Luv
By Lyssa
very
little editing was done to this...I left it just the way it got it...Dee
The feelings that I have for you are secret. Never to be revealed to the world. I think about you all day wondering what you’re doing and wondering if you’re thinking of me too. Hoping, praying that you are. I keep imagining what you look like, what you’re wearing, what mood you’re in. I wish I was there with you. By your side. Having you hold me while I fall asleep in your arms. It seems like the only place I ever want to be in my life. I was only there once for a split second but it seemed like home to me. I never wanted to leave your warm arms. Even though it was my first time meeting you I felt like I knew you for my entire life. I was totally comfortable and felt wanted and needed. If only you knew what you’re voice does to me. Makes me weak in the knees and my heart stop, and I can’t breathe. Every time you tell me you luv me my heart melts. I just fall for you even harder every time.
I heard that some of the greatest loves are between friends and when you least expect them to happen. Sort of my fondness of you. I dreamt about this kind of relationship my entire life. I wish you could lay down beside me every night for the rest of my life. I want to be able to look at your face every day of my life. Into your beautiful eyes. I want you to fill the empty spot in my soul. But I could never tell you these things. Never. I’d rather not know if it would work out than getting rejected by you. I don’t want your pity. I don’t want a pity relationship or pity friendship. Like I thought you were giving me up until this point where you told me how much my friendship meant to you and how you luv me. And how miserable you’d be if I didn’t walk this planet. I promise that I’d never hurt you or ever let you get hurt.
I want to be there to cheer you up when you think about the low points of your life. Tell you no matter what happens, I will be there for you helping you through everything and hoping that you’d do the same for me. We both know how life gets rough and how we can be lead on a rocky path, but when I reach the smooth part, I want you to be right there with me, helping me with all the new problems I face. If you can help like you have just through e-mails and phone calls and IMs, I could be invincible with you by my side holding my hand. I just want to feel your touch. Just to touch you and be touched. I love your laugh. I love the sound of it. I love your smile. It’s beautiful. I don’t know what to do about this. God has dropped this glorious gift in my lap and I don’t know what to do. But he’s fooled me like this before. He’s trying to show me a lesson in holding in my feelings and putting up a shield unlike what I’ve done in the past.
But what if he’s not bluffing this time. He dropped this gift right into my lap and I have no idea what to do. I don’t want to ruin the amazing friendship that we share being able to talk to each other on so many levels. Never judging each other or making fun of what we don’t understand. Just offering the best friendship I could ever ask for. I pray to God that I don’t lose you as a friend. But I also would like to be in an intimate part of your life. Sharing you life with you. Could be just a childish puppy love. Could be the real thing. What’s unfair is that I don’t know if it’s true or not. God having me figure that out on my own. Having to deal with jealousy, and heartbreak. But also being content in what we share. I don’t have to have you all to myself but as long as I have your friendship I couldn’t be happier. The thought of me losing this friendship hurts me.
I can admit that I let my heart do all the thinking instead of my brain. And in the past it has just led me into heart break but I don’t care right now. I like the feeling I get when you tell me you luv me. I like the feeling I get when you tell me that I’m pretty and you think that I’m a good looking a woman. That I make you laugh and you love to be around me. That you love talking to me. Some nights I go to bed wondering what would have happened if I never went into that chat room that night and I never accepted your IM. When you said you were older, I first hesitated because I thought you’d be some weirdo like the rest of the older men that IMed me. But when I questioned if you knew I was younger, you said you just wanted to talk.
I remember that we talked about what we wanted out of life and what we were interested in. I remember my priorities back then. I was going to be an actress or a great writer. You believed in me. You told me I was going to be the next Julia Roberts and was just as pretty as her. My moments when I talk to you, I want to freeze and put in a box to keep forever to show my children what having feelings for someone looks like. How when I talk to you I have a smile upon my face that doesn’t go away until I wake up the next morning. How you make me laugh when you don’t even try and claim that you’re not funny. How you think you’re not good looking and that I’m crazy and then having confidence in yourself.
Oh Lord I wish I could have the confidence in his feelings to tell him that I feel this way. I pray that someday you have the same feelings for me and aren’t scared to shout them from the rooftops. It’s still unbelievable to me that I met the guy that I’ve dreamt about for the longest time. Tall, thin, great smile, sensitive (not the easiest way how you got there either), and you like me just the way I am. You’ve never tried to get me to change, never tried me to be less like me. Every time I wanted to change something about myself such as my weight you told me I was perfect. But you still supported me when I did it. And still do to this day.
I care about you deeply and I'd be devastated if you ever left me.