to stay on top of things and I certainly don’t appreciate you little fairy tales that you make up about it! Oh, little bunny Foo Foo trespassed into Nicky’s body, “accidentally” stepped on some flowery cells that he wasn’t supposed to and now NICK IS DYING! Fuck you bunny Foo Foo, fuck YOU!”
“I agree that Nick is so young to suffer like this but you know that cancer picks its victims at random.”
“I agree, blah, blah, blah,” Brian mimicked loudly into the phone. I hated to say it, but he sounded funny when he got mad. Then again, it was only a dream…or was it?
“Am I helping you at all Brian?”
“Yes actually. I feel a lot better now that that’s out in the open. Nobody listens to me when I yell like you do.”
“Okay,” I heard the doctor laugh. “ I have to go now, but don’t forget that you have an appointment with me tomorrow at 1pm sharp.”
“No, no I won’t forget. I kinda lost it today, I’m sorry for the trouble I caused.”
“Oh, it’s no trouble, that’s what I’m here for. Just do yourself a favor and go home all right?”
“All right, bye.”
Brian turned off the cell phone, but he didn’t leave my house. He curled into a ball and fell asleep in my bed. Just as he was falling asleep, I felt the time warp again and the scene changed.
I was at my mom’s house. It seemed empty and it felt strange because I couldn’t see people anywhere. The house was usually bustling with people on the go.
I made my way down the hall and paused a couple times to look at the family photos that were hanging on the wall. So many memories, I sighed. I tried to touch a picture, but again my hand went through.
Further down the hall I took a left and went up the stairs to my room. I was about to turn the knob when I remembered that I could go right through.
When I was about halfway through the door I heard a noise. It was a bland “tap, tap, tap” noise, the kind that scares you if you’re home alone. Curious, I made my way all the way through the door to find the source of the noise, knowing that nothing could see or hurt me.
The lights were off in my old room, and it seemed as though nobody was home. But the erratic tapping noise continued from somewhere in the room. I was sure that it wasn’t coming from the attic because it was too clear.
Finally I discovered the source of the noise. I heard someone start talking from a corner of the room, and I saw that it was Aaron. He was sitting at my drum set, tapping lighting at the bass drum with the drumstick.
“I’m playing with your drum set Nick, you’d better come out and pound me.” He sounded as though he’d gone crazy too! I made my way over to him and started talking, but I don’t exactly remember what I said.
Out of brotherly impulse, I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him as best I could. My hands went through him still, so I couldn’t give him the nice bear hug that I wanted to.
“It’s cold,” he said, shivering a bit. I was about to step away when he said, “Nick, is that you?”
Chapter 33
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