Remember Me?

Remember me?
Feels like forever
Since the days
When we were friends

Sometimes I sit and think about us. I know we really shouldn’t because we parted ways almost three years ago but I can’t help myself.

It was all so perfect from the very beginning. We met and instantly there was a connection although at the time, it was completely innocent. Devoid of anything sexual or romantic but soon enough, that changed.

We both realized there was more to our friendship that met the eye. I mean, how many straight guy best friends do you know of that fell as sleep holding each other? Or how many do you know of that spent every waking minute together cuddling? Or that were extremely affectionate to each other, even in public? Not many, huh?

It didn’t take long for me to realize I was in love with him. I found myself wanting more from him. Even though we were around each other twenty-four hours a day, I needed more. I would catch myself staring at him or when we would cuddle I would spend hours running my fingers up and down his strong arms and sometimes even kissing where my fingertips traced. He wouldn’t say anything though. He would just let me.

It got to the point where I didn’t have to say anything at all and he’d know what I wanted. He knew I wanted to touch him and that’s when he would come close to me and let me yet again caress him. That’s when I first realized that I, Nickolas Gene Carter, was in love with the most wonderful man to ever walk earth, Brian Thomas Littrell.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

Don’t understand
All these changes
I’m still the same
No need to pretend

When Nick and I started dating, I couldn’t have been happier. I knew I felt something for him from the very second I saw him but I had a girlfriend and he was so young.

I, at first, believed he felt nothing for me but then it became obvious to me. He would formulate any excuse just to touch me. He would always remark on how soft my skin was or how good I smelled. I’m not a moron so it didn’t take much for me to figure it out. He felt the same way for me.

From there, we began to get amorously involved. It wasn’t like I asked him out or he asked me; it just happened. All of the sudden our “innocent” cuddling would end with a tender kiss and with time… more than that.

The rest of the guys knew about us and really didn’t have a problem with it, which made it so easy for Nick and I to be ourselves around the guys. They never complained about our blatant displays of love.

Where’d it go?
Do you know?
Maybe it just doesn’t matter

******

I know that it all sounds too perfect to be true and it turned out to be.

Soon enough she came along and everything changed. By she I mean his now wife.

Brian approached me one day and told me about what management had suggested to him. They had told him he should date a woman publicly to squander a few of the rumors that were spouting about us and what our real relationship was.

I asked him if he had anyone in mind and almost instantaneously I regretted asking it because his cheeks flushed, a smile appeared on his face. It was then I knew I was in trouble. It was then I realized he not only had someone in mind but also in heart.

I told him it was okay if he wanted to see her and excused myself with a smile on my face as to not show him how deeply he had just hurt me. He didn’t suspect I had a problem with it at all until…

******

‘Cause when I try to talk to you
I feel like I’m not getting through to you
Where did we go wrong?
It’s hard to be strong
When I talk…
When I talk to you

Nick approached me after a show one night and told me he had to speak with me. I said I had to meet Leigh back in the hotel so I had no time and that’s the first time I saw it in his eyes. I saw that fire burn brighter with hate. It frankly scared me.

He told me that what he had to tell me would take less than a minute so he could tell me right there and then. I stood and crossed my arms waiting for him to utter his words to me but never in a million years did I expect he would tell me what he did. I remember the words exactly.

He said, “I want… no need you to get away from me. We are over and done with. As of this very moment you have lost the person who loved you most in life in more ways than one. As of this moment I’d prefer if we were on a mere acquaintance level and nothing more. As of this moment, Nick, your boyfriend is dead and Nick, your best friend has left you. Goodbye.”

As soon as that last word was spoken the fire in his eyes died and he turned to walk away from me.

*****

There were times
In the beginning
When you were there
When I needed you most
We’d sit and talk
About the future>br> And laugh about us getting old

The words I told Brian were the hardest I’ve ever had to articulate in my life. To this day I am still amazed I got them all out without a single tear being shed. When I got to my bus though, it was a different story.

I had warned AJ I was going to do this before I did it so he was waiting for me in my bus that night and for that I will be eternally grateful. I don’t think I could have made it through the following months if it wasn’t for AJ. He was my strength through it all.

I could barely function properly at rehearsals or studio sessions and Kevin would always come down on me for it but AJ always stood up and defended me.

I was expecting that because I was the one to break things off, it wouldn’t hurt too badly but I was way wrong. What hurt the most though was the fact that Brian seemed wounded by it at all. He seemed like regular old Brian. Granted, he was a bit more serious but I just chalked it up to maturity. He even began bringing her on tour with us. She would come to the rehearsals and the studio, the press conferences, the photo shoots and everything else we were involved in.

Sometimes I think he did it on purpose to rub it in my face that I meant nothing to him.

Do you know how it feels?
Hope that you know
That it matters

*****

I know Nick probably thought I wasn’t hurt by his words because I never let on to any pain and I had Leigh with me at all times but the truth of the matter is, I had to have her with me or I would have broken. Having her with me meant that I was forced to compose myself and I couldn’t break down.

The truth is those words hurt me more than anything. I was on the verge of a major heart surgery and needed all the support I could get but instead I lost the person who meant most to me in this world. He was my all.

I don’t blame him for leaving me at all. If I was he, I would have left me too but not even that fact eased the pain I had to go through when awoke in that hospital bed and saw everyone around me. I saw everyone but Nick. He wasn’t there.

‘Cause when I try to talk to you
I feel like I’m not getting through to you
Where did we go wrong?
It’s hard to be strong
When I talk…
When I talk to you

*****

The time Brian underwent his heart surgery was the most painful for me because I knew I should have been there but I wasn’t. I was selfish. I didn’t want to see him so I wouldn’t get hurt but I didn’t stop to think if it would hurt him to not see me there.

I want you to know
Everything that I am
Don’t want to know what life would be without you

*****

I guess there’s nothing to be done about all this now. I’m married and the “not friends and definitely not lovers” thing Nick set up is still very much in effect. We barely speak to each other. Only a few words and most of those words are because the cameras are on.

‘Cause when I try to talk to you
I feel like I’m not getting through to you
Where did we go wrong?
It’s hard to be strong
When I talk…
When I talk to you

*****

Nick stood by the keyboards on the stage debating whether to play a song he had been working on and AJ had helped him learn how to play it on the keyboards.

Just then Brian walked onstage but stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Nick deep in thought in front of the keyboards. He stood in silence just admiring from afar. It was seldom he had a chance to stare because Nick considered being around Brian the same as being around poisonous snakes.

Brian got lost in his thoughts and only regained knowledge of his surroundings when he heard Nick put on his headset microphone and begin to play the keys.

Nick closed his eyes and let the words pour out of his lips.

“To just act like
We never were
To come around
And not show hurt
How dare me we greet
By shaking hands
Just once ago
I was your man

We can’t be friends
We can’t be friends
We can’t be friends
‘Cause I’m still in love with you

I tried to think of you
As just another love
In my past
That didn’t last
But it’s not that simple baby

“We can’t be friends
We can’t be friends
We can’t be friends
‘Cause I’m still in love with you

You may see me staring
Or catch me in a daze
May see me hang my head
When you come my way
Don’t get too close to me
And expect me to behave
I might just steal a kiss
If you come near my face
What I’m trying to say is

“We can’t be friends
We can’t be friends
We can’t be friends
‘Cause I’m still in love with you

Can you look me in the eyes
And honestly say you don’t love me?
I’ll never ever find another love like you
I love you too much
I love you too much baby

We can’t be friends
I’m still in love with you.”

Nick sang the last few lines with tears running down his beautiful face as Brian watched.

Brian stood right behind Nick with tears in his eyes as well. Nick felt a presence behind him and the next thing he knew, a pair of familiar arms wrapped around his waist.

THE END