I'd been sitting completely motionless on my couch for the last half hour or so.  I had stopped crying awhile ago, realizing that my tears were useless. 

"Why Brian?" I whispered aloud to myself.  I looked around the room, as if trying to find the answer.  My eyes settled on a photo that was lying on top of my TV.  I slowly walked over to it, and held it in my shaking hand.  It was a picture of Brian and me.  It was pretty recent, only a couple of months ago.  Brian, Nick, and I were really bored so we decided to take pictures of each other.  I hate having photos taken of me… but as Nick was about to take Bri's picture, he grabbed my arm and dragged me into it.  Brian has this wild smile on his face, and I look completely surprised. 

I heard the front door opening, knowing it was Nick.  I only gave him and Brian keys to my house, and Brian wouldn't be here.  However, I didn't bother looking up… I continued staring at the picture, smiling to myself because Brian looked so happy. 

"You're not helping yourself, Col," Nick mumbled, throwing down his keys and slowly walking over to me. 

"I'm not trying to help myself," I said sadly, placing the picture down and turning to face him.

"I would ask if you were alright, but I know you're not."

"No, I'm not alright.  I'm never going to be alright," I whispered, feeling myself starting to cry again.

"Shhh, sweetie, don't cry," he pleaded, pulling me into his arms for a hug.

"How am I supposed to live without him, Nick?" I asked, still captured in his hug.

"I wish I could answer that, but I just don't know," he sighed, leading me to the couch.

"I love him so much Nick - he's my best friend… and I lost him."

"I know this isn't any consolation, but you got me."

I looked up at him for a second, quickly wiping away my tears.  His eyes were begging me to stop crying… I knew he couldn't handle people crying. 

"You have no idea how much that means to me, Nick," I replied, giving him a small smile.

"Yeah, but Brian thinks of me as his replacement.  Col, I know I can't be what Brian was to you… or what Brian still is to you," he said, shaking his head sadly, "But I'd like to try."

"No, you can't ever take Brian's place.  I'm sorry," I mumbled.  He nodded, looking down to the floor.  He didn't think I saw that, but I did… I saw the hurt look on his face when I said that.  But I had to be honest… he could never take Brian's place.

"Nick, I -"

"Don't worry about it, Colleen," was he all could bring himself to say.

Silence filled the air, as I sat there peeling nail polish off of my nails.  He nervously chewed on his lower lip. 

"Look," he finally said, "Nothing has to change between us.  We're still friends, right?"

"Of course we're still friends," I replied.

"Good.  I really wish I could help you with Brian, but he's just too upset right now.  I don't think me talking to him would do any good."

"I know he meant what he said.  I could tell by the seriousness of his tone, and the troubled look in his eyes."  I clenched my eyes shut, and could see Brian standing there telling me that we couldn't be friends anymore.

"Col?  You ok?" Nick asked.  I opened my eyes to see his concerned expression. 

"I'm fine," I murmured.

"Are you sure?"

"Nick?"

"What?"

"I'm sorry," I said, looking directly into his eyes.

"About what?" he questioned.

"Everything."

He nodded his head slowly, fully understanding what I meant by 'everything.' 

"Col?"

"What?"

"I'm sorry too."

I gave him a strange look, "About what?"

"Everything."

"You didn't do anything, Nick."

"Yes I did.  I couldn't let you and Brian be happy.  I couldn't just back off.  I couldn't just let you and him be together.  I had to interfere… I had to make you feel bad for me," he shouted, running his hand through his hair in frustration.

"You didn't make me feel bad for you."

"I did," he shot back. "I basically forced you into saying that you loved me.  I wouldn't just accept the fact that you wanted to be with Brian, and not with me."

"You didn't force me into anything.  I did love you, Nick."

Nick's View

I felt my heart drop to the floor when she said, 'I did love you.'

"I mean, I still love you.  It's just -"

"A different kind of love," I interrupted.

"Yeah," she replied. 

"Listen, I better get going," I finally stated, after there had been an uncomfortable silence, "Are you going to be ok?  Do you want me to stay?"  I was secretly hoping she'd want me to stay.  I wanted to hold her, and tell her how much I loved her.  But it wasn't the right time for that.

"Nah, go home Nick." 

"Do you need a hug?"

She shook her head 'no', so I quickly got up to leave.  I took a quick look at her, noticing that she had started to cry again.  I would've gone back to sit with her, but I knew she wanted to be alone.  Besides, I didn't want to let go of the tears that I had been fighting back since I got here. 

Just the other day… just the fucking other day… she had told me she loved me.  I remember it clearly.  We were sitting there and she told me she loved me, but she wanted to be with Brian.  I'd basically accepted it.  But what I don't understand is if she really did love me… how could those feelings just disappear a few days later?  She knows she will never be with Brian now, so how come she can't be with me?  Or was she lying when she said she loved me?  Maybe she really did feel bad for me, and maybe she never really loved me.  But then why the hell did she sleep with me so many times? 

"What the fuck did you do to me Col?" I mumbled to myself, pulling into my driveway.

Brian's View

I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel like total crap.  I'd also be lying if I said I didn't regret everything that had just happened.  I knew that by ending things with her, I was preventing myself from the pain that was sure to come somewhere along the line.  I'm not going to deny the fact that I still love her, because I do.  I don't think a feeling as strong as love goes away.  But maybe, with time, the love I have for her will slowly go away.  Maybe I'll even fall in love with another girl. 

I shook my head sadly, realizing that that just wasn't going to happen…

Colleen's View

I don't know why I let Nick leave, because I really needed him right now.  It's not only the fact that I had let him walk out… but it's the state I let him walk out in that bothered me.  He was clearly upset about something, and I knew that something had to do with me.  I picked up the phone and quickly dialed Nick's number.

"Hello?" he shouted into the phone, after a few rings.

"Hey, it's me," I replied, happy to hear his voice.

"How are you?" he asked, his voice softening up a bit.  "Or should I not bother asking that?"

"I'm better than I was before."

"That's real good to hear, Col."

"Can you come over?" I blurted out.

"You want me to come over?"

"Yeah, I need you.  I'm sorry I let you leave before, because I didn't want to be alone.  I wanted you to be with me," I replied.

"Alright.  I'll be there in a few minutes."

"Thanks so much," I grinned, hanging up the phone.  I laid my head against the wall, smiling to myself.  I thanked God for Nick…

Nick's View

What are you doing, Nick?  I'm setting myself up for disaster.  I'm gonna go there, and she's gonna cry about Brian.  Then she'll tell me how much she cares about him, and I'll sit there and hold her hand.  I'll tell her everything's going to be alright, and she won't believe me.  Then she'll ignore me, and I'll leave… broken-hearted as always.

I pulled up in front of her house, running up the steps.  I slowed down, not wanting to look so eager. 

She opened up the door before I had the chance to knock. 

She gave me a small smile before opening the door and letting me in.  I could tell by her face that she hadn't been crying for awhile.  Her face was pale, but she still looked so beautiful. 

"Thanks for coming.  I treated you like shit before, and I'm so sorry."

"No problem.  I know you didn't realize."  I took a seat on the couch, and laid my head in my hands.  I didn't want to look at her.  I was afraid of what I might do.

"Nick, sweetie, you ok?" she asked, plopping down next to me and forcing my hands away from my face.

"Fine," I mumbled, turning away from her glance.

"Something's wrong."  She cupped my chin, turning my head so that my eyes could look directly into hers.  "Tell me what's wrong, Nick.  I'm sick of crying about Brian.  I can't just drop the fact that you look incredibly sad."

"What you said before, really got me thinking," I muttered, pulling her hand away from my face.

"What did I say before?" she asked, scrunching up her eyebrows.

"Well it's not exactly something you said.  It's just something I thought of."

"Tell me."

"I started to think about us.  You always used to tell me you loved me.  But did you ever really love me?" I asked.

"Yeah of -"

"Not like that, Col.  I mean as more than a friend."

"I know.  Yeah, Nick," she answered, brushing a strand of hair out of my eyes.

"What about right now?" I pushed, hoping I wasn't taking this too far.

"It's hard right now, Nick.  I have Brian to think about, and-"

"Please Col… for one minute just forget about Brian," I interrupted.

"What are you asking me?" she stammered.

"I'm asking if you love me now…"

She nervously played with her hands, staring at the floor as if it were the most interesting thing in the world. 

"If you're taking that long, than I guess I know my answer," I mumbled, getting ready to leave.

"Wait," she pleaded, grabbing my arm.

"What?" I snapped, angry that she was torturing me like this. 

"Yes," she said, slowly.

"What's that supposed to mean, Col?"

"Yes, I love you."

"What kind of love?"

"That kind of love," she laughed.  I nervously laughed, still not sure if she was just saying this to make me feel better.

"Prove it," I said, firmly.

Without hesitation, she cupped my chin in her hand, and slowly brought her lips to mine.  It lasted only a few seconds, and she pulled away.  Normally I would have started kissing her again, but I didn't want to risk anything.  She loved me, and I believed her… like I always do. 

"Do you believe me?" she asked.

"I don't know, Col," I murmured.  I did believe her, but I didn't want her to know that just yet.  I don't want to seem like the gullible Nick she knows so well. 

She gave me a confused look, before shaking her head knowingly, "I understand."

"It's not that I don't trust you, Col… because I trust you more than anyone.  But you go back and forth between me and Brian so much.  What if tomorrow you wake up and decide you love Brian?"

"That won't happen this time, Nick," she replied.

"Can you promise me that?" I asked, hopeful she'd say yes.

After a long pause, she took my hand in hers, and stared intently into my eyes.  "Yeah, Nick, I can promise you that."  She was telling the truth… I could tell by the way she was holding my hand… by the way she was looking at me.

"I believe you," I grinned, gently stroking her cheek.

"Good," was all she could manage to say.

"Col?"

"Yes?"

I already knew the answer to the question I was about to ask her.  She loved me, yes.  She wanted to be with me, yes.  But we couldn't be together.  She was way too interested in fixing things with Brian.  Us getting together would make Brian upset, and it would make it a lot harder for Col to try and repair things with him. 

"Yes?" she repeated, growing concerned.

"We can't be together, can we?"

"No…" she mumbled, sadly.