"Alanna you need to tell me what's wrong, that's the only way I can help you," Ashlyn said as Alanna continued to cry on her shoulder.
"I can't"
"Alanna you can tell me anything."
"Not this. I'm so ashamed."
"I'm not going to think of you any differently if that's what you're worried about."
"It's a long story."
"I'm not going anywhere."
"Ashlyn you don't wanna know."
She rolled her eyes. "Oh don't even go there. You know how nosy I am. Now spill."
"I slept with JC," she blurted out.
"YOU WHAT?" Ashlyn stared at her with wide eyes.
Alanna closed her eyes trying to prevent the tears from starting again. "I'm so stupid."
"Wait a minute when did this happen? HOW?" Alanna opened her eyes and looked at Ashlyn. "Okay I know HOW but when did this happen and why didn't you tell me about it sooner?"
She walked over to one of the beds and sat down with an exasperated sigh. "When we were in Florida. He called to check on how I was and ended up inviting me over. It just happened Ashlyn, can we leave it at that?"
She looked at Alanna sitting on the bed, eyes read from crying. She noticed the tiredness that could only have come from sleepless nights and worry. "No way. You are going to explain everything to me. I am not going to stand by and see you like this. You haven't been acting right since we left Florida and up until now I've tried to ignore it but now you've dropped the bombshell on me you can't expect me to sit back and watch you like this. Why are you so upset?"
Alanna placed her face in her hands. Her shoulders shook as she sobbed. Ashlyn knelt down on the floor in front of her. "Hey what's wrong? Please tell me, I hate to see you like this."
"He left."
"What do you mean?"
"I woke up and he was leaving. He said he was sorry and then he left. He ran out on me Ash."
Ashlyn held her, trying to provide some sort of comfort. "I'm sorry Alanna, I'm so sorry."
She sniffed and wiped away some of the tears. "It's not your fault. I shouldn't have been so stupid. What was I thinking? I barely knew him."
"You liked him though," Ashlyn reasoned. "And I know you, you wouldn't have done anything unless it felt right. The outcome wasn't your fault."
"Tonight...tonight he wanted to talk about it. He told me I got too close." She laughed bitterly. "Apparently I felt so good in his arms that he needed to walk out on me after what we shared."
Ashlyn cursed under her breath. "Want me to go kill him for you?"
Alanna laughed weakly. "No, I think Nathan was enough for him tonight."
"Wait a minute. Nathan did that to JC? How did Nathan know and I didn't?"
"No, no. God everything is so confusing. Okay I'll try my best to explain. Nathan turned up at the club tonight. I thought I'd got rid of him and I was heading back to my room when he cornered me in the hallway. He'd had a lot to drink and I've never seen him act like he did. He scared me back there. He had me pinned down on the floor and the next thing I know JC is pulling him off me."
"What happened?" Ashlyn's curiosity had been peaked.
"They threw punches until this guy turned up and broke it up."
"So JC was defending you?"
"I guess...I don't know, what else was he gonna do? Watch Nathan attack me? It doesn't mean anything."
"I wish I could've been there to see JC pound Nathan's face," Ashlyn smiled.
"It wasn't funny Ashlyn."
"I don't know what to say."
"You don't need to say anything. I just want to forget about it.”
~*~
Justin pushed JC back into the open doorway behind him, looking around he figured it was Alanna's room.
"Did she do that to you?"
"What?"
"That ugly cut you have on your face. Management is gonna freak!"
"Management can mind their own business and no Alanna didn't do this."
"Then who the hell did?" Justin exclaimed.
"Nathan."
"Nathan? That guy that turned up before the show today?"
"Yeah. He had her pinned down and I stepped in."
"He WHAT? How the hell did he get in? So that's what Alanna is so upset about."
"Well not exactly," JC muttered.
"What?"
"Nothing."
"JC you've been acting really strange lately. What's going on? It's got something to do with Alanna right?"
JC sighed. "Justin just leave it."
"No. Ya know I'll just find out from Ashlyn and wouldn't you rather I find out from you and hear your side rather than hear it second hand?" Justin smiled.
JC groaned. "Justin!"
"Come on, I won't tell anyone."
"She'd kill me if she knew I'd told you.” He looked up and Justin raised his eyebrows in question. He shook his head. “What the hell, it's not like I'm in her good books anyway. You've just got to promise to keep your mouth shut. Don't tell ANYONE," he warned.
"Promise."
"Justin I mean it," JC said seriously.
He frowned. "Is it really that bad?"
"I walked out on her," he sighed.
Justin scrunched his face up in confusion. "What? JC you're confusing the hell out of me here."
JC rubbed a hand over his face. "When we were at home she came over one day. Things kinda got...erm hot and heavy I guess you could say."
Justin gasped. "You had sex with her!"
JC sighed. "Yeah...yeah I did."
"I still don't get it. Why is she upset? Does she regret it or something?"
"I'm beginning to think she regrets ever meeting me."
"JC!" Justin cried.
"What?"
"Why is she upset?"
"I walked out on her, she woke up as I was leaving," JC finally admitted.
"You did what? Why the hell did you do that?" Justin screamed.
He shrugged slightly. "I don't know, it was just too much."
"So what you're telling me is you needed some and she was there, and then you woke up and didn't want to face the consequences?"
"NO!" JC shouted. "It wasn't like that, she wasn't just a bit of fun."
Justin shook his head. "I've got a feeling that is the way she's feeling right now. JC, Alanna doesn't seem like the kind of girl to be throwing herself at just any guy that comes along."
"She's not," JC defended.
"Then why did you treat her like a one night stand? You're not like that but that's the way you've made it seem to her going by what you've told me."
JC groaned in frustration. "Justin you don't understand."
He rolled his eyes. "Oh don't even start on the age thing. I'm not that young anymore. Make me understand."
JC searched for the words to explain but they just weren't coming to him. "It just wouldn't have worked."
"Damn it JC you've go to move on from Taylor. She was a world class bitch, don't deny it, and Alanna is nothing like her. Don't even try to compare them."
"Just say what you think why don't you,” he muttered sarcastically.
"Well someone has to cos obviously SOMEONE isn't showing their real feelings around here. I'm going back to my room now. I'll leave you to think about how you are going to apologise to Alanna for making her feel like a cheap slut!"
JC watched as Justin left, closing the door behind him. "What am I going to do?" he said to himself.
Looking around the room he realised he should be going. Alanna wouldn't want him there when she came back.
He stood up and made his way towards the door. Stumbling on something he bent down to pick it up. It was the book Alanna had thrown at him earlier. He sat down and remembered her words.
"No don't touch me. You can't do this to me...”
“I thought you were special JC. You left me…”
“Do you think that little of me?”
“You call love a trap?”
“You DID have me JC."
He opened the book up, not really paying too much attention until he saw the writing. It was obviously a young persons handwriting, bold and without the definition of an adults. Looking at the top of the page he saw the words "Dear Diary". At that point he knew he should have put it aside and left the room. Was there a reason she threw it at him though? Was it just the first thing she'd come across or had she wanted him to know her feelings? JC decided that he would put it down to that. Really he knew that he couldn't walk out of the room without knowing how she really felt
He skipped through the first part of the diary. As much as he would have liked to have known about her childhood, what really mattered was what had happened since he met her. Most of the pages were dated. He saw his name. The last time she had written an entry before that was 1998.
He started reading. Certain points stuck out more than others did.
Tonight was possibly the worst night of my life.
It obviously didn't mean anything to JC.
He just walked out and drove away. I sat in his room for a while hoping he'd have a change of heart and come back. He didn't...
I feel used...I feel dirty...
I even felt like a slut at one point because of how fast everything happened. I know it's not my fault though. I just followed my heart, something people have been telling me to do for years.
I feel empty...
When will this end? When will the hurt go away?
Why am I punishing myself?
Every time I see him I have a simultaneous urge to wring his neck and kiss him senseless.
Why do I want to be back in his arms? See I just keep going back to that. After everything he's done to me I still want him.
The reality of what he'd put her through finally dawned on him. He'd been worried about being hurt himself when all along he'd been doing exactly that to her. All this time she'd been so strong in front of him, until that night. Now reading her most private thoughts he knew what she'd really been going through. He felt ashamed of himself. Knowing that she had waited for him to come back broke his heart. He'd left her alone while he drove around for hours, no destination in mind. When he'd come back she had already left. He really hadn't expected her to still be there but there was that little bit of hope left inside him that she would be there still.
He had just looked at his bed, still unmade. The memory of her lying there as he left and of what had happened in that bed was still fresh in his mind. He had gone straight to the guestroom and slept there for the rest of the day. The next day he had dragged himself out of bed and had stripped the sheets off his own bed and washed them. He knew the scent of her perfume still lingered on them and that was just a reminder of what he had done. Even then he had known he was wrong, now the reality was all the more clearer to him.
After what Taylor had done to him he hated himself for putting someone else through that.
He placed the diary on her bed and went to his own room. He didn't even bother changing, he just went straight to bed and got under the covers after kicking his shoes off. His lip trembled as he fought the tears. JC wasn't someone who cried easily. The pressures of touring and being away from family often made them tearful but he had not been reduced to tears in this way for a long time. The fact that he had hurt another person in that way tore at his heart and conscience though. What he could have had with her if he hadn't have been so scared played on his mind. She was better off without him. She had been wrong about one thing in her diary though...
He isn't crying himself to sleep.
Chapter 22
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