Chapter Thirty-Three

"Lauren? Lauren, are you still with me here?"

Miranda debated on whether or not she should shake the girl because she had turned into a zombie right in front of her eyes. Lauren sat perfectly still, eyes glued on the tape recorder in her hand, and she closely resembled someone in one of those B-flick horror movies that had transformed into the living dead. "Lauren?"

Lauren wasn't sure if she could move or not because there was enough trembling going on inside of her that she felt she might shatter if she even breathed wrong. It wasn't that she was scared. No, in fact she wasn't scared at all. She was utterly and completely terrified of what that tape could mean. Miranda was the one who dug for answers and for truths. She was her closest friend and out of everyone, Miranda was the one person she didn't feel could handle this truth. Why she felt that way she didn't know, but for some reason the idea of Miranda knowing about what was happening with Tom made her feel like her world had just been shaken up even more. Miranda would demand answers, she would seek answers, and Lauren was at a point now where she didn't want to talk about it anymore. She didn't want to think about it, didn't want to deal with it, and she certainly didn't want the apologetic or shocked looks she would get if she explained everything in detail to Miranda.

No, what was really making her afraid was the fact that when Miranda knew…JC would also. It was only a matter of time before JC would find out, then the other guys would know, and then her turn on this ride of life would be over. They would all automatically take Justin's side, as they should, and she would have to restart and rebuild even more than she had before.

Maybe it was time that they saw her for what she really was. Maybe it was time for them to see that she wasn't perfect and that she couldn't handle EVERYTHING. They would be fed a lot of lies by Justin that even the tape wouldn't clear up, but at least they would understand the confusion that was surrounding them lately. She was sick and tired of this whole mess and she was sick and tired of that stupid contract. If Tom wanted to push her away from Justin, what would be the loss? He had already distanced himself from her in the coldest and most complete way possible…he had banished her from his heart.

What would being away from him physically mean? It would just add one more nail to her already slamming coffin and maybe it would push her to see that all of the mixed signals weren't really mixed signals to anyone besides herself. Justin had been constant and he had been true, it was her head and her heart that had made more of everything than there really was. Her heart had pulled up images and feelings that she WANTED to see, but that Justin never encouraged or acknowledged. Her stupid feelings and hope had created this situation, but that also meant she had the power to end it with just a few words.

Was she ready for that? Probably not, but over and over inside of her head replayed his cruel words, Tom's evil and satisfied grin, and her own dying spirits to the point where she didn't know if she could ever get away from it. She just wanted everything to stop and she wanted to stop being careful when all she REALLY wanted to do was fight back and conquer the way she used to be capable of.

"Lauren? Are you ok? I didn't know this was going to upset you so badly or I…"

She shook her head and broke from her thoughts to smile bitterly at Miranda. "Forget it and yes I'm fine. That tape just…it just made me think about a few things. Not like I could really forget."

"Care to explain that?"

She pushed off of the couch and walked over to the opposite wall to lean against it and run a hand through her hair in frustration. "NOT REALLY, Miranda."

This was an eye opener for Miranda because while she knew that Lauren was being pushed and for some reason was breaking, she had never seen her look this way. She looked frustrated, angry, and she looked trapped with no means to escape. "Ok this is Miranda your friend talking here, not Miranda the journalist. I'm pushing you because…well…that's what I always do and dammit it's a hard habit to break."

Lauren didn't laugh the way she had hoped she would. "Ok."

"I'm worried about you, Lauren. No, let me take that back. I'm SCARED for you, Lauren. I've been scared ever since your argument and disagreement with Justin lasted longer than a day. I've been scared ever since I saw firsthand your breakdown and the defeat in your eyes. I've been scared ever since Tom started strolling around here with that huge smile on his face. And I've been scared ever since I heard that tape a few minutes ago because for the first time I got SOME sense of understanding. I'm no longer just scared after hearing that tape…I'm terrified for you."

Lauren giggled and covered her mouth to silence it. "You're terrified huh? How about living it, Miranda? You heard it, but I…I live it. I'm past the point of being scared and I'm past the point of clawing my way through the cave of SHIT because when I really take a good hard look at what I'm fighting for…I'm not sure that I want it anymore. I really wonder if it's worth all of this heartache and this much trouble to save a relationship and a person who doesn't want to be saved."

Miranda opened her mouth to say something, but Lauren interrupted to continue. "I hear all of these stupid words of wisdom thrown at me every day. I have you, I have the guys, I have MIKE of all people, I have a five year old who blasted me with truth for the short amount of time that I was with him, and tonight…oh LORD tonight I'll be getting it Jayce-style. Be strong, Lauren. Fight to hold onto him, Lauren. Don't give up hope, Lauren. He'll wake up and he'll see how much you care for him, just have faith, Lauren. Don't lose that spunk, Lauren. Well I'm SICK of hearing advice! I'm SICK of everyone telling me that they're worried and that I have to be strong!" She turned and her eyes met Miranda's. "When was Justin ever strong enough to fight…for…ME?"

"Lauren, I…"

"I fought for him my entire life! Even when it seemed hopeless or that I didn't have a chance to win!" Her pleading and sad eyes lowered to the floor. "But Miranda, when is it finally my turn to be fought for? When is it my turn to be shown that I'm worth the trouble or that I'm worth the lengths that I've gone to for him?"

Miranda couldn't think of anything to say to that. Lauren was right and the deep pain that she was displaying through not only her words but also the tone of her voice, caused tears to build up in her throat to the point of choking her.

"Over and over I'm told that what we have is special, that it's one of a kind, and I've always believed that he felt that way too. But if it was that special, if it was that unique and beautiful, why…WHY did he give it up so easily? I'm not the one who should be getting all of this advice. I'm not the one who gave up on that friendship when times got tough. I fought for it, I battled for it, and yes I even made a deal with someone who I NEVER should have associated with just to hang onto that love I felt for Justin." She swallowed hard and took a deep breath. "But where was he during all of this? Where was he when I was trying to show him that I deserved a chance to explain? He was throwing insults and calling me a prostitute. A PROSTITUTE, Miranda!"

She saw Miranda flinch and while it was embarrassing to have her know the details of what Justin now thought of her, it also helped cleanse her heart to get everything out. "Tell me, would you put everything inside of yourself on the line, would you continue to fight, when the person you're doing all of this for believed lies to the point where he would purposefully tear you down even lower than you already were?"

"Lauren, he was hurting and…"

She pulled on her hair and growled. "My GOD! Don't you see that even now you're taking his side? Even though you know he's wrong, even though you know that I was forced to do a lot of things, even though there are lies floating around EVERYWHERE, you're taking his side! He was hurting and I'll agree to that, but…SO…WAS…I."

"That came out wrong. I'm not taking anyone's side because I don't have all of the information. I've heard this tape, I've seen how both of you are acting, and it's just not enough to place blame. However, him letting anger and pain to draw him into purposefully hurting you isn't right no matter what happened."

"Trust is a big deal to you, Miranda. How much do you trust JC?"

This was going to be hurtful and she knew it. "I'd trust him with my life."

"You love him and you love that you can trust him, right?"

"Of course."

She pushed away from the wall and swallowed hard. "You've only known that level of trust with him for a few months and yet it fills your heart…it completes you. Imagine if that trust was built on experiences that took up your entire life, on memories that make you who you are, and then it was shattered and all taken away in one swipe. Imagine that that person acts like none of what you gave him mattered, and acts like it was all nothing more than just passing time."

She saw Miranda's face fall with understanding. "My memories…my memories slam me in the face every time I see him, and no matter what I do I can't get away from them. They are nothing but reminders of what I've lost and what I was stupid enough to believe in. Justin didn't fight, he gave up, and I STILL put everything on the line to save what we had…but I can't do that anymore. Call me crazy or just plain stuck on myself, but I deserve more than that. I was the one who wanted to save it and yet I'm the one who gets all the pep talks. I'm the one who wouldn't let go, and Justin is the one who is coddled and stroked into believing that it's his name and his status that bring these problems. When are people going to stop giving ME tips and go after the one person who is holding everything back?"

Miranda put the tape recorder down and looked down at her hands while she searched for something to say. "I guess…in giving you advice, in trying to give you some sense of hope, and in trying to preserve the fight inside of you, what we were really doing was trying to save a part of ourselves." She looked up to see Lauren's confused face. "I know you've had your friendship with Justin so long that you don't see the uniqueness or the specialness of it because it's all you've ever known, but outsiders do. There isn't a person around here who wouldn't give their left arm to have that kind of bond with another person. And so in preaching to you, in lifting you up, and in giving you advice…we are trying to save the feelings and hope that the relationship you two share…brings to our lives. Just knowing that two people can be that way with one another is like seeing that lone star in the night sky. You see it, you are drawn to it, you know you'll never have it, but you can't help but admire the beauty of it."

Lauren's head slowly shook back and forth against the wall. "I'm sorry to tell you this, but that lone star in the night sky was really nothing more than the lights of an airplane as it flew by. It was beautiful, it was fun to watch while it lasted, but like all things…it disappears and is forgotten when you realize that it wasn't everything you thought it was."

"I refuse to accept that."

Lauren laughed out loud this time and sat down beside Miranda with a huff. "Accept it or not, but that's about as true to life as we can get here. There is no happy ending this time, Miranda. There is no prince and I'm sure as hell no princess. However, there are a lot of villains and a lot of good plot twists that push us further and further apart. How does that saying go? I would rather have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all." She shrugged and shook her head with a sad smile. "Nineteen years was a long time, and anything past that should be chalked up to greed on my part. I have…I have accepted that, and now it's time to keep moving."

Miranda grabbed the tape recorder again and stood up. "So you're saying that you're through with this and that you've given up? Is that right?"

"That's what I said."

She turned and glared down at her. "I'm not buying that at all, Lauren Owsley. I can't even believe that for a second."

"What?"

"Oh come on! You have given up on what makes you happy, on making your point, on bringing Tom down, and on the one person in this world that you truly LOVE? Excuse me while I laugh."

Lauren's eyes narrowed when she heard Miranda's chuckle. "I'm serious."

"You THINK you're serious. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that neither you nor Justin has given up on one another. I'll admit that I pick up on a lot of things that other people don't see or notice because…well because I rock, but BEYOND that I can see that the only real thing holding you two back is a simple word called 'pride.' It's a stupid little word and it is annoying, but alas it also has the power to make people VERY stupid. Case and point…Justin Timberlake and Lauren Owsley."

"This isn't funny, Miranda."

"I'm not trying to be funny. You tell me that you've given up and I have to say that I would have given up a long time ago because I'm not the type who battles well. But here's my question to you. If you've given up like you said, if you've decided that he's not worth it anymore…why are you here? Hmm?"

Lauren winced and her jaw dropped a few times as she stuttered. "Well I…I'm here because…it's not that easy to explain because…um…"

"Because your pride won't let you? Is THAT why it's hard to explain?"

"Miranda, you're twisting my words around and…"

Miranda smiled and sat on top of the table across the room to stare at her. "I can't twist any words because all you've done is stutter at me. Don't tell me that you've given up and then show up here with Justin. You have something with him that I'll never have with JC and dammit I'm not going to let you toss it away because you two are so caught up in yourselves and self-pity that you can't see straight anymore. You are in love with him, and don't tell me you aren't. Do you know what I would give to be able to know JC the way you know Justin? I feel like twenty something years have been wasted and I'm trying my best to play catch up. I'll never know what it was like for him to lose his first tooth, for him to graduate middle school, for him to have his first girlfriend, his first wet dream. Ahem…sorry about that but you knew I had to do it. My point IS…other than pictures and a few stories that he tells or his family tells, I will only ever know JC the man. Those twenty something years are lost for ever and I can't turn back the time to somehow meet him earlier, but you DO have that past with Justin. You DO share that history and that relationship that is too precious for words. Can't you see that?"

Lauren saw it but until now she had never really thought about it that way.

"You're hurting, he's done some very nasty things, and I can tell that you're breaking faster and faster…but I still see that Lauren gleam in your eyes. In fact, it BLAZED when I first played that tape of your conversation with Tom. Am I being silly for thinking that it was a spark of hope?"

"Shut up, Miranda."

Her smile grew even bigger. "Shut up? Oh there's that pride again. I can barely make out the full conversation on this tape, but there's enough here to show without a doubt that Tom tricked you into doing something you didn't want to do. He lied, he manipulated, and he succeeded…with great pleasure…at pulling you and Justin apart. I can't say that I'm an expert on you, but I know for a fact that you're probably chomping at the bit to let Justin hear this. After all, this is all the proof you need right here."

She shrugged and looked away. "He'd believe that I somehow made a fake tape just to cover my tracks and…"

"PRIDE ALERT! PRIDE ALERT! Is anyone getting sick from the flashing lights or is it just me? Come on Lauren! This is the answer to your prayers right here if you'd just push that pride aside and USE IT."

"Miranda, my father is a lawyer and I know that that tape is about as illegal as I can get. Do you know how happy it would make Tom to find out that I have an illegally taped conversation in my possession? Not only that, but a tape that could destroy him if I put it to very good use? He wouldn't think twice about crushing not only me, but anyone even associated with me."

Miranda waited for her to finish, but when it seemed like that was all she had to say, she looked around and inhaled deeply. "THAT was your big explanation of why you can't let Justin hear that tape? Oh I'm sooooooo sorry about that. I was waiting for something…I don't know…BETTER or more earth shattering."

"I'm going back to what I said before…why should I fight for something that doesn't want to be saved? Why should I go to these lengths only to have more accusations or attacks brought on by my actions?"

"Remember what I said about pushing his buttons? You must have pushed a few or he wouldn't have you here. I don't know Justin the way you do and I don't pretend to, but I do know that people cater to that boy. If he made it clear that he didn't want you around…you would NOT be around. It wouldn't matter what the guys had to say or what I might say…you wouldn't be here. So there is a part of him that is cracking and he's seeing that maybe his actions weren't really as thought through as he might have wanted to believe. If I had to guess, whatever he was told beyond what Tom told you in his office that day isn't really adding up anymore for Justin."

"You think so?"

Miranda's eyes widened playfully. "Was that the sound of hope? Oh my GOD I think it was!"

"It was the sound of shock and nothing more."

She groaned and leaned back before collecting herself and trying again. "There's that pride again. Your heart and your head are telling you two different things. Your head is telling you to accept that pride and move on because there is less pain that way, but your heart is showing its true self through your actions. You…are…here, and that's all I need to know to figure out that there's still hope inside of you."

"This is sounding a lot like a pep talk."

"Bear with me for a few more minutes. So Tom has some kind of plan that involves a contract and you signed it. I'm hurt and disappointed that you signed it without letting anyone help you, but what's done is done. We can't go back and change that fact. I just wish you would have come to me about this and allow the one person who has dealt with the man help you in some way."

"Are you mad?"

That was a very good question but one that Miranda couldn't answer. "I don't know what I am. I'm fearful because I know that Tom doesn't play fair in ANY sense of the word, but I also understand how emotions can take over and blind a person from seeing reason. Tom managed to get under my skin enough to where I didn't trust JC, so I can understand your struggle a little bit. That doesn't make me understand it completely, but I do see how you could have felt cornered. Why didn't you just go to Justin when it all took place?"

"I wanted to protect him from Shai and from Tom."

"I see. It didn't work out but your intentions were good. Justin doesn't know what your intentions were or he wouldn't be this pissed off. I'm also betting that he doesn't know the truth because the likelihood is that Tom fed him lies so big that it overloaded Justin to the point of causing a meltdown."

Lauren picked at the bottom of her shirt and shrugged. "Are you going to tell JC?"

"I'm going to take that tape and I'm going to give it to JC."

"NO! No you can't do that!"

"I can and I will. We need someone experienced in recordings to bring out and sharpen the areas of it that are too foggy or too soft to understand. JC can do that and he already knows how Tom is. Lauren, he's not going to take Tom's side because JC now knows what Tom is capable of."

Lauren could feel her heart beating fast and it was hard to catch her breath. "You told him about Melinda?"

"I did and the only reason he's being quiet about it is because I asked him to be. That information can be put to good use if he keeps his mouth shut about it. We've had many talks in the last week about you and Justin and I've never seen him stress or cry over something as much as he has over this situation between the two of you."

"JC was crying?"

She nodded and walked over to sit back down beside her. "They're all crying whether it's on the inside or out. They all love both of you very much and it's hard for them to watch just like it's hard for me to. He's going to bring out that conversation where it's loud, clear, and Justin will be unable to debate what is on it. When he hears it, you don't want to give him any reason to mishear or misinterpret the messages there."

"I just hope that JC doesn't hate me too after he hears it."

She reached over and grabbed Lauren's hand. "JC won't hate you and he will feel the same way I do…he will feel the need to fight against Tom. Tom reads people much in the same way I do, and he knows how people will react or what decisions they will make because he does his homework on their personalities. He probably pushed you a lot right before doing this so that you were already a bit insecure to begin with. When that was done, he moved in for the kill and he ran with it."

"You're right."

Miranda put the tape into her pocket and gave her a comforting smile. "Has Harrison come up with anything yet?"

"How did you…?"

"You don't think that I keep his information in my Rolodex for sentimental reasons do you? Like I said, reading people and predicting how they'll react is a specialty that not only Tom possesses. I knew you would call and I also knew that I wouldn't be able to."

"To you think he'll help me?"

She had said many prayers about Harrison's involvement and she still held onto the hope that Harrison wasn't all bad. "I think that Harrison will come through and he will give you what we need to stop Tom once and for all. This tape is a damn good beginning."

"I…I don't know where to go from here."

Miranda checked her watch and sighed loudly. "I only have a few more seconds before I have to get back out there for the interviews, but I'll say this…push his buttons. PUSH him into putting that pride of his aside and actually talk to you about what he's so angry about. When we have that piece of the puzzle, things will go a lot smoother."

"I know he cares because…I just do. I don't know how to show HIM that he cares. Guys are so stupid when it comes to being honest with themselves so how do I get him to not only be honest with himself but to be honest with me?"

"Push…him."

"I hear what you're saying and I know you're right. It's just that every time I think he's showing me some part of himself that I used to know…he blows it by kissing Shai or…"

Miranda froze as she was standing up. "What?"

"Yeah…that night he said all of those terrible things, I caught him kissing Shai out by the pool. Now whenever I look at his lips, whenever I look at his cheek, I see that kiss and her hands all over him and…"

Miranda shuddered and closed her eyes to shake her head. "That boy is even stupider than I thought he was. Although, there is a good side here. He got caught kissing Shai, ran after you no doubt, and tried to explain. Right?"

"Yeah, he ran after me and started to explain but then he just threw insults."

"That right there shows he cares. Not the hurtful words, but the anger and disgust that direct them. He was so upset with himself and he was so disappointed in himself that it blinded him. BUT…it was knowing that YOU were disappointed in him that pushed him over the edge. He knew he was wrong for doing that and he also knew that it was stupid of him, but handling it alone is one thing. Knowing that you saw it and that you judged him was too much for him to take. How he reacted was WAY wrong and he should be punished a little for that, but his actions are too easy to read. He cares and he cares more than he wants to."

Lauren stood up and stretched. "Are you…are you sure it's a good idea to give JC that tape?"

"You leave this and the legal issues to me. There ARE ways around that but I'll need not only your support, but Justin's as well." She winked and walked with her to the door.

"You're scaring me, Miranda."

They walked back out into the studio and Miranda counted heads until she saw all five guys before leaning in and whispering. "No need to be scared. What YOU need to worry about is attacking that boy where it will count the most."

Lauren's eyes locked on Justin and with a small smile of determination, she nodded. "Push at him like I would the buttons on a cash register. I think I can handle that much."

Miranda laughed and started to walk away, but she stopped turned a few feet away to smile back at her. "Lauren? It's good to have you back, girl."