God, I hated him. I hated his stupid hair, his stupid voice, his stupid smile. I hated the sexy little sounds he made when that slut Britney fucked him. I hated everything about him. I even hated the way he breathed. But yet this was the man I was hopelessly and endlessly in love with.
It all started last year. Justin was my band mate, my brother, my best friend. We were inseparable. I loved him but strictly in a platonic way. Sure, he pissed me off sometimes but hey, that’s what brothers do, right? Then the smallest things started to tick me off. Like the way he always drank straight from the milk carton and then left it on the counter to sour. And the way he sang the stupidest songs in the shower. And how when I wanted to watch TV he was always there, watching MY shows. For some reason all these things really pissed me off, even though all of the guys did them. Hell, I even sang in the shower. But for some reason, everything Justin did pissed me off.
Soon my dislike for him became very apparent. It was hurting the way we performed. So the guys decided that we needed to have a group meeting.
“JC, is there anything the matter?” This came from Lance.
“Of course not, why?” I lied.
“It’s just that we’ve noticed a little…tension between you and Justin.”
“Why, whatever do you mean?” This I said a tad bit sarcastically.
“JC, come on, don’t screw around. We know something is wrong.” Chris spat out. Apparently that was too sarcastic for Chris’s taste.
“Guys, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Okay, JC, quit fucking around. It’s obvious that there’s some problem between you and Justin and we need to know what it is.”
“Well, have you asked Justin about it?”
“Actually, yeah, we have. He’s just as confused as we are. Now will you please just tell us what’s the matter?”
“I already told you! Nothing’s wrong!”
“God, JC, yes there is. I’ve seen the way you look at me. It’s like the sight of me repulses you. And that hurts. A lot. More than you know. Tell me what I’m doing wrong. I miss you…” Justin was barely able to finish his sentence before he broke into shaky sobs. I should have felt really bad about making him cry but I didn’t. If I were a really cruel person I would probably have laughed. But instead of this making me feel like a horribly shitty person, or even making me feel delighted, I felt nothing.
There are times, when something so horrible happens, that everything seems to disappear. Nothing seems to matter and nothing can make you feel anything. I am so far past emotion that I don’t even remember what it feels like to be happy or sad. The only emotion I feel is hate. The funny this is, I don’t know what horrible thing happened to make me feel this way so there’s no way I can fix it.
“Don’t you even care how Justin feels? You’re hurting him for Christ’s sake! And you don’t even care! You’re hurting him, you’re hurting us, you’re hurting yourself, you’re hurting our performance. God! The list goes on and on! You’re even hurting the fans. Even they can see that something’s wrong.” Chris paced back and forth, gesticulating wildly before he sat back down with his head in his hands.
“I’m sorry guys. I don’t know what’s the matter. I knew that I was hurting the group but I didn’t know how much. I’ll try to get better. I guess it’s just that we’ve been so busy and I’ve been getting even less sleep than usual. I had to take it out on someone and I guess that someone is Justin. I’m sorry man.”
All the guys came over and enclosed me in their arms. For the moment I felt secure, even happy. But for how long?
The next morning I woke up to the sound of Justin’s voice singing in the shower. Argh! The sound was still as infuriating as ever. But this morning I made up my mind. Under no circumstances did I want this to get in the way of the group’s success. I loved the guys and our fans way too much to jeopardize that.
So life went back to its normal monotony. Or so it seemed to. Inside I still boiled with hatred every time I saw Justin. I think I fooled everyone, the fans, the guys, the media, except the one person I really needed to trick – Justin. I could tell by the way he looked at me that he knew that I still hated him. I could also tell that it was killing him inside.
Sometimes I wondered where my intense dislike for Justin came from. Just a short while ago he had been my best friend in the world, closer to me than any brother. He hadn’t changed any; had I? Maybe that was the problem. I had changed and he hadn’t. This thought nagged at me, a never-ending source of worry. Had I changed that much? Was there something wrong with me?
But as the months flew by a new feeling came over me. Sometimes I would catch myself staring at Justin. I would look at every inch of his face, studying it, memorizing every line and blemish. Then other times I’d catch myself daydreaming about him or doodling his name. For weeks I couldn’t figure out what I was feeling. Then one night as I was lying in my bunk on the tour bus listening to Justin’s light breathing in the bunk above mine, it hit me. I was in love with him. I, JC Chasez, was in love with Justin Timberlake, the man I despised more than anything in this world.
But how could this be? I hated Justin. I mean, I really despised the boy… didn’t I? Maybe I had just persuaded myself into thinking I hated him just so that I wouldn’t believe that I was in love with him. I managed to convince myself that it wasn’t true. I wasn’t in love with him. It was just something I ate. But every morning when I woke up and stared into that beautiful, angelic face, I knew that I was in deep.
“Me, Lance, and Joey are going clubbing. You guys wanna come? JC? Justin?” Chris asked.
“Naw,” I replied. “I might just catch up on some reading.”
“Justin?”
“I don’t think so guys. I’m kinda tired.”
“Okay. Well, see y’all later.” They left and Justin went back to his room. A couple of hours later I heard a soft knock on my door. I knew it was Justin.
“Hi,” Justin said, entering the room and shutting the door quietly.
“Hi.” I replied. “You hear for any special reason?”
“Not really. I… I just wanted to chill.”
“Okay.” He was silent for a while.
“JC, why do you hate me?” Justin broke the silence.
“I don’t hate you.”
“Yes you do.”
“No I don’t.”
“Then why do you look at me like that?”
“Like what?” I said defensively. I wondered if he’d caught me staring at him.
“Like you can’t stand the sight of me.” Justin said quietly.
“I don’t look at you like that.”
“Yeah you do.” I was silent in reply.
“Aren’t you even going to say anything?” he demanded.
“What’s there to say?”
“I dunno. Tell me anything. Tell me that it’s okay, that it’s not my fault, that things will go back to the way they used to be. Tell me you love me. God, JC, don’t you even know what I’m saying?” I shook my head. “JC, I love you! I am head over heels in love with you! I’ve been in love with you since the first time I met you!” I sat there, shocked beyond comprehension. “Aren’t you even going to say anything? Don’t you even care?”
“Oh. My. God.” That was all I could say. I just sat there staring at him with big scared eyes.
“JC? Are you even listening to me? JC!” There were so many things I wanted to tell him but I couldn’t say anything. I wanted to say how in love with him I was, how every night he was the only thing I dreamed and fantasized about, how much I wanted him. But nothing came out.
“You know what JC? Fuck you! I don’t need your shit!” And with that he walked out of my room, slamming it with a bang and leaving me sitting on the bed with my mouth hanging open. After a while I realized what he had said and what I hadn’t said. Tears began to stream down my face, the first real show of emotion I’d had in months. When the rest of the guys came back from the club I went to Lance’s room.
I knocked. “Lance, can I come in?”
“Yeah,” he said.
I quickly filled him in on what I had been feeling these past few months and what had happened earlier this night.
Lance sighed. “It sounds like you’re in love with him.”
“I know! But how can I love him and hate him at the same time?” I cried, frustrated.
“I don’t think you actually hate him, you just think you do.”
“But sometimes he makes me so mad I could scream and tear his hair out!”
“So? That doesn’t mean that you hate him! And even if you do hate him, that’s okay because you can’t have love without hate.”
“Huh? Lance, I’m confused.”
“Love isn’t always about happy feelings. Love is about passion, yearning, rapture, lust, rage, even hate! Love makes you feel something, no matter what the emotion.”
“Lance, you make a lot of sense. Thanks man!” I left the room intent on finding Justin.
I burst into his room, eager to tell him my feelings. Then I stopped, shocked. Justin was naked in bed, fucking some other man. A rage and sadness greater than anything I had ever felt filled me.
“JC, wait! It’s not what you think!” Justin slid out of bed and pulled on a pair of pants.
“Then what the fuck is it?” I snarled. I wanted to kill him, beat the living hell out of his hot little body. Instead, I ran. I sped up as I heard Justin’s footsteps begin to pound behind me. I ran out of the hotel and into the street. Suddenly I heard a screeching of tires and felt excruciating pain. Then I blacked out. When I came to, I heard someone sobbing over me.
“JC, God, JC what have I done?” I opened my eyes.
“Justin?”
“Oh my God, JC you’re alive! I thought I’d killed you!” He wrapped me in a fierce hug.
“Ow, ow! Justin I hurt all over. What happened? All I remember is running out of your room and into the street.”
“JC, a car hit you.” He broke down crying again.
“Justin, I think I’m dying.”
“NO! JC, do NOT say that! You’re going to be okay. You HAVE to be okay!”
“Justin, listen to me. I love you. I love you more than anything on this earth. I didn’t know it until I talked to Lance. Justin, every day I used to toe the line between love and hate. I thought I hated you! Sometimes you would piss me off SO much. But then I discovered that I love you! Lance told me that love makes you feel things--rapture, lust, rage. I realized that you make me feel every emotion there is. Justin, I love you more than life itself. And if die, I want you to know that no matter what, I will always love you. ALWAYS, Justin. Always.” My voice began to falter as a siren wailed in the distance.
“JC, I love you too.”
“I know, Justin. I know.” Justin bent down to kiss me, and the moment his lips touched mine, all of my fear and pain disappeared.
“Justin, I’m scared.”
“I know, JC, I’m scared too. But it’s going to be okay.”
“Justin?”
“Yes?”
“Will you love me forever? Even if I die?”
Justin looked at me with tears glistening in his eyes. “Yes, JC, I’ll love you forever. But you’re not going to die; everything is going to be fine. You and I are going to grow old together. Everything is going to be fine.” He bent down to kiss me again and I was swept away to a world where there was no pain or fear and everything was going to be fine.
As the kiss deepened, and I lost myself in Justin, I no longer toed the line between love and hate, but boldly stepped into the field of love, leaving my world of hate behind.