What am I so pissed off about? What could it possibly be? Who do I wish would choke to death on their own spit? Who could possibly make me so mad that it takes two BSB songs to calm me down? What slut dareth drive me to such blinding rage? What whore do I dream to dance upon her grave? Guess… guueeesss… Aww, you’re no fun. It’s (drumroll, s’il vous plait) the dreaded Willa Ford subject!
Let us dwell on her name for a moment. My apologies to those actually reading this (you poor tortured soul!) but I don’t know much at all about this Willa. I see her in my e-mail as an off-topic, I delete her. But, what I think I do know is that Willa is not her real name. Wasn’t it Mandy Willaford or some shit like that? Anyway, I’d just like to say that I wouldn’t wish the name Willa on anybody. I’d pity the poor child named Willa! That name only seems suitable for someone who is extremely old and wrinkly, like someone whose golden days were in the 1940’s. She PICKED that name. She had a bloody choice and – argh! That just blows me away (I don’t mean that sexually, teeny-bopper perve!)
In an IMPOTENT manner (and I can use the word in that context because not only does it mean sexually inadequate, it also means powerless or helpless) she deploys a scheme to get majority FEMALE fans (they spend the most money… and they promise to trail after her like drooling puppy dogs in a sort of lesbian-type manner. Any girl who finds another girl attractive is a lesbian right? So yeah, I’m calling raving Willa fans lesbians) who will like her body – and if she’s lucky, the music. I’ll rant about her “songs” momentarily.
I’ve changed my mind, I’ll rant about the songs now. I was going to say something totally bitchy and then I forgot. About the songs – she stole my freaking idea! I’m the reigning parody queen! Me! I don’t, like some certain people, write songs to spite an ex boyfriend; I do it out of pure hatred of the context. But who could hate I Want It That Way? I Want It Gay Way… that doesn’t even work grammar wise. Look at it! There’s no freaking noun so it’s not a freaking sentence! I guess that doesn’t matter, but still. Can’t people be more original when it comes to insults? I mean, look at me for instance. I’m original because I contradict everything I say by not being original. What has she got? The “I’m A Bad Bitch And I Think My Ex-boyfriend Is Gay Because I Got Dumped By Him Or He Dumped Me” motif. What the hell is up with that? No matter what she does she will be compared to Britney Spears. She will be lumped together with the rest of the pack, especially if she goes naked in the video. That actually doesn’t bother me like it normally would because my sister and I can make a sport of counting her rolls and the various stretch marks on her body. My sister and I make sport out of everything.
Now I must extend my message to you, the reader. I must break my number ten rule of “Never tell the reader what to do” and ultimately tell you what to do. Don’t buy her CD. I know some people are sick of hearing that they won’t be fans if you buy so-and-so’s CD, but this much is true. Think about it a little bit. How mature could someone be, someone who uses ass in nearly every one of their sentences, someone who will go naked on their video and calls her ex-bf gay to collect some needed publicity? Would you let your children, boys or girls, idolize her? Is she someone we really want to bring to our homes? No. That is the answer, as plain as day. Let me tell you a little story. Once upon a time, I used to like other music besides the Backstreet Boys. Then Nsync came along. I changed my musical preference to Backstreet Only, which I practice as though it were religion, and my occasional plunge into the world of Mozart, Nyman and Bach. You’ve probably heard it everywhere and even from our Boys, that these copycats are poisoning the market. Well, they are. Don’t buy Willa’s CD. Please. If not for me, do it for your poor, innocent eardrums, which will likely cause you to go deaf, or your neglected brain which will shrivel up and die if you don’t protect it from this monster. I believe the artist and the music are equal when choosing which kind of music to buy. Why should we award those who are snobs, or sluts or bitches? None of these traits can be considered REAL. They are ploys to get people to buy music. Observe: Britney has a new scandal with every album. Every album she makes does well. What does this say about our society?
Calling people gay (for no real reason) is immature. Mocking your ex-boyfriend’s group and releasing a CD on it is even more immature. Teaching young girls to be whores is just wrong. If I happen to come across a picture of her, I will send my secret male agent Frank (and his side kick, Kicked Dog – picture coming soon!) to collect a urine sample for voodoo. Unlike me, the thought of piss does not disturb him in any way, shape or form. And Kicked Dog, well, there’s no problem there… though he is slightly perturbed by screaming, rabid, vengeful bitch-chicks like Willa. And, sometimes, myself.
MORE TO BE ADDED AS I SEE FIT!!!! Oooh, my stomach… it had better not be another allergy… and if it’s to cheese I’ll just explode! No more cheese toast, nachos or, gasp! MAC AND CHEESE!!! I think I’m getting a bit ahead of myself.
I just thought of another Willa comment. Ok, when I was in Social Studies class, my teacher asked the class this question, “What would you do if your kids were starving and you had no where to live?” or something like that. Anyway, no one answered because it was really hard and my teacher is the type that thinks only one opinion is right. My friend and I were joking about the answer and she heard us giggling in the back so she turned the question on me. I said, “I’d eat my kids.” You should have seen the expression on her face! A classic moment. I’m vegetarian by the way. I was just having a weird moment. I still won the award for that class so HA! But, if Nick asked me too, I’d probably make Willa flambé. EEWWW GROSS YOU’RE SICK! Yeah, yeah, I get enough of that at school - piss off. I’m going to get a T-Shirt that says “I made Stephen King puke!”
Way, way off-topic. People are very scared of me right now, I’m sure. My opinions are not socially correct, they are totally radio-active. I’m going to be a lawyer so be very, very afraid. Hey! I’m feeling better now.
In an interview, no one is going to talk about Willa. It’s going to be about her and Nick. Always. I don’t like to be dissed by her either because I haven’t done anything to her until now. I don’t think that this is about music. In fact, it never was. It’s about popularity now, and sex too. I can’t believe what we’re exposing children to; it’s insane. It should stop! Stop buying into shitty music people! Rip it off if you really want it. And this little rant was supposed to end a long time ago… Bashes head on keyboard I’ve really got to stop doing that…
The Willa Rant – AKA My Attempt at being clever… did it work? E-mail me!