CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE:
Tucked far and away from the City of Los Angeles, high in the San Gabriel Mountains, north of Pasadena, was a cabin. It belonged to a deejay in Los Angeles...avery famous deejay who played a major role in the success of the Backstreet Boys in the U.S. You knew OF him, but you didn’t know him personally, however, Wes Scantlin did. They were rivals from way back. You could even go so far as to say that they had nurtured and sustained healthy disdain for each other for a long time. There was, however, one fact neither man would deny and that was that professionally, they respected each other. When you called the station to ask if you could use a week’s vacation, Wes was furious. His exact words were, “Hell, no. *******, I expected more out of you. It’s unprofessional to call up and just want off with no warning." “Then I guess I quit.” you replied sadly. It took all you had to keep from crying. You loved your job and adored the listeners, but you didn’t feel like you had a choice. Not this time. “Come on kid, don’t pull that bullshit. You want a raise? You schedule a meeting, make your case and I’ll see what I can do, but this is kindergarten shit! Get your ass on the plane and get back here. Bailey's having a nervous breakdown…” Wes told you. “WES! This isn’t about money. I love my job. Something’s happened to a friend of mine and I can’t leave now. I need to be here.” you defended. “Who? What? Kevin?” Wes questioned. He knew that it was none of his business, but he deserved an answer and to his surprise, you came clean. You knew Wes well enough to know that he wouldn’t betray your confidence. You told him that AJ was sick and that the guys had commitments and were covering for him. Wes didn’t buy the “sick” excuse, so finally you tearfully told him that you suspected drugs. “What I need to do is get him away and see if he’ll talk to me.” you finished. “Ok, let me make a call. It’s cool *******, I’ve got your back on this. Trust me?” Wes assured you. He had always been a man of his word and if he said it wouldn’t get out, then it wouldn’t. Thirty minutes later, he had driving instructions to the cabin and told you that a courier would bring the keys by AJ's. “You got one week *******. Straighten him out, kid.” “Thanks. I owe you.” you said gratefully. “Don’t think I’ll forget about it either.” Wes teased. “You need to be worrying about the next radio stunt I’m going to make you do…this will be fun.” he laughed. “Oh God!” You groaned. Just before the two of you hung up, you added “Wes, I think I love you. Not in romantic way, or um…whatever…just like a brother." “Yeah well, what’s NOT to love? Hey, I’ll tell Rick you said thanks.” he said. Kevin leaned up against AJ's car and you folded into his embrace. He had so many mixed feelings, but especially about leaving the woman he loved alone with AJ for five days. He loved AJ though and he knew that something had to give before the press found out or even worse, he had a fatal overdose. He was damn lucky this time. “I don’t like this ********” Kevin said softly. “I know you don’t baby.” you sighed as you planted a tiny kiss on his frown. “We need to try though. If this doesn’t work, I don’t know what to do other than to put him in detox. Then the whole world will find out. I tell you, between the weddings and this, I dunno…" Kevin squeezed your tight. “I love you." “I know you do. I especially know it right now…” you smiled and buried her face in his shirt. “If I can’t handle him, I promise I’ll call. I have my cell phone. Did you guys unplug the phone inside?" He nodded. “*******, I don’t like leaving you up here alone with him. I’m gonna be honest...I’m jealous and I’m worried. It’s not that I don’t trust you…I don’t trust what you and AJ had. Does that make sense?” he asked. “I know, and yes it does. Kev, what does AJ mean when he says, 'you don’t understand?' you questioned. Kevin shrugged and shook his head. “Well, I don’t know either, but by the end of the week I’m going to. Something’s so wrong and it’s just killing him. He needs to tell somebody. He’s been trying to tell me for a long time but I was so angry that I wouldn’t listen to him. I owe him this and you guys owe him a chance to get straight. He loves his life and you guys so much...don’t publicly humiliate him by putting him in a hospital. Just give him five more days…” you pleaded. Brian and Kevin left shortly after that with the promise that they’d return on Friday at 6:00 to pick you and AJ up. Kevin looked physically ill, but he remained quiet. As Brian gave you a last hug, he whispered “Be careful ******, and thank you.”
AJ was sleeping when you finally made it back inside. The cabin was dark and musty so you opened the drapes and windows and he growled as sunshine flooded the room. You ignored his protests and instead poured a glass of water and walked to the bed. Holding it over him, you said “Wake up baby. We’re going for a long walk. You need the exercise and the fresh air and maybe you’ll work up an appetite." “Go away. Either get naked and fuck me or fuck off.” AJ hissed. Your jaw tightened as you fought to maintain control. Your voice was terse and monotone when you replied, “Baby, I’ve thrown water on you once and I have no qualms about doing a second time, now haul your fucking scrawny ass up because I’m NOT going away…”
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO:“I’m sorry I yelled at you *******.” AJ stopped and held his hand out to help steady you as the two of you gingerly made your way over a dry creek bed. “Don’t worry about it. I'm sorry I yelled back. You feeling okay? Are you getting tired?” you asked with concern. Ashamed, AJ looked away for a minute, then admitted “Yeah, I am. Do you mind?” You affectionately slipped your arm around his waist. You weren't sure that he had the strength to walk back to the cabin. He looked exhausted. “Nope. Let’s go back and build a fire in the fireplace, then I'll cook dinner. What do you feel like?” you replied. “If I said you, would you get mad?” AJ teased and flashed you a grin. “No, but I’d ignore you.” you shot back playfully. You hugged him and quickly changed the subject. “Kevin and I bought all kinds of goodies at the store. When’s the last time you went grocery shopping with him? Talk about a square peg in a round hole! I get the feeling he doesn’t grocery shop often.” AJ started laughing. “I bought stuff to make fattening comfort food." you continued. "You name it, I got it baby. Mashed potatoes, pot roast, gravy, fried chicken…chili. Of course, it’s NOT your mother’s chili…but I do okay.” you stated proudly. “You're okay” AJ smiled. He kissed the back of your hand as the two of you continued to walk. “So are you, sweetie.” you said. Once you were back at the cabin, you and AJ cooked dinner together and made small talk while you ate. AJ scooted his food around his plate, picking at it, but not eating nearly enough. You teased and cajoled him, trying your best to get him to eat just a little more, but it didn’t work. He said he wasn’t hungry. Finally, you playfully scooped up a spoonful of mashed potatoes and waved it beneath his nose. “What's a girl have to do? Smear this stuff over her privates to get you to eat?” Laughing, AJ assured you that if you did that, his appetite would increase ten fold. Judging by the circles beneath his eyes, what he needed was sleep. “Tell ya what. I’ll do the dishes and you go take a hot shower, okay? Maybe after a good night’s sleep, you’ll feel better. Besides, tomorrow we’re gonna have a talk. Remember?” you reminded him. “I don't know ******, ya know?” AJ objected. “Well, I do. You stink. Go bathe, right now!” you giggled. AJ grinned and mouthed ok and you went back to work clearing the table. Feeling like someone was looking at you, you glanced up to see AJ quietly standing just outside the bathroom door holding his shaving kit and a towel, staring at you. When he realized he’d been discovered, he quickly went into the bathroom and shut the door. He remained in the bathroom for a good thirty minutes. You were positive the shower had been turned off for a while now and you began to get worried. “AJ?” you called out. When you got no response, you tapped lightly on the door and turned the handle. “You okay?" As soon as you took a step in, AJ scooped you up in a bear hug and squeezed you hard. “I love you *******! I can’t believe you’re here, WE'RE here...together. God, I’ve missed you.” he whispered as he began to kiss you. His grip was so fierce that he was hurting you and you tried to wiggle free. “What are you doing? Put me down. What’s wrong with you?” you questioned. “I’m just lovin’ me some ******* ^^^^^^^.” he answered. He lifted you to the tiled bathroom counter, pushing between your legs, and kissing your neck as his fingers fumbled to strip your top off. You managed to scoot away from him, but in the process you knocked his shaving kit off the vanity. You scrambled to catch it before it hit the floor and that's when you saw what was inside. “You brought drugs?” you said incredulously. Instead of answering you, AJ tried to wrestle the shaving kit from you, but you wouldn’t let go, holding it close to your chest to shield it from his grasp. “*******, this isn’t about drugs. I know what I’m doing. We came up here to be alone and to talk. You said nothing about drugs. Give it back.” he protested. You bulldozed your way past him and quickly walked back to the living room, dumping the contents of the bag onto the coffee table. Sitting down, you began to separate his toiletries from his bad habit. AJ's indignation and mounting fury was almost to a boiling point as he stood and angrily watched. “Put my shit back *******.” he hissed. You pretended that you didn’t hear him. “Ok, let’s see. Now, I’m no expert.” You held up a tiny amber vial containing white powder, sealed with a rubber stopper. Holding it at eye level, you closely inspected the contents. “This is probably cocaine. Aah, yep.” You held up a razor blade. “No doubt about it. Cocaine. Right?" Your questions fell on deaf ears. AJ was trying desperately to control his rage as you deliberately baited and provoked him into a confrontation. Next, you picked up a baggy containing at least 100 small white tablets and sarcastically continued, “Considering the sheer number of pills in here, I’m guessing that this is meth…speed…crank…whatever you wanna call your methamphetamines. So, you’ve got two stimulants so far. What did you take AJ? Both?" “Put it down.” he warned. “My goodness. This is like druggie Christmas. Rich little Backstreet Boy can buy lots of dope with his money, huh?" You continued taunting him, daring him to defend himself as you held up a prescription bottle. “Legal? Cool. Let’s see, Patient Name: AJ McLean…good." You squinted as you read the label. "Valium 5mg. Take one as needed for anxiety. Ok. Wait, what’s this?” You held up another baggy. “Quaaludes? Damn AJ,… atleast you have a balanced diet. Two stimulants and two depressants. Well, that’s not true because you like to wash this shit down with alcohol so that’s two stimulants and three depressants." AJ's anger was close to out of control now. How could you be so mean and hateful? He thought that you loved him. As you pulled a mirror from your purse, you shot him a defiant look, then carefully tapped out a small amount of cocaine onto the mirror’s surface. Using the razor blade, you began to separate and fashion lines. “So how many lines do you do?” you asked AJ. His jaws and fists were tightly clenched as he watched you roll up a dollar bill. Bending over and pressing one finger against the opposite nostril, you snorted one line, blinked as her eyes watered, then swallowed hard. “Help me remember, aren’t you supposed to snort water after this?” you instigated. “What are you doing?” AJ questioned. His voice was succinct and pungent. “You don’t do drugs.” “After tonight, neither do you AJ” you replied firmly as you ran your tongue over your already numb front teeth. “Baby, you forget that I went to college and did my fair share of partying. I’m in the industry just like you are, but do I do drugs? No. I choose to NOT do them. I value my health, my family and my career too much to throw it away on this expensive shit. Have I EVER done them? What do you think?" You knew exactly what you were doing. You were deliberately, systematically pushing his buttons and you felt certain that you would either force him into tears or some kind of breakdown. You were totally unprepared for AJ to go ballistic. In one swift motion, he jerked you up as if you weighed nothing and tossed you across the room. His eyes blazed as he screamed and swept everything off the top of the coffee table. “You DON'T DO DRUGS!” he screamed, then turned the table over. Temporarily air-born, you tried to break your fall with your right hand, causing you to catch the sharp edge of a table and slice your hand open. Somewhat dazed and bleeding, you now sat on the floor watching AJ unleash his drug-induced fury on the room. When he couldn’t find anything else to turn over, he picked you back up off of the floor and began to shake you. Certain that he was about to send you flying again, you clutched his hand, trying to hold on. Seeing your blood trickle down his wrist stopped him. “Oh God, you’re bleeding. Oh no, Oh God…” he began to panic. “I’m ok. It’s just a little cut." you assured him. When his tears finally came, they came in gutwrenching torrents. You had never seen any man cry the way AJ was crying at that very moment and tears of empathy welled in your eyes as you held him. “Oh baby, I’m ok. It’s gonna be ok. Just let it out…it’s ok.” you whispered. You wrapped your arms around him, refusing to let go, and showered his face with tiny kisses and whispered assurances of love. When he was all cried out, you helped him pick up the drugs that were strewn about the room and then stood at the bathroom door as AJ voluntarily flushed every last drug down the toilet. He looked at you, his eyes bloodshot and swollen, desperately seeking a sign of approval and forgiveness. Your response was to tenderly kiss his hand and whisper "Let's go to bed..."CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE:As much as you would have liked to blame your and AJ's temporary sexual euphoria on the drugs, you both knew that what happened between you that night was borne from the deep-seeded passion and love you for each other, and although the cocaine heightened your sense of power and mastery, it was not the why and wherefore. AJ was pleasantly surprised by your nipple ring and he asked you when you had taken the plunge, chiding you about spending too much time with him. You refused to lie to him and told him the truth...February 14th. “I was trying to take my mind off…well, you know.” you had explained. Tears welled in his eyes again. You kissed his cheek. “It worked!” you giggled and then groaned. “Don’t EVER have that done. Shit!” He gently fingered the tiny hoop, sending shivers coursing through you. “Guess a clit ring is out of the question then?” he joked. “You guess right. Stop that. It makes me crazy for it to be flipped back and forth." you wriggled. “What? It turns you on?” AJ asked softly. He knew exactly what he was doing. Certain things had NOT changed for him and seducing you had always been at the top of his favorite list. “What about this?” He gently pulled the ring. “Oh God, stop…” you whined. “This?” He began to lathe your left breast, circling your nipple with his warm tongue, deliberately avoiding your piercing. When you began to writhe, he began tonguing the hoop, causing you to grind up against him. “Baby, you need to get this one done” he growled as he paid homage to your right breast with his mouth, still gently fingering your left nipple. You could feel tiny ripples of pleasure taking over. “I hate that you do this to me…” you mumbled. “Do what?” AJ moaned, sliding down your stomach. “You need a belly button ring too." “I hate that I want you so bad. I hate that you can make me cum by just touching me or talking to me.” you replied as you pulled a pillow over your face, muffling your voice. AJ smiled and pulled the pillow away. “I can’t hear you, baby. What did you say?” he persisted. “I said I hate it that I love you so much” you tearfully whispered. AJ crawled back up and pulled you into his arms. “If you knew how much it means to me to hear that, you wouldn’t hate it. Right now, all I want is to touch you and taste you. I want to bury my face between your beautiful thighs and breathe you *******. Every dream I have is of loving you and every nightmare I have is of losing you." he said. He took her face between his hands and kissed you. “What are we gonna do *******? We got all this love." Your only answer was to kiss him back, and AJ greedily accepted the sweetness of your mouth. The kiss you shared was deep and erotic. He kissed you over and over again, kissing your lips and neck…your ears and eyelids. Finally, you softly replied, “I don’t know, but the hurting has to stop. I love you so much…" On that night, you loved each other without reservation and with total abandon. You made love as if it were your last day on this earth, pushing each other to physical and emotional limits and beyond. This was your time. It was time to make sense of the hand life and fate dealt you...time for confessions and tears and brutal honesty. The two of you cried and laughed, but never let go of your love. You were right though. Something had to give. You and AJ had both been hurting for way too long. Your pain took the form of anger, resentment and heart-wrenching solitary mourning for a lost child as well as lost love. AJ, on the other hand, was a very private man whose only solution to his pain was further seclusion made worse by drugs and an almost a hell bent attitude of self-destruction, and if that wasn’t bad enough, now there were two more people whose hearts stood to be broken. The repercussions of your time together could be devastating. The two of you would spend the next four days sorting it out, knowing that the decisions you would make, for once and for all, would have to be concrete decisions. AJ would finally break down and reveal things about his past that would shock and sicken you, but that would ultimately serve to strengthen your love for him. You would finally come to understand his reasons for the seemingly irrational decisions and statements he’d made. However, when it was all said and done, you would still love him. In the end, you and AJ would still love each other.CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR:The next day you and AJ slept late, made love, took a shower, and ate lunch, then you went back to bed and stayed there the rest of the day and night. The intimacy somehow made the talking easier. There was no turning away or walking off because you were lovingly held captive in each other’s arms. Gentle hugs and tiny kisses flowed as freely as your tears. It became almost a game of “you tell me your secrets and I’ll tell you mine.” You started by telling AJ about using drugs. “Most of the time it was just for fun, but honestly, when I’d break up with some guy and get loaded to dull the pain, I would think, 'this is the answer', and that scared me because I sort of liked that zone I was in. I have pictures that were taken at parties were I was stoned and, I swear to God, I thought I looked so good. When I look at those pictures now and see how drugged out I was, I'm embarrassed. It's awful." By doing that, you opened the door for him and hoped he’d step in…and he did. Not all at once, but he did. He confided that up until lately, his experiences with drugs were similar to yours...a party here or there. Usually alcohol was his drug of choice though. Everyone knew that. “*******, I’m gonna tell you something not to make you feel bad, but because it’s the truth. After Atlanta I felt helpless and frustrated because you had every right to tell me off and to tell me to go away. Even though I was breaking up with you for the right reason, I knew how I felt and I couldn’t stand it because I’d lost you. That’s when I started taking Valium.” By the way you were tensing up as he held you, AJ knew you were upset. He gently massaged your shoulders and continued. “One thing led to another and, I don't know.…pretty soon the Valium wasn’t strong enough so I was taking two instead of one. The doctor wouldn’t keep refilling my prescriptions because he said I was using too many, so I started taking them with alcohol to kick it up. Then, one of the guys gave me a Quaalude. Atleast then I could sleep and I wasn’t able to think clearly enough to worry about anything. Like the day you had the abortion...I knew it because Kevin told Howie he was going to be with you. I was so pissed that I just did whatever I could get my hands on to make the pain go away." "I love you…I’m sorry.” you whispered and buried your face in his shoulder. While there was no arguing that Valium and Quaaludes were addictive, you were convinced that AJ's addiction was as psychological as it was physical. His body began to adapt to the amount of barbiturates he ingested and that made him need a certain amount to feel “normal.” Without them, he became even more anxious and irritable. Equally as bad was how they played on his mind. He was terrified of how he felt when he was sober and straight, so rather than face it, he dulled it. “So, where did cocaine figure in…and speed?” you asked, urging him to go on. You kissed his shoulder and rolled away so you could better see him as he spoke. “I don’t know about you, but for me I usually took speed to kick-start myself after partying too much or not getting enough sleep.” you said. “Exactly! God ******, I think you’re the only person who gets this. Of course, you’re the only person I’ve told.” AJ replied. Your voice was sweet and soft and terribly sympathetic. It had to be though in order to best serve what you were about to say. “Why don’t you tell Sarah this? She loves you AJ." “I don't know. We go back so far *******. I mean, she knows so much about me that it scares me, and it’s not like she hasn’t walked out on me before, ya know? She’d find out stuff and get righteous and leave, but sooner or later, she’d need me or I’d need her and she’d come back. Pretty simple really.” he said. You wouldn’t look at him now. You felt uncomfortable, sensing the true affection he DID have for Sarah. Your first instinct was to get mad, slap him, pour water on him…something to strike back. It hurt to hear him talk about her. However, for the first time ever, you sensed that AJ was being truly honest. “In order to get her to marry me, I had to change, and I promised her alot. There’s stuff that Sarah knows about me and that whole mess at Transcon. I know she’d never tell anyone, but she’s walked before when she got her gut fill of the shit. It took a long time for her to get over it and I don’t wanna rock the boat trying to explain you and drugs and the baby. Not now *******. It’s too late." His voice was so sad, and it broke your heart. “I asked you this once before and all you would give me is an ambiguous answer, so I'm gonna ask you again now. Do you love Sarah?” you questioned. You wouldn’t touch him...not now. You just watched as his eyes searched the ceiling, then closed for a moment. His hand trembled and you wondered if he was having withdrawals or if he was simply hurting that badly. You sat up and took a sip of water and offered him the glass. He smiled and took a drink after you. When you turned to put the glass back on the table, he slowly ran his fingertip down your bare back, following the sensuous curve of your spine. It was all you could do to not cry. “I do love her, but it’s so different *******. I know you don’t understand. It’s like when you love your family. It’s love, but it’s different than the love you and I have. I don’t know how else to describe it. I love her and I have to stand behind the commitment I made to her.” he answered honestly. You laid down, facing the wall with your back to AJ. It was impossible to hold back your tears any longer. He spooned up to you, resting his cheek against your back, and alternating a sprinkling of tiny kisses with gentle nuzzling. He knew you were crying. “The love we share is so different *******. It’s funny and passionate, and there are times it’s all I think about. It’s real, ya know? It’s not convenient to love you though, and it’s not easy...it’s so hard.” AJ snaked his arm across you and held you tight against his chest, feeling your shoulders jerk as you fought to control your tears. AJ held you and you cried together. There would be no more talking tonight, only bittersweet lovemaking. It was really the only way your broken hearts could safely travel from reality to somewhere over the rainbow...to that place deep within your souls where there are always happy endings....CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE:It was early the next morning when you woke up. You wiggled and snuggled and soon realized that you were in bed alone. AJ was gone. Your first reaction was panic as you fought to clear the sleepy cobwebs from your mind. The cabin was eerily quiet. You quickly slipped on some sweats and your Reeboks and found your watch. It was only seven-thirty. As much as you wanted to believe that AJ had destroyed all the drugs he brought, you didn’t trust his addiction. You been together every minute though and he seemed ok, a little shaky at times, but ok. Once you were sure that he wasn’t anywhere in the cabin, you quietly went through his things. Thankfully, you didn’t find any drugs whatsoever, but what you did find was a ring. You held her hand over your mouth to stifle your cries. Engraved on the inside of the gold band was: my love ~ my ******* ~ my life. As you made coffee a little while later, you stared out the tiny window over the sink in the kitchen. AJ was sitting on the boat dock at the lake’s edge...just sitting and staring out at the water. Occasionally, he’d pull his jacket a little tighter around him. The mountains, even in Southern California, can be damp and chilly and today was no exception. The sun was doing its part to burn through the early morning fog, but it would still take a while for it to warm up. The lake that stretched before you was still and calm and almost slate in color, reflecting the foggy-gray sky above. Carrying two mugs of hot coffee and an old blanket, you slowly walked to where AJ sat. “Morning sunshine…I brought you something.” you greeted as you gingerly handed him a cup of coffee, then wrapped the blanket around his shoulders. “Do you want to be alone? I’ll go back inside.” AJ shook his head. “No. Sit with me.” He patted the boards in front of him and you sat down between his legs. He was unusually quiet, so you followed his cue and silently watched the mountains around you lazily wake to the new day. Thirty minutes passed before AJ pulled you against his chest, wrapping his arms around you and the blanket around both of you. Taking a deep breath, he quietly said, “*******, there’s alot about me you don’t know." "He’s going to open up to me…" you thought, then lightheartedly countered “Well, there’s alot about me YOU don’t know!" “Like?” AJ asked curiously. “Hmmm, like I eat graham crackers with ice cream!” you giggled. “Try again. I knew that…” AJ said. “How? Did Kevin tell you? I’m going to hurt that boy!” you exclaimed. AJ hugged you. “Yeah, he told me. You ought to know by now that you don’t ever trust Kevin with anything, much less a secret. He’s worse than Nick.” He paused, then continued, his voice barely above a whisper, and so, yet another conversation began. Later that evening, Kevin laid on the floor of your cabin in front of the fire. He could see moonbeams dancing across the waters and he firelight bathed the room in a warm glow of serenity as soft music wafted through the cabin. Even though you hadn’t discussed it, he’d decided it was time to go home. For the first time, AJ felt like you understood where he was coming from and why he did and said the things he did. He did love you. He couldn’t help it. You had the ability to tap into every emotion at every level and make it always seem as if everything would be ok. You could make him laugh and cry and when you did, you would laugh and cry right along with him. Wrapped in your love, he felt safe. Even when he wanted to be mad at you, he couldn’t. There was just something about you that made him love you. You would have his heart forever, but AJ was man of loyalty and devotion. Devotion to his friends and family…and Sarah. She’d stood by him, albeit off and on, but she was there. They say that timing is everything and in this instance, AJ would wholeheartedly agree. Had you walked into his life sooner, you and him would be planning YOUR wedding. Unfortunately, it wasn’t going to happen for you now. Not in this lifetime... He pulled the gold band out of his pocket and looked at the inscription. When he bought it, he had every intention of calling off the wedding and then proposing to you, but he realized now that he couldn’t do that to Sarah. His engagement and relationship was “out there” and world was watching and waiting. She was a good woman and they’d been together a long time. He couldn’t hurt her. In weighing the pros and cons, AJ could honestly say that he didn’t know you. All he did know was that he loved you. Was he willing to invest years to make sure that you were the right woman? He wanted a family and all the bells and whistles that go with happily ever after. He didn’t want to start over with anyone…not even you. Marrying Sarah was the logical, easy conclusion to a relationship that spanned years. It made sense whereas loving you made no sense whatsoever. While you were taking a shower, AJ slipped out and walked down to the lake. He stood for a moment, looking at the water and listening to tiny waves tickle and lap at the shore. Holding the gold band up to catch the soft light of the moon, he read the inscription one last time out loud, “My love~my *******~my life." He closed his eyes and put your ring to his lips, kissing it, then he threw it as hard and as far as he could and waited to hear the heartbreaking splash as it sliced the water’s surface and sank. It was over.
The hot water cascaded over you as you relaxed and relived the past three days. You had accomplished what you'd set out to do, and that was to isolate AJ from the world, dry him out, make him eat, and let him talk. There was never any grand illusion of winning him back. At best, you had hoped for closure and peace. That all changed when you found the ring. For the first time, you realized that AJ really did love you. He loved you enough to put the brakes on a wedding that was only weeks away, and by doing so, he would be held to public scrutiny. For a private man like AJ, that was the equivalent to suicide. In your wildest dreams, you couldn’t imagine AJ ever loving you that much, but he did. You had found the ring to prove it. Toweling yourself off, you slipped on a misty blue spa-length satin wrap, then piled your hair loosely on top of your head, brown tendrils framing your face and caressing the back of your neck. You picked up a pair of lace panties, then opted to not wear them. The only thing that would stand between you and AJ would be the satin tie from your wrap.
Fingers laced behind his head, AJ sat on the floor leaning against the couch. He seemed hypnotized by the fire. When he saw you, his expression changed and softened. Your skin was still pink from a too-hot shower, and the warm glow from the fireplace cast a halo around your golden-brown hair. He took a deep breath, drinking in your fragrance. You always smelled clean and sweet and reminded him of holding babies. “I’m sorry it took me so long. I started daydreaming…” you giggled. “You know, we need wine, but you’re grounded from alcohol right now." “I am?” AJ asked in confusion. You grinned and nodded. “Oops, I knew I forgot to tell you something." As you knelt down, your back lit by the yellows and oranges of the fire, AJ felt his heart melting under your warm smile. He watched your eyes, concentrating on him as though you were seeing him for the very first time. On your hands and knees, you crawled to him, watching the firelight reflecting in his brown eyes. Your mouth tenderly captured his, delicately sliding your tongue across his bottom lip. AJ returned your kiss, his tongue meeting yours and beginning a sensuous waltz. He drew you to him, kissing your neck and sending ripples of pleasure through you. You pulled back and slowly untied your wrap, letting it slip off of your shoulders into a pool of blue satin around you. You never quit looking him. AJ had never been with anyone who loved him the way you loved him. He could see it in your eyes and feel it every time you spoke to him. It was pure unconditional love. He knew he had to stop this right away. He’d already let it go way too far. “What’s wrong?” you whispered, clearly reading his mood change. “Don’t you feel well?" “I’m fine baby. Uh, while you were in the shower I used your phone to call Howie. He and Kevin will be here in an hour or so to pick us up.” He could tell by your expression that you were clearly confused. “Oh.” you said. You just knelt in front of him, stunned. AJ placed his hands on your shoulders. Caressing your bare skin, he leaned forward and kissed you, then softly said “I can’t do this to you *******. I love you too much to lead you on.” You just sat and looked at him. “Maybe you should go get dressed.” He reached for your wrap, but you recoiled and pulled it up around yourself, refusing to look at him. “*******…" You seemed dazed. “Hmmm?" “It’s gotta be like this.” he whispered.
Kevin knew immediately that something happened between you and AJ. Once the reality set in, he couldn’t stand to look at you. You made him sick. How could you do that to him? He’d stood by you and loved you. He proposed twice. You pledged her love to him, told him to not worry about you, and then turned right around and fucked AJ. Kevin had come to the realization that it would always be that way. Always. All AJ had to do was snap his fingers and you would run to him. On the way home, AJ drove. Howie sat in the front and you and Kevin sat in the back. You stared out the window, painfully aware that Kevin could easily read your weaknesses. You were also painfully aware that you had lost AJ and Kevin both. All you could think to do was run to safety..to run home. When AJ pulled from the Ventura to the Hollywood Freeway, you leaned forward. “I’d rather go to the airport. I have an open ticket and I want to go home.” you told him. “*******, it’s too late. Spend the night at my place and go in the morning.” he said. “Please take me to the airport. Please?” you pleaded. Your voice quivered as you fought to control your humiliation. AJ knew you well enough to know that one way or another you'd get to the airport tonight. The rental car had been returned prior to going to leaving the cabin, but if you had to take a bus, you would get there. He reluctantly drove you to LAX. He’d barely pulled into the passenger loading zone when you, carry-on bag in hand, leapt from the back seat. The car was still moving. You never said goodbye and never looked back. You just broke into a trot and then a run. Tears streamed down your cheeks as you bumped into other passengers, crying and apologizing profusely when you did. You weren't running from AJ and Kevin as much as you were trying desperately to outrun your heartache and humiliation. You were a fool....AJ's fool. For a brief time, you could hear Kevin calling to you as he tried to catch up, but you wouldn’t stop. You felt like you'd never stop running. You could hardly see through your tears as you fought to locate a ladies room. Once inside, you found an empty stall and dropped to your knees, crying until you vomited, crying until your nose bled, crying until worried strangers called airport security. You didn’t care anymore. This time, AJ had not only broken your heart…he’d broken your spirit as well. This time, AJ won.© Copyright 2002 All Rights Reserved. No part of this text may be copied or reprinted without the author's permission.
Chapters 26-End
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