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Nothing else even matters. Not anymore. It's not fair. Me feeling this way. I can't help it though. He just thrust his way into my life and into my heart and now he just won't go away.
It's really hard, though. I see him every damned day. He's so close and so far away.
And I'm in hell. Pure hell.
I'm depressed. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't do anything right feeling this way, and knowing that he'll never return my feelings.
You'd never expect this of me. No, never me. I'm supposed to be perfect. But, I'm not.
I'm so far from what everyone perceives me to be. So fucking far from all that shit that comes with being a Backstreet Boy. And so far from being the me that everyone sees.
It's funny sometimes how the fans see me. I should really be flattered of being perfect in their eyes. But, somehow I'm not. I can't be perfect, and I can't be flattered by them thinking me perfect when all I want to do is just go far away and get out of this fucking bull shit show business that's not making me happy. And away from him, because he'll never love me.
No one will ever compare to him. I'm so far in love, that I could never fall out of it. Not with him.
And I watch him every day. When he's not looking. I just watch him. And think of him. I masterbate to thoughts of him while I'm in my bunk or in my hotel room or in the shower.
I'm so lonely it's not even funny. Sometimes I want to just kill myself and end all of this pain that's put me in a perpetual hell. A hell that I'll never be out of. Not as long as I'm alive.
I know you're thinking. Why do you feel this way if he doesn't return your feelings? Well, I can't answer that. I'll never be able to answer that. The heart wants what the heart wants. And it definately wants him.
My best friend doesn't even know. Any of it. I can't tell him, he'd freak. He doesn't think I could be gay. Or that I could even like who I like. But, I am and I do, I just can't tell anybody because of our image.
Fuck our image!
I just want to be with him. Just want him to love me the way I love him. Each day makes me fall a little more in love with him. His smile. His laugh. The way he moves. The way he has this way of making anything sound perverted. The way he pisses people off. His sense of style. His romantic side. His flair for being dramatic.
Everything he does is fucking perfect. He's the perfect Backstreet Boy. Not me. Never me. I wish people would just see me for who I am and not who the Backstreet Boy is.
I don't know how long I'm going to be able to take this. I may have to leave the group. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I want him. More than anything, I want him. I can't have him. I'll never have him.
It makes me sad sometimes. Knowing all that. Knowing there's no chance in hell that I'll ever be with him that way.
One day and I woke up and I knew I was in love with him. It wasn't a planned thing. You think I would plan feeling like shit over my feelings for him? Hell no. I don't like being tortured day in and day out.
Every time I see him with someone, I want to cry or scream or pull him away from them and make him see that it's me he should be with and no one else. I could treat him the way he deserves to be treated. Everyone he's been with has fucked him over in a different way, and he just doesn't see it. He never will.
But, that's how he is. He's too trusting. He just wants someone to love him. Someone to be with. He wants a family.
I can give him all that. I swear I can. And it's not fair that he won't give me that chance. Just one chance. That's all I want. That's all I'm asking for.
One God damned chance to make him the happiest he could ever be.
My cousin's always telling me to go get laid. I would, but he wouldn't have me. And I'm not going to go out and get some random guy. That isn't me.
They don't know I'm gay, so I couldn't do that anyway.
But, I just want him. Only him. I've never even ever been with anyone before. I've been in love with him so long, it doesn't matter anyway.
I want my first, my last, and my only times to be with him. He can have all of me. If he only would ask.
It's just not fair. I love him so much and he doesn't even know. He'll never know. I can never tell him. It would destroy the Backstreet Boys. It would destroy our friendship. If I can't be his lover, I'd rather be his friend. I have to have him in some way or I'll go crazy.
Sometimes he makes me crazy. Wanting him. Needing him. Loving him the way I do. It hurts. So much. Like a fire in my chest. More painful than anything I've ever experienced before.
I just want this to end somehow. I might have to leave the Backstreet Boys. Or something. I haven't figured out what I'm going to do yet, but when I do I'm sure it'll be big. Because, me doing something to jeopardize the Backstreet Boys is something that will rock the planet as we know it.
Especially when I have to come out of the closet. No one knows. I mean no one. I hate having to hide what I am from everyone, but I have to. I don't have any other choice.
I hate being me.
I hate being a Backstreet Boy. Sometimes.
I hate being the good one. The perfect one.
I just hate everything right now.
I wish I could just be another person, be a girl, then I could be with him. And everything would be perfect. And I would be happy.
I looked down at my journal and sighed. This was so hard for me to get out onto paper. Not to mention the fact that anyone could find it. I didn't use names, but still, it would be beyond bad if anyone found it and read it. Especially the being gay part.
Closing the notebook, I looked around to see if anyone was noticing me. No one did. They were all watching t.v.
Perfect. At least I wasn't going to be grilled for writing things down. They were all so nosey sometimes.
Especially that damned cousin of mine. Bastard thought everything was his business. Well, it wasn't and never would be. Especially not this. Not anything that had to do with me. Just sometimes I had to write it down, because I couldn't talk to anybody about it and it was about to eat me alive if I didn't get it out somehow.
He wasn't watching t.v. I just now noticed that. That was great. I wondered how long he'd been sitting there watching me write.
I sighed and fiddled with the pen in my hand. Maybe if I didn't look at him he wouldn't say anything.
"Whatcha writing?"
Damn, that didn't work. I shouldn't write with any of them in the same vicinity as me anymore.
I looked up and swallowed still playing with my pen. "Nothin', just writing in this notebook. Boring shit." I shrugged as if to make it plain to him that what I'd written wasn't all that important.
You know. The whole act indifferent and they won't become curious and ream you a new ass hole to know what you're hiding.
He looked at me skeptically, and then faster than I could react, he grabbed my notebook.
Shit. Shit. And more heaping piles of shit.
I stared at him, my mouth slack and open, as he opened the book and turned it to the last page I'd written on.
This was it. I was screwed. Beyond screwed. Damn, was I ever glad that I didn't write any names in that.
Oh God, but now he would know my little secret and he would know it was one of them that I loved. This just kept getting better and better by the minute.
I slumped against the sofa while he read my soul and waited for him to ask me what the fuck was wrong with me, and why was I gay and why hadn't I told anyone and-
"Who's this about?" He whispered softly as to not draw attention to the both of us.
My face flamed in embarassment and I shifted uncomfortably on the couch. "Uh...no one. Just thoughts." He was never going to buy that bold-faced lie.
He cocked an eyebrow and shut the book. He moved closer to me and stared at me pointedly. "C'mon, just tell me. You should've told us a long time ago. Keeping secrets is always hard. I know that all too well. Just let it out. It'll make you feel so much better." He handed me back my notebook and placed his hand on my knee.
I could feel his warmth through my sweatpants and I couldn't think of a word to say that wasn't going to dig me further into the hole I was already in. So, I just decided to lay it all out on the table. Truth was always better than lies anyway.
I moved away from him and slipped my notebook underneath the couch cushion. Turning toward the window, I took a deep breath and dove right in.
"I've felt this way a long time. I've known I was gay for about 5 years now. I didn't know how to tell any of you, that's why I never said anything. No one knows. Not even my parents. I couldn't tell them. They'd be so disappointed in me. You know how I was raised. Being gay isn't right. They would disown me. I just couldn't do that to myself or to them. I need them. I love them." Tears began to slide down my cheeks, but I couldn't stop with my confession now. I had to get it all out.
"Anyway. For months I've loved him. He just...I don't know, I just can't tell you what he means to me. He'll never ever feel the way I feel. Never in a million years." I looked over at him and noticed his eyes were bright with unshed tears.
Great, he pitied me. Just what I wanted.
I started to speak again when he silenced me with a wave of his hand. He cleared his throat and looked deep into my eyes, more effectively silencing me than that hand wave he'd just done.
"Look, I know exactly what you're going through. Hell, I've been going through the same fucking thing for the past 7 years. You're not alone, nor will you ever be. Just tell me who it is. You'll feel so much better. Hell, I'll tell you my story if you want."
His story? He felt the same as me? He was gay???
That was too much to hope for.
I looked at him with a frown on my face. I needed to know what he was going through. Needed to know everything.
He took my silence as a yes and he plodded on without my spoken affirmation.
"Well, when I joined the group, I knew I was gay. When I met all you guys, it was like...I'd met all my soulmates. But, one of you in particular caught my eye. I knew he couldn't be gay, but I still started to fall in love with him. I couldn't tell any of you guys I was gay either, my mom knows though. She was so supportive of me, and she even knows about my feelings about him and she doesn't even care. Anyway, I guess, I knew I was in love with him 3 years ago. He's just so beautiful and intelligent and giving, and kind and everything I'm not. He's a breath of fresh air. If I could I'd breathe him in, because that's how he makes me feel. Alive." He cleared his throat and looked around to make sure the others were still involved in the movie they were watching. Then he continued.
"I know you know how I feel. I just want you to know I'm here for you always. No matter what happens, I'll always be here for you. I just want you to know that." He moved quickly and sat down next to me, his eyes boring into mine. "You want to know who it is that I love? That I want more than anyone on this earth?" I nodded silently, too afraid to speak. I just knew it was one of the other guys, and not me. How could it be me?
He licked his lips and stared straight into my eyes. "It's you. It always has been. Always will be. And even though you don't feel the same, I'll always love you. I'll support you. I'll talk to you about the guy you love. I just need to be around you. Because I love you."
I thought I was going to be sick I felt so deliriously happy. I couldn't believe this was happening.
He loved me! He actually loved me!
I raised a trembling hand and pulled his hand into mine, lacing our fingers together. I stared at our entwined hands for a minute before raising my eyes to his warm, tear-filled ones.
"It's you, Aje. You're the one I dream about every night. Who holds my heart in your hands. I want you and no one else." A tear slipped out of the corner of his eye and travelled down his cheek.
"You don't know how long I've dreamed of hearing you say that. How often I wanted to just take you in my arms and kiss the living hell out of you. Make you see what I knew. Make you love me as I do. Brian, I need you more than life itself." He laughed a little through his tears and so did I.
"Aje, where do we go from here? I mean...we professed our undying love, I think, and now we know everything. All our dirty little secrets are laundered to one another, but...what happens next?" I was a little afraid of the answer as I sat there with his hand in mine, his thumb caressing the top of my hand softly, rhythmically.
"Anything we want it to, Bri. I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. I just know that I've always dreamed of having a soul mate and I found him. It's you." He brought my hand to his mouth and kissed each finger on my hand, his eyes never leaving mine as his mouth lingered on my skin.
I sucked in a sharp breath, looking quickly around to see if the others had noticed our little discussion.
Nick's eyes were now trained on us and his face was blank of any expression as he stared at me.
"AJ...Nick's staring at us..." I whispered fiercely, looking at him wildly.
AJ raised his head and looked over at Nick and winked at him. "I think he knows, Brian."
I looked back at Nick and he was grinning at me giving me and AJ the thumbs up sign. I breathed a sigh of relief and looked back into the smiling eyes of the man I loved.
"I love you, AJ." I said, pulling him close and putting my head on his shoulder, breathing in his familiar scent.
I felt him breathe around me. "I love you too, Brian." He rasped, his lips briefly touching my hair in a sweet little kiss.
As he rubbed my back with his hand, I felt eyes on us. I don't know how I knew we were being watched, I just did.
I lifted my eyes and Kevin, Howie and Nick were all staring at us.
"Uh..." I couldn't get a word out, and I pulled away from AJ.
"What's going on?" Kevin asked, his voice and face both devoid of any emotion.
That wasn't good. Not good at all. Kevin was the main one I was worried about. He was the one that always told us we were wrong and that we should do this and we should do that. I was so worried that he was going to kick me out of the family, that I didn't even feel AJ put his arm around my shoulder as if to protect me from Kevin.
"Kevin, me and Brian are in love. You can kiss my ass if you don't like it." Leave it to AJ to put it so eloquently. But, that was one of the many things I loved about him.
I bit back a grin as Kevin's eyebrows shot up nearly to his hairline. "It's about damned time. I thought I was going to have to lock you 2 in a room together until you saw you were made for each other." He put his arm around Nick and Nick grabbed a finger and started playing with it.
"What? Kevin?" I wasn't sure my eyes were seeing what they were seeing or my ears had heard what he'd said right.
"Oh, I know a little about what you're going through. Me and Nick have been together about a year now, and we've all seen how you and AJ look at each other. We knew it was only a matter of time before you both realised what we've known for years now." Kevin grinned as Nick snuggled up against him and laid his head on his shoulder.
They looked so comfy together. So in love.
This was a real kick in the ass. Something so completely unexpected.
"Wow. I don't know what to say." I really didn't. I was completely shell-shocked.
AJ pulled me closer. "I've known you 2 were together for awhile now, but I didn't see Brian how you did. I'm glad I found out. I'm glad he loves me like I love him. Now, I have to kiss my boyfriend." He pulled me closer into his embrace and his face lowered to mine.
Before our lips met I heard laughter vaguely in Kevin's, Nick's and Howie's direction. But, I didn't care. His lips were so soft and sweet and I was finally getting my wish.
AJ was mine and I was his.
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