Chapter Five
Nick looked down at Dannon and waited for her to say something, anything. She sat there, her eyes closed like she was in a trance, remembering the way she wanted to tell it. She didn't want to bore him with the little things, but she had to tell him everything, or he would never understand. He wouldn't grasp it, he wouldn't be able to see the real her. He brushed his hand across her forehead, moving a strand of hair from her eyes. She opened them and gazed at him. Letting him read her soul again. She turned and walked to the window, ready to let him in. "We had just moved to New York, and I was starting ninth grade at Johnson High. I was new, and scared, and not from a big city. We had just moved from Indiana, and I was amazed by the whole "big city." My parents had always been a big part of my life, always telling me right from wrong, and pressuring me to choose their way. They told me straight from day one how important high school would be. And that if I wanted to get into a good college I would have to make good grades all four years. I had an older sister, Veronica, who in their eyes was perfect. She was everything everyone wanted to have. Beautiful, smart, funny, athletic, nice. She was popular. Immediately she was accepted. Me, I wasn't. I was this tall, fat girl who had long stringy hair, and glasses. I wanted friends, lots of friends. I wanted to go to parties and go shopping. Gossip over what my boyfriend said, and cheer at the Friday night football games. But, no one wanted me to do that. They wanted me to focus on my studies, make sure I stayed on top, was perfection. My whole family had the "perfection" complex. That's what Dr. Shields calls it. My sister, being the perfect human that she was, was able to be popular, and get all her studies done and still have time to be nice and sweet to my folks. I, on the other hand, could barely keep up with my work. My sister confided in me that a way to keep everything straight was to keep a schedule, a strict program. And go by that everyday. I think that's what happened. I learned from Miss Perfection herself, that in order to keep everything from overwhelming me, I was to become a machine. Not pausing for anything, just giving and giving. I also asked her what to do about fitting in. These are the words of wisdom she gave me, learn how to not eat. Then you won't think about it. Learn how to not eat. I couldn't believe that! Not eat, how could anyone not eat. She told me that sometimes after you stick to your schedule it just flies from your mind. So, that's how it started. I started a strict schedule. Get up, jog for an hour, come home, go to school, come home, do my homework, jog for an hour come home and study. Then it was time for bed. My parents assumed, that like my sister I was eating in my room. That was something she had been telling my parents for years. And miraculously it worked. My grades improved and I lost weight. I couldn't believe it, neither could the people at my school. Suddenly, I was getting a lot of attention, and I loved it. So, I kept with my schedule. Fine tuning it and making it harder. Instead of just jogging for two hours, I jogged and then came home and did aerobic tapes. My sister and I would share tips on how to hide food, and make it look like we were eating. My sophomore year came and my sister left for college. I felt lonely, I had made friends, but none with the same schedule as me. They wouldn't understand, or so I thought. It was late in my sophomore year and I had made so many friends. I was spending the night with Lori and she was talking about how she needed to lose weight. I mean here was a normal person talking to me about losing weight and I started getting nervous. I mean the way I did it, you didn't talk about it, you didn't discuss it, you just learned the secret and did it. That's the first night I practiced bingeing and purging. That's how Lori did it, so her parents weren't suspicious. She ate and then threw up. I didn't have to starve anymore. It wasn't like I cared about food anyway now, it had been so long since I had actually eaten an actual meal, I had forgotten. But, the holidays were coming up and we were having family over. I couldn't not eat, so there was my secret weapon. Lori and I decided we would become diet buddies, someone who encouraged the other not to give into the temptation that plagued us all the time. We also became study buddies. Staying up all night and studying until we thought we'd die. We became inseparable, until junior year. I decided that I didn't just want studies, I wanted something else to be known for. That's where cheering came in. I was going to be at the top of everything. Football season came and went, I was going to tri-out for basketball season. I dieted all fall. Just to make sure that when the time came I was the thinnest, the best. I could tumble and flip. And my height was perfect. I was happy, I had made it. Since all of a sudden my popularity skyrocketed, from scholar, to jock. Lori and I hung out with totally different crowds. I got invited to the Friday night parties and well, Lori just partied all the time. School was becoming harder though. My schedule dwindled, but I still lost the weight. That I had a hold of, control. I was in control of that. My parents noticed my grades slipping and commented on it. I had always made straight A's. Always, I was another Veronica. I was perfection. Junior year ended and I went back to my routine of working out and studying, until late June. Lori called me and invited me to a party. I went, and that was the night, my whole world came crashing down. I was at about 105, and I couldn't hold anything down. Food, drinking. But, that night I drank. I drank a lot. I woke up the next morning, in the bathtub at someone's house, soaking wet. Found out I had thrown up all over myself. I was embarrassed, but nobody cared. Nobody remembered. So that's how I spent my summer. Getting wasted and trippin' on whatever drug was given to me. September of my senior year came. My parents hadn't said a thing about the summer, but now with graduation so close, they pushed me. Pressure was something I could handle, I could deal. Right? Wrong, I cracked. And I cracked big time. It was mid October and I had gotten my first report card back, I wasn't failing but I wasn't doing great either. I decided to stop the partying and start concentrating on my school work. The first week I thought I was going to die, I had been taking the drugs for too long. Ecstasy, LSD, acid. I needed something to keep me running. That's when I used speed for the first time. It was November 13th, and I had a huge test coming up. I was spilling this all to Lori, who had somehow become MISS A+ again. She was doing speed. It kept her awake, and it helped her lose weight. It was my miracle. Until I crashed and burned in February. Exams were coming up and I needed to study. I hadn't taken any for like three days, and was feeling the side affects. I was hallucinating. I remember it was February 25th, and it was cold outside. I had come home from a long weekend, partying and getting all the aggression out before exam week. I was in the bathroom, I hadn't taken anything at the party. I was straight, besides some alcohol. I was proud of myself for staying away from the speed. It was in the cabinet, but I told myself no more. Until I looked in the mirror. I saw this ugly, fat body. And I couldn't stand it. I remember getting on the scale and looking down. I saw 97, and freaked out. I felt huge. I hurled, and hurled, for like an hour. I saw blood and freaked out. I got in the shower, trying to clean it off me. But all I saw was blood everywhere. And this voice that kept saying over and over again. 'Your fat, and ugly, and no good.' Everyone thought I had it together. I got out of the shower and looked at myself. I needed those pills, I was going crazy without those pills. I tore into the cabinet, frantically pulling every bottle I had off. Trying, but no avail to get the lids off. I couldn't. My hands weren't functioning. I threw the pills away and looked at myself again. I remember my mascara was making little black streams down my face and I laughed. I laughed because that wasn't me, I had changed. I had worked so hard to become that ugly, fat girl in the mirror. I hated it, I hated her so much I wanted her to die. I threw my fists into the mirror, breaking it into a hundred pieces, slivers littered the pink floor. I heard my parents yelling downstairs, but I blocked them out. All I heard was that voice, that clear constant, quiet voice telling me that it could take it away. I remember picking a large piece from the sink, and not even thinking twice about putting it to my wrist. It didn't hurt, I don't even think I felt pain. I remember falling to the floor, and the tiles felt cold against my back. I heard my mother's cries outside the door and my father kicking it. I looked at the ceiling and waited to die.
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