DADDY _Scene- In the House_ -QT- That panda was my friend. Why did this happen? WWWHHYY? -Chad- I asked the same thing when my parents died. -QT-Your parents were not an endangered species. -Doug- Look what your anger has done, LOOK!! -Jerry- Im sorry QT, my dad called me and told me he was on his way over and I freaked. -QT- Why are you so mad anyway? -Chad- Jerry’s father cheated on Jerry’s Mother and thats why they got (a pause) (whispers) divorce. But He’s coming by to make up. -Jerry- Yea right we dont talk for four years but as soon as I make some money and get a cushion pad hes all Hey Jerry Im your best Bud. _*Sound- Doorbell*_ -Mickey- If thats the pizza I ordered last night, this punks gettin’ no tip! -Jerry- Its my dad. Guys there’s something you have to know about him. -QT- He’s adopted? -Jerry- No, my father is.. nice. (guys confused) He’s not really nice he just gets you to like him and then he does something terrible like... borrows $500.00 from your savings account to buy lottery tickets or forgets to pick you up at school and you spend the weekend in the cafeteria sucking on frozen wieners -Doug- And he rings the bell until you go mad, mad I say! -Jerry- Just be on your guard, dont let him get to you! (opens door) -Jerry’s dad- JEERRYYY... Hey good to see yah son. -Jerry- Yea we should do this every four years. -Ted- Hi fellas Im ted. Its a real pleasure to finally meet you . -Mickey- We aint fallen for that crap. You messin’ with the wrong gangster. -Ted- Wow that tough guy thing isnt just an act. Jeez I hope you dont hate the gift I brought yah. -Mickey- Wutever it is, I cant take it. You did some pretty bad ass things to my boy here and I stick by my crew. -Ted- Ah, From the Wu tang video. -Mickey (hugging him) I love you poppy!! _Opening Sequence_ _Scene- House_ -Ted- QT, Here’s a little friend for you. -QT- Oh man, Just what I need, Jerry killed my other friend. -Jerry- Guys cant you see what’s happening... he’s buying your friendship. -Chad- I see exactly what’s happening, Whats for me! -Ted- Ha Ha Ha, here you go. ANd it lights up. -Chad- OOOHHHH, A whole planetarium, now I can see what galaxy Im from! -Doug- Uh Chad, Mom was kidding about that. -Ted- Jerry, this is for you. (hands him a check) -Jerry- $500.00? -Ted- I never forget my debts. -Jerry- I cant cash this till December. -Ted-Happy x-mas. Ah Listen Im in town for a trade show but uh I hope that we can get to do some hanging out. -QT- we’ve got a press conference for our new cd, you can come chill with us there. -Jerry- QT!!! Dad You cant just walk back into my life and pretend that your the good guy. -Ted- I understand son, I’ll uh go check into a motel. -Jerry- OOOHH no, no your not gunna make me the bad guy. Your stayin right here. Im the good guy, your the bad guy. Good guy Bad Guy! -Ted- Whatever you say son. Oh Doug (Doug gets happy) Uh listen I figured your a full grown man, you probably didn't want a gift anyway. -Doug- (sad, but trying to cover it) OOhhh yea right of course. -Ted- AHHHH Ah Ah Ah there!! The latest Oakley's!!! -Doug- Oh man you rock!!!!! -Everyone (minus Jerry)- Laughs _Scene- QT and Chad with the Fish_ -QT- Lunch is served -Chad Where did he go? -QT- Oh my God! He jumped out! (picks him up from the floor and puts him back in) Why would he try and kill himself! -Chad- Maybe its just a cry for help. -QT- But I gave him a good home, his own mermaid, where did I go wrong. -Chad- Maybe there’s something wrong with this food. (Pours it in his mouth, talking with food in his mouth-) uh-uh tastes fine. _Scene- Press Conference_ -Report- Guys 2gether’s just released its 2nd album and people are starting to demand some answers, for instance Whats your favorite colors? -Jerry- Man we’ve been looking to clear this up for some time, Mines blue. -QT- Light Blue. -Doug- Royal Blue. -Mickey- Robins Egg Blue. -Chad- Velvet. -Jerry- Well if it isnt Ms. Meritz from the Herald. -Ms. Meritz- Ah, I see you remember me. -Doug- Well who could forget your review of our cd. And I quote “ Not since the space shuttle Blew up, has there been a disaster on the scale of 2Gether Again.” -Meritz- Guys, Many say that boy bands are a manufactured product composed of air heads who know little or nothing about real music, your response? -Jerry- Thats dumb. -Meritz- Uh Huh, why would it be dumb? -Doug- 'Cuz. -Ted- Excuse’ Excuse me, Uh, Pardon me... Umm ... Theodore O’Keefe Here. -Jerry- Dad No! -Ted- Uh Look, uh uh, Im Not in show biz but uh Yes Boy bands are manufactured, a group of artists is brought 2gether, the way artists have always been brought 2gether from The theatrical companies of Ancient Greece, to the, the Cathedral Builders of the Middle Ages, To the sublime visionaries behind Destiny’s Child. Now, Honestly are you willing to give up all of that because its manufactured? Look That outfit your wearing, thats manufactured. We wouldn't want your to violate Any of your principals on our account, go right ahead and take it off. -Meritz- And what would you do if I did? -Ted- I’d Count my lucky stars. -Scene- QT, Chad and the Fish_ -QT- Why are you unhappy? Do you not like your bowl? Is the mermaid not putting out? -Chad- Doug says, fish only have a memory of about 5 seconds. -QT- So I’ve only got five seconds to talk to him. -Chad- And then he forgets everything. -QT- Okay here it goes. (Chad goes to watch the time) Umm How should I put this... -Chad- Times up go. -QT- Uuhh I Know sometimes you feel neglected but I can understand that because.... -Chad- Times up go! -QT- Are you timing this right? -Chad- Times up go! -QT- I wasn't even doing it that time. -Chad- Times up go! -QT- He’s out again! (Chad picks him up) -Chad- Your an unfit parent, You dont know anything about raising fish. -QT- I know that they need water to breath. (Chad puts him in) -Chad- Whoops _Scene- Guys signing Cds to ship out in the Main TV Area (living room )_ -Music- Your the only one thats real. -Doug- I want you to hold me!!! Your what I want!!! -Mickey- (and all) sings along -All- When I feel your the only one thats real!! -Ted- (Getting off phone) Terrific! Hey great news guy....!! Jer Jer the melody of that song is just like the one I used to sing you to sleep with. -Jerry- You never sang to me. -Ted- Anyway!! Who's up for a quick trip to Vegas!!!! -Mickey- What do you think?You damn Skippy!! -Jerry- Mickey... Its gunna take us all night to autograph these for QVC. -Ted- Of Course work comes first, listen I’ll just call my friend with the private jet and tell him were not gunna make it. -QT- Private Jet?? -Ted- Yea, but the Jucuzzi only seats two at a time. -Doug- Lets finish this!! -Jerry- There's no way! -Chad- I wanna see Siegfried and Roy. -Doug- I wanna see the hookers. -Jerry- Fine go all of you!!! -QT- Take care of my fish, hes ready for a snack and the bowl needs to be dislined. -Ted- Come on son, It’ll Put some hair on your chest! Come on Jer, Lighten up, Live a little. -Jerry- Oh Im living believe meee!!! I’m Living more than all of you guys put 2gether! I dont have to fly out to Vegas to live! All your Jets and Jucuzzi's and Hoes is nothing compared to the life Im living right here at home! We’re gunna have some good times (talking to the fish) _Back from Commercial Break_ -SCENE- Guys come home, Jerry’s Hands Dead. -Chad- I call dibs on the bathroom. -QT- Not if I get there 1st! -Chad- Stupid Parachute, Always slowin’ me down! -Doug-WHats with your hands? -Jerry- Nothing, just doing my impression of lobster boy. -Ted- Ah thats my fault, the O’keefes always have lousy connective tissue. Our Backs are crap too. Hey Jerry, Mind if I crash on your bed. -Jerry- Sure, Go ahead. -Ted- Its Not a bother? -Jerry- Why should it be a bother? -Ted- You sure? -Jerry- Sure Im sure. -Ted- No trouble -Jerry- Go! I gunna punch each one of you Vegas Loving traders right in the face, If I could make a fist. -Chad- We never made it to Vegas. -Mickey- Yea it seems your pops overstated his friendship with the powered Jet guy anyways he took off without us and left us stranded in this airfield in the middle of nowhere. -Jerry- Finally your feeling my pain, the man revs up the party bus and then crashes it into a brick wall, now you know. -Chad- But we had an awesome time! -Doug- Yea your dad ran into this hot as hell babe with her all girl jump squad. He used his good looks to charm them into taking us all kemdum skydiving. -Jerry- Good Looks? He’s fat and bald. -Doug- Your point? -Mickey- My jump buddy Rod Deller, lets just say she had a couple air bags of her own, oohh Rod Deller. -Chad- Jerry, I think your dad loves you, I mean all he talked about was you. -Jerry- I dunno what he’s doing here but its got nothing to do with love. I need some air. Lousy father, Im not gunna let him ever take advantage of me ever again, I’m not a helpless little child. Jacket, door, nose. _Scene- Bathroom_ -QT- Are you sure, He’ll Like getting in the bath tub? -Chad- I hope He’ll swim up my trugs. -Doug- He’ll love it, he’s got a great view of the toilet and there’s no way he can jump out. -QT- Why did he become a jumper in the 1st place? I must be a lousy father. -Doug- I know how you feel. Every time My kids attempt suicide I blame myself. -Chad- Your X-wife blames you too. -Doug- So do the kids, and the shrink, Im a lousy father. -Chad- But remember on Jilly and Jennifer’s birthday when you bought them those crates of the old fireworks, at least you mean well. -Doug- Yea I do, I try, and so do you QT, we’re both trying, and thats all you could ask of a person. -QT- I just feel that there’s something more I could be doing. -Jerry- Maybe you could be a better father QT, on the other hand maybe the fish is just being a jerk. -QT- Hey, Dont DISS MY FISH!!! -Jerry- HHEEY, Its a metaphor. Forget it. -Doug- Well time to take the plunge... Heve Ho!... see he looks happier already, swimming all around -QT- Thanks Doug, It takes a Village. -Chad- He’s doing it!!! He’s up my shorts!! (dances with happiness) _Scene- Jerry going to talk to daddy_ -Jerry- Dad? Dad.. -Ted- Yea, son... -Jerry- I haven't been fair to you, I assumed you were here ‘cause you want something, but maybe all you really want is spend time with me. -Girl- Oh thats so sweet. -Jerry-OOOHH MY GOD!! -Ted- UUhhh, Jerry, You remember Litia from The Herald. ~Runs out, guys show up~ -All- (when seeing Ted naked.) OOOHHHH GOD, OOOOHH... -Ted- Jerry, Jerry You have every right to be upset, I, I never should had her in your room, I should have picked a reporter that gave you a good review. -Jerry- I want you to go. -Ted- What if I told you I had cancer? -Jerry- You have cancer? -Ted- No but I could, I mean they cant prove that I dont have cancer. -Jerry- Get out of my house now!!! I said go!!! -Chad- That was it right? The bad thing you said your father was going to do after he charmed us?I think that was it guys. _Back from Commercial Break_ -Scene-The House_ -QT- Jerry? Jerry, We wanna apologize, you know for thinking your father was a good guy. -Chad- We didn't know he was a slut. -Mickey- So to make it up to you were gunna let you punch each of us as hard as you can, Starting with QT. -QT- Mickey let me go 1st, for only a dollar. -Jerry- Thanks guys, but I just need to be alone. (Liz come in) -Liz- Hi-Ho 2getherites -Doug- Oh crap its Cathy Lee Giddy. -Liz- Jerry’s father has filed a law suite against him for millions of dollars. -Jerry- What? -Liz- He claims he wrote the melody for Your the Only One Thats Real, and that Jerry stole it from him. -Mickey- That is cold blooded man. -Jerry- I knew he was after something. -Liz- Usually the label settle out of court but father sues son, What could be juicier? -Jerry- How about son demolishes father. -Liz- Oohh I just got chills. -Doug- We’re With yah Jer, 100% -Mickey- Yea man no one messes with my crew and walks. -Liz- We’re going to arbitration with a real judge, so you also have to show total respect, that means everything has to be as formal as possible. _Scene- Arbitration_ -Judge- This is not a court, not a trial it is an arbitration, so dont get all formal I hate that. -Doug- Your Majesty. (walking in with the guys) -Judge- Uh Mr. O’Keefe who is representing you? -Ted- I am representing myself. (QT puts his fish by the open window) -Judge- Your a fool. -Ted- I’ve been called worst. -Judge- Numb Nuts? -Ted- A compliment -Judge- Jerk off? -Ted- You know there are people I would pay to have them call me that. -Judge- Whats your story? -Ted- Jerry, remember if you will a morning, March 1989, you were 8 years old. Will you stipulate for this arbitration that at that time we both liked Cheerios. -Jerry- Yea I guess. -Ted- Ah HHHAAA!! Thank you very much. Now, on the morning we questioned, there were very few Cheerios left in the bowl. You said go ahead, I said no Jer, your a growing boy, you have a full day of school ahead of you, We’ll split them. -Jerry- That never happened, That never happened. -Ted- You have no recollection of this instinant? -Jerry- NO! -Ted- AH, Perhaps this will jog your memory (takes out a bowl of Cheerios). -Judge- Where are you going with this? -Ted- Ah You Honor Im just trying to help him remember that we had some good times 2gether That I wasn't always just a totally a bad dad. -Judge- Go some where else. -Ted- Ah okay okay, now Jerry do you remember when you punkchured your sister’s spleen with the lawn darts? -Chad- Laughing hysterically* Im out of order aren't I? -Judge- Yes -Ted- You punkchured your sister’s spleen. -Chad- *laughing* Im sorry, there's just something about that word. -Ted- You punkchured your sisters organ. -Chad- HA HA HA HA HA -Ted- But it was a mistake -Jerry- Not a mistake, an accident. -Ted- An accident, mistake, these are just words. -Chad- Like Spleen AAAHHHH HA HA HA HA HA -Judge- Can someone control him. -Doug- No. -Judge- Got it. -Ted- It was a mistake. But the point is, it doesn't make you a bad person. Does, it? Not a bad person forever -Jerry- Of course not. -Judge- Does this have anything to do with the case before us? -Ted- Am I under oath here? -Judge- Thats what I thought, Can I please hear the 2gether version of the song in question. -Liz- This is it, now remember she’s a chick so pour on the sap. *Music- Your the only one thats real- Guys dance cheasily. -Chad- OOHHHOOOHH -Jerry- When you call me, are you smiling? When you leave me does it make you sad? Is there an emptiness you feel? When we’re 2gether are you glad? -Mickey- When I talk to you hear, When I cry do you care, when I wake up in the morning do you want me there? -All- I want you to know me, I want you to hold me, To know who I am, what I want, when I feel your the only one thats real. I want you to know me, I want you to hold me, 'Cuz when we kiss, When we touch, all I know’s your the only one thats real. -Mickey- Your the only one thats real, only ooonnnnnneeeeeeee...... -Chad- I want you to know me... I want you to hold me... -Judge- Very nice, Very Very Nice... Ah!!! Mr. O’Keefe, What evidence do you offer supporting your claim of authorship! -Ted- Your Honor, I think I’d like to sing a lullaby that I used to sing to my son when he was a boy. -Jerry- I told you, You never sang to me. -Ted- Your honor? Judge- Sing! -Ted- There is a monster, he is a killer, he wants to eat your heart, suck your blood, kill you dead and he’s right beneath your bed. If you want to kill him (Jerry joins in) You’ll need a weapon like a bee-bee gun, laser beam, or just call out for your dad. You remembered!!! -Jerry- You sang me to sleep with that, I cant believe it, I stole your song. -Ted- Thats it, see it was a mistake see it doesn't make you a bad person does it?. -Jerry- No, No it doesn't dad. -Judge- It makes him a thief. -Ted- You honor, sorry, excuse me I dont want any money, Jerry I’m sorry I just, I had to find a way to get you to talk to me. -Jerry- Your honor can he have his name on the song...next to mine? -Judge- Sole ordered... goodbye! -Ted- Thanks Jer!! -Jerry- No thank you! -Ted- For what? -Jerry- Cheerios ~Mickey, QT, and Doug walk t o the fish bowl at the window.~ -Doug- OMG, he jumped! Don't look its too horrible. -Mickey- Why’d you leave Mr. Splash? He’s too close to the window? -QT- SO he’d kill himself, he was a real pain in the ass.