Sunlight slowly worked its way through the partially opened blinds and touched upon the slumbering body that still fought to make its way out of a blissful resting place and into the reality of a new day. The covers were scattered and clumped to hide most of his shape and the room was silently still except for the slight rise and fall of his chest underneath them.
There was a slight stir as the fabric was pulled lower to reveal a thick mat of disarrayed curls against the pillow. Two strong arms emerged to stretch out and lay against the headboard for a second before disappearing underneath the sheets again.
Justin pulled them down a little lower until the light hit his closed eyes. He winced against the brightness and rolled over away from the offensive interruption.
This had been on hell of a trip and he wasn't so sure that he was ready to end it. This was the day that they would have to go back and face the real reality of what they were a part of now, and even though they were going to be doing this together…it was still hard. This relationship and love business was a draining thing, and he was finding that out more and more as the feelings grew deeper. He could sense trouble brewing, there was a showdown about to take place, and he was going to have to pull every bit of strength he had inside of himself to get them both out of it.
It was hard enough to take care of himself and calm his fears to the point of a given reassurance, but now he was also having to look after her as well. His thoughts sounded like a burden, but that's not what Lauren was at all. She was his responsibility whether she wanted to be or not. He needed to be strong for himself, but the biggest pressure came from being strong and overly confident just to make her feel those things. She could probably handle everything on her own, but one look in those blue eyes of hers told him everything he needed to know.
She was unsure, she was scared, she was torn, and she loved him.
He pushed the covers down until they bunched at his waist and he rubbed his eyes to rid them of the sleep that still pulled at them. His hands ran over his face a few times and along his scruffy jaw-line as he sighed and attempted to open his eyes.
It took several blinks to focus and to rid himself totally of the tiredness of his body. His head turned on the pillow and he looked over to see that the bed was empty beside him. "Lauren?"
There was no answer to his soft call so he stretched again and yawned deeply before turning to look at the window. It seemed so normal and so ordinary to watch the sun come up, but that was probably why it felt so strange to him. He couldn't remember the last time he had laid in bed and watched this magnificence unveiling in front of him. Then again, he couldn't remember a time when he had felt as content as he did laying there knowing that Lauren was with him. Just her presence alone was enough to make him feel strong and like he could lift that sun all on his own if he wanted to.
When he thought about this trip and the night they had shared, a slow grin slid across his face. It quickly turned into a smile that he covered with his hands and chuckled about. It was a very dangerous thing to be boastful, especially with Lauren anywhere near him to slam his ego down a few notches, but he just couldn't help it. He was so happy and so right with the decisions that he had made these last few days that it was fighting for some way to be released. At least a smile could be read in many ways and they were the only two people in the world who had to understand this feeling.
There were so many things he wanted to tell her, so many feelings that he wanted to explain, and at the same time he didn't know where to even begin. He didn't know if he even COULD begin. Nineteen years of hardships, nineteen years of perfection, nineteen years of friendship, nineteen years of understanding, and nineteen years that were only the first drop in a huge bucket of life that they would spend together.
With that came an awesome responsibility and it also came with a lot of dreams that would have to be put on hold because of other dreams. There were no feelings of regret over what they had shared on this trip, but he did regret the life that he was taking away from her. It was a sad realization to know that they had to go this far just to spend time alone together. It saddened and angered him even more when he knew that this wasn't going to change anytime soon…if ever. He would never be the boyfriend who could call her up for a Saturday date or the boyfriend who decides on a whim to go to a party with her. He couldn't even spend time with her without safety measures being considered or planned just so they could walk around without being harmed or pulled at. Their lives would never be free of judgement, free of speculation, and every movement or word they uttered would be analyzed and criticized.
This was going to be their life and he couldn't stop thinking about the unfairness of it all. She didn't deserve this kind of treatment and she didn't deserve the harsh reality of what his name had become. This was his dream and his life, but somehow it had seeped into hers the moment she had wanted to be a part of it. There was no way he was going to give her up, by now she was essential to his survival, but he often wondered if he was worth all of this. The thought of her some day waking up and realizing that her entire life had passed her by while she had been killing herself to love him was what frightened him the most.
He angrily pushed the covers back and snatched his T-shirt off of the floor where it had been carelessly thrown the night before. He shrugged it on as he walked out of the bedroom. "Val?"
"I didn't know you were awake."
His arms raised up in a stretch again and he yawned deeply before making his way over to the back of the couch where she was sitting. His fingers trailed through her hair and he leaned over to kiss the top of her head before squinting at the paper she had in her hands. "Well good morning to you too. I just woke up and was surprised when you weren't in there. What are you reading?"
"I'm just scanning through the newspaper to see what's going on in the world."
"In the obituaries?"
She shrugged and grinned timidly when he walked around to sit beside her, but her eyes never left the print. "A girl can hope, right?"
After watching her for a few moments, he reached around and grabbed his glasses from the table. "Are you searching for something about us?"
"There wasn't anything in there about us, and that really surprises me."
He leaned over to rest his cheek against her shoulder and read along with her. "The album is still doing really well."
"Yes it is. The really interesting thing is that the first album is climbing back up the charts pretty steadily." She reached beside her leg and bit off a piece of cantaloupe before holding it up to his mouth.
His head came away from her shoulder as he chewed and continued to stare at her. "Our flight leaves at noon. Where did the fruit come from?"
"There was a fruit platter delivered as a thank you for staying in the hotel and it looked really good so I made it into breakfast."
An evil twinkle entered his eyes. "You're not going to take any lessons from Miranda here and start clawing at me, are you? Oh wait, you shared so you're certainly not learning anything from Miranda."
Just as she was about to eat a slice of orange, he plucked it from her fingers and popped it into his mouth. "Greedy bastard. By the way, did you happen to pass a mirror this morning?"
"I need to shave and I…"
Her eyes trailed over his handsome face and up to his hair before a bright smile came to her face. "You need to get control of those things. You look like one of those Chia-Heads that you can order on TV. With the glasses and the scruff, you could easily pass for a Don King one."
For a moment he looked like the comment had hurt him, but that was before he growled and pulled her into his arms. She screamed out in shock and then giggled as she swung her legs around and got comfortable on his lap.
"I'm going to try this again. Good morning, Val." He leaned forward and claimed her lips until he felt her fingers start to grip at his shirt. Only then did he pull back and give them both room to breathe.
"Good morning, Justin."
He reached for another orange slide and held it up to her lips. After she bit into it, he ate the other half, and saw that juice was running down her chin. Before she could wipe it away, his lips and his tongue did the job for her. "You were about to make a mess."
"You ARE a mess." But that still didn't stop her entire body from tingling at the feel of his caress.
"It's eight o'clock in the morning, our flight doesn't leave until twelve, and we're both awake."
She nodded slowly and looked away when she couldn't meet his eyes anymore. "I didn't sleep very well."
He hugged her tighter and softly kissed her cheek. "Are you ok?"
When she tensed at the question, his arms tightened even more. "I'm fine, Justin."
"You don't sound fine to me. I know that a lot has happened and maybe a few things have changed. There were a lot of things that might be hard to handle and I know you don't really want to talk about it because you're scared, but I just want to say that what happened last night…"
The moment he mentioned fear, she let it all go. "It was terrible."
Out of everything he could ever dream of her saying at that moment, that had to be down there with 'last night made me see how much I need to dust the lampshades when I get home.' He had no idea how to respond to it; so he tried his best to raised his gaping jaw and make some sense of all of this. He tried to put himself in her place and see what it must be like to wake up and face him after everything they had shared. It wasn't easy and he quickly sought out any piece of a feminine side he had to pull him out of this hole. She needed understanding, she needed comfort, and she needed for him to be delicate.
"Wait a minute, it was TERRIBLE?" So much for good intentions, he thought.
She pulled her legs in to her chest and leaned her head against his shoulder. "It was probably the worst thing I've ever experienced in my life."
This was going to insult him in a minute and all he could think of was just how horrible it could have been when everything had felt so right. It had felt MORE than right to him. "Could we please talk about this without using any…any negative words? Please?"
"What do you want me to say, Justin? Do you want me to lie? Do you want me to say that it was actually something I enjoyed?"
His eyes blinked rapidly and his teeth gritted in embarrassment. "Heaven forbid. Why don't we just tear down every bit of confidence I might have had in myself?"
"I know you want to protect me and you blame yourself for a lot of this, but…"
"Wait, I don't blame myself for this. This was a two way street all the way and you're as much to blame as I am."
She pushed back and gaped at him. "I'm not trying to say that you're to blame. I don't understand why I felt that way last night. I can't tell you why I'm still terrified by it this morning, but it was WRONG, Justin. What I felt last night was so terrible, so horrible, and so…so…"
"Oh hell, why don't I just play along? Disgusting?" His voice was so thick with sarcasm that it could have been sliced with a knife.
She pushed her hair back and nodded. "Thank you. It was so disgusting that I'm STILL feeling nauseous. There's this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and neither one of us are to blame for it. I don't know WHY it's getting to me so badly."
For the first time in a really long time, he either wanted to cry, hit somebody, or bury himself in a grave where he would never be found. All he knew was that sitting here like this was probably one of the most embarrassing situations he had ever been in. But at least she was being honest. He had to give her credit for that much. "While you're indulging in this little truth marathon, would you like to hit the last nail in the coffin and bitch about the pain now?"
She gave him a strange look when she heard his angry tone. "It didn't really hurt. In fact, I didn't really feel anything physically…AT ALL. It was…it was just so scary and I was so terrified by it that maybe it kept me from feeling anything. I don't know. Maybe because it was over so fast I didn't have time to feel any pain that might have come along with it."
His face felt like it was on fire and he covered it with both hands before she could see it. "Can I just die now?"
"Justin, your sarcasm isn't helping at all. I'm trying to be honest with you and…"
His hands came away and he laughed bitterly as he set her aside and stood up. "Believe me, I'm getting all of your honesty and then some."
She watched him pace around and pull at his hair. "You're overreacting. I mean, yeah it was a nightmare and all that, but you're really…"
He froze with his hands in his hair and groaned with his eyes closed. "It just amazes me how I can feel something completely different than what you feel."
"We're two different people."
"Yeah, but you're using words like terrible, horrible, nightmare, disgusting, and…and…over so FAST." He winced and continued his pacing.
Lauren leaned against the back of the couch and watched him with rising anger. "I'm sorry for saying anything to you about it. I thought that you would understand and help me figure this out…maybe comfort me a little."
"Comfort you? I…I just can't get over how certain and…and BLUNT you are about this. I thought it was a beautiful thing but obviously not."
"Why should I hide it from you? The only way we can handle it, understand it, and make it any better is by talking about it."
He actually laughed at that. "Make it better? Lauren, if you buy me a book, I swear to God…"
"Buy you a book? Justin, those glasses are supposed to make you look smarter…not even stupider. What are you ON?"
"I'm definitely not working on high confidence, I can tell you that much."
She sat down on the couch again and absently picked at one of the pillows. "If you're unsure about all of this, where does that leave me?"
"Terminally unsatisfied?"
"I wish I could explain my feelings to you about last night. I wish I could put into words how it made me feel, but it was just…just…I can't say it."
His hands flew up and he growled at the ceiling with exasperation. "Oh please don't let ME stop you from saying it all."
When he started mumbling words that she couldn't understand, it broke her heart to know that he was dismissing this so easily and getting angry. She didn't understand why he was getting so mad, but that's exactly what he was doing. "Justin, you're making it out to be much harder than it really should be."
"Oh that is just all I can take." He tripped on one of the rugs and gave her a cold look before walking into the bedroom.
Lauren ran after him and was shocked when she saw that he was busy packing up his things. "Justin…"
"Just…try not to say anything more, ok? I'm close to slitting my wrists as it is."
"I never would have said anything if I knew it would upset you this much. I mean, last night you seemed to understand and…"
He yanked off his T-shirt and pulled out another one that he would wear. "I guess I misread all of the signals. My friggin' bad. Just one more thing I'm realizing that I suck at."
She walked over to grab his shirt and keep him from pulling it on. "Would you stop acting this way and listen to me?"
"How much more could you possibly have to say? Are you going to go for size now?"
"What does size have to do with anything?"
This just got better and better, he thought. "I've heard you females talk and I have been around the block a few times. I might not be the most experienced person out there but I DO know what you girls talk about. Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about because I'm not sure I have the strength to say it."
"Could you be any more VAGUE?" She stopped for a second and realization hit. "Oh I get it. NOW I get it."
When she let go of the shirt, it flew back and hit him in the face. "You get it?"
She jumped into his arms and kissed his startled lips a few times before pulling back to look into his eyes. "I love you."
Justin held her so she wouldn't fall but he had to admit that he was really beginning to wonder about her sanity. "Uh…I love you too. Would you mind telling me why you did a one-eighty just then?"
She kissed him a few more times and stepped back out of his arms. "You're trying to make light of this and you're trying to pull me into an argument to make me forget."
That seemed to be the punchline, but he still waited for it. "Ummm…right."
"Because if I fight with you, then I'll forget about it. If you seem strong and like it doesn't bother you, then it will give me strength. Have I told you lately how wonderful you are?"
"I'm just going to say this and get it out of my system…WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?"
"You always do this when I worry about Tom and last night…"
Just when he thought things couldn't get any worse, it actually did. "Putting last night and Tom in the same sentence just…just…"
"But I know he has something to do with it! That feeling of sickness and evil is something that only he is capable of, so I know it was just a fear I hadn't realized yet."
Justin pulled on his shirt and gave her a strange look. "I wasn't thinking of Tom last night and I thought…"
"I'm talking about the nightmare, Justin."
"So that's your nickname for it? Oh how you lavish me with praise."
It was early, she wasn't working on a lot of rest, there were a lot of things hitting her at once, and finally it clicked that they weren't exactly on the same page. In fact, they weren't even in the same library as each other. "Justin, I'm talking about the nightmare I had last night. The one you woke me up from and I told you it felt like something was suffocating me. Remember?"
His hands froze over the suitcase and his head slowly raised until he could see her. "Wh…what nightmare?"
"Oh my God, you don't remember. But you woke me up and told me that everything was going to be ok."
"Pardon MY bluntness, but I was a little worn out last night, more than usual. I don't remember you having a bad dream."
"Then what did you think I was…oh no. Oh my God! Justin…Justin I wasn't…I wasn't talking about…oh I'm so SORRY!" She thought about everything she had said, his red face, the pure look of horror he had given her, and it made her giggle.
"I'm so glad you find this funny. You were talking about a dream all this time and I was being insulted. Niiiiice."
She caught him halfway to the bathroom and pulled on his arm until he stopped. "I swear to you that I wasn't talking about…well…you know. When you said how you understood how scared I was, I thought you meant the nightmare I had about Tom. Well, I guess it was Tom."
"So what we did last night…"
She blushed and looked away for a second before grabbing him and pulling his head down for a hard kiss. When he slowly started to respond, she whispered. "Last night was…it was coooool."
He lips parted in a smile against her much eviler grin, and he chuckled when he saw how much she was enjoying this. "I now realize the stupidity of that word and how I will never live it down. You made me want to jump off of the balcony a few minutes ago."
This time she laughed out loud and could barely catch her breath to speak. "I tore down the almighty pimp pride!"
"SO not funny. Well, it is now but I was really starting to wonder if I was just going through some wishful thinking or if I was just REALLY delusional."
She laughed even harder and wiped the tears from her eyes as he picked her up and threw her on the bed. "You thought I was talking about…about…oh I can't catch my breath!"
He stood with his hands on his hips as he watched her laugh, and he couldn't stop his own smile from forming. "I'm SO glad you find this funny."
"It's not funny, but in a way it is. I couldn't figure out why you were getting so offended and why you started talking about size but…ohhhhhh this is priceless!"
He laid down beside her and nudged her shoulder when she kept laughing. "I'm glad you find this humorous, but I'm still lost about last night."
After giggling a little while longer and trying her best to resist it, she propped her head up on a hand and stared down at him. "Like I said, I can't really explain it but it was like some kind of evilness swept over me. It felt like it was pushing me down into the mattress and I couldn't get away from it."
"Are you sure you're not thinking about me?"
She slapped his chest and gave him a hard look when he laughed. "Don't be vulgar. Something is going on, Justin. I can feel it. I don't know if Tom has figured out where we are or if he's just hating us more because we left, but something isn't feeling right. Something is telling me that things just aren't what we think they are."
"You're not psychic, Val. I think you were just overly emotional last night because of everything that happened, you relaxed for the first time on this trip, and it all hit you at once. It was nothing but a dream and yes he's going to be mad when we get back, but what can he do? He can't do anything to us anymore and now it's our turn to show him what it feels like to have people try to ruin HIS life."
"He's not going to like that."
He rested his hands on top of hers and closed his eyes. "He's going to fight this with every cruel and evil part inside of him, but we WILL win this. I promise you that he will be gone this time next week."
She laid back down, rested her head on his shoulder, and sighed when his strong arms went around her. "I hope you're right about that, Justin. He's not going down without a fight, but I sure hope you're right."