to Old Jornadistas

The Confession

A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest cough to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest  then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the  man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies,

 "No use knocking, there's no paper in this one either

Walking in the Mountains

A man was walking in the mountains just enjoying the scenery when he stepped too close to the edge of the mountain and started  to fall. In desperation he reached out and grabbed a limb of a gnarly  old tree hanging onto the side of the cliff. Full of fear he assessed  his situation. He was about 100 feet down a shear cliff and about  900 feet from the floor of the canyon below. If he should slip again he'd plummet to his death. Full of fear, he cries out, "Help me!" But

there was no answer. Again and again he cried out but to no avail.  Finally he yelled, "Is anybody up there? " A deep voice replied, "Yes, I'm up here."
"Who is it?"
"It's the Lord"
"Can you help me?"
"Yes, I can help."
"Help me!"
"Let go."
Looking around the man became full of panic. "What?!?!"
"Let go. I will catch you."
"Uh... Is there anybody else up there?"

Circumcision

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!" "I've been circumcised." "What's that mean?" "It means they cut the skin off the end." "How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old." "Did it hurt?" "You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

A Case of Mistaken Identity

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that  she has another 30-40 years to live. Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, and a tummy tuck. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures that since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might  as well make the most of it. She walks out the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance

speeding up to the hospital. She arrives in front of God again and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?" God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

How can you tell if you are a Latino?

1) If you have ever been hit by a chancleta.

2) If you grew up scared by something called “El Cuco.”

3) If others tell you to stop screaming when you are really just talking.

4) If you light a candle to Virgin Mary on the night of the lotto  drawing.

5) If you use your lips to point something out.

6) If you constantly refer to cereal as “con fleys”.

7) If your mother yells at the top of her lungs to call you for dinner, even if it’s a one bedroom apartment.

8) If you can dance merengue, cumbia, or salsa without music.

9) If you use “manteca” instead of olive oil and can’t figure out why 

    your getting bigger.

10) If you call your sneakers “tenis”.

11) If you have at least thirty cousins, not including loco Julio working at “Don Pipo’s”.

12) If you can’t imagine anyone not liking spicy food.

13) If you are in a five passenger car with seven people in it and a  person is shouting “subanse, todavia caben!”

14) If whenever you feel under the weather, you compulsively dab on some “vapor rub” all over your chest and inside your nostrils.

15) Your mom packs your “lonchera” every day even though you’ve just turned thirty-two.

16) If you call the North Americans “gringos”, including Canadians, and call all Asian people “chinos”.

17) If you just don’t get tired of the so called “sopitas”.

18) If your favorite heroes were “El Chapulin Colorado”, or “Cantinflas”.