WHITE

WHITE

        I have always been dreaming white dreams. I was dreaming of flying through the immaterial and pure white of the clouds, that white that I wished to dress up in… And sometimes, when sitting on the grass, knitting crowns of white flowers, a moon-like white unicorn was coming to lay his head on my lap.
        I hate snow, I have always hated it, but in my dreams I had learned how to love it. I was forgiving it for everything because it was so white and pure, because the falling snowflakes were melting away on my eyelashes, adorning them with millions of mirrors. With half-closed eyes, I was always seeing in them the same white, infinitely multiplied.
        I used to love that white from the old dreams that I dreamed, imagined or lived, and I wanted it to be mine, to dress me up in light…

I don’t remember if it was for real, or also in a dream, the night when I understood that I had to forget it. The only thing I know is that I would like to wipe that night away from all the calendars of the time or of the dreams, as nobody, never to be touched by its cold breath again.
The wound is healed now… but the scar hurts sometimes, those nights when the moonlight reminds the white of the forever lost dreams… And only the thought that I have sacrificed them for love can be relief to this exhausting pain.

        But one of those deep nights, the unicorn came back again. I think I had never noticed how black and deep his eyes were… but were they really like this, or it was only me who was seeing everywhere the color of the night that was haunting me?…
        He told me that he had come only to tell me good bye, before leaving my dreams for good. This good-bye was hurting me up to blood, I would have done everything for him not to leave, but I knew it was actually nothing I could do to stop him. I had chosen things to be like this, that is probably why everything was hurting me so much, the more it was hurting as I knew I deserved suffering, the more it was hurting as I knew I had no right to hurt.
        I put my arms around his neck hiding my face in his silky mane since I couldn’t bear seeing the silver tears running from his eyes. I wish I could have cried in waves, but no sound came out of my frozen lips. Only later, I barely whispered “Please forgive me. For the love’s sake…”
        I stopped, not recognizing my voice. I tried to say something more, but he didn’t allow me to go on.
        “For the love’s sake, you should have me, not lose me. I will come back the day when you understand it.”
        Then he disappeared and I fell deeply asleep, like dead.

I have barely opened my eyes in the morning, and the effort of lifting my earth-like heavy eyelids was rewarded only by a gray sky. It had snowed over the night and everything was white like in my lost dreams. I knew it was the unicorn’s good-bye… but I also realized that the white can neither be driven away, nor forgotten, nor killed, that the spring flowers, the foam of the sea waves and the moonlight will always be white, and I knew that every winter, the snow that I hate would fall again, punishing me with all its immaterial silver for daring to want to kill the Endless White, The One That Can Never Be Killed.

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