Oprah - AJ on Battling Addiction

As a member of the chart-topping Backstreet Boys, AJ McLean had fame, fortune and success. But he had a secret life millions of his fans knew nothing about. Offstage, AJ was battling a deadly addiction to alcohol and cocaine. For the first time, AJ talks publicly about the secret life that nearly cost him his career and tested his friendships with fellow band members.

Oprah: How did this show up in your work?

AJ: Lack of responsibility, a lot of flaking on the guys ... Vocally my performance had gone straight down. I couldn't hang on stage as much. I was winded all the time...bags under my eyes...lack of sleep.

Oprah: Did they ever approach you about it?

AJ: I kept it a secret for a pretty good amount of time.

AJ McLean returned to one of his old drinking hangouts for the first time after rehab as our cameras followed.

"This is hands-down one of the first times I've been in this place sober ... When I used to come here, or go anywhere to drink, I would not drink socially. I would drink to get drunk. I needed to drink to feel normal…

"I drove drunk, tons of times, drove drunk. And I'm just lucky I didn't kill someone, myself, or get a DUI and ruin my whole career…

"I literally OD'ed twice. Not a lot of people know that. I hurt my family, I hurt my loved ones, I hurt my relationships, myself, I hurt my career."

Since hitting rock bottom, he has gone through rehab twice. His road to recovery, however, was not easy—he was sober for two years, and then relapsed. Today, he has been sober for one year.

AJ: When you work the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and you work the 12-step program, and you get a sponsor, and you do the things that you're supposed to do, and you get to a place where you know you are no better, no worse, than anyone else, is when you'll stay sober. I believe that. There is a saying that is, "We relax; we don't struggle. We're often surprised how the right answers come to us after we've tried this for a while." And it's true…the right answers will come to me about how to live my live sober every day.

Oprah: I think the AA philosophy is, "It's a day at a time? A moment at a time?"

AJ: One day at a time.

AJ's mother, Denise, took over as the Backstreet Boys' manager at one point in their career. She says her responsibilities to the group sometimes left her in denial that there was a problem with her son.

"At the time, I was in a position in my life where I was more focused on being a manager to the group and helping him with his career," Denise says. "I had lost my path a little bit on the Mom side. ...[Being a manager] became my life, so when he came to me in need, I'm thinking, 'Oh, it's just part of the lifestyle, he'll get over it.' He had been through phases, he's a kid, up and down, and I'm thinking it's just a phase and it can't be real. I definitely denied it."

The Backstreet Boys surprised their courageous, recovering friend with a visit on the show. Kevin Richardson recalled how difficult the days were when AJ was hitting rock bottom. "It got to a point where we couldn't stand the person he was becoming. He wasn't the same person. He wasn't Alex, he was "AJ the Rock Star." He wasn't the guy we knew and grew with, and I didn't want to be around him anymore. It had reached the point where he was totally unreliable. He was lying, he was not a good human being. ... I'm proud of him [today]. It's good to be able to look him in his eyes and see a person behind those eyes instead of some glaze."

Brian Littrell recalled a time when he and his band mates had to break into AJ's house to find him when he didn't show up for rehearsal. They could barely get him out of bed, and that, he says, is really when the intervention began. Brian now believes AJ's days of addiction are behind him, and he has a very bright future.

"We have so many things to live for and be thankful for," Brian says. "I know he knows that now, that's good for me. It's a closure for me. I know he's a man and he stands up for what he believes in and he can move forward."

Nick Carter says that he's always looked to AJ as an older brother and is inspired by his bravery. "Being 23 years old, the youngest in the group, I was able to look at him and see the things that he was going through," he says. "[I could] be the little brother in the group. I have to thank you for being as strong as you are, and being the person that you are, especially to come on this show and to tell everybody the things that mean that much to your heart. It really helped me out, and I'm sure it's going to help a lot of people out there too."

Howie Dorough has known AJ the longest of the Backstreet Boys. "I've seen AJ grow up and how he's always wanted to be accepted and loved by people," he says. "I think he's always been searching for himself...when success comes along, AJ chose a route to go that led him into substance abuse. I think that's where he found his acceptance for a while. I'm proud he was able to find out at a young age that was the wrong thing. He was able to take on in his early twenties what people in their thirties and forties are just coming to at this point. AJ took that step upon himself."

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