Chapter Twenty-Nine

Lauren had no idea where she was going, but she knew she had to get away. She had to get away from the pain and the painful words that were replaying over and over in her head. She could still see his angry eyes, could still hear his words like they were just being said, and no matter how far she drove or how long she drove…she still remembered them.

All of her friends and basically her entire life were back in that house she had just fled from. All of this time she had prided herself on being so strong and so capable, but now she realized just how weak and pathetic she really was. Through everything, she still didn't have it in her to lean on people. Those five guys and the people who were a part of their lives were the only people IN her life. If that wasn't weakness and a sign of being absolutely pathetic, then she didn't know what was. Right now she wanted more than anything to be alone, but at the same time she also wanted to have a life of her own. She needed people to turn to and there was nobody there for her. She had built every bit of her life around those people and when it was taken all away she now realized how shallow and how meaningless that life had been.

It shouldn't have taken this much for her to figure it out, it shouldn't have taken losing it to see that she was wrong, and it shouldn't take pain and hatred to wake her up to the fact that she lived a very one sided and sheltered life. She lived the life of a celebrity, trusting no one, and a celebrity was definitely what she was not.

Going home was the last thing she wanted to do because she was more terrified of that empty house than she was of anything else, because sitting there in the silence would only cause her to think. The more she thought about the status of her life at this point, the more she wanted to give up and forget that it ever existed to begin with. This wasn't a life anymore; this was just an existence. She was living day to day fighting for something that didn't want to be fought for anymore. Would he wake up one day and realize what he had done? It was about as likely as her waking up one morning to hear that Tom had had a change of heart. It was done and now she had to pick up the pieces and live the life she should have lived to begin with.

Looking over at the clock on the dash of her car she sighed when she saw that it was nine o'clock. Her parents were awake and working no doubt, but going over there and opening up to them about this was not an option. They would treat her like she was twelve and in a snit, and she just couldn't hear that right now. Jayce wasn't home and she refused to call him and cry while he would bluntly tell her that she was an idiot. Lynn would be on Justin's side as she should be, and ruining her relationship with her would only hammer one more nail into her already closing coffin. The only friend that she had outside of this loop was Mary Beth and she still disliked her because of the truths that she had hidden from her. Mary Beth was a fan and she could almost see the girl's eyes light up with pleasure if she were to tell her that Justin had kicked her out of his life over lies and deceit.

What she needed was a place where she could close her eyes, relax because there were no questions being asked, and sleep in some sort of safe comfort from it all. There was only one thing coming to mind and it was going to be an intrusion that would be misunderstood quickly, but hopefully she hadn't misjudged their compassion and concern for her when she had been with them the last time.

She turned up the radio on a hard rock station that she disliked, and turned her car onto the exit that headed west out of Orlando. This wasn't a permanent fix or even something that would last more than tonight, but at least she could get away from it all for a night. A guitar slammed out a melody as she drove along and she thanked the Lord that at least some music didn't talk about heartbreak and losing everything you've ever loved. The music kept her from thinking and it kept her awake when her eyes just wanted to close and shut everything and everyone away.

An hour and a half later she stopped the car and grabbed her bag to slid out onto the pavement. It was beautiful there and while it gave her many memories of Justin, it also gave her the security that she needed at that moment to realize that she wasn't going to do anything drastic over this. She was going to move on, establish a new life, and hopefully start over.

She just never thought it would be without Justin.

Walking across the grass to the well-lit sidewalk, she took a deep breath and smelled the clean air as it gently blew against her face. The only sounds she heard were the lonely chirps of insects and the faint sound of a waterfall off in the distance. There were no more tears left inside of her and there really wasn't anymore hope, so she didn't get too dreamy over the romantic melody of the moonlight as the city softened into the restful night.

She picked up her pace and hoped that the guard at the gate had given her the right apartment number because as big of an intrusion as this was going to be, it would be even worse if she went to the wrong place. Finally she reached the door she was looking for and she took a deep but unsteady breath before knocking. The lights were on inside and that allowed some of her guilt to wash away, but the rest of it continued to break her down even lower than she already was.

The door opened a few seconds later and standing before her was one of the two people who could give her some sort of hope. "I'm sorry for coming like this, I'm not even sure if you remember me, but I…I…"

The older man looked over her wrinkled clothes, her matted and windblown hair, the reddened and puffy eyes, and the look of helplessness on a girl who was much too young to ever look that way. "You come right on in, sweetheart."

Betsy stood in the kitchen and she came around the corner with a concerned look. "Artie? Who was at the door at this time of night?"

The woman froze when she saw Lauren and her heart went out to her as Artie led her into the kitchen with his arm around her shoulders. "Hey honey, are you ok?"

Tears she didn't think she had in her clouded her eyes and her chin trembled as she shook her head and walked towards her. "I had nowhere else to go."

Betsy pulled Lauren into her arms and hugged her against her plump frame as the young girl softly cried against her. She stroked her hair and kissed the top of her head before looking up at Artie. "What kind of trouble are you in? Did someone hurt you, honey?"

Lauren's arms tightened around her even more for a few more seconds. She sniffled and pulled back before Betsy handed her a tissue and offered her a seat. "I'm so sorry for intruding into your life like this. You probably don't even remember me or care but…"

Betsy sat closer to her and squeezed her shoulders. "You stop that right now. Of course we remember you. It's rare that we get to see young people like yourself and that night you reminded me so much of myself that you've been in my heart ever since. You and that handsome young man of yours were exactly like Artie and I were at that age and…" Lauren turned away and Betsy felt like biting her tongue off. "This has something to do with him, right? Is that why you have nowhere else to go?"

"I don't want to think about him anymore, he certainly doesn't think about me, and I just…I…I don't want to THINK. I want it all to go away."

Artie handed her a cup of hot chocolate and sat in a chair beside them. "Did that young man hurt you?"

She gripped the warm cup between her cold hands and sniffled as she stared at the liquid. "No, he didn't do anything to hurt me physically. I don't think he would ever be pushed to that point."

Betsy pushed Lauren's hair back and stroked it like only a mother knew how to do. "Was it another boy? Did some other boy hurt you and you feel you can't go to your friend and explain?"

"It's much worse than anything physical. My whole life was taken away from me and yes it was from another boy…another man. A man who won even though I swore he never would."

"Artie, why don't you go get the bed ready in the spare bedroom while I talk to her?"

He looked hesitant, but he could see that they needed to talk about a few things that had to do with men. Since he was one, Betsy would undoubtedly say a few derogatory comments that weren't meant for his ears. "I'll do that and lay out one of those nightgowns you have in the drawer." He patted Lauren's knee and turned to walk down the hall.

"Oh no I couldn't intrude and stay. I just…I needed…"

Betsy shushed her and waited for Artie to leave. "You need to sit here and talk. It's festering and it's boiling inside of you. If you don't get it out or talk to someone…what then? Will anyone be able to help you? Will we be able to help you? The first step to getting help, is helping yourself first."

She took the cup out of Lauren's hands and turned her so she could get a good look. There were dark circles under her eyes, her hair was dull and flat, she looked a lot skinnier than she remembered her being the last time, but what stuck out the most was how defeated this girl looked. When she had met her for the first time, there was so much spunk that lit this young girl's eyes, but now she only looked pale and sickly. She looked like a person who had given up on not only the people around her, but on herself as well.

"Talk to me, honey."

Another tear rolled down Lauren's cheek and she pushed it away miserably. "I can't."

"You came here because you thought that we, two strangers, could help you. I meet strangers every day and I've never had one follow me home. Why don't you start by telling me about that handsome young man and I'll tell you why I know he's behind all of this."

"He…he hates me and I don't blame him, because I hate me too."

"Why would he hate such a beautiful and loving person like yourself? You're here crying for him and that shows that he deserves your tears because you don't seem like the teary type of girl to me. In fact, if you really ARE like I used to be at your age…it takes a hell of a lot to get you here."

Justin's angry face and his cruel words slapped her again. She swallowed hard and looked up as she shook her head. "Yes…it took more than you can imagine."

"Why don't you start at the beginning. I know you don't want to talk about this, your heart and your head is fighting for you to keep silent, but won't you feel better letting someone know? Won't it feel good to finally get all of this off of your chest and say it out loud?"

Lauren couldn't take it anymore and Betsy was right. Opening up and talking to people was something she just didn't do, but this time the words were so built up inside of her that they were choking her. She took several deep breaths and started at the beginning. She explained her friendship with Justin, the depth of it, who he was and what he was, how she cared about him, how she was confused by all the new feelings that hit her, how Tom had entered their lives and had taken over, her battles, her struggles, her feelings, her need to make him understand, and when she was done voicing every single concern that had plagued her for years…she felt limp. She felt like she had run across the country or had relived all of those moments in the span of the hour that it took her to explain it all.

Betsy gave her exactly what she needed the most at that moment. She gave her a shoulder to lean on and she didn't ask any questions. She didn't judge and she didn't press for more. She was willing to hear whatever Lauren was willing to give, and even though Betsy had no power to make this situation better…it felt so good to put everything into words and have someone actually hear her side without accusing her of lies or cruel intentions.

"So he gave up a nineteen year friendship because of a man who has ruined people's lives from the very beginning? He gave up that friendship, he gave you up, because he would rather believe lies?"

Lauren closed her eyes and nodded against Betsy's shoulder. "Seems that way."

"Oh honey I'm so very sorry."

"We're both at fault here, but I guess I am a liar because all this time I've been telling myself that I could fix it. I told myself over and over that if I just pushed him far enough that he would open up and need me again. I've been lying to myself more than to anyone else."

"As much as I hate this, I can see it in your eyes…you've given up."

Hearing the words caused her to wince, but it was the absolute truth. "Yeah…yeah I have. I can only beat my head into a wall so much before I finally realize that the wall is what's causing the pain to begin with."

"Ever hear of repainting that wall? Maybe give it a new coat of plaster to make it softer?"

Lauren closed her eyes and rubbed her aching head. "There are other walls out there and a lot of rooms that I've never explored before. I think this might…it might be for the best."

"So you're willing to give up on a man who is possibly your soul mate?"

That made her think, but the answer came just as quickly. "If he was my soul mate…the wall never would have been built to begin with. There would have at least been a door or a lock to pick. There wasn't and I'm tired of fooling myself into having hope."

Betsy gave her one more hug before standing up and holding her hand down to Lauren. The two of them walked past Artie who had come back into the living room long ago to listen, and she led her into the spare bedroom that had a small bed and a few pictures on an antique dresser. After helping Lauren change, Betsy pulled back the sheets and patted it. "You get some sleep."

"Thank you, Betsy. For everything you've done and for everything you didn't do."

She leaned over to tuck the covers in around her and kissed the side of her head. "I didn't do anything more than what any other human being should do for others. I listened. Go to sleep and try to think of happy thoughts."

"I don't remember what that's like anymore."

Betsy stood by and waited until Lauren relaxed against the pillow and her breathing deepened in sleep before walking out and closing the door. Artie stood there with a sad look on his face and she walked past him to go back into the living room. "I haven't seen eyes that sad or that flat since my momma's funeral."

He shook his head and sighed. "No sense in young people hurting each other this way."

"Who says love has to make sense? Who ever said that at all? But what I do know, what I HAVE heard, is that men are bastards. Oh yes they are, and age doesn't matter. Age doesn't matter one bit because they learn early how to destroy what bit of compassion, love, and hope that women hold inside."

Justin leaned his head back against the headboard of his bed and looked over at Jon's sleeping form beside him before pulling the covers up over his small body. This was, without a doubt, the worst night he'd ever had in his life. Everything from Lauren dropping off Jon, to Shai showing up, to Jon kicking at her and screaming how much he wanted Lauren, kissing her even when he knew he shouldn't, running after Lauren, and then of course there was that scene when he finally managed to catch up with her.

The room was dark except for the bit of light from outside that streamed in through the open window, and he ran a hand over his face miserably. He rubbed his tired eyes and yawned deeply but he couldn't sleep. There was so much going on and so much that overwhelmed him, but that didn't excuse him for what he just did to Lauren outside. He knew she was weak, that she was defenseless, and he knew that she was vulnerable. Instead of walking away and leaving that alone, he had attacked her and had crushed her like any hunter would bring down its prey. Thinking back on everything that he had said…it scared him. It scared him so much to know that not only had he had those thoughts, but also that he had actually voiced them to her.

Being mean or hurtful to Lauren was something that he never knew was inside of him. His entire life he had fought or harmed people who attempted to do much less than that to her. Yet there he had stood, in front of her while she was trembling and pleading with him to stop, and he had continued. She was a shell of a person standing there, and he had cracked that shell even more by slamming her with words that he hadn't really meant.

Throughout his life, he had always been one who lashed out when he was angry. Never had he been one who was hurtful in that anger. Rarely did he want to talk things through when he was still mad. Usually if he was given a little bit of time to cool off, he was more rational. This was insane was what it was. He was so horrified by the fact that he had actually kissed Shai, had been fooled by her, had been pulled in to her words, and seeing Lauren standing there had stopped his heart. It had made him angry that he felt the need to explain things to her or clear them up, but that was his problem to deal with and not hers.

Whether or not she was a good manipulator or actress was something he wasn't sure of yet. But even she didn't have the ability to make her eyes dilate and go cold, even she didn't have the ability to make all the blood run out of her face, and she didn't have the ability to mentally shut down and shut off to the point where he felt like he was speaking into a void.

He had mistaken her shutting down as a sign that she didn't care to hear what he had to say, but now that he looked back at it…what choice had he given her? He had taken words and feelings that he knew were a sore spot for her, that she had entrusted him with, and had used them against her. He wasn't sure of the depth of her pain, but he knew that he felt dirty and abused just knowing that they had been used that way.

This was getting out of hand, his anger was getting out of hand, and his life was becoming more and more out of control. Jonathan was there and instead of being even MORE careful, he had even lashed out at Lauren in front of him to the point where he had said something about it. If a five-year-old was seeing what an ass he was being, then maybe…just maybe…he was wrong.

His hand moved over his cheek and he winced when he hit the still tender and red spot where she had hit him. In his life he had pulled her out of more than enough scrapes and fights, but never had he been the one she was fighting against. She had one hell of a punch in that body of hers because his skin was still burning. That slap had triggered warning bells inside of him though. Lauren wasn't the one to resort to physical violence unless she was pushed to the edge…or she hated someone.

He slid down on the bed and rested his head on the pillow underneath him. Jon shifted beside him and snuggled up to his shoulder before falling back asleep. His body hurt, his head hurt, his cheek heart, and worst of all…his heart hurt. It hurt because he never thought he would lose her and certainly not in this way.

He looked over at Jonathan's restful face and the way he was leaning on him reminded him of the way Lauren used to snuggle up close to him while she slept. When they were younger, she always chose his shoulder as her pillow and his arm as her place to hug while she slept, and he could almost feel her against him right then. He didn't want to and he didn't want to remember her that way, but he was and it made him realize everything he was giving up. This wasn't his fault, he didn't tell her to try to manipulate his life this way, but it was handled wrongly. It stopped being anger and it had turned into a personal vendetta that he had led against her.

Gently pulling himself out of Jon's grasp, he stood up and walked to the door. He crept towards the staircase and past JC's room where he heard two voices still talking. They had been talking for the longest time but the screaming and yelling had finally stopped. It had pained him to hear them yell at each other about something he had no inkling about. They were perfect for each other and had come so far together to let it all slip away over a stupid argument.

That thought hit him hard when he realized that was exactly what he and Lauren had allowed to happen between them. He grabbed his car keys and pulled on his shoes before walking towards the front door. One of the security guards questioned his actions but he brushed them off and thankfully they left him alone for the time being. Lauren was a fighter, she always had been, but the memory of her eyes as he had turned away from her earlier reminded him that even fighters run out of energy and stamina at some point. At some point, it's time to ring the bell and forfeit before it becomes too dangerous to continue. That made him walk a little faster to his car and he tried to think of where she could possibly be at this moment.

She wouldn't have gone to her parents' house, she wouldn't have gone to his house, his mom's house wasn't even an option, Jayce wasn't home and…

His heart felt even heavier when he thought about her reasons for not wanting to go home. According to her, there had been someone outside of her house, and thinking back to the look that was on her face when she told him that…she was terrified. There were so many articles and news briefs popping up about her that it shouldn't have been overly shocking for him to believe that fans or even enemies were staking out her house. She was there alone, she was young and defenseless, and she had been terrified for her safety while he pushed her away.

His pace picked up even more before he slowed down and stopped to grip his hair and look up at the stars. "What if it was another lie? My first reaction was that she was lying again and…and…what if it wasn't? Dammit WHY?"

He paced around in circles with his hands on his hips while he thought about what to do. If he went to her, what would he say? Would he explode again? Would he tear her down even more? If he couldn't find her, then what? Would he spend the rest of the night wondering and getting angrier?

He walked over to his car and leaned his head on the top with a sigh. Too much was going on and too much was still left unsaid. He wanted so badly to hear her explanation for why she did this to them, but at the same time he didn't know if he could stomach it. He knew that if she lied to him again, that that would be it for him.

It was hard for him to draw breaths because it seemed like the whole world was folding in around him. Every time he thought he could draw a deep breath, another corner would come crashing down and close that section of his life that he thought was safe.

He pushed off of the car and reached into his pocket for his keys, but something caught his eyes. There was the glint of something shining on his passenger-side rearview mirror and he couldn't quite make out what it was. Walking around to get a better look, his heart stopped and he felt every part of himself grow cold as his eyes fought not to recognize it. His eyes, his head, his heart, and his soul wanted this to be a lie. Slowly he reached out and his fingers tightened around the object. He held it up in front of him to take a better look and all of the oxygen left his body in a violent whoosh.

In his hand was the blue beaded bracelet that he had given her, the one that she said she would always treasure, and the one that symbolized the battle that she raged to hang onto him and everything important to her through all obstacles.

A tear slipped out of his eye and he fought his emotions as hard as he could because this proved without a doubt that she had finally given up. The fighter was now the defeated, and he had been the one who had pushed her to give up every bit of strength she had left. Him and his stupid, stupid pride that was all he had left.