The Hardest Thing

Title: The Hardest Thing
Part: 1/1
Pairing: Kevin/JC
Author: Jules
Feedback: Send Here
Rating: PGish
Disclaimer: Besides the fact that I am Nick Carter and witnessed the entire contents of this story on my super duper x-ray video camera from the room next door... it's all made up!
Lyrics taken from 98 Degrees song "The Hardest Thing" found on the 1998 release 98 Degrees and Rising on Motown Records

We both know that I shouldn’t be here, this is wrong
Baby it’s killing me, it’s killing you, both of us trying to be strong
I’ve got somewhere else to be, promises to keep
And someone else who loves me, trusting me fast asleep

"J. I gotta go baby. Damn..." Kevin moaned, his head falling back against the couch. He knew he should go but suddenly couldn’t find the strength to leave. Looking down he smiled, wrapping his fingers into the waviness of his lover’s hair.

"Kevvy...don’t go just yet. I’m not done." Kevin heard through his lust filled daze. It was then he felt the warmth of JC’s mouth around his erection again. "God you taste so good." "More... Josh... More" Kevin couldn’t help but start to thrust into JC’s mouth, feeling the familiar tingle of an orgasm rising in his stomach. JC lifted his mouth off of Kevin’s cock and replaced it with his hand, stroking forcefully. "Damn baby... Cum for me. I want to watch you cum...see how beautiful you are ...how much you like it..." He moaned against Kevin’s chest, licking his way up to the older man’s mouth. Just as JC’s mouth covered Kevin’s and their tongues touched, Kevin came hard, covering both of their chests with his warm cum. "JOSHUA" Kevin yelled, holding JC close as the tremors wracked his body.

When Kevin finally stopped shaking, he opened his eyes to see JC watching him closely, breathing just as hard as he himself was. "I love you so much Kevin." JC whispered licking Kevin's chest up to his jaw. It was Kevin felt JC’s bulge on his leg, evidence that he himself had not cum. Kevin reached over to caress it, smiling at the moan it brought forth from the younger man. He wanted to make JC feel as good as he felt, but the glare from the band on his finger caught his attention. It was as if the light was reminding him of obligations, of his life. He quickly withdrew his hand and tensed under JC’s loving touch.

JC noticed the difference in Kevin’s demeanor, the change in the air around them. "Baby ...what’s wrong?" He leaned up and softly kissed his lover’s mouth, relishing in Kevin’s sweet taste.

"I ... I have to go. I told Kristin I wouldn’t be too late tonight. We’re going away tomorrow." He regretted the look of pain that crossed JC’s face. He didn’t want to hurt him but couldn’t lie. "I’m sorry baby. Thank you for everything Josh." JC watched Kevin’s tall frame stand up from the couch, pulling his jeans back on. The good bye's always killed him. He hated Kevin leaving, going back to her. JC knew he had to be strong, for both of them. He loved Kevin too much to risk getting too needy, too clingy. Kevin liked clean and simple. JC strove to give him that. "Okay baby.. I’ll miss you." Kevin reached down to kiss JC passionately, feverishly even. He didn’t know when they’d get another chance like this and thus, he wanted to commit it to memory. The feel of JC’s mouth, his lips, tongue, hands, his taste. Everything. Moaning, they separated. "I love you." Kevin whispered softly.

"I love you too." JC whispered back, his heart slowly breaking.

I’ve made up my mind, there is no turning back
She’s been good to me and she deserves better than that

Kevin thought long and hard the entire drive from JC’s to his house. He wasn’t sure how much longer he could go on like this. Living this double life. He loved JC with his entire heart, body and soul. JC was his soul mate, his other half. Sometimes it scared Kevin just how similar they were Their love for classical music, composition, playing the piano, producing and having hands on work with their respective CD’s. Sometimes it was amazing just how well JC knew him, how well he knew JC. There was times when all Kevin had to do was just look at JC and knew what he was thinking, what he was going to do or say. He’d found love in the most obscure place, where he hadn’t even been looking. And it was a love like he’d never known before. Sighing Kevin knew he had to come up with some sort of solution, some plan.

He pulled into his garage and Kevin let himself into his house. Their house. His and Kristen’s. He walked up the stairs to their bedroom and walked in, smiling as he saw her curled up with his pillow. She was so beautiful, so peaceful. Watching her breathe, Kevin remembered all the good times they’d shared. All the bad as well. She had been there through thick and thin his entire life. Been his pillar of strength when he was certain he couldn’t go on any longer, but also had grounded him when he was getting too ahead of himself. As she moved and he felt a surge of electricity course through his body, Kevin knew what his decision was. Any question of what he had to do was erased from his mind. Gently he climbed into the bed next to Kristin and curled up with her, spooning her from behind. A great weight had been lifted from his shoulders and he knew what he had to do.

It’s the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do
To look you in the eye, and tell you I don’t love you
It’s the hardest thing I’ll ever have to lie
To show no emotion when you start to cry
I can’t let you see what you do to me
When my hands are tied and my heart’s not free
We’re not meant to be

"What are you telling me Kev?" JC couldn’t keep the panic out of his tone. His entire world was crashing down around him, and he could barely keep the tears at bay.

"I’m sorry Josh. I don’t know what I can say to make this easier." Kevin said, his voice eerily calm and steady.

"Say what’s on your mind. Tell me what is going on." JC grabbed onto Kevin's hand and held it tight, his eyes pleading.

"We... I can’t do this anymore Josh. We have to stop seeing each other. It’s over." Kevin couldn’t even look JC in the eye. He knew that if he did, he’d lose the resolve he’d built up. Kevin never realized how hard this would be. He loved JC so much, but it wasn’t the same love he had for Kristen. It was love, but different love. His heart broke a little more with each tear that dropped from his lover’s eyes.

"But... I love you Kev. You love me. You promised we’d be together forever." As JC heard himself plead with Kevin he thought back to the past two years. It had been two years since their affair started. Granted, they hadn’t started sleeping together until about 7 months into it, but even back then he knew he’d fallen in love with Kevin. They’d known each other through the business. They were mortal enemies, supposedly hating each other. One night at a party, JC wandered into the music room to find Kevin hunched over the piano, playing the most beautiful song he’d ever heard. They begun talking and this started the friendship that resulted in the most beautiful romance either’d ever dreamed of. Kevin was everything he wanted to be, everything he loved, everything he desired. And now he was ripping that out from under him.

"JC" Kevin looked remorseful, as though he was in as much pain as the younger man. But he had to be strong. "I’m sorry. I don’t love you. I love Kristen. You knew that when we started this thing. It was great while it lasted but it has to be over."

JC was hysterical now, the sobbing rendering him unable to speak. Kevin had never called him JC, it was always Josh, and now, as if telling him it was truly over, he called him JC. He’d become completely numb save for the pain. He never thought his heart could hurt this much. "Please Kev. Tell me what I did wrong. What happened? Everything was so good."

Kevin knew he had to get out and soon. Watching JC crumble was hurting him too much. He had to do this once and get it right. He steeled his voice from any emotion and spoke. "JC. It’s time. We knew it wasn’t forever. Let’s just remember how good it was and move on. No need to dwell on the past."

The past. The past? He’d already moved on. Just like that. JC couldn’t believe this. He had to be hallucinating because this wasn’t his Kevin. His loving Kevin who would sing to him softly. Who knew every inch of JC’s body like JC knew every inch of his. JC looked into Kevin’s eyes and realized he didn’t recognize the person there. Gone were the beautiful expressive green eyes full of love and compassion. They had been replaced with cold, steely gray eyes. Eyes that held no love, no compassion. JC focused on that and stood up, wiping his eyes. "If that’s how you want it Kevin."

"It’s how it has to be." Kevin’s voice matched the ice of his eyes.

"Fine. Good bye. But know this ...think about what you’re doing here. You can’t take this back. Once we cross this line, once your decision is final, you can’t go back." He held on with one last chance of hope. Hope that Kevin would realize the weight of this moment and change his mind.

"Joshua... I’m sorry. I really am." Kevin felt his heart break at JC’s next words.

"Fuck you Richardson." JC took one last look at Kevin and turned, slamming the door as he left the room, further punctuating the decision that Kevin had just made.

He waited until he heard JC’s car pull out of his driveway before Kevin broke down. His whole body shook, trembled, his breath came short. It was like his whole world had come to a halt. He knew he’d done the right thing, but at what cost? Kevin knew he’d never love anyone how he loved JC. The younger man held a special place in Kevin’s heart, an untouchable place that would forever remain in darkness now. He curled up in a ball and cried the hopelessness he felt out of his body. Cried for the look on JC’s face as he told him he didn’t love him. Cried for the way he knew JC was feeling right now, because he was feeling the same thing. And cried for the fact that JC believed all the lies he’d just told him. That JC now thought Kevin was a heartless bastard that cared for no one except himself. The truth was Kevin would rather have done anything than hurt JC. But he knew that in the long run this was for the best, it was the only way things could have been done. JC would move on and find someone that deserved him and his love. Kevin was not that person, he didn’t deserve someone as special and beautiful as his Josh. Four hours later Kristen came home finding Kevin in that exact position. His face stained with the tears he’d cried for a love that could never be.

I know that we’ll meet again, fate has a place and time
So you can get on with your life, I’ve got to be cruel to be kind
Like Dr. Zhivago all my love I’ll be sending
And you will never know, cause there can be no happy ending

Kevin walked into the room and surveyed the mass amount of people milling around. It was the biggest party Jive had ever thrown and anyone who was anyone was there. Smiling, he held onto his wife’s hand tightly and pulled her towards the bar. "What would you like baby?"

"Kevvy... You know I can’t drink. Don’t want to hurt the baby." Kristin replied kissing Kevin lightly

Just as he was about to reply a voice cut through his thoughts. A voice he’d know anywhere. A voice that still haunted his dreams from time to time. It had been over a year since that night, but Kevin remembered as if were yesterday. He turned as he heard the all too familiar laugh of his lover. His Joshua. Once he was facing the direction of the voice his green eyes met the familiar crystal blue that he’d longed to see. His breath caught and his pulse raced. And just as he was about to smile, he saw anger in those eyes that once held nothing but love for him. And anger that was not only justified but expected. Kevin knew he had been a prick, but he had to. He was too weak to tell JC the truth. That he was scared of what he was feeling. That he might want to spend the rest of his life with him, another man. Turn his back on everything he’d been taught, everything he believed. If he made JC hate him he knew the younger man would stay away, thus removing all temptation. Kevin wouldn’t have been able to push JC away a second time, so he had to make sure he’d done it right the first time. As JC stared at him with contempt, memories flashed through Kevin’s mind. Memories of days spent in hotel beds, only slipping from the covers to use the bathroom or answer room service. Memories of nights they’d held each other and cried for the reality of the situation, for the hopelessness of the world. And mostly he was wracked with memories of how it felt to be completely connected to Josh. Emotionally, spiritually and physically. Knowing that in Josh’s arms, basking in his love was where he was destined to be.

Kristin’s voice cut through Kevin’s thoughts. "Baby. Are you okay? You look pale."

Kevin watched JC stand, look at him one more time and walk towards the patio.

"Everything's fine sweetie. I just have to go and talk to someone for a second." Kevin leaned down and kissed his wife, smiling at the love and trust he saw reflected in her eyes.

"Okay. I love you."

"I love you too Kris."

Kevin followed JC out onto the patio and found him leaning over the railing, looking down at the ground below. Before he could say anything JC spoke. "Why are you here?"

"Jive party... We were invited." Kevin was taken back at the hardness in JC’s tone.

"No Kevin. Why are you here? Out here, right now! What are you doing here?" He turned around to face Kevin and felt his stomach react. He hated himself that after the past year, after everything he’d suffered, Kevin still elicited this type of reaction from him.

"I... I.." Kevin didn’t know what to say. He expected the anger, welcomed it actually, but it was still overwhelming. JC had never spoke to him this way.

"You what? Do you enjoy watching me suffer? To know that you still affect me after all this time? Does this make you feel better?" JC couldn’t stop the tears that were threatening and he began to tremble. "Because if you do then congratulations. You must feel like a big fucking man now."

Before Kevin realized it, he was crying too. "Josh. You have to believe that this isn’t what I wanted. It’s what had to be done... I’m so sorry for hurting you. If I could erase the pain I would... But it had to happen." He too began to tremble, and braced himself on a nearby table so his legs wouldn't' give out.

"Don’t feed me this bullshit Kevin. We could have made things work. You just didn’t want it, you didn’t want me. You said you didn’t love me, I wonder if you ever really did. You don’t know what love is." Suddenly JC stopped crying and straightened up. He wiped his eyes and took a few calming breaths.

"That’s not true..." Kevin began before JC cut him off.

"I don’t want to hear it Kevin. Spare me whatever it is you’re going to say. Nothing you say will ever mean anything to me again. I can’t believe anything that comes out of your mouth. I did for 2 years. Two years I believed your lies of love and honesty to me. Never again."

Kevin sighed, his heart breaking even more. He couldn’t believe that after a year it still hurt this much, the wounds were still this fresh.

"I hear Kristin’s pregnant. Congratulations." JC said, looking over Kevin’s shoulder, his voice devoid of emotion.

"Thank you. We’re very excited."

"Well I know how much you wanted children. You’ll be a great father."

"Thank you."

They stood there in an awkward silence until the sound of the patio door behind Kevin broke it. "Josh... Is everything okay baby?"

Kevin felt the air get sucked out of his lungs and his stomach churn suddenly. He was afraid he was going to throw up, or cry. Or throw up and then cry. He watched JC’s face turn soft and tender, a light turning on in his beautiful blue eyes.

"Yeah Lance. I’m fine. Just talking to Kevin." A look passed between the two men and Kevin realized at that moment what it was like to feel everything crash down around him. To have his heart broken as he must have done a year before to JC himself. He turned to look at Lance and saw a cold look of contempt aimed at him. Kevin realized JC must have told Lance what happened and the animosity was still apparent.

"If you need anything baby, just let me know."

"I know. Thanks sweetie. Love you."

That was the final straw for Kevin as he realized that it really was over. JC had found someone else, he’d moved on. The differences between himself and Lance was not lost on Kevin though. They were complete opposites and he wondered if that was a conscious decision on JC’s part. "So you and Lance?" Kevin asked, his breath coming short.

"Yeah. It just came out of nowhere. He’s been there for me for so long, even before you and I got together. When I came out he was the first person I told and always stood by me." Kevin saw the way JC’s eyes glazed over as he talked about Lance, a sign of true love. "And then when you broke my heart, he was there for me. Held me at night when I cried, stood by me during the day when I wanted the world to end." He looked at Kevin with a look of indifference on his face.

Seeing JC this happy without him hurt Kevin. He knew JC would find someone, but the finality of their relationship rocked him. "I’m happy for you Josh. I just want you to be happy."

"Well I am." The steel was back in his voice, his only defense against this man who meant so much to him.

Kevin and JC looked at each other, neither knowing what to say. "We’re not friends. We can never be friends." JC said, matter of factly staring Kevin right in the eye.

"I know." And Kevin did. That was the worst part of it all. He’d lost a friend he cherished so deeply. Before anything else, they had been friends and that is what Kevin missed the most.

"As long as you know that. I can’t be friends with you. I’m sorry." JC took one last look at Kevin and walked past him, returning to the party where Lance was waiting patiently for him. Waiting to make sure that he was okay. In a way, JC should have thanked Kevin for showing him what he was missing this entire time. He deserved to be number one in his lover’s life, not second best to a wife. Although JC loved Kevin with his entire heart, Kevin couldn’t return that love, because part of his heart belonged to another. With Lance it was different. They could be open, public, not afraid of who saw them. This is what JC knew he deserved, but it didn’t make the hurt any less. So in that, JC did what HE had to do. He took the love he felt for Kevin and locked it away to a spot in his heart that would forever be hidden. He took the experience with Kevin, the memories and decided he’d use them to his advantage. What doesn’t kill you will only make you stronger, and this has certainly made him stronger. Made him able to look inside himself and realize that he was worthy of pure love, honest love, a love that was for him and him alone.

Kevin sat down in a chair on the patio and sighed, suddenly exhausted. This was it, the closure that he knew they both needed. It was time to fully let Josh go, to try and begin to be happy for him. He had a beautiful wife that he loved, a child along the way and the life that he’d always dreamed of. He’d lock his memories of time with Josh away for nights when he was brave enough to dig them out and look back on them. Look back on what could have been, but wasn’t. He had to admit though, he thought that seeing the look on Josh’s face as he told him he didn’t love him was the hardest thing he’d ever had to go through. He was wrong. Seeing the look of love on his face when talking to Lance was a million times harder. That look used to be reserved for him and now it was for another. Kevin knew he had no right, but the small twinge of jealousy burned a hole in his heart. As many times as he told himself that this was the way it was supposed to be, that he’d made the right decision, he always wondered what it would have been like had he chosen the alternative.

He got up and walked back into the party, his eyes immediately searching for Kristin, his love. He spotted her and smiled, waving to let her know he was all right. He then found where JC was sitting and saw him comfortably with Lance, looking happy and relaxed. Knowing that his former lover was happy eased some of the pain he was feeling. It would be a long process but Kevin knew a day would come when the pain would be gone and JC would be left with nothing but happy memories of the two. They may never be able to be friends again, but that wouldn’t tarnish the fact that the two men would never fully stop loving each other. He’d given JC a small part of his heart, and no matter what JC was convinced of, he did love him and could never fully stop.