My Second Rant
-or-
What is wrong with the entertainment industry
Now don’t let the fact that I am ranting about the entertainment industry give you the
mistaken belief that I hate entertainment. I don’t. I like entertainment. It’s just that what
I consider entertainment might sicken and/or disgust you. Then again, it might not. It all
depends on how you feel about high explosives, house pets, guns, fire and alcohol. I don’t care
about your opinion anyway. Of course, the people who really need to read this are the kind that
have a night’s entertainment sitting on their back porch with a bottle of liquid brain death,
watching a bug zapper spark. Not that they would understand most of what I am saying here.
Most of you still haven’t introduced yourselves to me. Not that I am sure I want to meet you,
now that I have had time to think about it. After all, most of you are the same people who I
wouldn’t worry about running over in my car. The only part I would worry about is cleaning you
off of the grill and windshield.
Let’s start with what I hate about the current entertainment industry. First, I generally hate
my intelligence insulted by what I watch, listen to, or just generally observe. That being said,
the various entertainment industries have, for the most part, been pissing me off since about
the age of fourteen. I have been subjected to bad music, bad movies, bad television, bad acting,
bad directing, bad commercials and bad products. Secondly, I don’t like being told that
something I purchased, I don’t have the rights to use in any personal way I want. For those of
you who don’t know, the recording industry (i.e. RIAA) has stated that just because you bought
their overpriced artist’s overpriced CD, doesn’t mean that you can rip the songs off of your CD
and store them on your computer. They want you to pay extra for it. And they especially don’t
want you to share it with your friends. After all, that would be stealing. And it is. But it
is stealing from a major industry, so I consider it on the same level as spitting on the
sidewalk. It is somewhat bad, but it isn’t something that everyone hasn’t at least wanted to do
once. And if you say that I am stealing from the artists, don’t worry about it. They don’t get
much for a single CD. And the loss of revenue that the music industry is complaining about is
not due to Napster, as much as they would like to say it is. It’s due to them not changing
their business model to correctly reflect the current market. I mean, who really buys those
cas-singles anymore? I would apologize for the economic and free market section of this rant,
except for the fact that I hate you. And I don’t apologize to people I hate.
Movies
Let’s start off with something simple. Movies. If a movie goes straight to video, it
doesn’t need a sequel. If you do release a sequel, and it goes straight to video, STOP. We
don’t need a ‘Land before time 17’, ‘Mighty Ducks 12’, or any of this other garbage that is
being spewed forth as entertainment these days. Try to come up with something original. And by
that I don’t mean find an old story/movie, dust it off, and re-make it. Far too many of the
movies that I have seen released are remakes of either mediocre stories, which result in
mediocre (or worse) remakes, or were good stories that the re-make destroyed. I do realize how
difficult this is for you, Hollywood, but do try to come up with something original. I don’t
really care if it costs you a little extra to actually pay for talented writers. You’ll
actually benefit from it. And more importantly, I will. Because then I won’t have to sit
through some of the regurgitated crap that you are releasing into the theaters in your perpetual
quest to make a buck.
Now that I have covered about half of the crap that is currently available in your local
video rental store, let’s cover, generally, things that are coming out soon. Since I have no
idea, control, or actual inclination to know when you are reading this, I will make some
predictions. Soon there will be a movie coming out that is the “Best action film of the year”,
one that “Will leave you crying in your seat”, one that is “Guaranteed to make you laugh”, etc.
Hollywood keeps using the same catchphrases over and over again, so it is no wonder that they
keep using the same stories over again and again. We will have the standard action flick,
starring one of the latest action heroes, in his/her attempt to 'save life as they know it'. I
say life, as I have yet to see an action movie where the main character had anything approaching
what would be considered a normal life. I mean, even in the cop movies, where the hero is
supposed to be a normal guy, have you ever seen a normal life?
Now before you think that I hate every movie that has come out, I don’t. Here is a short
list of what I do like. I like Casablanca, nearly every Jackie Chan movie, The Usual Suspects,
American Beauty, plus others. Don’t ask me why each made this list. I either don’t want to
tell you, or I am unable to tell you. That’s right. I don’t know why I like what I like. I
just like it. Don’t ask me to explain myself. I can’t. But that won’t stop be from pointing
out your shortcomings.
Music
Music. I forgot who, as well as the exact quote, but someone somewhere said something
like “Music is the window to man’s soul.” Ambiguous enough? Which makes me think that our
souls have become very commercialistic, jaded, and repetitive. Don’t think so? Look at
anything that is playing in the top 40 of ANY of the Billboard charts. Now after that, I
challenge you to find a group that doesn’t look like them, sound like them, act like them, etc.
that is/was also in the Top 40 in the last four weeks. Now, if the group appears twice, that
doesn’t count. I want to make this a challenge. We’ve got girl groups, boy groups, and
boy/girl groups roaming around the record studios, ripping up the potted plants and attacking
anyone who doesn’t attempt to offer them a record contract.
Now I know some of you are going to ask, ‘Well then, Eric. What kind of music do you like?’
I’ll tell you. I like music that means something, music that sounds good, music that sends a
shiver down my damn spine without resorting to ultra- or sub-sonic noises, music where I can
tell what the song is within the first couple of seconds, music where the group playing doesn’t
mention the name of their band at the start and end of every song, music where I can tell the
god damn difference between two different songs on the damn album, music where the band got
there through some hard work and sacrifice, not because daddy was in the record business and
got them a deal.
At this point, someone should come by and say ‘Calm down, Eric. It’s only music.’ But
it’s not. Remember the quote. It is the window to our soul. It is in part what allows us to
enjoy sunsets. Or puppies. Or looking into a young girl’s eyes. Or even looking into a young
girl’s eyes as you blow up her puppy. I’ll bet you thought I was getting soft on you. But
music is the window to our soul. The only problem is that no one is cleaning the window. Or
fixing the glass. Or even putting a fresh coat of paint on the fucking frame. We occasionally
get a new artist that threatens to do so, and either they disappear in a short amount of time,
or they become part of the system. There are those that manage to put out good music time after
time, but they are rare. Who are they? I’m not telling. Go out there and find them for
yourself. You’ll have a good time doing it. And don’t worry; I’ll watch your stuff while your
gone.
Writers, Actors, and Directors
Movies probably wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for three things. The writers, the
actors and the directors. Actually, make those four things. Include the audience in there as
well. You tend to laugh at the wrong times, don’t get the jokes I scream at the screens, talk
when I am listening, and tend not to listen when I am talking. Unforgivable. An unpardonable
sin. I should take you out back and flog you. However, some of you would enjoy that too much
and thus take away from some of my enjoyment. Which totally ruins the points of doing it. But
back to point I was in the process of making.
Writers. Most of the fetid slime that is put up in the screen (big or small) is the
product of some writer’s twisted imagination. The only problem is that either they were either
too twisted, or not twisted enough. They don’t seem to realize that the audience doesn’t need
to be beaten over the head in order to get the point. Don’t massively foreshadow the plot, show
the plot, and then explain the plot. I’m not stupid. Yet you think I am. You believe that I
must have it all explained to me as if I were a small child. I’m not. I’m a pissed off adult
with some buying power. Don’t fucking over-explain the plots, jokes and rationale behind the
characters. Just have it unfold naturally.
Actors. While you will have a few who are actually worth a damn, most just can’t seem to wait
to sleepwalk through their lines and collect their multi-million dollar paychecks. Some of the
best movies I have seen recently have been foreign flicks. These movies, they actually have a
story to tell, with the added burden of having to tell it well in two different languages. Most
don’t succeed, like any French movie I’ve ever seen, but the ones that do are stellar. Then
Hollywood gets a hold of them, tries to remake some of the magic with them and fails utterly.
Most of the time it is due to the actors being unable to get a handle on the character, but
equally often it is the director, who manages get all of the right stuff wrong, and all of the
wrong stuff even further wrong. Take Godzilla movies. It’s a fairly simple, straightforward
concept. Big rubbery monster climbs out of ocean, destroys part of Tokyo, faces some sort of
greater threat (government agency, another rubbery monster, Raymond Burr), destroys the rest of
Tokyo, and leaves. But Hollywood can’t get that right. As the best example, they attempt to
put some motivation behind the monster. It’s Godzilla you morons, he doesn’t need motivation.
And on top of that, Godzilla did less damage to New York (I guess Tokyo was being rebuilt) then
everyone else did. And what does Japan do right after that? Release yet another rubbery
Godzilla movie that does better then the multi-million dollar turd that Hollywood shat out.
It is nice to see someone, somewhere get something right each and every time.
While actors often take themselves way too seriously, directors are often worse. They
attempt either to make scenes so patently silly in an attempt to make us laugh that they come
across as idiots, or they are all on track trying to get an Oscar. At least a few have the
decency to attempt to entertain us for a while before trying to go all out for the little golden
statue. However, most of them attempt to give us some sort of message about the ‘human
condition.’ The problem is that since they have really no clue about the human condition, they
can’t express it correctly with what they are doing. Plus, throw in the added ‘burden’ of
misinterpreting the writer’s work to make it ‘better’ and you end up with crap like Ishtar,
The Postman, XXXX or Waterworld.
Occasionally, you’ll have a ‘Sixth Sense’ or a ‘Usual Suspects’ or an ‘American Beauty’ or
a ‘Casablanca’, but those are getting rarer and rarer. It seems no one wants to make good
movies anymore, and I hate them for that. We ask for better movies, but Hollywood, you don’t
listen. We ask for good entertainment. But what do we get? Horror films that fail to scare
me. Comedies that fail to elicit a laugh. Drama that fail to draw a tear. Not that I cry.
The most recent ‘tear jerking’ movie I can recall seeing was ‘Titanic’. Now there’s an idea.
Let’s make a movie about a boat sinking. You already know what the main storyline is going to
be. The boat sinks. And just to let you know, I cheered when Leo slipped under the water. I
just wish it had been for real. It, as so many movies I have seen, failed to live up to my
expectations. As a matter of fact, I can’t recall the last time a movie lived up to my
expectations. Of course, I do have fairly high standards for most of my entertainment, but that
shouldn’t be held against me. The only thing I want held against me is young, nubile, female
flesh. As often as humanly possible.
Finally, Tom Green should die. No, don’t try to save him. He should just fucking die. In a
very excruciatingly painful manner. And he should tape it. That way we can enjoy the last
special Tom Green moment. He should be anally raped with several large butcher knives, torn
apart by wild dogs, his remains ground into a fine powder, mixed with water, made into slushies,
and served to all of the mourners at his memorial. That way those insipid people who show up
can enjoy a last little bit of him.
Television
Reality TV bites. I don’t see why we are subjected to watching people go through all
kinds of indignity for a whack of cash. Maybe it’s because we like to see people suffer. Maybe
it’s because it allows us to live vicariously through others. I think it’s so that we can see
someone suffer worse then we do on a daily basis. See them suffer and suffer and suffer and
then get nothing out of it. Well maybe they get fifteen minutes of fame. But do they deserve
it? Like I’m the one to ask. All I know is that between all of the reality shows that are on,
I watch none of them. If I want to see people torture, aggravate, and alienate each other, I
can get it without all of the commercial breaks. It’s called family.
And just as bad as reality TV, is what they are calling sitcoms today. Not that the
sitcoms of early years were really much better. No one gets into those types of situations over
and over and over again. It just doesn’t happen. And if it does happen to someone, the poor
SOB probably ends up blowing his brains out because he couldn’t possibly get all of the good
stuff that comes with the bad. The vast majority of the shows that I watch aren’t sitcoms.
They are drama where the characters are presented fairly realistically. They have ups and down
just like the rest of us. They have the asshole boss and the demanding girlfriend. Or in a few
cases, no girlfriend. They have the job that they love doing but hate all at the same time.
And unfortunately, these shows are becoming fewer and fewer. Either they get killed off do to
poor ratings, because you sheep don’t want to watch anything without a laugh track, or due to
the fact that they become too popular, which causes the stars to either leave to pursue movie
careers (how many of those have succeeded?) or demand so much money that the show has to drop
someone.
I won’t talk too much about bad commercials, except to say that apparently I went into the
wrong business. Yes, I could have made and lost a small fortune if I’d had at least one good
dot-com idea, but these people, ad men, they are the ones making the killing out there. They
make the dot-commers look good. If there are people out there getting paid this much money to
convince me to buy the products that they pimp out to us every five minutes, and failing so
miserably, I could have made a killing. Do we really need fifty types of deodorant, twenty
types of paper towels, eight brands of mayonnaise, and so on? And even if we truly do need this
vast choice of toilet paper, do we need it hocked to us every 5 minutes? Do we need insipid
explanations about long distance service; cheesy situations to remind us how to call collect
cheaply? Nope. Not in the least. But at least Mr. T is getting some regular work again.
That’s about the only thing that I have seen good in a commercial lately. I mean, do you
actually buy toilet paper based off of a commercial? If they wanted to be realistic about how
it worked, you would get a testimonial from a bunch of construction workers about how well it
worked after a dinner of beer and beef stew.
I’m just guessing on the numbers there folks, so don’t try to flame me by saying you found a
ninth brand of mayo. At best, I’ll just ignore you; at worst, I’ll track you down, tie you up,
and do nasty horrible things to your kids while you watch. Like teach them. Teach them that we
don’t need this type of rampant commercialism in our lives. And after they have learned that
lesson, I’ll set you on fire, for making me take the time and trouble for coming over and
teaching your kids something that you should have. And then I will roast marshmallows over your
twitching, burning corpse.
Remember, I hate you.
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