Previous rantings

12.00am, Tuesday, 16th of September, 2003

Not much to be place here, apart from the pictures from Tom, Wiley and Norton's party. It was good.

Apart from that, I'll try to update my LiveJournal.

6.30pm, Saturday, 6th of September, 2003

Okay, I've officially slipped into seldom updating. Oh well.

Well, I've now been enticed into the ownership of a LiveJournal for the purpose of ranting, so that should continue there.

So I guess I'll use the page for specific features, such as:
Dan and Jolyn's birthday party pictures!

I think that's about it.

6.00pm, Thursday, 17th of July, 2003

Not yet a whole month since my last update. Going strong, oh yeah.

Parties, parties, parties. Mandi's 22nd was two weeks ago, then Heapha's was last week. Yesterday I went to the ceilidh (essentially a Scots party, dancing and so on) with the lasses from the Ayrshire Fiddle Orchestra.
Had two of them, Fiona and Lorna, staying at the warehouse over the last four days. Nice lasses.
After the ceilidh I asked whether they'd been introduced to Tim-Tams yet. When they replied with "what's a Tim-Tam?", I dragged them off into the night in hunt of a packet.
Leaving the supermarket with six packets (two double-coat, two caramel, one choc-fudge, one original), they said they didn't want to go home yet, so I took them over to my friends Tom and Julia's place, where we all sat around until almost one am. They seemed to enjoy themselves, even though I did then have to take them back so they could get up in the small hours this morning to get to the airport.

And in three weeks there's English billets coming for more of the same. Should be amusing. Wonder if I can manage to always have billets around? That could be amusing.

Then this afternoon I went and got the key off Kristen and Kane to their place, as Norton and I are going to drop in and house-sit for them this week.

Life is odd right now.

Must away, wonderful people.

11.00pm, Friday, 20th of June, 2003

Wow.

Looking back at my last entry, one thing particularly grabs my attention: "Only just over two weeks since last update. May get the hand of this regularity thing again."

I laugh in my own face. Ha!

It's been a somewhat crazy few months. We've closed the cafe, moved all the stuff elsewhere; my friends Norton and Rachel broke up, Norton's staying with me at the warehouse; I'm looking for a job; Con*Descending ran nicely, though with only a smallish turnout; My love-life's got no less confusing.

Positive thing: Tommorrow morning I must get up at the crack of dawn to head into town, so I can catch my 7.00am Hogwarts Express and get my copy of the new 'Arry Po'er book. Huzzah.

I am officially crazy. I'm already running two linked games (Worlds Apart: Super Solutions and Reign of the Diamond) and am - as stated some time ago- starting Satanata Mutandi. However, now I am considering starting a FOURTH (or FIFTH if you include the Australia game).
The idea of Worlds Apart: Shores of Eternity has been rattling around for a while, but I'm getting keen now.

I'm also keen for the idea of Worlds Ahoy, based in the early 1600s, probably in the courts of Britain just after the Scottish have taken England over. An interesting time to live, no doubt.

Then of course there's my ideas regarding a Street Fighter / Eurovision Song Contest crossover, but that's another story.

Why can't life just let me run crazy games as a job?

Furthermore and much more seriously, why can't life let me love in an uninterrupted fashion?

Goodbye, wonderful people. Sleep well.

3.20pm, Thursday, 27th of March, 2003

Only just over two weeks since last update. May get the hand of this regularity thing again. Remains to be seen.

Happy and confused. Helping a friend find love distracts me. Well done me. Hope that works out for them. Assuming they're both interested. If not, then hopefully hearts will not be too shattered. Because we've seen how painful that can be.

Worlds Apart going along famously. Berlin is turning out WILDLY different from either of the proceeding games, despite having only people who've played in the former. It's been really interesting to see how differently a story can go in the same setting, with the same "collaborative authors", just by having completely different characters.
The Fourth Game: Worlds Apart - Satanata Mutato, is slated to begin soon. My players seem relatively eager, Chris most of all it would appear. Hopefully I can rev the others a little more before we begin. How could you not get excited about the prospect of playing the part of Catholic Priests? I ask you!

Jenn and I went to the Bens Rock Over Australia concert at the Enmore Theatre.
It performed as named.
I'd not particularly known Ben Lee before that, so he came as a reasonably pleasant surprise, though probably the weakest out of the three. A tad shouty, but otherwise not bad.
Ben Kweller, my only familiarity with whom being a cursory listen to his album "Sha Sha", was entertainingly stoner-riffic, appearing as out of it as his leisurely Texan drawl suggests. I was particularly amused by his version of "Ice, Ice Baby"
Lastly, Ben Folds (for whom we were particularly going) was his usual charming self. He pianoed out his usuals and, in addition to a duet version of "I touch myself" with Ben Lee, he improved a delighful honty-tonk piano version of "Purple Haze" at an audience-member's request. He confessed that he only knew the first verse, but hammered it out with great aplomb.
Similarly, the trio engaged in a rousing chorus of "Skater Boy" (to which they knew only the key phrases of the chorus), performing it admirably. The four original compositions the band had put together were all quite good and sufficiently compelling that I purchased the concert EP. In particular, the demi-Rammstein-esque track "XFire" is of special note. Rockin'.
I pronounce this event: Tops (Four-and-a-half Huzzah!s)

Anyway, I must away to the city. Farewell, beautiful people.

2.30am, Tuesday, 11th of March, 2003

I had a really nice, entertaining evening tonight. I went to Grace's, helped her cook dinner and we sat around, watching crap TV and talking until about an hour ago.
Apparently (and this is according to the Vodka-enhanced superminds of Grace and myself, so you can take it as gospel), Fact is crap. In partial reference to the fact that it was only today when I had "High Concept" explained succintly, and recognised the flavour of the medium (such as is), I began the conversation and we came to the conclusion: Fact=Crap.

"Reality has become a bibliography of fiction", me, a couple of hours ago. If only I could always be so brilliant. This and Pairs, my true gifts to the world. I'd like to claim Worlds Apart as a true gift to the world, but it reaches too small an audience and is thoroughly audience participatory, much more so than an awful lot of other games.
I think I'm allowed to feel pride at three in the morning, when my self-doubt has gone to bed. I can respect some of my own achievements when I'm addled. Have to remember that. I'm quite pleased at how it's going. People seem to be having fun. That, as has it always been, is the point. I'd love to be able to claim that I am making a statement, but no, really I'm just telling part of a story to get a response that satisfies.

I love my friends, I love my hobbies. All I need is to perform a socially-acceptable life-sustaining activity (ie get a new job, presumably) and stop being so lonely, either by resolving my need for a girlfriend, or (MUCH better option, leaving me not scoured of emotion) getting a girlfriend. I have indeed realised that I operate far better, emotionally, with someone. I'm not exactly dependant, more that I want to make someone feel special and have them make me feel the same way. I've always been cooperative and, despite having very poor self esteem, still feel I deserve love.

I feel soppy.

Why do I keep getting crushes on friends? Shouldn't I have learned that it either goes nowhere or makes things awkward?

Bah, can't stop yourself from loving. And I love my friends, that's why they're my friends. Then, people I go out with are people I've then Fallen in love with. It does seem to be a process. Not mutual exclusivity, as many people claim is the case for them.

Just seems wrong to me. If you aren't friends with someone, AS WELL as having whatever ether-stuff from which "romance" is hammered, what's the point? How can you be with someone whose friend you wouldn't become?

Seems fucked to me. But apparently that's how a lot of people operate. So once again: Fact=Crap.

11.00pm, Friday, 7th of March, 2003

Updated Worlds Apart. Including the Europe page specifically.

O-Week is going pretty well this year. Sutekh's already got around 160 members. I am pleased.

Saw Solaris. Pretty good. Very trippy. Desparately makes me want to play System Shock 2 again. And see the film "Lifepod".

I am, overall, happy about my life but confused about my heart. Well, actually I know what it feels and wants, but not its destiny. I have my eye on someone, but, again, don't know if they're actually interested in me or just friendly.

Sigh.

4.00pm, Tuesday, 18th of February, 2003

Whew! Managed to get in before a whole month since my last update. Yeah! Keeping it fresh! Take THAT, laziness.

Also on the laziness, I've been excercising again, so that's a good start.

I had the most insane craving for Mama's Kitchen pasta a few days ago. For those of you not "in the know", Mama's Kitchen is a reasonably dodgy cheap pasta chain. CHAIN of pasta places, I tell you!
I sated my desire.
I made a full recovery.

Been such a long time since I updated Worlds Apart, it doesn't even mention the hiatus of the Australia session. I shall fix that.
It REALLY needs updating. Hoo boy.

5.30pm, Friday, 24th of January, 2003

Good afternoon, all you crazy fools who actually visit the page. Been a few weeks, but I'm still alive, so it's a start.

Well, I balled up all my courage and spoke up about my feelings.

Didn't go well.

"Not really, sorry" is a very hard thing to hear, especially after you've put all of your bravery into a single expression. However, it does demonstrate that I HAVE the courage and am not doomed to cowardice forever.
It is, of course, not the result I had hoped for, but it is the one I feared, sans the laughing and the pointing.

As I say, still alive. Now my worry on that front is that I may have established an uncomfortable situation, just about the last thing I want. However, in time it may be more comfortable, as at least now I don't have a half-secret pushing against the back of my teeth, struggling to get out.

Been watching a large number of movies, of late. Trying to see some of the things on my "List of Movies I Want to See". Not the most creative or dramatic title, but what can one do. Sadly, a fair few of the movies on my list are still overnighters, so I've been burning through the older fare, renting six weeklies at a time.
Interestingly, every time I go to the video store, I find a bunch more things I want to see but that aren't on my list. Last week I got

• "Road to El Dorado" - Fun little movie, the main characters remind me far too much of Al and Pike, couple of guys I know
• "3000 Miles to Graceland" - More Elvisses than man was meant to have!
• "Donnie Brasco" - Mob-riffic action
• "Bad Moon" - Half brilliant, half atrocious werewolf film
• "Saving Private Ryan" - Mercifully un-schmaltzy for Spielburg. I approve
• "Curse of the Jade Scorpion" - Truly great Woody Allen 40s-esque film

Of those, only Road to El Dorado, 3000 Miles to Graceland and Saving Private Ryan were on my list. I didn't even manage to find time to watch Donnie Brasco before I had to return the films, so I re-rented it with five others:

• "Falling Down"
• "Cyrano De Bergerac"
• "Phenomenon"
• "The City of Lost Children"
• "The Thing"

Of these, only the City of Lost Children had been on my list. But the others are all looking good.

Went and saw "Chicago" in preview on Wednesday with Nichi, Charlie and Jess. I really enjoyed it. Well done adaption. Good cast. Nicely choreographed. Fun all round.

Anyway, I should get my shopping back to the warehouse before my milk goes off, so I'm off.

4.00am, Monday, 6th of January, 2003

This is crazy. I've actually been updating this page, if only to rant.

As you may have noticed, it's middle of the night ranting action a go-go here again. It is of course thanks to not having something to be doing in the morning.

I like to think I've learned enough from my relationship with Mandi and its subsequent break-up to say that I've grown as a person. It's helped my confidence, at least a little.
Saw her this afternoon. Or yesterday afternoon, if you will. We had lunch and wandered around Newtown before retiring to her house. It was weird, but pleasant. We seem to have reached some sort of unspoken agreement that we are able to move on and remain friends.
Now I have to get her a Christmas present or I'll feel guilty about her getting me one.
Sigh.

There are parts of me that still desparately want her back, but they've been significantly outvoted by other, more sensible parts.
And other (even more powerful) parts that have been directed in a certain other direction since Mandi's and my split.

I wanted to leave that movement for at least a month after the split, to try and avoid rushing into it on the rebound. I have no intention of hurting ANYONE because I went "I'm so lonely, I need affection." and jumped into something for that. That time came and went on the 9th of December. It's nearly the 9th of January.
I'd weighed things up and decided I should do something by the New Year, because that was a good waypoint. New Years came and went. I had spotted no ideal opportunities for expression during my 22 day window I had set my self. In three weeks, I couldn't find a good time.

Which is of course, because I'm scared.

In neither of my relationships was I the instigator: Asha asked me out and things went from there. Mandi expressed her interest in me first. It would appear that I'm pretty damn good at the parts AFTER the "getting together" part. From there I can get things going really well, it's just that first hurdle I have to cross. I am reasonably lost as to exactly how to go about it.

When you are the recipricator instead of the instigator, you can be assured that you shan't be rejected out of hand when you ask them out, as they came to you.
There is no such luxury in this case. I don't know if she has any interest at all.

Rejection is one of my worst fears. That's some scary stuff. But the point is, I can't be afraid forever.
I have to talk to her, tell her how I feel. Otherwise I'll end up shelving the whole idea as something I'm too cowardly to go through with and going onto a life without courage.
Again.

I need to talk to her. Preferably by the 9th, which means I've waited a month past my "rebound buffer" time.
Somewhat dubious logic, but hopefully it'll help me actually get out what I need to say.

Friday, 3rd of January, 2003

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I'm pleased to be able to say that I have definitely lived into the new year.

Christmas was great. As I mentioned last time, my family and I spent it in a nice Hotel far enough away from home that it didn't feel completely stupid but close enough that we could get to our Boxing Day Two Towers engagement. Pressies were rather good. Reasonably chuffed to now have my own PS2, if only as a DVD player (probably the way I'll use it most).
Christmas Eve, we'd not really planned ahead for dinner and didn't get hungry until quite late, so we cruised out to look for a bite. Naturally, nigh all was closed. We kept driving for almost half an hour before turning around to settle for crappy fast food. I looked across the highway we'd just turned around on and realised we'd gone so far that I was staring at my friends Rob and Vickie's house. An awful long way away.
Considered dropping in, but thought better than barging into people's houses at eleven at night on Christmas Eve.

Two Towers was, as expected, good fun. Not much more need be said, it all has been already.

The time between Christmas and New Years flashed by like a minute and all of a sudden I was helping run a party, then I was playing RapiDoh (like Pictionary, only with playdough) and discovering we'd got so wrapped up in that so much that it was already ten past midnight. So we trundled out to watch the fireworks and got tired of that within a couple of minutes.
I had a great time.

Which is of course largely because I was with such great people. Nichi, Charlie and Jess are wonderful, they've been really good to me, especially over the last month or so. Tim and Emma came, which I was pleasantly surprised by, thinking Tim was still in Vietnam. Christa came, though he left at about eleven, which I thought a tad strange, but eh. Grace made a showing, which was good, as I hadn't seen her outside her work in far too long. Charlie's architecture friends were notably absent, bar one who arrived very late in the game.

Anyway, I'm off to have a picnic at the beach. You're all beautiful.

Monday, 23rd of December

Almost a whole month since my last rant and things are significantly different, though not really better or worse per se.
I stayed at Olivander's up until midway through last week and am now installed at the warehouse. Hasn't been too bad staying there, especially after the arrival of the pedestal fan, it gets pretty stuffy in a place with ONE window.

Chamber of Secrets was great fun, unsurprisingly. Nichi and Charlie convinced me to read the books (of which they have all), so I filled some of my time burning through the whole set. A thoroughly enjoyable series, very easy to read. It was definitely a good thing for the time, as I just wasn't in the right head-space to continue reading "A Clash of Kings", even though it's a great book in a great series. Couldn't engage with it sufficiently at the time, so Harry Potter was a good break from that.

In regards to my comments of last month, about Mandi, turns out I may have in fact been wrong. I'd based a lot of my reasoning on her history of burning bridges with great efficiency and ruthlessness. I'd forgot to factor in that I'd taken care to build ours out of non-flammables. She's confused and has apparently been regretting our break-up. It has brought home to me just how much harder the whole thing has been on her than me.
I don't know what to do about the whole situation, because it reopens the question of whether I would get back together with her, given the option. Naturally it is made no easier by my interest in a certain other person, name ommitted to protect the innocent. But on the other hand, my endeavours in that direction are made more difficult by not wanting to hurt Mandi. This is the first time she's even considered going back on breaking up with someone, on the grounds that she still has feelings for me. I don't want to send her mixed signals and break her heart. That would be cruel and I do still love her, even if a romantic relationship is no longer a viable option. I have no intention of harming her.

Went and saw Die Another Die with my Spycraft group. Great fun. Many explosions. Cool gadgets. Gratuitous Halle Berry. What more could one ask?

Having assumed that Mandi wouldn't be coming back to Worlds Apart in the wake of our break-up, that left only a single character in workable fashion. Consequently I started up what has been jokingly referred to as "Worlds Apart: The College Movie", based upon the characters being college students. It is not as wacky as the title would indicate. But it is going well.

However, Mandi is apparently NOT intending to give up Worlds Apart. She just wants to go on hiatus for a while. So I'm looking toward planning an Australia session in the holidays, so that Josh and Jason can play, bringing the playable characters back up to a more reasonable four. Hopefully that will be managable and fun.

I need to update the Worlds Apart pages.

The Sutekh Christmas games party was small but entertaining, running from Midday to Midnight. Board games were played, dinner was had, friends pestered me into sorting out my love-life so they could feel better about not being able to restart their own (thanks a heap, Marc and Josh). They are, of course, right, I do need to tell her how I feel about her, if only because she deserves to know, irrespective of whether she feels the same way.

Tomorrow is Christmas eve. I'll be in a hotel, eating food that not a single member of my family had to lift a finger to prepare. Then presents. Then Lord of the Rings on Boxing Day.
I may have been too pessimistic when I said things weren't better. They are in some ways more complicated, but they are better.

I love all my friends. Happy Holidays to all. I hope all get brilliant presents that your friends can afford. Welcome to the end of 2002. Heres to 2003 being full of love and life.

Monday, 25th November

After various complications, I am apparently meeting up with Mandi this evening. To talk about stuff. Not entirely sure what.

Mostly I just want to know she's okay and show her I'm doing okay.

Such a solid week: Tommorrow night kicks it off when I (hopefully) will get my fantasy game swinging again, Wednesday I'm off to the Tempest, Thursday I'll be seeing Harry Potter, Friday should see me at James' 21st and Saturday's the housewarming at the Belltower (the house of my friends, Princess, Lloyd and Dave). Busy, busy, busy.

Maybe I'm just trying to mask depression. It's hard to let go of something that you worked two years to set up the way you like it. But it IS over.
This is Mandi I'm talking about. Even if she decided she'd made a huge mistake, she wouldn't go back.

So much stuff that needs sorting out. At first it just felt like our lives were too tightly intertwined, but I'm starting to think maybe it's just that I don't have a life to call my own anymore. I'd been living at Mandi's for more than a year and a half. But it's always really been HER ROOM. I just lived there.

As I've said previously, I've got a bunch of people looking out for me, so at least for a while it's not physically a problem. But I really need to feel like I belong somewhere. Tentative plans to move out with Marc and Andrew, but Marc's bound into his lease until next year, Andrew's still living with Mandi and frankly, I need a bunch more money before I can seriously consider paying sensible rent.
Which means I need another job.

Then again, at least for now the warehouse is available and soon so will the flat Mandi and I were going to move into. I could still live there as a "swinging bachelor". It might be just a tad uncomfortable, with associations of what could have been.

I still have the awful dread that seeing Mandi might bring back all the feelings I had so strongly two weeks ago. I think she may feel the same way. But I don't think we should continue to avoid each other.

I have a long list of things I need to do and stuff I need to retrieve from Mandi's once I have somewhere to take it. There's so much stuff that's ours, rather than hers or mine, though. Guess that's something to discuss this evening.

Worlds Apart ran reasonably on Sunday. Hopefully I'll muster the strength for the large update that's required.

Saturday, 23rd November, 2002

Short note to say that I've updated my DARK, UNNAMED CIRCLE of friends page, for various reasons.

Thursday, 21st November, 2002

Well, it may have many powers, but apparently my depression is not so resistant to challenge that it cannot be punched in the jaw to bring it down, then kicked repeatedly in the small of the back until it can only beg for mercy and crawl away.

Now I am just sad rather than depressed. Helping Marc deal with his depression and having many friends to talk to has been a HUGE help with that.

I've been staying in lovely Lilyfield. Nichi, Charlie and Jess recently (as in, last week) moved into a house together. I've been staying there under Jess' hospitality.
That's also been fantastically helpful, as in addition to having a huge excess of affectionate, loving, boyfriendy kind of energies, I also have a glut of domestic energies. Being around "Olivander's" (it has been dubbed thus. All my fault.) has been a great focus for that, helping them set up their new home.
So good to feel useful as well as supported. The idea of any of the relationships with my friends being ones in which I was exclusively taking sickens me so much.

Went and saw Theatre Nepean's "A little like drowning" on Tuesday night. Mostly because Nick was in it, I'll admit, but it was a good little piece of theatre. I'm off to see The Tempest (also with Nick in it) next Wednesday.
Tonight however, I'm off to see Hot Shoe Shuffle.

My car should be finished its repairs now, so I can pick it up! Having been semi-homeless (Absolutely NO way I could deal with going back to live with mum, at least right now. I love mum dearly, but I just can't deal emotionally with LIVING in this house right now) AND without my car for most of the last week has made things quite surreal. It's felt occasionally like I'm sixteen again, with nowhere to go that has no associations with my lost girlfriend and no way to get anywhere else. Creepy.
It has meant I've been walking a fair bit, though. That's been good.

Chamber of Secrets opens next Thursday and I'm going. Not a massive fan myself, but I loved the first film, very well put together. Almost Asterix and Obelix-esque in its multi-aged layering. I have great hopes for the second film. I'm also excited about the sheer "eventness" of the occasion. Going with a bunch of people of varying ages means I get to sit amidst a swell of perspectives, feeling them all perceive it in different ways. Looking forward to it.

Hmm, now that I look at my "friends" pages, they REALLY need an update. Not sure when I'll be able to do that. We'll see.

Sunday, 10th November, 2002

First update in a LONG time. Since May in fact. Been busy with many things. Not least of which spending time with Mandi. That's no longer so, she broke up with me yesterday. Somehow I've gone from boyfriend to friend in her view over the last couple of months.

It hurts.

10th May, 2002

Updated the Worlds Apart page, but still can't figure out the new Vurt one. Oh well.

Friday the 21st of December (four sleeps 'til Xmas)

Well, the Worlds Apart page has been updated for a couple of days now but I hadn't got around to the front page until now. So here it is.

We now have another new housemate: Our third Chris in a row, Christabel. She's settled in quite nicely now.

Xmas looks like it's going to be spent in Bateman's Bay this year.

Well, that's all the excitement I can think of now, hopefully there's more to come. Later.

2pm Friday the 2nd o' November, 2001

Finally got around to updating the Worlds Apart page, after about six weeks.

Once more we're looking for a housemate, as Kris has to go back to Newcastle. At least she found out before the lease was signed. Ah well.

Today, perhaps, my car will come back from the mechanic. Fingers crossed.

The afternoon, Wednesday the 19th of September

Well, i finally got around to the update for Worlds Apart that was due LAST week. Naughty Benj. And it now appears that the plane in Philadelphia wasn't brought down by external forces, but by the passengers rising up to beat the shit out of the terrorists. Sadly they got their balls back AFTER the pilot was killed so the plane still crashed and burned, but still, this holds a little hope for humanity. The other three planes worth of people were apparently too scared of a small bunch of guys with stanley knives. Ah well, nothing that can be done now.

But today is a record breaking day for me: It is now my thirteen months with Mandi, which now makes this my longest romantic relationship. Naturally I am pleased about such and I'm celebrating (with Mandi even!). Not sure what we're doing yet, but hopefully it'll be fun.

Finally figured out the problem with the Absurd Notions Link and got a superior banner, which you should feel free to peruse.

Wednesday, two pm, 12th o' September

The most super-esque event in my known history occured yesterday evening. By now everyone should know about the "lots of planes whacking into stuff they oughtn't to whack crisis" in New York, Pennsylvania and Washington. The World Trade center is rubble, thousands are dead and the Pentagon is burning.
My theories: