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Steven Wright-isms:
- I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means
it's going to be up all night.
- A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
- I woke up this morning and walked into my living room, only to discover
that someone had stolen all my stuff and replaced it with exact replicas.
- Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper
the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
- I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I laid down
in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
- I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the
statues that are in all the other museums.
- I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.
- I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet
in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want,
and the table would move across the floor to it.
- One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash
on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures
of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
- My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how
and when you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "No." She
said, "Okay, forget it."
- When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age
in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
- Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay
there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty
years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their
deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said,
"So. What did you think?"
- I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full
house and four people died.
- I went for a walk last night, and she asked me "How long are you going
to be gone?" I said, "The whole time."
- I'm a peripheral visionary.
- I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
- I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
- "You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get
to the top, and you think there's one more step? You know when you're rocking
back in a chair, and you go so far that you almost fall over backwards, but
at the last instant you catch yourself? I'm like that all the time.
"
- You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment,
and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment?
I'm like that all the time.
- I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks
like I'm the only one moving.
- I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead.
You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling
noise go by.
- When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you have
any toy train schedules?"
- I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act
like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
- I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went
to the funeral in one car.
- My girlfriend and I went on a picnic. I don't know how she did it,
but she got poison ivy on the brain. When it itched, the only way she could
scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
- I like to skate on the other side of the ice
- And when I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm
leaving.
- If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
- I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus. Everyone who looks
at says "That's you alright."
- Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic, I mimic my shadow.
- If God dropped acid, would he see people?
- Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said,
"Wish you were here."
- I took a baby shower.
- I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
- My neighbor has a circular driveway...he can't get out.
- Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
- What's another word for Thesaurus?
- If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
- I had my coathangers spayed.
- Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
- There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty
people were trapped on the escalators.
- The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a
pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking
down everything in the store."
- I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit
the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
- I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
- My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
- I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.
- I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies".
So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".
- I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly
the prescription ran out.
- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them
in the same room and let them fight it out.
- I bought a cordless phone the other day. Now I can't find my phone.
- The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked "Tell
me about some of the people who were here last year."
- I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me
are furious.
- It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
- I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped. I said, "No
thanks -- I'm not going that far."
- I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door
complained. So I shot him with a gun with a silencer.
- A lot of people voted for change, and that's all they have now.
- If Smokey the Bear died, would you cremate him?
- For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place
to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...
- My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I
go over there and write misspelled words on them.
- Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
- I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
- I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
- After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
- If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
- Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind
his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false teeth. with braces
on them.
- George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you
can't hear him talk.
- I like to reminisce with people I don't know
- For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them
in the same room and let them fight it out...
- There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices...
in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...
- I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
- I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier
they wouldn't have to go so fast.
- Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to
be on the road an hour.
- If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
- If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
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