Guidelines for Professional Wrestler-Wannabes


November 18, 2003

Every wrestler must have a silly gesture to rouse the crowd into fervor. The crowd will then be duty-bound to pretend to be ecstatic rather than amused to prevent any further embarrassment on your part.

Always act like you have been gorged by a bull or flattened by a bulldozer even if your opponent did not touch you.

Do not actually hurt your opponent unless the script calls for some blood-letting.

Never kick out of a pin until the second count. However if the referee is distracted or unconscious, pretend to be in a deep coma yourself.

If you keep a beard or goatee, do keep it trimmed to prevent tickling your opponent when he holds you in a headlock.

Never interact with spectators unless it is someone planted by the federation.

When executing a schoolboy pin, make sure you tug your opponent's trunks backwards, not down.

In a main event, you must let your nemesis kick out of your signature move no matter how invincible it is purported to be, and vice-versa.

If you are not going to renew that expiring contract, negotiate for a loser-retires match to go out in a blaze of glory.

Brush up your ringside commentary skills. You never know when a long-term injury may afflict you.

Never, ever, jump on a fellow wrestler backstage unless the "attack" is scripted and a camera crew is filming.

Once you put on that pair of trunks you will be empowered to leap out of the way of any speeding Rolls Royce meant to run you over.