What a truly compassionate response on your part. It is
far wiser to err on the side of compassion than
harshness and judgment. 'Blessed are the merciful for they shall
obtain mercy." Mt. 5.7. Although I never had the desire to be Stewart's
princess or close companion, I know of many sisters that would have loved
that place. (the names will not be mentioned in order to protect
the innocent).Those who were more seriously damaged gave over their will
to St to a greater degree. I always hesitated to fully trust him.
My very first impression upon
meeting him was, "Who is this nut? Is this the Stewart everyone has
been talking about?" When saved only a few months I recall making
a rather intuitive comment to him. It went like this, " I think at
the end of the day you must go home and laugh at us kids behind our backs.
You must think what stupid kids we are for listening to you." His
reply, which I will NEVER forget..." Even if that were true, it wouldn't
make Jesus any less real." Isn't it just like St not give one inch
of himself personally. No reassuring answer such as, " No Darlene,
I would NEVER do that. I have a responsibility to God as the shepherd
of this flock. I am accountable to Him for my teaching and life's
example. I take this position VERY seriously." After that,
I was always hesitant to trust him. Often I can recall a strong inner
voice screaming inside of me, "Something about this is VERY wrong!"
I was surprised at the depth of loyalty
my husband had toward St. He often said St was like a father figure
to him. Now you must understand one thing here. John actually
had a close relationship with St. and received his total support
when starting the Reading, Trenton, Scranton, Bingington, and Buffalo fellowships.
It wasn't till MTC started that the relationship was one of total humiliation
and ridicule toward John. I remember John reacting with shock and
disappointment. He would never again be in the good graces of St
although he tried desperately. If John had been given the place Jimmy
G. had, I have little doubt he would have carried out St's harsh measures
as well.
When I moved to Allentown as a "lamb,"
I shared a room with Gayle Gillespie (Traille). We were both very
young and impressionable. She was only 17 at the time. Her job was
secretary and she carried out this responsibility very seriously.
Even then I think St had his eye on Gayle.
After all, Shirley (his current wife) showed little promise of
being such a devoted secretary. She was too busy trying to raise
5 children under very difficult circumstances. But then, that's ANOTHER
story for another time. I often attempted to raise a laugh from Gayle in
those days, by telling a joke or being light hearted. She would
lightly admonish with a quote from scripture. My response was one
of nonchalance. I knew that God accepted me for who I was, totally
and completely. The freedom I experienced in Christ was completely
opposite of my experience prior to my salvation. I hated myself then
and felt I could never amount to anything. Right after I prayed to
Jesus for His forgiveness, I was filled with such confidence and joy that
I knew was verification of God's reality to me! I didn't want ANYONE
to take that from me. I have wondered from time to time why the Lord
was so merciful to me in COBU. I also wondered if others heard the
voice of the Holy Spirit speaking to them as I did. The day I arrived
at the MTC became a turning point for me. After I climbed the 4
(maybe 5) flights of stairs with my suitcase and young toddler in my arms,
(received absolutely no help from anyone), I came upon a huge room which
appeared to be the residence of vagrants. A starry-eyed sister came
bounding up to me with smiles and outstretched arms.
While still clutching suitcase in one hand and baby in
the other I stated, "I know this is where I'm going to store my things
(having noticed the heap of belongings nearly up to the ceiling), but where
am I going to live?" Ha Ha, the clincher. Her response with
such sincerity was, "Why Darlene, you're going to be living right
here with all your brothers and sisters!" Yikes!! I almost blacked out!
My reply..."Oh no, this can't be...let me sit down for a moment."
So I placed my suitcase on the sooty, wood floor and sat down, baby still
in arms. Just then something happened to me which I can only describe
as a complete spiritual experience. It seemed as if I was removed
from that dirty, crowded loft for a period of time which I am unable to
comprehend. All sounds and voices in that loft ceased. I was
taken to a different plane of existence. Then I heard a voice as
clear as a bell, not from within me but from outside of me. It spoke
to me firmly and kindly saying, "My Spirit no longer resides here."
Then as quickly as I was taken I returned to the dirty surroundings.
I was again back at the loft. I looked around in amazement wondering
if there was someone standing near who had whispered these words to me.
Had anyone else heard what I had heard?
But there was no one even close to me. Then I realized
what had happened. The Lord had spoken to me. He was warning me.
I had to keep my guard up. So for three long years I pondered this experience
within my heart, telling no one, yet holding on to the hope that
some day I would leave NEVER to return again.
I don't know why many others weren't
warned. But it is not for me to occupy myself with things beyond
my human understanding. I believe God will reveal 'why' to
me in Glory. For now it is enough to trust that He works differently
with each child of His. So I cannot be resentful toward Jimmy G.
because of his wrong actions or anyone else. The truth be known,
I am no longer resentful even toward St. He is and will be accountable
to God for all of his deeds. That is good enough for me! And
who knows whether or not even he may repent. None of us have dibs
on the future.
Yes indeed, forgiveness is always the
best option. I learned that from reading "The Hiding Place."
and other such writings of Corrie Ten Boom. Only our Father from
Heaven can bestow upon us true forgiveness
which we are able to extend toward others who have deeply harmed us!
Glory to His Name
Forever!
Love In Christ Jesus,
Darlene
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