I would like to make note of something I saw on television the other day. I am a true product of the TV Generation. At the age of 17, I figure I’ve seen something like five million acts of violence on television, so I’ve been desensitized to the point where I can watch 13-year-old bisexual cross-dressing hookers on Jenny Jones without even batting an eye. Still, I was creeped out by a certain commercial.

The ad in question was for a Barbie doll. It retails under the name Celebration Cake Barbie and comes complete with a three-layered plastic cake and two tubes of icing, with the apparent idea being that the person playing with the doll can also decorate the cake (though the pleasure to be found in squirting frosting on a hunk of plastic fails to make sens to me, no matter how I look at it). "That doesn’t sound so bad," you may be saying to yourself. "It's actually kind of cute." But it doesn’t stop there. For you see, my friends, the cake is meant to be worn by Barbie as a skirt. Yes, you read that right. Once you stick Barbie into the top of the cake, she doesn’t look like she’s wearing it so much as popping out of the top of it. Combine this with her shiny, multicolored tutu, and Celebration Cake Barbie suddenly becomes available for Ken's bachelor party.

The Mattel Web site (actual motto: "We Touch the Child in Everyone") has this to say about Barbie: "She’s a successful businesswoman, a member of a rock band and a Women’s World Cup soccer player." And now she’s popping out of plastic cakes.What kind of message is being sent to the little girls across America who would undoubtedly be affected by this doll? Little Suzie gets Celebration Cake Barbie for her birthday, and before you can say, "It’s a great time to be a girl," she’s coming home with her Underoos stuffed full of Monopoly money. Her fragile young psyche is scarred for life, and before long she’s lining up for a shot to a sham marriage on national television to a guy pretending to be rich.

OK ... I’ll admit it: Maybe I’m not as shocked as I am jealous. The horrible truth of it is, I would have killed for a stripper doll when I was a kid. And now here’s Barbie, popping out of cakes. This really makes it hard on a teenager who already has to deal with strange looks at the mall when I get excited over the new Speed Racer action figure assortment.

Yes, I still buy action figures regularly. It is partly because I’m immature, but mostly because the toys they have today are just so damned cool. Can you blame us teenagers for still buying toys in our comparatively old age? Still, with all the heat today’s toys are packing, it’s Barbie who is doing the most damage. Consider the numbers: In 1999 alone, sales of Barbie dolls exceeded $1.5 billion dollars. Apparently, her curves aren’t the only impossible figure. Shake that little plastic moneymaker, Barbie.

The only reason I can find for this product to exist at all is that it was completely intentional. Think about it. You’re working at Mattel, figuring out new ways to squeeze every last penny out of your target demographic. The pay’s probably not that great, you’re embarrassed to tell women what you do for a living and everybody made fun of you at the high school reunion. You can’t quit, because they won’t give you unemployment and you’ve got nothing to fall back on (should’ve listened to your mother and gone to law school). You can’t possibly go on living like this.

So, in a semi-brilliant flash of inspiration, you decide to start designing dolls that nobody in their right mind would unleash on the public. Everything goes according to plan (Wacky Iraqi Barbie is summarily rejected, and you are put on probation), until you hit that one snag. It turns out that the suits are crazy about your latest design, Bachelor Party Barbie - the one you hoped would be the last straw. They change the name to Celebration Cake Barbie, take away the miniature handcuffs, and ship it out to toy stores across the land, giving you a promotion to head of designs. It takes about five minutes of reviewing sketches even worse than the ones you did trying to get fired before you start contemplating suicide.

I am convinced that we will soon see Table Dancing Barbie, who also offers selected customers a lap dance for extra cash. Is this where today’s toys are taking today’s kids? Well, if it is, then sign me up.