"They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never be peace in the Middle East.  Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and no creatures survive except a few microorganisms, the  microorganisms living in the Middle East will continue to try to kill each other."

"A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a nice person."

"Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance, dummy."

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog and the dog will give you this look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'

"If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?"

"Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?"

"Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?"

"If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?"

"Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?"

"If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?"

"Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?"

"Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe.
    Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it."

"Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?"

"War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left."