KISS _Scene- At charity auction for Bilory Thrombosis.... All but QT are up on stage ready to strip in order to have girls donate money for a date with the guys_ -Liz- Every year the Biliary Thrombosis foundation raises hundreds of thousands of dollars so that children with withered mucussy livers can start a new life. Lets us now take some time to pray for their good health. That should do it, now lets get to the real reason we’re here, to bid cold hard cash for fresh young meat! ~On stage...~ -Chad- Doug! Doug I cant do this. -Doug- Its for charity! -Chad- Some girl might bid on me, and then she’s gunna wanna date me and then I’ll have to kiss her! -Doug- I know isn’t it great? Our one chance to become male prostitutes. -Liz- So now its time to light up that tote board! The highest bidder for each one of these five young foxes will win a date with them! Ohh so come on girls let the bidding begin!!!! (girls rush up to the stage) ~Music begins to “U+Me=Us (Calculus)” and the guys begin to strip~ -All- Go Go Go Go Go... -Mickey- Ohh Baby! -Chad- (having trouble stripping) Ohhh lord! ~While guys are off their stands they dance and strip and sing for the girls while Chad is shy and stands on his podium and sings~ -Chad- U+Me=Us oh! -Mickey- Well I’ve never been good at history and I dont give a crap about Robert E. Lee! -Jerry- When it comes to co-signs I know a thing or two and I kicked ass on the test about me and you!!!! -All- I know my calculus, It says u+me=us!!! Said I know my calculus (Doug tries to get Chad to come down and dance but he wont budge so he goes back to dancing but he has not votes, he only has negative amounts...) It says u+me=us! U...+...me...=...us! (Chad looks at a girl in the audience giving him sexual looks and he goes into a state of shock while singing and dancing) U..+...me...=...us! U..+...me...=...us! (Everything gets blurry in Chad’s view)U..+...me...=...us! (Chad faints and the music stops) _Opening sequence to 2gether.. Music: 2gether_ _Scene- After the auction... Chad rests on Dougs leg with a compress on his head_ -Jerry- Well gentleman we did good, we got alot of dates, helped alot of kids. -Mickey- Every time I thrusted my penis I felt like I saved some poor child’s life. -Doug- My highest bid was minus 125! I think I like owe some chicks some money! QT’s in a hospital room and he did better than me! Chad passed out and he did better than me! -Chad- (He sits up) But I’m still worse off than you, I have to go one a date which is a problem because... well you know.... -Jerry- What? -Chad- I’ve never kissed a girl before. ~guys in shock~ -Mickey- But you have had sex with a girl right? -Chad- I dont know how to kiss a girl, and I want my 1st time to be perfect! What am I gunna do on my date? -Jerry- Just kiss her whats the worse that can happen? -Chad- Well she can be laughing and then when I go to kiss her I knock her backwards and she lands on a rusty nail and gets lock jaw, and then her teeth are clamped around me and I get lock jaw too! -Doug- You wanna know how to kiss a girl? I’m gunna tell ya, get up... you be yourself! You be Chad Linus! -Mickey- By the end of the night we’ll all be gettin some! -Doug- Thats right! -Mickey- Except for you Doug! -Doug-Thats right. _On their dates..._ -Jerry- You must be Cindy, I’m Jerry O’Keefe I believe you own me for the evening. -Cindy- Yes I do! (hands her flowers) Oh you shouldn’t have! -Jerry- So uh we have reservations at the Ivy. ~Door bell rings and it’s Mickey~ -Mickey- What up date? (hands her a car scent thing) -Cindy- Oh you shouldn't have! -Mickey- What the hell are you doing here O’Keefe? -Jerry- What am I doing here? You must of grabbed my dates address by accident. -Cindy- Oh no there’s no accident, actually I bought both of you guys! _Scene- At the house with QTs date_ -Tom- So there we have it, you’ve seen the house and now you’ve seen the man himself Jason “QT” Mcknight! -Girl- Thats a t-shirt! -Tom- A t-shirt of QT! You won him at the auction and here he is! -Girl- Is this a joke? Where’s QT? -Tom- Look the kids shacked up in the hospital and this is the best we can do. -Girl- I think I hear my liver failing. _Scene- At bowling Alley on Chad’s Date_ ~Chad extremely nervous~ -Girl- I hope you dont think bowling is too geeky I just kinda wanted something Cas.. (meaning casual) -Chad- Mmm huh (keeping quiet) -Girl- I’ve really been looking forward to this date -Chad- Ha hhhaaaa (then shuts himself up with nervousness) -Girl- So have you ever bowled before? -Chad- Right right..... -Girl- Are you feeling okay? -Chad- Umm I think I’m gunna go use the bathroom. ~Chad runs all the way home~ -Chad- This close to lockjaw Doug! This close! -Doug- Aren’t you supposed to be on a big date? -Chad- So she thinks I’m in the bathroom. (starts to change into pjs) Boy was that close! -Doug- What are you doing? -Chad- I’m going to bed!!! _On Mickey and Jerry’s date_ -Jerry- Okay here’s what we’re gunna do, Mickey you date Cindy tonight and I’ll come back tomorrow night. -Mickey- Yea! -Cindy- That wont work I wanna make out with both of you. All night long. -Jerry- I’m not a two for one special... Mickey she’s all yours! -Mickey- Yea baby, I’ll double or nothing to make up for wussy boy. -Cindy- Sorry if I cant have both of you, I dont want either of you. -Jerry- G’night! -Mickey- Wait! Wait wait wait wait wait!! Can you excuse us for a second? (talking to Cindy) Aight cool... Dog!!!! She is hot! -Jerry- One girl two guys?Listen I am not gunna make out with Cindy with you peeking over my shoulder! -Mickey- Ohhhhh, I know what you afraid of... you aint comfortable with your sexuality. -Jerry- Huh? -Mickey- Yea man you cant be around when another guys gettin biz! -Jerry- Wait wait wait, I’m gay because I dont want another guy around? -Mickey- If you ain’t gay then you aint got nothing to worry about right? -Jerry- Cindy, I am a secure, well adjusted male and I will be taking you and Mr.Parke here to the Ivy where we will be seated in the heterosexual section. -Cindy- YYEEAA!! _Scene- Back at the house with Chad and Doug_ -Doug- This is your big night, your 1st kiss you gotta go back there! -Chad- I took your advice and acted like Chad Linus and I found out that Chad Linus is a quivering ball of moron! -Doug- Then don’t act like Chad Linus! Just get back there and kiss her!!! -Chad- That’s the whole point I dont know how to kiss a girl! -Doug- Its easy! (gets “Cosmogirl” (the magazine) out) I offer you the guide to the female mind. These things are full of great advice, like here 25 tips on how to land that good night kiss! -Chad- Lets hear them! -Doug- The simplest request is always the best... May I kiss you on the lips? -Chad- Oh gross your my brother. -Doug- Thats the line, you look her in the eye and you ask may I kiss you on the lips? -Chad- I’ll never remember that. -Doug- You dont have to remember it. ~Back at the bowling alley, Chad feels more secure because he has Doug talking to him through a walky talky (Chad has a speaker in his ear)~ -Girl- Oh where you go I was gettin a little worried there. -Chad- Just getting you a mixed drink, Root beer with Mr.Pib. -Girl- Are you wearing a new shirt? -Chad- Nonsense nonsense. -Doug on two way walky talky-I do hope you weren't worried about me. -Chad- I do hope you weren't worried about me. -Girl- I’m fine now. -Chad- The rest of the evening will be perfect, I promise. You’re doing great Chad. _Back from Commercial Break_ _Scene- At the house with Mickey and Jerry_ -Cindy- Thanks for a nice dinner guys. -Jerry- Yea, you bet. -Cindy- So, should we commence the kissing fest? -Mickey- Yea lets start commencing. -Jerry- Sure, Hell yea, -Cindy- Yaay, Why dont we start with a body massage in the bedroom. -Mickey- Now we’re talking! -Cindy- Mickey, you can start on Jerry. -Guys- Huh? _Scene- Tom with QTs date_ -Tom- What more do you want? I let you see his room, I let you caress his x-rays, the date is over! -Girl- I want the real QT! I wanna hug him and I wanna kiss him and if I dont then my liver might explode. _Scene- Chad’s Date_ -Girl- So thats why I moved back to LA, you know what I mean? -Chad- Indeed, Indeed I do. -Doug on walky talky- Alright Step number three, dont spazz. Breath in, Breath out. -Girl- Your eyes are freakish, they are a really awesome gray -Doug on w.t- Okay step 4, casually put your arm around your sweetie. ~Chad puts the wrong arm around her that he chokes her~ -Girl- Okay uh Neck!!! Uh, okay, ha ha umm here we go (fixes his arm) thats a bit better, mmmmm I can, I can almost feel your heart beating. Its fluttering so fast, am I doing that to you? Am I making you feel this way? -Doug- (drops w.t and starts taking off his shirt) Yes... _Scene- Mickey, Jerry and Cindy_ -Mickey- (barely massaging, touching Jerry) Mmm, uh that good enough? -Cindy- Enough four play, lets get to the kissing. (turns off the lights) -Mickey- What the hell are you doing women???? -Jerry- What are you afraid Mr.Big shot? Mr.sexual comfortable. -Mickey- Hell no! Mickey P. aint afraid, damn! Lets do this! -Jerry- I’m with it.... -Mickey- Damn girl you got the softest fingers!!! -Jerry- Thats not her finger!!!!!! -Mickey- Oh damn!!!! Oh, new rule lights on!!! -Jerry- Way on, way way on!! _Scene- Chads date_ -Girl- So are we ever gunna bowl? -Chad- HA ha ha ha ha, you are a witt my sweet chub, cherub, sweet cherub. -Doug- (feeling his chest while holding the w.t) Oohh cherub, oohhh sweet suckulant cherub. -Girl- Chad are you okay? -Doug (comes back to his senses)- Uh uh uh... whats that I smell upon your cheek? -Chad- Whats that I smell upon your cheek? Over? (talking to Doug) -Girl- Uhhh I think its just my cheek. -Doug- Wait wait wait....Uh could it be.... -Chad- Neutragena oil controlling astringent? -Doug- No not that! Okay just stall stall, talk about beauty tips, commitment, breast.... -Chad- Cancer research, blah blah blah, a few fashion ads, multiple orgasms, etc. -Girl- Are you drunk? _At the house... in Dougs room_ -Tom- Hey dough boy, I need some advice. -Doug- Here (throws a magazine). -Tom- Its about QT’s date. -Doug- Not now! -Tom-I mean I dont like her, and it burns my ass that she gets a handicap parking spot. But... I dont wanna kill her. -Doug- How about I kill you!!!! _On Chad’s date..._ -Chad- How about I kill you? -Girl- How about you kill me? -Doug on w.t- No no no Do not kill her Chad!!!! -Chad- No no.... Do not kill her Chad. -Girl- I have to go.... -Chad- (making sure he gets everything right from Doug)No... No... -Girl- Yea. -Chad- NO. -Doug- No NO! -Chad- No...No.... -Doug- Stay right there I’ll be right down! NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!! -Chad- No, no. -Doug- No no no no no no. -Chad- No no no... -Doug- NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! _Back from commercial break_ -Scene- Chads Date_ -Girl- Listen Chad, I’m sorry. I’m sure that you’re a really nice guy underneath all that freakyness. I just, maybe we’re not... -Doug- (walks in) Holy Cow! Chad Linus! Its Chad Linus my younger brother! I’m Doug. Pleasure. -Girl- Alyssa. Hi. -Chad- There’s no need to rescue me, I blew it. -Doug- Oh thats nonsense. You two were meant for one another. A handsome young guy and a beautiful, beautiful young girl. _Tom with QTs Date_ -Tom- Listen, Josie... -Josie- Let me wither away in peace. -Tom- The rest of the world might think you’re only half a person, but not QT. -Josie- So you’re saying if QT were here tonight he might think I’m pretty? -Tom- He’d think you were the prettiest wheelchair bowned chick he’d ever seen. _Chad’s date..._ -Doug- Ha ha ha, You know what Chad is? Whats the word for the guy that does everything right, who loves small children and animals, and can do no wrong? -Chad- A skydiver? -Alyssa- I think the word is Doug if full of it. -Chad- Thats not a word. -Doug- HA HA HA. -Alyssa- You have a great laugh. -Doug- You know who else has a great laugh and I mean this seriously... Chad Linus. -Chad- Its true... HA HA HA HA HA!!! -Alyssa- This is really turning into a great date. (places her hand on Dougs leg and starts to massage him) _Tom with Josie...._ -Josie- I know you couldn't give me the real QT tonight but you, you still said some really nice things to me tonight. So, you know... thanx. -Tom- Nooo, thank you. _Chad’s date..._ -Chad- I’m gunna go get us some fries. -Doug- Pardon me. Hey hey hey, you know we should take off. You know? -Chad- Are you kidding this is the closest I’ve been all night, I’m gunna kiss her and its thanks to you. -Doug- Ha ha ha ha, ohh yea. So you like Chad? -Alyssa- I think there might be something wrong with Chad. You know I so wanted to kiss a 2gether guy and I so wanted it to be Chad, but now I’m thinking maybe I need to be with someone older. -Doug- You know Chad’s actually 40. It’s true he uses a special skin care regiment. -Alyssa- Does he now? -Doug- Yea, nightly sink treatments and exfoliation. (Doug and Alyssa go in for a kiss) _Scene-Clips of kisses_ ~Jerry and Cindy Kiss and Mickey watches~ ~Doug and Alyssa kiss~ ~Tom and Josie kiss~ ~Cindy and Jerry Kiss, then Cindy and Mickey Kiss~ ~Doug and Alyssa Kiss and Chad walks in and is hurt~ -Doug is mad at himself and tries to run after Chad. _Scene- Mickey, Jerry and Cindy kissing..._ -Jerry- (kissing Cindy) What are you doing? -Mickey- I ain’t doing Jack! -Jerry- You were making a face! -Mickey- What? Why were you looking at me, you should be looking at her! ~Cindy leaves~ -Jerry- I was about to hederosex her up but you ruined it with her ass like face! -Mickey- Oh so you’ve been looking at my ass too! -Jerry- No your face! And thats that the only reason I’m not getting biz right now! The only reason. Whered she go? -Mickey- I dunno man, maybe she went to get another girl. -Jerry- Probably. _Scene-Tom with Josie..._ -Tom- (breaking away from the kiss because he realized Josie was able to stand and walk) How did you do that? -Josie- Im sorry. -Tom- What are you sorry for? You can walk I healed you, I’m the next Jesus. _Scene- In the House, Chad messing up all of Dougs stuff_ -Chad~Messes up and punches Dougs magazines, shoves his stuff off of the shelf, takes his blow up girl and jacket and throws it out the window~ -Cindy- What are you doing? -Chad- Who are you? -Cindy- I’m Cindy. -Chad- Oh hi, I’m Chad. -Cindy- I know ~Both smile~ _Scene-Tom and Josie...~ -Tom- Do you know how much I can do now that Im like Jesus, I’m gunna go turn water into beer. -Josie- I have something that I need to confess. -Tom- My 1st confession, yes! -Josie- I was never really sick, I could always walk. I was just trying to find a way to relate to QT, but now I just wanna relate to you. -Tom- Wait a minute, so am I Jesus or not? -Josie- You’re cuter than Jesus. -Tom- Oh. _Scene-Chad with Cindy.._ -Chad- Well it was supposed to be my 1st kiss and it was gunna be perfect, but it went to my brother instead. -Cindy- Oh, 1st kisses are next perfect.~Jerry and Mickey hear the convo on the walky talky that Doug left on in his room~ My 1st kiss was with these two guys in a boy band. You know, I actually bid on you at the charity auction, but I couldn't afford you so I had to settle for Jerry and Mickey, 2 for the price of 1. -Doug (running into his room where Jerry and Mickey are listening in on the convo) Where’s Chad, where’s Ch... -Jerry and Mickey- Shhh!!! -Chad- You bought Jerry and Mickey? You could of had me and Doug and still got some money back. -Cindy- I’m not sure if I want your brother. -Chad- He’s really not so bad, he got me here with you. -Cindy- Well put. -Chad- May I kiss you on the lips? -Cindy- Yea... ~Chad goes in for his 1st kiss but right before he kisses her he puts on a big smile... then they kiss~ -Tom (walks into Chad and Dougs room where the other 3 are)- Whats up my fellas? -Jerry- Shhh, Chad kissed a girl. -Doug- Hey you guys you mind going to your rooms? -Jerry- Yea you know we should give Chad some privacy. -Chad- No I uh just left in the middle of a make out session, I may need a little alone time. -All- Oh -Mickey- Oh damn! ~Chad and Cindy Kiss~