Nick stepped into his home, sighing tiredly. It felt like ages since he'd been home. Well, it had been two months. That was nothing like the time he usually spent away, he reasoned. He pulled his cases inside behind him, leaving them in the hallway and heading into his kitchen to greet his dogs, at least they were happy to see him, BJ must have been looking after them well.
"You're back early." A voice said behind him, causing him to jump violently.
"We had tail winds so the plane landed early." Nick replied, unsure what to say. "What are you doing here?" He demanded when he'd recovered from the shock of seeing Kevin standing in his kitchen when he'd thought the house would be empty. Not 'the' house. HIS house.
"I had a fight with Kris so I've been crashing here for a few days." Kevin replied. "You don't mind do you?"
"It's a little late to ask that now isn't it?" Nick replied.
"If you want me to leave, I can." Kevin responded. Nick sighed and shook his head. Him and Kevin in the same house was probably not a good idea, they always managed to rub each other up the wrong way.
"No, you can stay." Nick sighed defeatedly.
"I tried to call you, I could never get hold of you." Kevin informed him.
"Oh." Nick responded, he wasn't going to tell Kevin that he'd been avoiding his calls. He left the kitchen and headed for the stairs, grabbing his cases from the hall on his way past. "I'm going to take a shower and get some sleep." He called to Kevin, realising that there was no need to raise his voice since Kevin had followed him.
"Nick...." Kevin started softly.
"I don't want to talk about it." Nick replied, heading up the stairs.
Nick rubbed his hair roughly to remove all traces of the shampoo. Stupid Kevin! Who the hell did he think he was anyway? Turning up at Nick's house after the way he'd treated him. Last time Nick had seen him he'd been trying to throw him out of the band and now he wanted to stay with him. The guy was seriously fucked up. Even more fucked up than himself, Nick realised, which was quite pleasing in some bizarre way. He finished showering and made his way into the bedroom, dressing in some old sweats and a t-shirt. Normally he probably would have just walked round in his boxers but he doubted that Kevin would appreciate it. This sucked, he was finally home and he still had to live by somebody else's rules. Maybe he should just tell Kevin to get his ass back to Kristin. He made his way slowly down the stairs, hoping that there was something in to eat.
"There must be you idiot, if Kevin's been staying here." He said softly to himself. BJ must have known that Kevin was staying, he realised suddenly. He was going to kill her when he got hold of her. He walked into the kitchen, glad that Kevin had disappeared for the moment, opening the fridge and pulling a disgusted face at the crap that Kevin had in. Humus and rye bread. What the hell was rye bread? He decided to just make himself a sandwich with the normal white bread and some ham.
"Are you ok?" Kevin asked, as Nick was putting the butter back in the fridge.
"Will you stop doing that?!" Nick demanded, as his heart rate slowed back down from the shock. "Why can't you make noise when you're moving like normal people do?" Kevin just stared at him. "I'm fine."
"You're not acting like it." Kevin replied doubtfully.
"Oh, I'm sorry. And just how would you like me to act? I come home, to my own house, expecting to have some time to myself, and I find you, the last fucking person I expected to be here. Last time I saw you would rather have spit on me than speak to me." Nick sighed, deciding to shut up and took a bite out of his sandwich. "You were going to kick me out of the group, Kevin, how the hell am I supposed to act around you?"
"It would never have come to that." Kevin replied softly.
"So it was just a threat. To stop me doing what I'd wanted to do for so long?" Nick demanded, his anger rising and his appetite suddenly gone. In fact he felt rather sick. "Yeah, well fuck you. I called your bluff, you can kick me out if you want to because I don't even care anymore."
"Don't say that, you know it's a lie." Kevin argued. "You were being selfish, we just wanted to make you see sense."
"Selfish, I was being selfish?" Nick felt like he was going to cry. "We were on hiatus. What did you want me to do with my time, Kevin? You know I can't just sit round and do nothing, I can't. I've been working since I was 12 and I don't know anything else. You had Kristin to go home to, your family, your home. Brian had LeighAnne, and by the time I decided to record an album they were trying for a baby. AJ has Sarah and all he cares about is her and getting married, besides, I didn't see any of you threatening to throw him out of the group when he did his Johnny no name thing. And Howie has his businesses and his Lupus fund. What the hell was I supposed to do? Sit around and 'play with my boats' as you called it. I've wanted to do this for a long time and I figured that now was the best time since it wouldn't interfere with anything we were doing as a group. My mom's never home, she's always busy with Aaron, so it's not like I could just hang out with her and the kids, all my other friends have jobs and lives. I really need a life of my own, I can't keep living it through you guys. And I'm the one being selfish?"
"I'm sorry, Nick, I didn't know."
"No, you're not and yes you did." Nick snapped. "You knew that I was heading the same way as AJ and you would rather I let that happen than take control of my life and try to find myself. You have no idea how hard the last few months have been for me. I always look to you guys for support, I couldn't believe the way you all reacted. Howie was the only one who would talk to me, I had to find out through him that LeighAnne was pregnant. I just couldn't understand why you would treat me like that, you're supposed to be my brothers, it really hurt, I never thought you could do it to me. You especially. I thought Brian treating me that way would hurt the most but it didn't, it was you. I've always looked for your approval on everything, always thought that you knew best and always thought that you'd take care of me and have my back. Guess I was wrong there, huh? You know what, I don't need your approval, that's what I figured out these last few months. I'm a good person, I deserve to be treated better than the shit you guys dump on me. I get blamed for everything, but I'm not taking it anymore. If you don't want me in the group anymore then that's fine, I don't know if I could cope being around you, I don't want to leave but if that's what it takes for me to stay happy and sane then I will. I'm not going back to the way I was over Christmas, Kevin, I was a mess and you know it, I have been for years but not anymore. You were always telling me to take control of my life and now I've done it. I wasn't trying to ruin the Backstreet Boys. You know I love you guys, I love what we do, but this was something I needed to do for me. I didn't think it would cause any problems, if anything I thought it would be a good thing for the group because it would keep our profile up whilst we were taking a break. I don't understand why you all took it so badly." Nick sat down again, exhausted from his impassioned speech. He wiped his eyes as tears threatened to fall as he thought about all the pain that he'd been put through over the past few months by the people who he'd thought he'd always be able to rely upon. "AJ and Brian got in touch after a while, but you, nothing. It's been months Kevin and I haven't heard one word from you. What are you even doing here? Couldn't you have gone to Kentucky?"
"I wanted to see you." Kevin replied, sinking down to the floor so that he was more on a level with Nick.. "To apologise. I know it's probably too little too late and if anyone's to blame for the way things are in the group right now then it's me because I let things get this bad. I was scared Nick, we all were. That you were going to leave and go on without us. It's been hard for me too, Nick, I'm so used to calling up to see how you're doing or having you call me."
"You could have called any time you wanted, there was nothing stopping you."
"The way I treated you was stopping me."
"Why are you here, Kevin?" Nick asked again.
"I left Kristin." Kevin replied.
"Why?"
"Things just...aren't the same. We're not the same people we were."
"Why come here?" Nick asked, sitting down on the floor, next to Kevin.
"To be near you. To force myself to realise that things have to change but it isn't necessarily a bad thing. You've changed. Completely, you're barely anything like the little kid you were when I first met you, he's still in there somewhere but you've grown up. I need to too."
"You need to grow up?" Nick was confused. Kevin was more mature than any of them.
"I need to stop looking for approval from everywhere else. It's like you said, this was something you wanted to do and needed to do. You're a good person and you don't need anyone else's approval to make you believe that. I've spent my entire life trying to please everyone else. It's time I started living my life for me and do what I want to do." Kevin explained.
"And what do you want to do?" Nick asked.
"This." Kevin replied, putting a hand on the back of Nick's neck and pulling him closer gently until their lips met softly. Nick didn't pull away. When Kevin let go to look into Nick's eyes he registered the shock there. "I'm not going to say sorry." He told Nick.
"You don't have to." Nick replied.
"I've wanted to do that for so long." Kevin sighed, putting his head in his hands. He looked up to find Nick staring at him, a silent question in his eyes. "I couldn't. You were so young. Brian would kill me, not to mention what your parents would do. Then there was Kristin, I couldn't do that to her. And my family."
"How long?" Nick asked.
"Since you told me."
"Told you what?"
"That you were Bi." Kevin replied.
"That was years ago." Nick exclaimed, unable to keep the surprise out of his voice. He'd told the guys that he was bi when he was 17. "So, why now?"
"You said that this solo album was something that you needed to do to feel happy, to find yourself and feel whole." Kevin replied. "It was something you'd wanted for years. This is sort of the same thing."
"You left Kristin so that you could kiss me?" Nick tried to clarify what Kevin was saying. When Kevin nodded he had to stop himself from telling Kevin that he was insane. Kristin was the most perfect woman Nick had ever met, she was the only person who had ever matched up to Kevin's standards.
"Not just so that I could kiss you. I want you, Nick. All of you. I want to be with you." Kevin said, looking right in to Nick's eyes. "I understand if you don't feel the same way, I know it's a bombshell to drop on you." Kevin averted his eyes.
"I do want it." Nick replied softly, startling himself as much as Kevin. He hadn't thought about it for a long time but the part of him that longed for Kevin's approval suddenly felt whole and maybe this was what he'd actually been longing for. Not Kevin's approval, just Kevin.
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