|
|
Justin lowered himself into the host's chair as his four bandmates each sat in a panelist's chair. The cameraman counted down. "Four . . . three . . . two . . . one!"
"Good evening, and welcome to The List. I'm your host with the most, Teen Choice Awards' Male Hottie of the Year, and one-fifth of 'N Sync, Justin Timberlake. I brought a few friends along tonight to debate who is the most under-appreciated boy band member in music history."
Justin rolled his eyes as the camera panned to the first panelist and began the introductions. "Our first guest is a member of 'N Sync who rarely gets to sing, thanks to Lou Pearlman is labeled as a womanizer, and is probably best known as Wolfie from Universal Studios. Please welcome Joey Fatone!"
Applause filled the room, and Joey smiled and waved as he scanned the crowd, winking at a few girls. He felt the heat rise to his cheeks as his eyes fell upon a woman in the back wearing a bridal gown and holding a sign that read, "It's gonna be me, Joey!" Oh! You've got to be kidding me! he thought.
The camera panned to the second guest and Justin began to speak again. "Our second guest sings even less than Joey – if you can believe that – drinks Mike's Hard Lemonade before every show and appearance, and must have been completely wasted in order to agree to go on 7th Heaven. Give a nice round of applause for Lance Bass!"
The audience clapped and Lance smiled and waved. Desperate to get the attention of the "Southern Gentleman," a small group of girls wearing cowboy hats stood up and shouted out.
"We love you, drunken Lance!"
"Giddy up, Lance!"
"Ride it! Ride it! Ride it!"
Joey laughed and Lance shot him a murderous look. Joey clamped a hand over his mouth, trying to suppress his giggles.
Not wanting a fight in the shot, the cameraman quickly panned to Chris, and Justin introduced him. "Next we have a guest who sounds like he just inhaled helium whenever he sings, is responsible for us ever getting involved with that money-hungry fat-ass Lou, and bears a strong resemblance to Fivel the mouse. Give it up for Chris Kirkpatrick!"
Chris waved with one hand and blew kisses with the other as the crowd cheered. "See, you're not the only one with a public!" he shouted, turning and pointing a finger at the host.
"Yeah, man. Whatever. Keep telling yourself that," Justin mumbled, rolling his eyes. He cleared his throat and began introducing the last panelist. "And finally, our last guest is the other lead singer of 'N Sync, acts like a crack addict when he's on stage, and has written and produced for a Wild Orchid album that will probably never be released. Please welcome JC Chasez!"
JC smiled and nodded as the audience clapped and cheered. His eyes widened and he coughed as he read some of the signs fans were holding.
"I want to digitally get down with JC!"
"JC for President."
"I'll make a great girlfriend and I can spell my name."
"Save the animals! Don't wear fur!"
Justin clapped his hands and the camera panned back to him. "All right, this is how it works. Each one of our panelists will give us his top three choices. Then they'll each get to eliminate one, and our studio audience will cast their votes to decide who is the most under-appreciated boy band member." He nodded, then turned in his seat to face panelist number one. "Joey, we're gonna start with you. Who is your number three choice?"
Joey glanced at his card, placed it in his lap face down, and began to speak. "Well, when I sat down to make this list, I thought about what exactly makes a boy band member under-appreciated. I've decided that there are three qualities all under-appreciated boy band members have, or, at least, all three of my choices have. One, dark hair and dark eyes. Two, they're hardly ever given the opportunity to sing. Three, he has one of, if not the, smallest fan base out of everyone in the group. Now, with that in mind, I chose Michael Nesmith of The Monkees as my number three choice."
The audience clapped and clips of Michael Nesmith during his Monkee hey-days flashed across the screen behind the host. Justin turned in his seat and watched the clips. "There he is, in all his wool hat glory."
Lance nodded his head in agreement. "At first, the producers of the show didn't call him by name. He was just the wool hat guy. That's definitely grounds to be considered under-appreciated."
"Very impressive, Lance. I didn't realize you were such a music history buff. And you think you know a person . . ." Justin said, turning in his seat to face everyone.
"Well, what else can you expect from someone addicted to Behind the Music and E! True Hollywood Story?" Chris asked, rolling his eyes.
Justin giggled, but composed himself when he realized one of the panelists didn't agree with Mr. Fatone's selection. "JC, I see you stewing over there. You disagree with Joey's choice?"
JC shook his head in disgust. "The Monkees weren't even a real band; they were created for TV. They weren't even musicians. How can you call someone a boy band member if it's not a real band?
"They were so a real band!" Joey defended, moving to sit on the edge of his seat and lean towards panelist number four. "They made hit records, toured, and Michael could play guitar. Not a real band . . ." he huffed, sitting back in his seat.
JC shrugged. "I'm sorry, but I just don't think--"
"Did you know his mom invented the White-Out you're so fond of sniffing when you can't get a hold of Rip Rock?" Chris asked JC, snickering.
Justin clapped his hands to get everyone's attention focused on what it should be: him. "Let's save it for the elimination round. Right now, we need to move on. Lance's what's your number three choice?"
The Mississippi native closed his eyes and swallowed around the lump in his throat. "My number three choice fits Joey's criteria. And . . . I'm not really sure why I picked him. I guess 'cause the rest of the group led him down the road of freakishness, 'cause he wasn't as bad as he his now. Anyway, it's . . . Howie Dorough of the Backstreet Boys."
Some members of the audience clapped politely while the rest gasped in shock. Clips of Howie's wet, naked chest in the video for "Quit Playing Games" flashed across the screen, but no one was watching. They were waiting for the reaction of the remaining members of 'N Sync.
Chris immediately stood up, shrieking, "What!? What!? Lance, what the Hell were you thinking!?"
Mr. Bass hung his head in shame. "I said I don't know why--"
"But Howie? Why don't you just ship me off to an island with no women? It would be a Hell of a lot less painful," Joey said, giving his band mate a pointed look.
"I guess there really is no accounting for taste," said JC, shaking his head in disappointment.
"I refuse to waste one more minute of precious air time discussing this. Lance, you're choice blows," stated Justin, making gagging noises and gestures for good measure. "I don't know if you'll ever be able to redeem yourself." With his nose in the air, he turned to Chris. "Who's your number three choice?"
"My number three choice kicks. It's blows all other number three choices out of the water, even JC's, even though we haven't heard it yet. And I betcha it makes it onto the final list. It's such a smart pick. That's probably a direct result of my college education. You know, I'm the only one of us that went--"
"CHRIS! What's your number three choice?" Justin interrupted, feeling an ache in his chest knowing the camera had been directed towards Chris for such an extended amount of time. Couldn't he just say his choice and be done with it already?
The eldest member of 'N Sync shot the youngest member a murderous look. "My number three choice is the rest of Menudo."
The bewildered audience clapped politely. The category was most under-appreciated boy band member, but Chris had chose more than one. Was that allowed?
"Uh . . . Chris, you wanna explain that?" Justin asked. Apparently, the Clorox killed more brain cells than he thought, 'cause this choice didn’t make any sense.
"Gladly," Chris said, straightening himself in his chair, a big smile on his face. He was poised and ready for his big moment. "Look at that," he instructed, directing everyone's attention to the screen as unrecognizable face after unrecognizable face flashed across it. "More than 30 members over the course of 20 some-odd years, and the only one anybody can name is Ricky Martin. Is that sad, or what?"
"Yeah, but Chris," JC said, determined to come out of this as the intelligent one. "The category is under-appreciated boy band member, as in one, not 30--"
"Oh, you're just jealous 'cause you didn't think of it first! Face it, my number three choice is better than all your choices put together. Justin, let's move on," Chris said, arms crossing in front of his chest.
"Uh . . . right, okay JC, it's your turn. Tell us who you chose for the number three spot," Justin said as the tip of his ears turned pink. He had just been bossed around by Chris on national television. God, what could be more embarrassing?
JC cleared his throat so no one would have trouble hearing or understanding him. And of course, everyone wanted to hear him. He writes music. He knows music. He is music. "Well, Justin, my number three choice can probably go out on the street and not be recognized. He's always in the background. I mean, it's gotta be hard enough not being as popular as 'N Sync, but to be the least popular of a less popular band? It would tear down the self-esteem of many, but not my choice. He just keeps on smiling and singing. And that's why I chose Justin Jeffre of 98 Degrees."
The audience clapped, fully aware that Justin was not the cutest member of 98 Degrees. Clips of him giving the Doritos girl a bubble bath flashed across the screen, and Joey fanned himself. "I think getting to do that scene more than makes up for being the least popular, even if she was paid to hop in the tub."
"Yeah, but what idiot proposes in the bathroom?" Lance laughed.
Chris looked up towards the ceiling and whistled innocently. Feeling his band mates' on him, he distracted them by saying, "Didn't Screech get the girl anyway?"
Justin nodded his head. "Yup. He sure did. Guess he was appreciated." He turned to panelist one, determined to get this show on the road and be the best damn host The List ever had. "Joey, what's your second choice?"
The Italian Stallion quickly glanced at his card and smiled before speaking. "Following the criteria I established earlier, my number two choice is the other guy from Wham!"
The audience applauded Joey's choice, all agreeing that the other guy from Wham! was truly under-appreciated. Half struggled to remember his name while the other half sang along with George Michael. "Wake me up before you go-go . . . 'Cause I'm not plannin' on goin' solo . . . "
"What is it with nameless choices?" JC huffed. Didn't his band mates know they were making a mockery of the whole boy band machine? "First Chris picks 30 members of a boy band, and now you, Joey. First off, Wham! was a duo. Second--"
"I wonder if his mother calls him 'that other guy from Wham!'," Chris interrupted, secretly patting himself on the back for keeping JC from babbling further.
"Yeah, no kidding," Lance agreed. "I haven't even seen him on Where Are They Now? What happened to this guy?"
"It must have been cold there in George Michael's shadow . . ." Joey started to sing the new version of "Wind Beneath My Wings."
"To never have sunlight on your face . . . " Lance joined in, putting an arm around Joey's shoulders as they sang and swayed from left to right. "You were content to let George shine . . . That's your way . . . You always walked a step behind . . . "
"Did you ever know that other guy from Wham!'s name?" Chris sang, standing up, pulling a lighter out of his pocket and waving it, and taking the lead.
"Alrighty," Justin said, kicking Chris' foot out from underneath him, causing him to fall back into his chair. "As much as I'm enjoying this, we have a show to do, and not much time left to do it in. Lance, what's your number two choice? And if you name a Backstreet Boy we're kicking you out of the group and bringing Jason back in."
Lance laughed a nervous laugh, thankful he didn't chose Kevin Richardson, just in case his band mates were serious. "No, no, no. It's nothing like that." He coughed and cleared his throat. "My number two choice is Peter Tork of The Monkees."
The audience clapped as various clips of Peter flashed across the screen. JC, on the other hand, slouched in his chair and covered his eyes. Obviously the Florida sun has been killing a brain cell or two. Why else would two of his band mates choose guys from a fictional band? I wonder if O-Town has any openings, he thought.
Lance ignored JC's obvious disgust, and faced the screen to admire his choice. "He played such an airhead, but in actuality he's very smart," he explained, hoping this choice would make up for his last one. "I don't think anyone, especially the fans, appreciated how smart he really is."
"Yes, we know, Poo-fu. You have business smarts," Chris said, before Lance could break out into one of his famous 'you don't appreciate me enough' speeches.
"Moving right along . . . " Justin said, eager to prevent Lance from starting a pity party. "Chris, who did you pick for number two?"
Panelist three glanced at his card real quick. "Sorry, I forgot my choice. Senior moment. Anyway, my number two choice had lots of talent. Great dancer, more buff than you could ever dream to be JuJu, but unfortunately a strong resemblance to one of the dinosaurs in The Land Before Time prevented him from ever having a nice-sized fan base. And that's why I chose Danny Wood of New Kids on the Block."
Clips of Danny getting on the floor and doing the New Kids dance flashed across the screen. Joey stood up and started singing and dancing. "Oh oh oh oh oh . . . the right stuff," he sang, much to the audience's amusement and JC's horror.
"Can we put a seat belt on his chair, or something?" JC asked, clearly embarrassed by the Phat One's antics.
Joey stopped dancing and gave his band mate a dirty look. "You know, I always thought he looked like a monkey," he said, lowering himself into his seat.
"I wonder if he's related to Topanga at all," Chris said softly, but not softly enough.
Justin clapped his hands. "Okay! JC, tell us your number two choice," he said, hoping the quick change of subject would prevent Lance from either (a) beating Chris up or (b) dying or embarrassment. He really didn't want Jason back in the group.
"My number two choice definitely deserved more credit than he got. He sang lead, like, twice. And it was his rumored romance with a pop princess that kept the group in the spotlight once the pop/boy band backlash started."
A puzzled look appeared on Justin's face. Sure, his quasi-relationship with Britney Spears helped to keep 'N Sync in the spotlight, but they hadn't experienced any backlash yet. And he definitely had sung lead more than twice. And that left him baffled. Who could JC's choice be?
"No, Justin, it's not you," JC said, rolling his eyes. "And it's not your 'fro, either. I chose Jon Knight of New Kids on the Block."
The audience clapped as an image of Jon wearing penny loafers with jeans cuffed too high and his suspenders backwards appeared on the screen.
"Look at that! What a trendsetter! You know Kris Kross got the idea to wear their clothes backwards from him," JC said in an attempt to add credibility to his choice.
"Kris Kross will make ya jump jump!" Justin rapped, never one to miss an opportunity to show off his rapping skills and prove that he's multi-talented. Realizing everyone was looking at him strangely, he quickly turned to Joey. "What's your number one pick, Joe?"
He leaned back in his chair and sighed. "I don't see how anyone could argue with this. There's no doubt he's way under-appreciated. Although he has a great voice, he's rarely given the opportunity to showcase it. And he's constantly being overshadowed by blondes, especially one in particular. I have no choice but to blame Disney, and in more ways than one." Joey took a deep breath and made sure all eyes were on him before continuing. "My number one choice is . . . me."
The audience clapped, some cheered, and Justin snickered. The clip of Joey ramming his ass into the shelf during the "It's Gonna Be Me" video flashed over and over again on the screen.
"See! I get no respect!" Joey shouted, standing up and pointing to the screen.
"I thought it was Rodney Dangerfield who got no respect," Chris said, scratching his head.
Justin clapped his hands. "Excellent choice, Joey! Now Lance, who is your--"
"Ha! So you agree I'm under-appreciated!" Joey remarked, looking at the host wearily.
Justin tried to swallow the lump in his throat. There was definitely a right way and a wrong way to respond to that. "Well, of course I agree, Joey. You're like a brother to me; you're family. And whenever a family member isn't show appreciation, love, and respect . . . it tears me up inside." He wiped away a fake tear. "Lance, who's your number one choice?"
"Well, I would have picked myself . . . " He threw Joey a look. "But my popularity skyrocketed after making out with Lucy on 7th Heaven. So I chose the next best thing: Michael McCary of Boyz II Men."
"Finally! An intelligent choice," JC said, clapping along with the audience.
"Don't you mean a boring choice?" Chris asked with a smirk on his face.
JC rolled his eyes. "Chris, when will you--"
"All right, we need to keep moving," Justin interrupted, eager to get this damn show over with already. Couldn't they have gotten someone else to host? Jordan Knight or Joe McIntyre, perhaps? He sighed, supposing this was the price one had to pay for being Male Hottie of the Year. Like Miss America, you just had to fulfill your duties. He sighed. "Chris, your number one choice?"
"My number one choice may surprise most of you. Some will struggle to remember him while others, especially the younger crowd, will have never even heard of him. And if that's not under-appreciation, I don't know what is." Chris nodded his head to emphasize his point. "My number one choice is . . . Tito Jackson of the Jackson 5."
Clips of Tito rockin' his robin and singing his ABCs appeared on the screen. . Of course, one had to watch carefully in order to see him, 'cause Michael seemed to always be standing in front of him.
"Upstaged by the little brother! It's hard to appreciate him if you can't see him," Justin commented, turning in his seat to look at the screen.
"You would know a lot about upstaging, wouldn't you?" Joey muttered under his breath, crossing his arms with a look of disgust on his face.
"Are you implying I upstage you guys?" Justin asked, shocked anyone would accuse him of such a thing. After all, he's the lead singer! Well, one of the lead singers anyway.
"Implying it? I thought I flat-out said it," Joey remarked.
"Doesn't anyone want to know who my first choice is?" JC asked, perturbed that they managed to get off track yet again. He was convinced his groupmates were all suffering from ADD. He was, without a doubt, the only one with any focus.
"We do!" shouted a group of girls in the audience.
"Fine, what's your choice, JC?" Justin huffed and slouched in his seat, upset he didn't get to clear his name as a non-upstager.
The tenor pressed his back against the chair in the hopes of making himself appear taller. He wanted to look important, 'cause he had something very important to say. This was his number one pick. Heck, it was the pick. And he wanted everyone to know it.
"My number one pick was a member of the most prestigous boy band in music history," JC began.
"Was? I'm still in this band, and I already picked myself. You'll have to choose someone else," Joey interrupted.
"Not you, you big ball of hormones!" JC rolled his eyes. "Now, if I may continue without further interruptions . . . As I was saying, my number one pick was a member of the most prestigous boy band in music history. However, not only did he get practically zero attention, he had a scuffle with the ugly stick and lost." He scanned the room to make sure everyone's eyes were on him. "My number one pick is . . . " He paused for dramatic effect. "Ringo Starr."
Various clips of Ringo as a Beatle appeared on the screen. However, it was the name Paul one mother shouted as she threw her underwear. The guys flinched as the undergarment made contact with the screen and JC made a face that clearly said, "I rest my case."
"And on that note, I think it's time to start eliminating," Justin announced, staring at the pair of Hanes Her Way in disgust. "Joey, who would you like to take off the list?"
"Howie. Get him off there before I toss my cookies."
"Done!" Justin announced, elated the offending name was removed.
"Woohoo!" shouted Chris, jumping up and turning a cartwheel to celebrate. Seeing as how everyone was looking at him strangely, he sat back down. "Who would you like to eliminate, Lance?" he asked, hoping to steer everyone's attention to the loser who chose Howie in the first place.
"Hey!" Justin yelled in protest. "That's my job!" He turned to face the bass. "So, who would you like to eliminate, Lance?"
Lance scratched his head, deep in thought. This was truly a tough decision. The obvious choice would be to eliminate Howie in order to redeem himself. But since he was already removed from the list that only left one other option: Pissing off JC. "Well, Justin, I think I'm going to have to eliminate Justin Jeffre. I mean, really, who cares about him?"
The audience applauded Lance's decision, because, well, none of them cared about Justin Jeffre. However, there was one person who did.
"What? What?! Lance, how could you?" JC shouted, his tone a mixture of shock and disgust.
"Easy," replied the Southern Gentleman. "I'm a true bass, and he's nothing more than one of those wannabes the Spice Girls were so fond of singing about."
"Relax, JC," Justin tried to soothe his band mate. "You'll have your chance to get even, er . . . I mean, eliminate someone." He turned in his chair to face the eldest member of 'N Sync. "Now, Chris, who would you like to eliminate?"
"Well, Justin, I know most have a hard time, feeling there's too many good choices on the list and eliminating one is just clearly an impossible task. However, I am not one of those people. I'm going to have to eliminate Jon Knight, 'cause, let's face it, he doesn't hold a candle to Danny Wood."
"I have to agree," Joey said, doing his best to give the subject the serious attention it deserved, and loving that two of JC's choices were removed from the list. "Monkey boy is much more under-appreciated than Jon." The name left a bad taste lingering on his tongue. Damn those J-names!
Justin smirked, doing his best to contain his laughter. "JC, this is it. The final cut. Who would you like to see eliminated from the list?"
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to agree with Chris on this one. There is an easy task as there is clearly someone who desperately needs to be removed from this list. And that's Peter Tork." JC crossed his arms in front of his chest in satisfaction. That'll teach the albino to try to out-smart him!
Justin nodded his head and turned to face the camera. "And there you have it. All our panelists have removed those deemed unworthy to be called the most under-appreciated boy band member in music history. Now our studio audience will cast their votes. And remember, since this is a VH1 show, it will be re-aired at least 30 times. So all you teenies out there, program your VCRs!" The host took the card with the final list from the stagehand and cleared his throat. "I have, in my hand, the list, the top three under-appreciated boy band members in music history. Drumroll, please."
The panelists slapped their knees in drumroll fashion.
"The number three most under-appreciated boy band member is . . . the rest of Menudo!"
The audience clapped and Chris raised his arms in triumph, while clips of Menudo flashed across the big screen.
Justin waited for the audience to quiet down, and for Chris to finish running victory laps around the other panelists. He tripped Chris, coughed, and cleared his throat to get everyone's attention. "Our number two boy band member is . . . that other guy from Wham!"
Joey let out a big whoop and jumped up, pumping his fist in the air. The audience cheered for its number two choice. JC sunk in his chair, embarrassment all over his face. It was obvious no one knew music like he did. The obvious number two choice was Tito Jackson of the Jackson 5. Why was he the only one who saw that?
Teen Choice Awards' Male Hottie of the Year faced the camera, giving it one of his most dazzling smiles. "And now, the moment you've all been waiting for. The number one most under-appreciated boy band member in music history, as chosen by you, the audience, is . . . JOEY FATONE?!"
The audience stood on its feet and cheered while Joey leaped into the air. "Thank you! Thank you! I do have a public after all. You really do love me. Thank you!'" he exclaimed, running around the stage and blowing the audience kisses.
"Joey? Joey!? You were supposed to pick Ringo!" JC cried, burying his face in his hands. How could not one of his picks make the final list? He suddenly felt unworthy to be the C in 'N Sync.
"Well, that's about all we have time for today. But tune in tomorrow as New Kids on the Block debate which female artist has had the most plastic surgery. I'm Justin Timberlake, and we'll see you next time on . . . The List."