CHAPTER SIX:
You and AJ had spent a lazy day together. It was now late afternoon and you both would need to leave for the venue soon. AJ was using your lap as a pillow as he stretched out across the couch and continued to watch re-runs of the "Golden Girls". You mindlessly played with his hair, twirling it around your fingers which was all but putting him to sleep. Time was running out though and AJ couldn't allow himself to doze off because he knew damn good and well what he had to do. It was definitely going to be hard. In his mind, it would have been so much easier to tell you over the phone, or better yet, to not tell you at all...to just let you find out about his engagement when the rest of the world found out. That was when Nick of all people reminded him about Wes Scantlin. "Bone, you have to tell her. If not, she'll be sitting there at 4 in the morning with those big-ass ear phones on, getting ready to go on the air when the news about you and Sarah comes across the wire. ******* would have to sit there and smile while taking Wes's shit about us LIVE for the next six hours of her shift. The only thing worse than that would be if she worked for Howard Stern. How do you think that would make her feel?" "What's wrong?" you asked, bringing AJ out of his thoughts as you gently stroked his forehead. At any given time he could easily make love to you with his eyes, however right now his beautiful brown eyes were cloudy and sad. AJ felt his face flush. It embarrassed him that you could read him so easily. Lovingly, he pressed his palm against yours, whispering "I love your hands" as he softly closed your hand into a fist, then planted a gentle kiss on each one of your knuckles. "You Ms. ****** did something really bad" he said in a hushed tone, desperately trying to soften the blow that he was about to deliver. Your gaze locked on his face for a moment as he pressed your hand to his chest. Both of you could feel the pace of his heartbeat change as he said "you got me...right here! That wasn't supposed to happen baby." He could tell by the expression on your face that you were beginning to understand what he was getting at. The look of love in your eyes was giving way to escalating anguish and sadness. AJ tried hard, but he wasn't able to stop his tears from falling as he continued talking. "I've never believed in reincarnation or any of that other stuff, but sometimes I feel like our souls are connected. We connected so fast, but....it's too late now." He sighed loudly, and when he got no response from you, he began again. "God, this is so hard! You and I have been together on and off for a long time now. Do
you understand? It doesn't mean that I never loved you, and I know that telling you how sorry I am doesn't make it any better....say something, Please?!?!" AJ was stumbling his way through painful confessions hidden behind the well meaning disguise of kind-heartedness. Blindly, he felt his way through goodbye. "I'm not sure it's a good idea for us to see each other anymore" he finally spit out. A funny feeling that centered in the middle of your chest crept over you. It sort of felt like indigestion...a fullness that made it difficult to breathe, choking you and nauseating you. Your pulse quickened and you felt somewhat faint. The aching was almost unbearable. You wouldn't admit to it or label what was happening to you, but in the corners of your subconscious, you knew. AJ was breaking your heart. For all of his good looks, take charge personality, and dogged determination, if you scratched the surface of AJ McLean you would find a sweet, rather big-hearted man with very clear cut values and a righteous love for his family. AJ desperately wanted the respect of his peers and recognition for his accomplishments. To that extent, he often wandered off the path in pursuit of success. When that would happen, he had to back-track. Life was complicated and the business was even more complicated. It was hard to keep things simple, but he tried. That's all he knew how to do, and loving you complicated everything. Just then, the phone rang....the bus was ready and it was time to go. "We'll talk about this after the show, ok?" he asked sadly. You forced a smile and nodded your head in agreement. "You ready?" he asked as he stood up and offered you his hand. You just remained sitting. "******? I need to go. They're waiting...come on!" AJ said as he looked at you. Your chin trembled as you fought to control your emotions. You refused to cry in front of him...refused to bare one more raw emotion to him. Finally, you managed to choke out "I'll get a cab...I'll be there in a little bit." AJ started to argue with you, but decided to let it go. When he leaned down to kiss you, you turned your head causing his lips to graze your cheek. "Don't act like this ******, please? You have no idea how hard this was to tell you" he pleaded. Your vision was watery and distorted, held hostage by a flood of pent-up tears. A solitary blink would have caused them all to break free and then AJ would see you cry. Finally, you quietly replied "and you, AJ...you have no idea how hard it was to hear". It was too late though. He
had already closed the door. When you were certain that everyone had left for the arena...the boys and their bodyguards, the girlfriends, the band...anyone who might possibly recognize you and pity you, then and only then did you pack your belongings into your suitcase and quietly leave for home. The only possession you left behind was your heart, and that didn't matter. After all, it was broken now...
CHAPTER SEVEN:
By the time that you got home that night, there were already several messages waiting for you. Surprisingly, you had calls on your machine from Kevin, Howie, and there was even a call from Leighanne. Leighanne had never spoken more than five words to you before this, so obviously Kevin or Brian had asked her to call. You were not interested in returning any of those phone calls, and in fact, the only person you did call was Kelly to tell her that AJ didn't want to see you anymore because of "his commitment to the love of his life". It took Kelly less than 30 minutes to get from her house to yours which was pretty good time considering that she had also stopped by a liquor store on her way. Before the night was over, the two of you would laugh, cry, find out all about Sarah Martin, and drink enough alcohol to pass out. It wasn't the smart way to handle what you were feeling or even the adult way to handle it, but right then it sure as hell felt like the
only way to handle it. Meanwhile, back at the arena with the guys, Kevin and Nick stared at AJ as he revealed that he had broken things off with you only a few hours ago at the hotel. "For real?" they both asked, practically at the same time. Brian and Howie were there too, but they refused to make eye contact with him. Kevin's green eyes burned into AJ as he asked "is she ok?" AJ just shrugged. "She's ok. She said she'd be over it in a few days". AJ knew that the guys felt like they were caught in the middle. They liked you and they liked Sarah too, so they had become very used to keeping their opinions to themselves. After all, AJ hadn't done anything with you that any one of them wasn't just as guilty of at one point or another with some other woman. "Do you think she's coming to the show?" Kevin asked. AJ shook his head. "Knowing *****, no. She's not coming. She's probably already at the airport by now." Nick shook his head in disgust as he walked away mumbling "this is messed up man!" "You did the right thing" Brian said softly as he patted AJ on the shoulder before leaving the room in search of Nick. "Then how come I feel so bad?" AJ asked more to himself than to anyone else. Kevin looked at him for a moment, then walked over to him and lowered his voice before speaking. What he was about to say was between the two of them. "Because you picked the wrong woman. Now you've made your bed. I'm going to call ******". Even though AJ knew deep down that you wouldn't come to the show after what had happened, he atleast expected that you would have left a note or something, however, when he got back to his room that night, you were just gone. No note...nothing. He was sure that he had done the right thing though...that he had made the right decision for the right reasons no matter what Kevin thought about it. After all, he had already asked Sarah for her hand in marriage and he had the blessing of both of their families. What was he supposed to do? Besides that, he did love Sarah and they had been through alot together over the last two years. AJ continued to go down the list. There were a million reasons for him to marry Sarah, so why was this causing him so much grief? He sat down on the bed and clutched the pillow that you had slept on the night before. As he brought it up to his chest, he began to cry. Back at your house, a cold, wet washcloth almost stung as it made contact with your skin. You jumped, but the confused signals that your brain was trying to transmit to your hung over body just weren't connecting. "Kel…ly...don't" you grumbled groggily as you fought to open your eyes. When you did, your blurry vision revealed that it was Kevin sitting there with the washcloth in his hands and not Kelly like you had assumed. "Where the fuck am I?" you asked as you shot straight up in your bed. When you did that, it felt like a two ton rock shifted in your brain. "Oh god...just let me die!" you groaned as Kevin continued to dab your face with the cool washcloth. "Are you ok? You're not gonna be sick are you?" he asked out of concern. "No, I'm ok. Ummm..." you slurred as you eased back down into a laying position. "What are you doing here?" you mumbled. Kevin didn't answer you because you probably wouldn't remember what he told you five minutes from that time anyway, but he couldn't help but to smile at the site of you. Apparently, you had stripped off all of your clothes and crawled into your bed as drunk as a skunk without even realizing it. You were covered from the waist down by your sheet, but from the waist up you were completely naked. You had absolutely no idea as you laid there in front of him with your eyes closed. On your left breast was a large, purple hickey serving as a constant reminder of the day that you had just spent with AJ in Atlanta, less than 24 hours ago....just before he brought you world crashing down around you.....
CHAPTER EIGHT:
The smell of breakfast was nauseating so you buried your head under your pillow. You could hear voices coming from the kitchen...a man's voice.. no, two men's voices and Kelly. Someone was playing with Dakotah and you could smell bacon and eggs cooking. You could also hear music playing. The dark clouds and drizzle outside made it seem even earlier than it actually was. You closed your eyes and purposely tried to fight through the alcohol induced cobwebs in your head to find that sacred place in your mind where you kept all of your precious memories...like your memories of loving AJ. It had only been 24 hours since he had held you, but it felt like it had been a lifetime. You stretched, running your hand slowly and almost affectionately over your flat belly. That last thing that you should have done last night was get drunk. However, when AJ made his decision to let you go, you knew that your fate was sealed as well. There would be no "baby McLean"...atleast not for you. You didn't have any big conspiracy to trap AJ, and no plan to take his money or share in his spotlight. You just simply messed up. You knew that and you had planned on talking with him over the weekend about it...one responsible adult to another to try and agree on a solution. You thought that was fair and it was the right thing to do. After all, you loved AJ. Unfortunately though, he loved Sarah. After that, you saw no point in telling him about the baby. You would just figure something out on your own, live with your decision, and go on. "Hey sweetheart! You about to wake up in here?" Kevin asked, carrying a glass of juice and a couple of Tylenol with him and sitting down on the edge of the bed. When you saw him, you pulled your sheet up around your neck. "First, throw me something to slip on, and then tell me what the hell you are doing in my bedroom. The last time I saw you, you were in Atlanta" you said. Kevin stood inside of your walk-in closet, looking through your clothes. "You feeling like Guns N' Roses today or are you feeling totally commercial and want to wear a station shirt?" he asked holding them both up. "Mmmmm" You pondered for a second and then deliberately lowered your voice to a deep, sultry tone and said "I'm ******* and this this is WMZQ, rockin' the city, rockin' your world." "Nice voice" Kevin laughed as he tossed an oversized black t-shirt in your direction and then turned around so that you could put it on. "Thanks Backstreet Boy" you replied. "So, like I said...the last time I saw you, you were in Atlanta." Kevin grinned and sat back down on your bed, handing you the glass of juice to wash down your tylenol. "What a coincidence. The last time I was you, ******* rockin' my world ^^^^^^, you were in Atlanta too" he countered. "Yeah, well...I decided to come home early" you defended as you reached over and touched a ring on Kevin's third finger of his left hand. "More BSB secrets?" "Ouch! Hey, I ummm...AJ told us why you left" Kevin said softly, watching as the smile slowly faded from your face. "He's really a good guy ******". " I know. I never said he wasn't" you sighed. Just then, and very much to your surprise, Kevin reached down and laid his hand on your stomach, closely looking for your reaction in the process. "There's no way he could know" you thought to yourself before trying to change the subject. "So, who's out
there eating all of my food?" "Well, there's your friend...ummm..Kelly, right? And I think the guy's name is Bailey... from your station? Then there's me and Dakotah. Now, are you hungry or are you having morning sickness?" he questioned, seeing right through what you were trying to do. You smiled defensively and tried to play off his question. “Where'd you get an idea like that from?" Kevin got up and walked into your bathroom, returning with a box that once held two home pregnancy tests. He turned the box upside down just to prove that it was empty. "Kevin, don't tell me that you went through my trash" you said, cringing at the sight of the box...a constant reminder of the secret that you were carrying. "No, I didn't go through your trash' he assured you as he sat down beside you and took your hand. "Who knows?" he asked. You sank back into your pillows and draped your arm over your eyes, but said nothing. "You didn't tell AJ?!?!" "He never gave me a chance to Kevin!" You protested. "I'm sure as hell not going to tell him now. He'd think that I was desperate and pathetic for sure...that I was just trying to trap him. No way!! No.. and don't you tell him either!" "He's got a..." Kevin began, only to be cut off by you. "What he has is Sarah." you said as you began to cry. "He has a plan and he has a life, and he has asked that I NOT be a part of that. I WILL respect his wishes. I will!" Kevin laid down next to you and wrapped his arms around you. You pressed your face into the hollow of his neck and just let him comfort you. "I know you will *****" he whispered. Meanwhile, back at the hotel, AJ paused for a moment and tried to remember what number he had dialed. It was clearly not you who had answered the phone. "Is the, the ^^^^^^ residence? Is ******* there?" he asked, confused. "Is this AJ?" came the voice on the other end. "Yeah. I thought that I had dialed the wrong number or something" he chuckled. "This is Kelly. Hold on and let me see if she is awake" Kelly said as she motioned for Bailey to go and tell you that you had a phone call. When he returned, Bailey was grinning and shaking his head no. Kelly took a deep breath and then returned to the call. "AJ? Listen...I'll tell her you called. Apparently, she and Kevin went back to sleep"...
CHAPTER NINE:
The temperature was falling and the light rain turned into snow flurries as the afternoon wore on. When you woke up, you and Kevin were alone. Kelly had left a note saying that AJ had called, but you didn't return his call. Chances were that he was just checking to see if you had made it home. Obviously, you had so was no reason to talk to him. You slipped on a pair of well-worn, fuzzy purple slipper socks and waited in front of the fireplace, your bare legs drawn up to your chest underneath your baggy shirt. Kevin finally woke up around 4pm. "Hey there. Don't you need to be someplace? I thought AJ said you guys were supposed do a show in Memphis or Birmingham? Is that right?" you asked as Kevin flopped down on the floor, enjoying the warmth from the roaring fire. "Yeah, tomorrow night. I'll make some calls and catch up with the guys there tomorrow morning. No big deal" he replied softly. There was a momentary silence as he sat looking at you. "Want some coffee or hot tea? Maybe some hot cocoa?" you questioned as you stood up and started for the kitchen.Kevin grabbed your ankle as you passed by, forcing you to stop. "What I WANT is for you to talk to me." he said. "I will" you grinned as you went to the kitchen to make yourself a cup of cocoa and a snack of graham crackers topped with ice cream. When you went back to the living room, you politely offered Kevin one. "What the hell is that? God, that looks gross" he protested as he wrinkled his nose up. "Damn ******. Shit, I don't even wanna look at it." You laughed as you licked the ice cream off, then popped the cracker into your mouth. "It's good. Trust me" you giggled. "See? That's exactly why I had a feeling you were pregnant. You were craving pancakes with butter and jelly in the middle of the night, and now you are eating that! Geez, that even smells nasty. Hurry up and eat it!" Kevin laughed as he turned his head away. You broke off a small piece and tried yet again to get him to taste it. "Open up! Come on, be a good Backstreet Boy. Choo choo...open up" you teased as you held the cracker up to his mouth, but Kevin refused to take even a small bite. "Kevin Scott Richardson! We both know that you've had stranger things than this in your mouth before" you scolded playfully. When he grinned, you shoved the cracker between his lips. He made a sour face, then grinned. "Actually, that ain't bad" he admitted, much to his surprise. "For your information, being pregnant has nothing to do with this. I have to get up at three in the morning to be at work by four remember? It's the middle of the night to other people, but not me and as far as WHAT I'm eating goes, I just like it. I've been eating graham crackers and ice cream since I was little" you said matter-of-factly. Kevin scooted up to the sofa and snuggled next to you and Dakotah was none too happy about the strange man with his "Mom", so Jumping up on the sofa, he finally managed to slip in between the two of you. "This is cozy" Kevin sighed as he snaked his arm around you. You closed your eyes and laid your head on his shoulder. "So, you like working for Wes?" he asked. "Yeah, I really do. Everyone thinks he's just a big jerk, but he's really not. That's just the way he is on the air. He's really this sweet guy with a wife and two kids and the IQ of a freakin' genius. A perfectionist, but I still like him" you answered. "That's cool. So what's he gonna say when he finds out you're uh, with child?" Kevin asked, continuing with his questioning as he patted your tummy again. "You gonna let him take credit for it, or are you gonna tell him that you've got a Baby Backstreet goin' on in there?" It was apparent to you that Kevin wasn't going to drop the subject because every conversation led back to the baby. There was no sense in lying to him. "I hadn't thought about that. Knowing Wes, he WOULD say it was his kid just for ratings!" replied. You stopped for a moment, then quietly continued. "I won't tell him anything because there won't be a Baby Backstreet goin' on" You wouldn't look at him, but could feel Kevin's eyes watching your every move. "Are you serious?" he finally mumbled. "Yes, I am" you said, trying to answer with conviction and show no emotion, but it was difficult. "I made a mistake and now I'll fix it. Case closed" "I'm telling AJ. You can't just do that *******" Kevin demanded. Lacy glared at him, then said "Yes, I can and no, you won't. Don't you dare tell him. He's apparently happy and I don't want him upset. Got it?" "*******, listen to what you're saying! Jesus Christ, don't do this, please? You got a little while, don't you? A few weeks? Think about it. Right now you're just pissed about AJ and Sarah, that's all." he pleaded. "That's ALL?" you shot back as you tried to wriggle free of his embrace, but AJ wouldn't let you get away that easily. "Kevin" you started, but had to stop, trying desperately to get control of your runaway emotions and make some sort of case for your decision. "I don't have a choice". Your voice was thick with heartbreaking resignation as you continued to explain it to him. "Just think about it. Think about the scandal and the hurt it would cause for both AJ AND Sarah. Think about the baby. What do I tell that baby someday? Your Daddy is a nice guy, but didn't love me and married somebody else. I DON'T HAVE A FUCKIN' CHOICE! He doesn't realize it, but AJ made that decision for me". Somehow, you managed to finish without crying. Unfortunately, Kevin wasn't faring as well and tears were welling up in his green eyes. "Marry me." he said. You grabbed his left hand and twirled the ring that resided on his ring finger. "What about this? What about 'your Sarah?' It's Kristin, right? you retorted. You could feel the anger and hurt that you had been trying so desperately to keep locked away beginning to surface. Kevin looked heartbroken. "Marry me. Come on ******. We'll figure it all out". he offered again. Finally, you began to cry. You cried because he was being so kind and because you were embarrassed that he felt pity for you. You were a proud woman. You never asked for help and you never asked for favors. You subscribed to the belief that you earn respect, you earn love, and you get back what you give. In your eyes, you apparently hadn't earned AJ's love or respect, much less Kevin's. "B-but I want to get married for the right reasons. I want love and honor and commitment and all that stupid bullshit that I thought..." you started, only to be cut off by Kevin. "I do love you ******. You just never saw it because of AJ, but I've always loved you"...
CHAPTER TEN:
After your little talk in front of the fireplace, you and Kevin decided to each take a shower, then make a grocery run. Later that night, you cooked homemade chili and Kevin entertained you with stories of growing up with AJ and the other boys. You showed him your scrapbook from the station, then together, you listened to old Motown Records and Kevin did his best Temptations and OJays dance routines. "You're so good! Did you ever think about a career in show business?" you teased as you giggled and clapped. Dakotah however, wasn't as impressed with Kevin's talents, and was diligent in his attempts to bite him on the ass. "I'm gonna kill this dog" Kevin mumbled. "Kevin, if you love me, you have to love my dog." you laughed. His response was to roll his eyes and make a face as he kept digging through your old records and CDs. You were elbow deep in pots and pans out in the kitchen when you heard Tina Turner, blaring from the stereo in the living room. Kevin, looking a lot like Tom Cruise in his underwear in "Risky Business," came sliding into the kitchen and tossed you a "mic" that looked a lot like a soup spoon. In fact, it was a soup spoon. He wasn't prepared for you to actually sing though. Although he knew that you had a great voice and could modulate chords and notes easily (after all, you were a deejay), it never dawned on him that you could really sing. When you started singing "The Best," he was blown away. "I call you when I need you, my heart's on fire You come to me, come to me wild and wild..." Stunned, Kevin sat down. You kept trying to get him to sing along with you, but he refused. You had his undivided attention now. "You're simply the best, better than all the rest, better than anyone, anyone I've ever met, I'm stuck on your heart, and hang on every word you say, tear us apart, baby I would rather be dead..." You were putting on quite a show, as you leaned down, shimmying and shaking her shoulders. "Do I looked like Christina Aguilera?" you whispered, grinning and shaking your breasts in his face as you continued to sing. "Each time you leave me I start losing control, you're walking away with my heart and my soul, I can feel you even when I'm alone
Oh baby, don't let go" When you were finished, Kevin just sat there speechless. Finally, he murmured, "Does AJ know about this?" You wrinkled your nose and laughed. "Hell, no. All he knows about is making babies_" you said, trying to be funny, but it struck too close to home. Kevin stood up and hugged you. "You know I can't marry you, don't you?" you asked softly as he held you. "I was hoping you'd change your mind." he replied. "Kev, let me get my life straight first. If and when that happens, and if you still want me, ask me again. You just might be surprised at what I say". Reluctantly, he let the subject drop and the two of you enjoyed the rest of your evening together. The next day, AJ was fighting every urge and instinct to be angry and possessive and to just beat the livin' shit out of Kevin. The only thing that stopped him was the fact that he'd made the announcement to the guys about breaking off his relationship with you because he and Sarah were going to get married. Given that, even AJ couldn't justify taking his emotions out on Kevin no matter how badly he might have wanted to. When Kevin finally walked into rehearsals after his day and night with you, everyone collectively held their breath. AJ wouldn't even look at him. He COULDN'T look at him for fear of losing his temper. When he finally felt like he had it under control, he made it a point to call Kevin to a different room, where they would be out of earshot while they talked, as he wasn't sure how long he'd be able curb his anger. "You were with *******?" AJ asked, his control so forced that his voice showed little emotion. "Yeah, I was. How's Sarah?" Kevin snapped as he leveled his eyes in the direction of his friend, daring him to make the first move. Their gaze locked in a temporary standoff. "I guess she's fine. I haven't talked to her. Have you?" AJ shot back. "Sarah? No, one broken-hearted, pregnant girlfriend a week is about all I can handle, thank you" Kevin countered, shocking even himself. He never promised you that he WOULDN'T tell AJ, but this wasn't exactly what he had in mind either. AJ was so quiet at that point that Kevin began to wonder if he had even heard what he'd said. AJ walked up to him, standing chest to chest, clearly in Kevin's personal space. To his credit, Kevin wouldn't back off or back down. Instead, he continued talking. "I asked her to marry me Bone. That baby needs a father and ******* needs a man who loves her. No offense." he said as he braced himself, certain that AJ would begin pummeling him any minute. AJ's breathing was jagged. He was taking deep, uneven breaths and standing so close to Kevin that he could feel AJ's breath against his skin. Much to Kevin's surprise, AJ didn't hit him. Instead, he managed to choke out, "Pregnant?" "Yeah." Kevin replied softly. "Are you sure?" AJ asked with a sigh. "Absolutely! But hey, don't worry about it." Kevin added sarcastically. AJ wasn't the only man angry right now. Kevin was visibly furious. "She's already made up her mind to terminate the pregnancy because she doesn't want to `upset you'. I think that's the way she worded it. That means that you and Sarah are home free." he spit out, the fire burning in his eyes. Without saying another word, AJ just walked out of the room...
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Chapters 11-15
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