"Does anyone have any questions about the next assignment? If not then we will continue this discussion tomorrow and I am excited to see the new prints that all of you have taken for the black and white photo project."
Lauren carefully and slowly slid out of the chair, stood up, and stretched her back. It had been a really long weekend and she had had an even longer day. She was working on a lack of sleep, a tired body, and a hurting heart. This time tomorrow the people closest to her would be boarding a plane to leave for Europe and she was going to be left behind to hold down the fort while they were gone. In all actuality she would have rather been holding down the fort by cell phone from Europe but there was no way she could miss a month of school and traveling all the way over there just to lend moral support wasn't worth it.
She wanted to lend support to herself by having them near was what she wanted.
Her backpack seemed heavier than normal as she slung it over her shoulder and put her other arm through the loop with a tired groan. Through a three hour class she had almost fallen asleep twice and that was beyond unacceptable in her opinion, much less in the opinion of Professor Buck who had given her dirty looks every time she had been startled back into consciousness.
It was so hard to sit there and concentrate on the material when all she could think about was the fact that they were all leaving and for almost a month they would be nothing more than a few voices over the phone lines. It was all part of their job and their music so it was nothing personal like someone leaving her by choice, but she still felt like she was being deserted and suddenly school felt like a huge weight around her neck that held her back from what she REALLY wanted.
"Are you ok Lauren?"
She covered her mouth when she yawned deeply and nodded to Mary Beth. "Yeah I'm fine. I didn't get a lot of sleep the past few days and it's catching up with me."
Mary Beth stepped up beside her as Lauren made her way towards the door but the professor's voice stopped them. "Miss Owsley, I hope you had fun on your trip this weekend but remind me not to do you anymore favors because sleeping and daydreaming through my class isn't a way to impress me."
This was adding to her already wonderful day. "I'm really sorry about that. It won't happen again."
"How is California this time of year? Did the weather cooperate with you and your friend?"
Lauren yawned again and nodded. "The weather was really nice. See you tomorrow."
She walked out into the hallway and had almost forgotten Mary Beth, but the girl walked up beside her again and bounced along as they walked. "You went to California this weekend? I was wondering where you were Thursday and Friday but I thought that you were probably sick. Why did you go to California?"
"I um…went on a trip with some friends. You know, hit the slopes and checked out the scenery. Nothing big."
"That's totally awesome! Did you see any fine guys there?"
That made her smile brighter than she had all day. "I saw a couple."
"I wish I could just pack up my stuff one weekend and travel over to California. Especially this past weekend because I was watching MTV and I saw Snowed In with N SYNC on it. Oh my that would have been so much fun to go over there when they were there and…and…oh I'm getting giddy and excited just thinking about it here. Oh my GOD did you see them?"
Lauren rubbed her forehead to ease some of the pressure building there. It didn't work. "You really like N SYNC don't you?"
Mary Beth's jaw practically hit the sidewalk. "Are you kidding me? I mean yeah I think they're cute and all but their music is just…just…I can't even think of a way to describe it."
"You're this wild over the voices belonging to five guys you don't even think are all that cute?"
She shrugged and slid over to avoid being hit by a guy on a bike. "My life has been changed so much by their music and one day I'm going to be face to face with each one of them and I'm going to explain how much they have impacted me. I don't care if they don't want to listen to what I have to say but I'm going to do it. They are definitely not hard on the eyes but I'm not a crazy fan or anything. What about you?"
She was beginning to wonder if she really WAS going crazy because there wasn't a person on the earth who was a bigger fan of those guys than she was. At the same time she could totally understand this girl's obsession with them because for the last few days all she could seem to think about were them as well. She wasn't buying the "I love their music and not their hot bodies" routine Mary Beth was dishing out because she had heard that so many times before from girls who eventually attacked them later on, but she did have to give her credit for trying. On any other day she would have shrugged it off and moved on but today she was tired, she had a headache, and she felt like throwing up. Today was not a good day to be prying into her life.
She took a deep breath and the words flew out of her mouth in one big burst. "I like them a lot and I'm very proud of their success because they deserve it, but I'm not going to go wild about them or let them interrupt my thoughts and feelings while they're away because I have a life here too and I'm not dependent on any one of them at all. Do you know what I mean? No of course you don't know what I mean, but trust me when I say that I have a perfectly healthy relationship with that group going on and I'm going to survive the next month and bust my ass in my classes so I can get through it and everything will return to normal." Her eyes widened when she realized what she had just done and she walked faster to get away from Mary Beth because never had she rambled on like that and that's exactly what that had been. In one LONG breath she had babbled out every concern she was trying to convince herself of and along the way she had completely confused Mary Beth who she could tell was trying to figure out what the hell she had just said.
"I'm sorry for rambling aimlessly just now. I'm tired and I'm stressed but…but…oh just ignore me. I have no idea what the hell I'm saying. There's my ride so have a nice rest of the day."
She wanted to dig herself a hole and crawl inside of it but hiding from everything would only delay the problem. She quickly walked over to the familiar black jeep waiting for her and hopped inside. "Thank God you're here Jayce."
"That's what big brothers are for, but I'll be glad when my car gets out of the shop so I can stop driving this thing. No offense sis but it hurts my image to be driving your car. Especially when it smells like raspberries. Real men don't drive cars that smell like fruit." He saw that she didn't smile and that worried him. "What's wrong and why the long face?"
She buckled her seatbelt and leaned her head against the back of the seat when he started driving. "Nothing is wrong."
"Nothing? Lauren I've known you since you were born and I think that makes me the authority on 'what in the world could be bothering my sister'. I've seen just about every emotion and have seen about every expression on that face of yours, except for a few that a brother shouldn't see and that a sister shouldn't experience until she's married…riiiiiiiiight? I think it's safe to say that you're upset and you're pissed off about something. Spill it."
"I swear that God hates me. He absolutely hates me because it seems like he made sure that every man in my life has known me forever and then they think that it gives them the right and the knowledge to read me. Now YOU?"
When they stopped at a red light he turned in the seat to look over at her. "Oh yeah you're definitely pissed. You've also been REALLY quiet since you came back from California and that makes me wonder what went down over there. Did you and Justin get into a fight? If you did…is he still breathing?"
She turned to the window and winced at the bright sunlight. It made her head hurt even worse if that was possible. "I didn't get into a fight with Justin but I did get into it with that rat bastard Tom who is their public relations director. You would think that a man with that kind of degree and with the job of helping the guys appear good in the public eye would have some kind of a personality of his own. Oh no…not this time."
The light changed and the car started moving again. "Lauren you can't fight every battle that comes your way. You've always been headstrong, stubborn, and you've always had a huge rebellious and violent streak wherever Justin was concerned. If he was ever in any kind of danger then you would run to the rescue and if you were the one in trouble then Justin would come running in to save you. Sometimes you've got to prioritize things and you have to see that some battles are better left alone. You can't go against Jive no matter how much you might want to because these people are WAY out of your league. You're going to get hurt one day trying to protect him and I just pray that you can handle whatever it is that you get yourself into."
She shrugged and closed her eyes.
"Is that all you're upset about? Some guy with an ego in California?"
Her head lolled over on the seat so she could see him. He was right. It was a lot more than the things that happened with Tom. She couldn't get Justin out of her mind no matter how hard she tried. That wasn't normal for her and it certainly wasn't normal that she kept imagining him as the attractive and caring man that she saw now instead of the friend she had always thought of him before.
"It's more than just a bastard with an ego. I…I…I don't know how to explain it. Just forget it PLEASE Jayce? I don't know how to explain it to myself much less put it out in words for you to hear and understand. It has been a really long day and I want to go home and go to bed."
"I hate to break the news but you can't go home and go to sleep for very long because Aunt Lynn called and you're expected to be over at her house tonight at five for a dinner party she's throwing for Justin."
She pulled her knees up to her chest and hugged her legs tightly. "Oh that's just great. Absolutely freakin' fantastic!"
He had seen that look before. In fact, he had seen that look and had heard that tone out of her every time that Justin had to leave for an extended period of time. He grinned and reached over to squeeze her arm. "He's going to come back Lauren. He always does and when he returns you two are both always closer than you were before he left."
She could feel her eyes burning all of a sudden. "You would think that I'd be used to this by now."
"Used to him leaving?"
Slowly her head moved up and down on her legs. "Yeah. You would think that at our age and at our level of friendship that this would be so much easier now…but it's not. I hate watching him walk away and get on that plane or get inside that bus or load up in a van. I hate knowing that he's leaving me…us behind."
"It's never going to be easy to see a friend or a loved one leave but Lauren you're just going to have to get through this, get through school, and get through the things that are pulling him in every direction. Your lives aren't as innocent as they used to be and you have to expect some major changes."
The kinds of changes that involve a very grown up looking Justin Timberlake in low riding sweatpants that made her thing of things that she definitely shouldn't be thinking about her best friend maybe? "I know that changes are expected and I'm not even talking about that. Well…in a way I am but…but…oh NEVERMIND!"
He chuckled at her obvious frustration and it was interesting to see because she wasn't one to freak out. "Lauren, you're going to get through this and within two days of him leaving you're going to be running up the phone bill and completely concentrating on your school work while he's over there making all the girls scream. I've never seen you so worked up over him leaving and that really makes me wonder what REALLY happened in California."
She knew that he was only trying to help her but a big brother wasn't what she needed at the moment. She needed a friend and she needed HER friend…the one who would be gone this time tomorrow. "Ok Jayce you caught us. Justin and I shacked up in the same room while we were gone and I slept with him. As a matter of fact, I slept with him twice. That's why I've been so sore and so tired since I've gotten back. Justin on stage is NOTHING compared to what his hips can do under the sheets. Oh baby…oh baby."
He gave her a bored look and smiled when she rolled her eyes. "Very funny but he knows that I would have a VERY long talk with him if he so much as laid a hand on you in any way other than a friendly gesture."
"As cute as this is…I don't need a caveman for a big brother. I'm going to be nineteen in a few weeks and what happened to that 'arg you need to choose your battles wisely little Lauren…arg arg' speech?"
"I choose my battles very wisely but I know for a fact that a high percentage of friendships between a guy and a girl turn at some point. I'm not saying that the two always end up together or that they act on those new feelings, but it's a fact of life that at some point you two are probably going to look at each other in a new way. You're at least going to see the attractiveness of one another because both of you are beautiful people. I've been waiting for a long time for Justin to look at you with more than friendship in his eyes and if I were him it would have happened a long time ago."
Her eyes widened as she stared at him. "Mr. Psychology I have one word for you…HUH?"
He grinned brightly at her confused face. "That came out wrong. I'm just saying that he's going to wake up one day to see you for the attractive young woman that you are and he's going to either be too scared to lose you as a friend to see if anything could develop, or he's going to go for it. The same thing goes for you. You're going to see him in a new way soon if you haven't already and it's going to be up to you to decide which direction you want to go with that or if you want to ignore it. Ignoring it isn't going to be easy. As well as I know Justin, if he got it in his head to go after you…you'd be caught."
"Oh how could I possibly be more blessed than to have a twenty five year old brother who is striving to be the next Gandhi?"
"You make jokes Lauren but I'm just saying this because you should plan ahead for how you're going to handle that. It's not going to be easy and you're probably going to have to give up a lot in order to gain anything. Are you going to be willing to risk a lifelong friendship for maybe a love that could be destroyed at any moment?"
She rolled her eyes and returned to rubbing her temples. "Justin and I are just friends and that's all we're ever going to be. Besides, he's dated other people, I've…I've dated other people, and we never once looked at each other in a way that was other than friendship." She conveniently forgot about the Snowed In trip and her confusing thoughts in order to make her point. "I think that it's only natural that at some point we will look at each other and think 'my GOD he has grown up nicely' but to take it any further than that? Uh uh. It will never happen."
He nodded slowly and spun the steering wheel to turn into their driveway. "You know what they always say Lauren. Never say never."
(Later that afternoon.)
Lauren stood in front of the mirror and turned slightly to peer over her shoulder at the glass. She turned the other shoulder around and looked at how the way her clothes and her hair looked now. Her teeth chewed nervously on her bottom lip as she spun around two more times and gave herself a critical look.
"This is hopeless! This is absolutely hopeless and I should have gone with the fifth outfit. This one looks like something Britney and Christina fought over on their way to 'oh my God, this is like…so cool' land."
She plopped down on the bed miserably and stared up at the ceiling. The last thing she wanted to do was to go over to Justin's house and to sit around a bunch of people who were all trying their best to put on a brave face and act like his leaving would be something that they could all easily deal with. Well it wasn't easy to deal with and she wasn't going to pretend that it made her happy to see him go. She wasn't that good of an actress and it would take a really big stretch to appear happy and confident this time.
She didn't want to let him go. It was about as plain and as simple as that. There had never been a time in her life when she felt that she needed him close to her like the way she did now. There was something inside of her that was driving her absolutely crazy with the fact that he needed to stay in Orlando and stay with her. She didn't understand it, she didn't know what it was all about, but there was something in her heart telling her that this was bad idea for him to leave.
"You're being so stupid Lauren. Tomorrow he's going to go away, you're going to sulk just like Jayce said, Justin is going to call you about three hours later when he can't stand it anymore, you're going to be bright and cheerful when you talk to him, then you're going to cry your eyes out when you click the phone off, and it will be dealt with day to day. It's what always happens, it's what's normal, and that's exactly what is going to happen this time. It's all about losing a friend and worrying about him. It's not about anything else at all here."
Her watch beeped to let her know that it was four thirty and time to be getting off her butt and heading over to his house. She rolled off of the bed and stared at herself in the full-length mirror again. Her tired blue eyes saw a young woman with soft brown hair, a deep green sweater that hugged her curves a little but not too much, and the black pants that had just enough sparkles in the fabric to catch the shine of brighter lights. She looked down at her slim hips and cautiously reached down to raise her shirt just a tad to show her midriff. After tying the shirt into a knot just under her bra-line she stepped back, poked her hip out a little, and looked at herself.
She came up with several certainties. "Very cute Lauren but you're no superstar and you're certainly not gifted enough to pull this look off."
As strange as it was, she wondered what Justin would do or say if he saw her dressed like this. He had probably seen every female outfit imaginable from completely slutty to innocent and sweet, and yet she wondered if he would be shocked or if he would even notice that she wore something so openly…bare.
She stared at her long legs and smiled at the way the pants hugged them. Even though there had been a time when she was ashamed of the way she looked, her image, and how she presented herself; there had never been a time when she had been ashamed of her figure. Her mother and father had blessed her with a very athletic and tall build but she had never really noticed how womanly she had become until just recently. She was no longer a little girl and every day she grew and matured just a little bit more whether she wanted to or not. Staring at herself like she was doing right now opened her eyes to what she could do with a little effort and a lot of extra time to devote to primping herself.
Her fingers slid through her hair and pushed the strands onto her shoulders. She spun around quickly and looked back with a smile. "Hello everyone. I'm Lauren, I'm eighteen, I love spiced crumb cake, and I'm a Pisces."
She spun around again and struck a different pose. "I can't tell you how honored I am to win this award of being the most pathetic person on EARTH! I need some serious help."
Her fingers made quick work of untying her shirt and pulling it off. She didn't have any more time to waste on nerves or on silly wishes and dreams. The decision was made and she was just going to have to go in with a brave smile and make it as easy for Justin as she possibly could. He was off to do something he loved and she was going to show that she supported him in that no matter what.
Pulling on a dark blue sweater she had tried on about an hour ago, she tucked it into her pants, ran the brush through her hair a few more times, and walked out into the living room. Jayce was sitting on the couch eating a bowl of chili and watching a movie. "Do you want me to bring you back anything from the party?"
He shook his head and swallowed a mouthful of food. "No thanks."
She shrugged and sighed. "Ok…well I'm off now. See you later tonight if you don't go out. Oh wait that's right, I have the car. Well if you invite friends over or whatever."
He put the bowl down when he heard her nervous tone and turned to look at her over the back of the couch. "Hey sis?"
Her hand froze on the doorknob "Yeah?"
"Good luck and have fun tonight. Try not to think about anything other than the fact that everything will be fine and that you're spending time with him now. That's all you need to think about and you'll have a great time."
She smiled and blew him a kiss before opening the door. "And if that doesn't work then I can always get sloppy drunk and jump him. Goodnight Jayce…don't wait up."
He turned back around to the TV and chuckled when he heard the door slam. "It's good to see some of that spunk back. Now let's just hope that it holds out."