GodCo

TIME Magazine- The Interiew

TIME: Well I'll start by thanking you two for coming out today.
Josh: The pleasure's all ours, any form of self-promotion is ok by us.
Elliott: Yep, and Playboy is my favorite newmagazine.
TIME: We're TIME Magazine.
Elliott: Damn...
TIME: What inspired you to create GodCo, the world's leading producer of biblical merchandise?
Elliott: I'll take this one. Inspiration is a funny thing. Kind of like tacos. Ever wonder where they got the shape for tacos? I know I do.... every day of my life. Of course, things like this have their downsides. I'll never be able to ski again.
TIME: Amazing. Truly amazing. Now GodCo has garnered worldwide attention and quite a bit of controversy. How does one react to such notoriety?
Josh: Two simple words- Screw you.
Elliott: I don't understand it. Apparently God isn't offended... He would've told me by now. And even if He was pissed, it tells me He's pretty insecure for a superior being.
TIME: Words of wisdom.
Elliott: You damn right.
TIME: Ever feel the alphabet isn't as complete as it could be?
Josh: Absolutely! I pondered the very same thing my entire life. We need letters like "ch" (pronounced chee), "dh" (ding), "ph" (port), "sh" (shoo), and "th" (eth). And on the topic of the alphabet, why don't countries use a metric clock if they use a metric measuring system? Seems like a half-assed job to me. Well, screw them. Soon GodCo will own Europe and most of Asia. And we claim all rights to all land on Neptune. And we plan to own the first "City-on-a-Cloud." We'll call it, "GodCo's ticket to taking you 2 miles closer to Heaven."
TIME: So growing up, living between two competeing fast-food joints. Was that tough on you?
Elliott: Of course it was. One place would have their burgers at 99 cents, the other would be 2 for a dollar, I couldn't understand. I was the bastard child of Colonel Sanders... it almost drove me to the edge. But that's all behind me, now. I'm a land-based synchronized swimming teacher for a local organization. But seeing all those orphans... God dammit. No really... where is that bastard? Stop being lazy... I know where you live! You can't beat me! Haha.
TIME: What's with the goofy smile?
Josh: Genetics.
Elliott: And really... what happened to Crystal Pepsi? That stuff just kinda vanished. Can we switch places? I feel like interviewing you.
TIME: Uh...
Elliott: What's with that goofy smile.
TIME: I'm really paid to interview you guys...
Josh: And we're paid to do this interview. So what's the problem? So have you ever been to a local GodCo retailer? Seen the webpage? Ordered a Jesus Jellyfish recently? Married? Had sex? Ever? What's with that smell you're giving off? Ever had a rectal examination to check for prostate cancer? That's the leading cause of death among males 24-57, you know.
TIME: I, um, pardon?
Elliott: This seems like a good opportunity mention my prostate. I have an excellent prostate. Hear that ladies? I'm so un-impotent.
TIME: ...
Elliott: When did you first hear about masturbation? I mean, it seems like something everyone knows... but they gotta hear it from someone else, right?
TIME: I understand you've begun a bid for the Presidency.... of this country. Any thoughts?
Elliott: All the time.
TIME: About your Presidency?
Elliott: Well, I'm obviously qualified for the job... I have a working prostate. And you'd rather see me in the Whitehouse than Gore or Bush, right? There is a problem, however... I'm not on the ballot. This is where you come in. Kids... tell your parents... parents... talk to yourselves. I am your write-in for President. And as God as my witness (and potential voter), if I am elected, I'll make each and every one of you my Secretary of Agriculture. God bless America.
Josh: He truly is the man for the job. And after he is elected as President and me as vice-President, we will make the nation's official religion Profitism, in which we make money off of your faith. Just kidding. Heh heh heh. We mean the other kind of profit of course. Those who speak the future. We want all of the profits of the world to unite and tell us we're gonna take it over.
TIME: So, in closing, is there anything more about yourself you'd like us to know?
Josh: My penis is bigger than yours.
Elliott: Oh, he's just trying to give himself a big head. I would like to leave this interview knowing one thing, that myself, Elliott, and my associate, Josh, can die knowing we've spread the word of God... and his marketability. Ricky Martin can't touch this guy.