Anyone who says their high school years passed “in the blink of an eye” was on amphetamines and never had to take gym.
I like to think I can say that with a bit of authority, having just completed my last year of government-mandated high schooling. I can look back on the last four years with my vision unclouded by nostalgia and tell you firsthand that while some of my compatriots found “Pomp and Circumstance” to be as depressing as a funeral dirge, I was dancing a happy little jig, elated that they could never make me go back.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate school. It’s just that I could never get past the absurdity of getting up when I didn’t want to, to go to a place I didn’t want to go, to do things I didn’t want to do, with people I didn’t particularly like. I know this is the principle that our entire economy is based on, but I wasn’t even getting paid.
Still, it’s incredibly difficult to prowl the hallways for four years without learning anything worthwhile. Not impossible, but difficult. I’ve seen it done before, sometimes by people who held out five or six years, but frankly, I just wasn’t up to the task. Unfortunately, most of what I learned didn’t show up on the exams.
Those things are what count. And they can be counted on one hand, if I remember my numbers correctly. (I did a lot of sleeping in math.) Yes, these nuggets of wisdom are what I have learned in my years as a high school student. And now, I pass them on to you.
• When People Say “Don’t Ever Change,” They Don’t Really Mean It: When I was in eighth grade, pretty much everybody wrote this in my yearbook. And, being the impressionable lad I was, so so long ago, I took it literally. Four years ago, I was basically a loser, sitting around, reading comics and playing Nintendo. Now, while the rest of my classmates are usually out getting drunk, high or laid, I’m basically still a loser, sitting around, reading comics and playing Nintendo. Jeez, my favorite channel is still the Cartoon Network. The lesson I’ve learned? Never trust anything written in gold pen in an overpriced book of pictures of people you don’t like.
• Prom Night Is No More Magical Than Being Poked in the Eye With A Sharp Stick: Crepe paper does not Camelot make, nor cardboard an evening in Paris. I’ve been to the grand affair three times, and each year is more disappointing than the last. There’s nothing in the world that shatters your illusions faster than seeing a girl in a $500 prom dress hike up her skirt and “booty-dance” to the romantic strains of Juvenile’s “Back That Thang Up.”
• Despite What The Media Tell You, Teenage Girls Are Far From Easy: Trust me on this one, folks. I’ve been trying to find a girl with no standards for my entire high school career. It looked so easy on television. But alas, I learned the hard way that “Smartass Aspiring Writer With No Job Or Car” falls only slightly above “A/V Geek” in the dating hierarchy.
And while we’re on the subject...
• High School Romances Were Not Built For Longevity: By the time the yearbook came out this year, every single couple listed in the “romance” section had broken up. The kicker: Next to each of the pictures was a note from the couple professing their everlasting, undying love for each other. Such was the case with my ex-girlfriend, the only one I had during my high school years. I gave her my heart; she gave me mono. Ah, young love.
• Every High School Student Is Only Six Degrees Away From Someone Who Had a Bizarre Sexual Experience with an Animal: This might sound weird, but there’s a guy who went to my high school who was rumored to have had sex with a cat. Apparently he was drunk, but is that some kind of excuse? Anyway, as I related this story to my mother, she suddenly threw her hands up into the air, almost wrecking the car, and exclaimed “Does EVERYONE know somebody who had sex with a cat in high school?” I guess so.
