RAGE Scene- guys watching tv -FAKE BOB BUSS-i've been in this business a long time and i happen to know there are 5 types to any successful boys band. there's fat one, then you got your good looking but boring one, then there's the dumb one, the fake tough guy one that i call the poser, and finally the one with the terminal illness, the dying one. -MICKEY- what the hell is this? -DOUG- jerry come out here and look at this -SPOKESPERSON FOR MOVIE- MTV proudly presents an original movie, 4-eva. -QT- MTV has a movie making fun of us! -DOUG-I cant believe im the fat one. -CHAD- I cant believe im the dying one, will somebody please drive me to the hospital? -MICKEY- what? you aint the dying one, im the dying one! urban man over 25 im an endangered species! -ERIN- qt's the dying one -QT- Its true! -JERRY- yea, your the poser -MICKEY- say what? -DOUG- hey there's nothing wronge with a poser, there's lots of white kids who pretend they're black. -MICKEY- hold it! these mugs think they can rip me and my crew and survive they think mickey parkes gunna let his boys be beat down like that hells no man! -JERRY- mickey chill -MICKEY- what? oh man thats bull man, damn!!! (punches cabinet) -QT- here we go again! ~GUYS TRY TO CONTROL MICKEY~ -MICKEY- get off! pardon me erin -ERIN- okay ~GUYS HOLD DOWN MICKEY AND SHOVE A SPATULA IN HIS MOUTH~ _OPENING SEQUENCE_ -DOUG- well this is the umpthteenth tantrome this week, 1st he broke the key board in bush gardens -QT-then he re- decorated our hotel room in denver with a sledge hammer. -CHAD- and when he was on hollywood squars he urinated on jason alexander. -TOM- our lawyers went apecrud over that. -JERRY-hey jason blocked him in a corner square, mickey was just making a statement -TOM- well the label has had enough with mickey's little statements. the kid has got to change or 2gether is cuput. -MICKEY- ~tied up~ damn! _SCENE- MICKEYS ROOM_ -MICKEY- (ON THE COMPUTER) yea red six, ~(CHAD TRYING TO SNEAK DOWN THE STEPS)~ where the black 5 at? i'll take you out ~MICKEYS THROWS THE COMP.~ what'chu want? -CHAD- wait! wait, before you kill me i have some news for you. -MICKEY-speak! -CHAD- okay well i heard about a shipment of artillery arriving downtown this afternoon. -MICKEY- what are we standing around here for my man, lets go! _SCNENE- ANGER PSYCHOLOGY CENTER (MICKEY DOESN'T KNOW)_ -MICKEY- yo man you sure we in the right place? -CHAD- yea -PHYSCHOLOGIST- boys? you wanna come on in? -MICKEY- you don't wanna pan me down or nothing? i might be clipped! -PHYCH- no, no no were all about trust here. -MICKEY- aight, (sees the other 3 guys sitting inside) its an ambush! ~DOUG, JERRY AND QT TRY TO STOP HIM FROM LEAVING~ -DOUG- we're here for you -MICKEY- get off me man, why is everybody goin' all oprah on me? -JERRY- Its your anger mickey, its bad for the band its bad for you. -MICKEY- no sir,you aint changing mickey p! -DOUG- hey hey,thats okay we figured you wouldn't handle your anger, that would require test results. -MICKEY- what? i'll deal with my anger, i'll deal with my anger right in your face! what'chu got? -PHYCH- we're gunna play something i call the empathy game, its a roll playing exercise that helps you feel what its like to be on the other end of someone's anger. -MICKEY- bring it on! -PHYCH- all right, lets re-en act that fit your through last week when you threw your fist through the cabinet. -MICKEY-alright -PHYCH-but but but for the purposes of this game, mickey you'll be qt. -MICKEY- does it look like a nine year old girl to you? -PHYCH-its just for the game -QT- well then, who am i? -PHYCH- qt, you'll play mickey so you'll understand where mickey is coming from and he'll understand where your coming from. -CHAD- why cant i be somebody? -PHYCH- well i never really thought it was necessary... -CHAD- i'll be jerry! -JERRY- im doug! -DOUG- i get to be chad! ha ha ha ha -PHYCH- Yes okay, all right, QT why dont you start us off, how do you feel? -QT- okay, umm, im mickey and im mad at everyone about everything! -PHYCH-wonderful, mickey? -MICKEY- Im qt and i think mickey parke is the biggest pimp in all da land ha ha -JERRY- qt wouldn't say that. -MICKEY- shut your ass jerry! -JERRY- Im doug. -MICKEY- shut your ass doug! -QT- wa wa wait, im mickey, shut your ass doug! -CHAD- don't talk to my brother like that! i mean chad's brother, i mean im jerry, i go out with erin! -JERRY- don't bring erin into this! -CHAD- I didn't bring erin into this, i did! -DOUG- all right everybody just be quite! ~ARGUING~ -JERRY- ALL RIGHT NOW -CHAD- im jerry! i get erin! if i'm jerry i get erin!!! -JERRY-I'm doug, if im doug i should be sitting over there, chad should be sitting here and doug over there! -DOUG-can i be erin!?! can i be erin? i don't wanna be chad! -QT- i'm mickey! im mickey 1st! _MICKEY STORMS OUT_ SOUND-SILENCE -PHYCH- wait, wait a minute, what just happened here? -QT- I think i just left! _WATCHING THE MTV MOVIE_ -FAKE BOB BUSS- boys for the next 2 days we're gunna work and train as a team, we're gunna become a real boys band!4-eva with a four!!! -CHAD- what? ha ha ha where do they come up with this stuff? 4-eva with a four, ha ha! -JERRY- this blows, i gotta go see my vocal coach! -ERIN- hey jerry, grab me some batteries on your way back and i am dying for a candy bar. -JERRY- sure what kind? -ERIN- just get my favorite -JERRY- your favorite, oh right. -ERIN-jerry, you have no idea do you? -JERRY- what? erin we have only been going for like 2 and a half years. ~LEAVES~ ~ERIN WALKING PAST MICKEY ROOM, SHE WAVES TO HIM, SPRKLY PIXIE DUST IS ALL AROUND HER ~ _SCENE- MICKEY LISTENING TO HIS MUSIC IN HIS ROOM, MARVIN WALKS IN_ -MARVIN- mickey, the label, ~walks over and takes off his head phones, shuts his music~ i said the label wants you to see a different therapist. -MICKEY- man, im perfect the way i is! -MARVIN- mickey well uh, let me let me,tell you a little story about myself. -MICKEY- oh , this outta put my ass to sleep, shoot. -MARVIN- I wasn't always known as marvin boide. for a time, i was a rockstar like you. -MICKEY- i knew it, i knew i knew your face, you blew the lodicrat hommous!, you gave the world hip-hop! the one and only funky cracker chocolate fence, one of my top favorite albums ever! lodicrat hommous! -MARVIN- lodicarite is dead! and you know who killed them? -MICKEY-who? -MARVIN- anger and pride, anger and pride slit ludicrat's throat from ear to ear. -MICKEY-yo man, that rocks! -MARVIN- you don't get it do you? mickey, there isn't a day goes by that i don't feel personally responsible for the dangers of gangster rap.i myself have murdered biggie and 2pac -MICKEY-ooh -MARVIN- I myself gave eazy e that god hating virus -MICKEY- so, so your sayin' that you stopped being a bad ass and your happy about it? -MARVIN- you just remember this mickey, the only real badass is the one that has the courage to change. believe that _SCENE- WATCHING TV_ -JERRY- candy man! -ERIN-they have played this movie over and over, give me chocolate! -JERRY- I got you one of every kind they had, because i love you! -ERIN- if you don't know my favorite then just say so, because i know all of your favorite things, and, and your real favorites not the stuff your just supposed to say for the magazines. -JERRY- Im sorry what? ERIN- ugh _SCENE- MICKEY AT A NEW THERAPIST_ -THERAPIST-mickey, hi, im dr. kalkstein- william and im so glad you could come. MICKEY- what up girl? -DR.- im gunna step out and fix myself a cup of tea, care for anything? -MICKEY- no no, im alright -DR.- feel free to paruse a cat fetsy and i'll be back in a jiffy. -MICKEY- cool ~TV PULLS DOWN, MICKEY IN CHAIR, A MOVIE PLAYS~ MOVIE- me, (shoes pics of celebrities like eminem) me (shows pics of celebs- kid rock, fred durst, etc) happiness (shows pics of jewelry) enemy (pics of celine dion,ricky martin, and rosie) pain (pics of cats) me (pic of rosie, and james vander beek) pain (pics of jewelry, cars) enemy (pics of eminem) happiness (cats) pain (kidrock) me (celine) pain (jewelry, etc) happiness (celine) me (matt damon) pain (jewelry) happiness (matt) happiness (matt) me enemy (fred durst, kid rock,etc) enemy (kid rock) me (rosie) happiness (rosie) me enemy (eminem) enemy (jewelry, kidrock) pain happiness (flowers, cats) me (celine, ricky, et) pain (kid rock) enemy (eminem) pain (jewelry, cars, etc) happiness (cats) pain happiness (celine, matt damon, cats, flowers, etc) me _BACK FROM COMMERCIAL BREAK_ ~SCENE- ALL GUYS EXCEPT MICKEY TRYING TO PRACTICE SINGING, SOUND BAD~ ALL 4- 222GGEETTHHHEERRR -TOM-i cant tell if that sucked, or if that totally sucked! (squeezing chad and dougs shoulders) -QT- its because mickey's not here -TOM- he's at the shrinks, now look this gig coming up is unplugged, that means no explosions, no fancy costumes, just you and your voices, and so far your voices haven't shown up. ~MICKEY SHOWS UP, IN PREP~ -MICHAEL- hey fellas, sorry im late. -DOUG- heey, someone dipped mickey in a big bad of wuss! -MICHAEL- i would like to apologize for my behavior of late. i know i have been a real nightmare to deal with lately, and i'd like to make it up to you so i would like to handle the solo slot at the unplugged show. -TOM- are you sure your not gunna flip out and go all trench coat mafia on us? -MICHAEL- no,and to prove im serious i'd like to handle the radio interview tomorrow. -TOM- you hate doing publicity! -MICHAEL- hate publicity? america without its publicity is like matt damon without that trillion dollar smile! -ALL EXCEPT MICHAEL- LAUGH -MICHAEL- did someone crack wise? -ALL EXCEPT MICHAEL- LAUGH _SCENE- MICHAEL IN THE KITCHEN MAKING CAKE, OTHER 4 BEHIND THE COUCH HIDING_ -DOUG- that smells good -MICHAEL- freshly baked carrot muffins, help your self. -DOUG-what is this noise, whale humping? your into gangster rap, bitches and hoes! -MICHAEL- I believe by hoes your referring to whores, or prostitutes. i really don't think we need those types of references in our pop music. -DOUG- thats great mickey, thats just great. -MICHAEL- please, iittts michael ha-ha, thats my given name. ~DOUG RUNS BEHIND THE COUCH~ -DOUG-they neutered mickey! -JERRY- at least he's not breakin' stuff anymore! -QT- plus these muffins rock! -DOUG- scrumptious _SCENE RADIO STATION_ -CRAZY RICK- welcome back to the morning whack attack at 109.7 the bomb diggity! this is crazy rick with my kimusomi, bad boy bill! -BILL- hey, we're down here at the lazy lounge on 3rd where tonight 2gether will perform an unplugged set to raise money for the human gino project. ~SHOWS THE OTHER 4 AT HOME LISTENING TO THE RADIO~ -RICK- we've got 2gether bad boy mickey parke in the studio with us this morning. how you doing mick? - MICHAEL - its michael and i'm teriff thanx -BILL- mtv is doing some kind of sad tire on you guys did you have a cow when you guys found out about it? -RICK- yea, that guy who's supposed to be doug wow! is the real doug that fat? -BILL- yea is he on some kind of all crisco diet? -MICHAEL- hey doug linus is a great guy a great guy, clearly, more of a novelty then a singer however. -BILL- tell us a little about qt, does qt stand for totally queer(?) but backwards? -MICHAEL- far being for me to say anything negative about him, i mean he's a great talent, mmm somewhat childish, and a professional whiner, plus he reeks of death. -RICK- this is priceless, what about chad! -MICHAEL- lets face it, chad isn't the brightest candle on the birthday cake! -CHAD- confused, what? -MICHAEL- and jerry, my goodness what a dancer, what a dancer! as for personality, lets just say he doesn't have one. -BILL- oohh, ok! ~SCENE- BACK HOME~ -MICHAEL- hey fellas! what's the good word? -DOUG- you passive aggressive basterd! -QT- you've changed dude, you used to beat me up but, you've never hurt me till now. -MICHAEL-look, im just tryin' to improve the band! -JERRY- but its destroying us! -MICHAEL- everybody just needs to take a chill pill and call me in the morning (walks away) -JERRY- maybe we should cancel the gig -DOUG- cancel it, don't cancel it, it doesn't make any difference, mickey's gone. -MARVIN- just another victim of too much change too quick. i should of seen it coming. -QT- we want mickey back! -MARVIN- i can tell you how to get him back, if your prepared to do what it takes. -JERRY- we'll do whatever it takes! -CHAD- yea! and maybe we can get that michael guy to help! _BACK FROM COMMERCIAL BREAK_ _SCENE- AT VIDEO STORE_ -MICHAEL- hi erin -ERIN-hey what are you doing here? -MICHAEL- returning city slickers 2, have you ever seen it? 3 thumbs way up! your feeling sorta down aren't yah? -ERIN- 3 thumbs way down, courtesy of my stupid boy friend. -MICHAEL-well then this treat is on me -ERIN- my favorite! -MICHAEL- I know -ERIN- really how? -MICHAEL- well when the gang goes out to get ice cream you always get chocolate, and for breakfast you always have rice crispies, so tada, nestles crunch. -ERIN- jerry never notices that kind of stuff. my favorite candy bar, my favorite movie. -MICHAEL- your favorite movie? that's easy its jerry maguire! -ERIN- no way! -MICHAEL- your quoting it all the time, you complete me, and show me all that money. -ERIN- I have seen that movie a gazillion times! -MICHAEL-I've never seen it once. -ERIN- REALLY? WELL, WE SHOULD RENT IT SOMETIME. -MICHAEL- (excited and happy) absolutely funtabulous! _SCENE- IN THE HOUSE, MICHAEL- READING CHICKEN SOUP THE GUYS COME IN AND PLAY HOCKEY_ -JERRY- huh! come on! -DOUG- come on, hit me! ha lets see! -MICHAEL- fellas, yah mind keeping it down? im reading about a young boy who gives a high five to an angel. -JERRY- its just this ball it is so noisy! -CHAD- i know why don't we use mickey's hip hop collection instead! -MICHAEL- my what! -QT- I got all his cds right here! ~HITS THE CDS~ -JERRY- You dont mind do you michael? -MICHAEL- oh no, not at all -CHAD- after all, hip hop was stolen from the white man. -DOUG- yea its really just a rip off on country western! -MICHAEL- pardon me but say what? -DOUG- well all the sampling millergrammer's do it, they were the ultimate posers! -JERRY- like michael here, a wannabe black dude, who's really just a white dude with a stick shoved up his ass! -MICHAEL- say it again bitch! -JERRY- come on mickey hit me! hit me hit hit me ...(at the same time the other four say : hit him hit him hit him hit him...) -MICHAEL- good day gentlemen, oh and jerry, maybe you should spend less time organizing mind games, and pay more attention to your girlfriend. -JERRY- what does that mean? -MICHAEL- her favorite candy bar...its nestle's crunch. -JERRY- i knew that, i knew that!!! _SCENE- MICKEY ON THE PORCH WITH HIS GUITAR FIGURING OUT A SONG_ -MICHAEL- i'm the kinda guy a girl takes home to momha- ha with pleated khaki pants, cologne thats the bomb(at the unplugged show) shake her dad's hand and look him in the eye and tell him straight up, "i'm just a regular guy" . (staring at erin) 'nd i'm a regular guy, who stays out of trouble a regular guy , says "m'aam on the double" i'm a regular guy just like "dawson's creek" a regular guy, just don't call me a geeek a geek yaahaa a regular guy (see's jerry walk in) i watch jay leno, 7th heaven too. and i ask myself sometimes, "what would jesus do?" (getting mad) i'm buds with my mom, and i hang out wiht my dad i play every thing safe, so i'll never be saaad (really really mad, because jerry is taking out tons of crunch bars for erin) damnit! sometimes i wanna! smash things uuppp!!! get jacked up! and whacked up! !! and hafta be in lockup! !! dammmnn! ugh! go to hell la all yall suck! (walks off the stage) -MARVIN- one day at a time my man, one day at a time! -MICKEY- get outta my face sell out! where my boys at ha- ha! -QT- mickey! awesome show man! -MICKEY- that's right dawg mickey parke and qt up in here! -DOUG- you were a total jerk, i love it! -MICKEY- you better love it whitey! -CHAD- oh man do we have a story for you, there was this guy named michael! -DOUG- come on! we're on next! -ERIN- mickey! -MICKEY- what? -ERIN- i just wanted to say great show and also thank you for listening to me (handing him a crunch bar and gives him a hug) your the best, well... second best. oh and also jerry's gunna watch jerry magurire with us tonight, get it jerry, jerry maguire, thats the main reason it's my favorite movie. -MICKEY- i aint watching no cuba gooding play no tom cruise butler, they're both posers! -ERIN- mickey, you'll never change! -MICKEY- you never know! -ERIN- well, thanx again (walks away) _MICKEY THROWS OUT CRUNCH BAR AND WALKS ON STAGE, GETS A BIG APPLAUSE, AND THEY ALL SING_ MICKEY- mmmmmmmm -ALL- 2222222ggeeetthheeerrr!!!