Gradual Love

Son Goku fiddled with the collar of his dress shirt, looking at himself dubiously in the mirror for the sixth time in the last hour. He wasn't sure why he had to wear such a weird-looking outfit -- ChiChi called it a "tuxedo" or something, and when he'd complained, she just laughed at him. He had told her he didn't like wearing such goofy clothes, but ChiChi just giggled and kissed his cheek, telling him he was handsome and shouldn't worry.

Goku frowned sullenly. He put up with a lot of silly stuff to do with this wedding, but he'd been assured by many people that it would be worth it. Yamucha, in particular, had elbowed Goku repeatedly in the side and told him to wait until the wedding night -- "After that, you'll forget all this junk, believe me!" -- but Goku wasn't so sure.

"Hey, hey, hey!" Kuririn called jauntily from the doorway, "Don't you look cool, Goku! Man, I wish I looked that good in a tux!"

"You can have it," Goku muttered, turning to face him. Kuririn was dressed in a white tux similar to Goku's, though he looked much more comfortable in the formal wear than Goku felt. "Why do we have to have this wedding, anyway? I feel so embarrassed!"

Kuririn laughed, clapping Goku on the shoulder. "If you weren't, I'd be worried about you, buddy. Are you nervous?"

Goku blinked. "Why would I be nervous?"

"I dunno. I just thought most people got nervous at their weddings."

"Oh," Goku shrugged indifferently, glancing down at his friend. "Well, I'm not."

Kuririn tilted his head to one side, and one eyebrow lifted curiously. "Hey, what's the matter? You look like you're having second thoughts."

Goku bit his lip, and he turned away from Kuririn. The former monk was his best friend in the whole world, but he didn't know if he was quite ready to admit his problem yet. Even someone as understanding as Kuririn probably wouldn't get it -- Kuririn liked girls a lot, and had even told Goku he was jealous of him. He wouldn't understand if Goku was hesitant about marrying ChiChi.

"Goku . . ." Kuririn jumped up onto the dresser, perching on the edge and swinging his feet. "You . . . you love her, right?"

Hey, how did he guess? Goku wondered, panicked. Did ChiChi know, too? How many other people had figured out his secret?

" . . . right . . .?" Kuririn repeated, then his eyes widened and he grabbed Goku's shoulders, shaking him. "Goku! Answer me!"

Goku hung his head, feeling more ashamed than he ever had in his life -- and he didn't know why, exactly. He couldn't help it if he didn't have feelings for her, could he? It wasn't like he could make them or something . . . "No," he mumbled, drawing his lip between his teeth again. "I don't even know what love means. But I" -- he felt fear squeeze his heart, and he looked at Kuririn, frightened -- "I don't want to hurt ChiChi. I like her a lot, but I don't think I love her."

"Oh, wow," Kuririn echoed softly, letting go of Goku's shoulders. "Well, I wish I could help you, bud, but I don't know any more about love than you do," he eyed Goku suspiciously, shifting his position on the dresser. "Are you sure you don't care about her, though?"

"I never said I didn't care about her," Goku argued quickly, not wanting to sound like someone who was really mean and nasty. His whole life he tried to help people and be nice, but this time he didn't know what else he could do. "I just said I don't love her. She's a really good friend, but . . . I don't have the same feelings like she has for me."

Kuririn fell silent for a few seconds, then he blew out his breath in a sympathetic sigh. "Well, that's too bad for ChiChi, 'cause I know the girl's crazy about you. Bulma says she never stops talking about how wonderful you are. You must be pretty good at pretending if she hasn't guessed by now."

Goku sniffed miserably, feeling almost like he was going to cry, though he knew he wasn't. He never cried -- but he came close, this time. "Yeah. I just don't know how much longer I can do this. People aren't supposed to marry their friends. They're supposed to marry people they love!"

"I know, pal," Kuririn rubbed a hand across his bald head in frustration, looking angry that he didn't know how to help. "Hey, wait. How do you feel about her? Are you sure you don't like her even a little?"

"What?" Goku scratched his head, confused. "Of course I like her!"

"Goku . . ." Kuririn's voice was politely condescending, and he shook his head. "Goku, Goku, Goku . . . I don't mean do you like her, I mean, do you 'like' her?"

Goku started to say "What?" again, but didn't. He had long given up trying to distinguish between the various nuances of words. He understood the difference between sleeping with someone and "sleeping with" someone, but he didn't know what the big deal was between liking and "liking." He sure had a lot to learn about this love stuff, and he wasn't sure if he'd ever figure it out.

Kuririn must have caught the look, for he smiled crookedly. "You don't get the distinction, huh? Well, lemme' try to explain it a little . . . do you ever . . . uh . . . feel different about ChiChi than you do around other people?"

Goku thought back to the previous weeks, when he and ChiChi would sit on Kinto'un or the roof of the house, watching the stars or the moon. He remembered the two of them lying together in the tall grass, pointing out the different shapes of the clouds. He thought of the way ChiChi would look at him sometimes, that sent his stomach doing that fluttery thing again, and the feeling like mice were running up and down his spine. He thought of her kisses, which, just recently, started to mean more to him than just another action like talking. Or the way she would snuggle up to him at night, and he all of a sudden felt warm and . . . and . . . nice, somehow.

"I . . . guess so . . ." Goku said slowly, pondering. "My stomach gets all weird sometimes. It's like I'm really, really hungry, 'cause it squirms and jumps around, but sometimes it happens after I've just eaten, and I know I'm not hungry again."

Kuririn brightened at that, and he pounced on the piece of information like a cat on a mouse. "When does that happen?"

Goku related all the instances he could think of, telling Kuririn of the looks ChiChi gave him, or the spontaneous hugs when they were alone. "And with kissing and stuff, I used to not like it," he felt his face turning red, and he wondered why that was happening. Maybe it was because he'd never talked about kissing with anybody but ChiChi. "I mean, it was nice, but I used to feel really guilty that it meant so much to ChiChi and I didn't feel anything at all."

He paused, trying to find the right words. He'd never realized how hard it could be to voice certain feelings -- Goku had never had trouble before, having always been a very frank person, never afraid to talk about how he felt. But suddenly it was like someone had built a wall between his brain and his mouth, and the words were having trouble climbing over it.

"But the other day, I was eating supper and I complimented her on her cooking. ChiChi's a really good cook. And she smiled at me, and I got that funny feeling again . . . and I knew she wanted me to kiss her. ChiChi gets this look when she wants me to do that," Goku explained for Kuririn's benefit. "Her eyes get all sparkly and she stops talking and just stares at me. She always wants me to kiss her or hug her when she looks like that.

"But I couldn't," Goku balled his fists at his sides, not noticing Kuririn's alarmed expression. "I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't pretend. I was going to tell her . . ." he glanced up, confusion dancing in his dark eyes like leaves in an autumn wind storm. "But she didn't give me the chance. She was sitting next to me at the table, and she just grabbed my face and kissed me."

"She'd kissed you before, though, hadn't she?" Kuririn looked puzzled, as though he couldn't picture ChiChi not being affectionate with him.

"Well, yeah. But not like that. That time she kissed me really hard, and she did some stuff with her tongue," Goku laced his fingers together, staring at his knuckles. He didn't realize the embarrassed flush that crept to Kuririn's face -- all he could think about was the kiss. "And I was thinking, 'Oh, ew, her tongue is inside my mouth', and I almost told her to go away, but . . ." Goku waved his hands around in the air, and he stared at Kuririn helplessly.

"I don't know what happened, but all of a sudden I liked it," Goku knew he must sound stupid, but he couldn't help it. He was confused. Why would he like someone's tongue in his mouth? It didn't make any sense! "My stomach was - was turning somersaults, almost, and my whole body went tingly, and I couldn't move. ChiChi came and sat on my lap and kissed me for a long time. And I just sat there feeling weirder and weirder and weirder, and I don't understand any of it . . . I was so confused I couldn't even kiss her back, but I don't think she noticed."

Kuririn whistled softly, giving Goku a look of admiration. "Well, good for you! It sounds like you do have feelings for her, and they're getting pretty strong. What are you worried about?"

Goku scowled, wishing he could just put Kuririn inside his head so he could understand without Goku having to struggle to find the right words. "It's not the same. My body liked it, and it likes to go funny sometimes when she's around, but my head stays normal. As soon as we were done kissing, my brain started thinking about how I shouldn't have done that, and that I let ChiChi take advantage of me, and I should tell her everything . . ."

It was no use, though. Goku didn't have a large enough command of the spoken language to properly express what was going through his mind. It was absolutely tormenting, for his mind and his body to be in constant conflict with each other all the time. He rested his elbows on the dresser and plopped his face in his hands, feeling miserable.

"I don't understand what's happening to me," Goku groaned. "Why is this love stuff so hard? I thought I would knowwhen I loved her. You know, I'd suddenly change inside, or I'd hear music, or . . . or . . . or something. But I haven't felt anything yet! I'm just getting more and more mixed up, and I have to marry her today, and I'm scared about what's going to happen after that, 'cause I don't want to hurt her but I don't want her to think I love her when I'm still really confused . . ."

A hand fell on his shoulder, and Goku glanced up to see Kuririn smiling at him. "It's okay, Goku. You'll figure things out. You're just not used to any of this, that's all."

"No, I'm not," Goku agreed readily. "Why didn't you promise to marry her, Kuririn? It would've made this so much easier!"

Kuririn's face turned a bright crimson colour. "Me?! Aw, Goku, you've gotta' be kidding! ChiChi's really hot, yeah, but . . . aw, geez, I could never marry her! Even if she wanted to!"

That was something else Goku didn't understand -- the obsession Kuririn, Yamucha, and Master Rôshi had with "hot" girls. Master Rôshi had tried to show him the difference once, but the girls all looked the same to Goku. Yeah, he noticed differences in their faces or their body shapes, but he didn't get what made one girl better-looking than another. They all looked nice to him. Of course, he would never tell ChiChi that. Goku got the impression ChiChi was sensitive about her looks, though he didn't understand why. He didn't see anything wrong with her.

Again, this confusion was something Goku had thought would straighten itself out by itself, but it had been years since that conversation with Master Rôshi, and he was still no more enlightened than he had been at age twelve.

"You'll be fine," Kuririn's cheery voice broke through Goku's less-than-pleasant thoughts. "ChiChi's a great girl. You'll get this sooner or later. There's a very thin line between liking someone and loving someone, and you're bound to cross it soon."

"I hope so," Goku muttered, still not sure. All this stuff about feelings, and love, and marriage, and everything else were things he'd never even heard about a year ago, and all of a sudden he was expected to know everything about them!

"There you are! Good heavens, we're all waiting for you!"

Bulma's sharp voice made the two men jump, and Goku grinned sheepishly. "Sorry. We'll be right there."

"You'd better, the ceremony's about to start!" Bulma reminded them, then she stopped, looking Goku up and down. "Wow, Son-kun, you look amazing! You should wear a tux more often."

"Really?"

"Really! ChiChi's just gonna' die when she sees you," Bulma winked, and Goku frowned. Die? He didn't want ChiChi to die just because he had agreed to wear a white suit! "It's an expression, Son-kun," Bulma giggled, noticing his bewilderment.

Kuririn stifled a laugh, and Goku watched with amusement as Bulma turned her appraising gaze to the short fighter. "It's too bad you don't have a girlfriend, Kuririn-kun," Bulma remarked, "'Cause she'd love to see you. You look really handsome."

"So do you," Kuririn stammered, and Goku covered his mouth to stop his chuckles, but they slipped out anyway. "I - I mean, you look beautiful," Kuririn corrected himself, his face flushing with embarrassment.

"You think so?" Bulma beamed at the praise, oblivious to Kuririn's discomfort, and she twirled on the spot, her skirt flaring out from her calves. Goku had the sudden thought that he liked ChiChi's legs better -- they were way more muscled than Bulma's.

"Definitely," Kuririn nodded emphatically, turning even redder. Goku looked at Bulma then, curious, and admitted to himself that the light pink dress looked good on her, as far as Goku knew about dresses. It was kind of tight and the neckline was a little low, he thought, but then, Bulma liked stuff like that -- it made Yamucha stutter and act all funny, which Bulma thought was hilarious.

"Thanks," Bulma gave a little curtsey. "I hope Yamucha likes it. And he looks gorgeous in his tux," she disappeared into her own little fairy world, as Goku liked to think of it, before finally snapping back to reality. "Oh my goodness, we're going to be late! You boys, get outside now!"

"Yes, ma'am!"

The wedding was being held outside, in the grassy yard behind Bulma's enormous house. Goku, having grown up in the woods by himself, had a strong aversion to an indoor marriage ceremony, and ChiChi agreed, saying it would be too stuffy if it were held inside. The weather was beautiful, sunny but not too hot, and couldn't have been more perfect.

Not very many people attended the ceremony -- Bulma and her family, Kuririn, Yamucha, ChiChi's father, Master Rôshi, Tenshinhan, Chaozu, Yajirobe, Kami-sama, Popo, Oolong, and Pu'ar. It was very informal, which was the way Goku liked it, anyway. This wasn't a Tenkaichi Budoukai; there was no reason for crowds and crowds of people to be there.

Goku didn't remember much of the ceremony, or indeed any of it at all. Everything passed in a blur, as his mind was still racing about the night to come and whether or not to tell ChiChi. Suddenly it was time for him to say his vows, and Goku snapped into attention enough to repeat the words the priest was saying.

He heard himself promise to love and cherish ChiChi, to protect her, and never to leave her until one of them died. That didn't sound so bad . . . he could handle that. There weren't any more battles to fight, so Goku didn't see any reason why he should leave anymore. He slipped the ring on her finger, noting how soft her hands were -- and the next second, wondering why that had crossed his mind.

As ChiChi said her own vows, Goku found himself staring at her. She looked . . . different . . . in a way he couldn't explain. The dress she wore was a very light pink colour, almost white, with lace and flowers on it -- Goku winced inwardly, thinking of all the trouble they'd had to go to just to get that gown. Her hair was pinned on the top of her head beneath the veil, though she let two strands fall on either side of her face. She looked nice.

Goku didn't understand it, but something about the dress and the way she had done her hair -- ChiChi looked softer, somehow. He didn't notice how muscular and toned her body was, or how tough she always appeared to be. She looked quieter, happier, and completely at peace -- even though he'd never thought of her as a "girly" type of woman, she seemed quite comfortable in the clothes she was wearing.

At that moment, ChiChi lifted her eyes to his, and the smile that touched her mouth seemed to light up her entire face in a brilliant, contented glow. She took Goku's hand and slid the ring over his finger, slowly, like she wanted to savour the moment. Goku smiled at her, glad she was so happy, and he forgot all his doubts for a few precious minutes. Even after the rings had been given, ChiChi didn't let go of his hand -- instead, she linked their fingers together lightly, taking a step closer to him.

Something went wrong with Goku's brain. His heart began to beat faster than normal, and his face felt oddly warm. His stomach started jumping again, and his breathing was irregular. He didn't get what was happening, but he realized somewhere in the back of his mind that it was nothing to worry about. That whatever he was feeling was a good thing.

The priest was saying something -- something important. Goku shook his head a little, trying to clear out the buzzing in his ears, and finally was able to tune into what the priest was telling him: "You may kiss the bride."

Goku gulped. He glanced to the side, where he saw Kuririn wink and give him the thumb's up. Bulma had happy tears streaming down her face, and she was clinging to Yamucha's arm like he was some kind of giant teddy bear. All Goku's friends were smiling encouragingly at him -- except for Master Rôshi, who was crying so hard that his face was buried in a giant tissue. Pu'ar patted the old man's knee comfortingly.

Okay, Goku thought, and he brushed the loose strands of her hair behind ChiChi's ear, cradling her face in his hands. He smiled.

I love you, ChiChi mouthed, causing Goku to pause for a split-second as a strange emotion slammed into him. It was a feeling similar to the one when he was about to fight a worthy opponent, or when he was going to dig into a wonderful meal.

Without wanting to think too hard about what he was feeling, Goku shook the questioning tendrils of thought away, and found himself stroking ChiChi's cheek with his thumb. He was startled to see tears filling the young woman's black eyes, but soon realized she wasn't crying from sadness. She caught his gaze, smiled a little, then her eyelids fluttered closed.

Goku swallowed, then tilted ChiChi's face up to meet his, and kissed her softly.

He'd expected the strange body feelings, the flutters and shivers, but they didn't come. Instead, came a flash of comprehension -- brief and fleeting, but present nonetheless. It was like a glimpse of what Goku had hoped to feel the first time he kissed ChiChi; the understanding and knowledge he wanted to gain. It was there, for a fraction of a second . . .

ChiChi started to pull away, but Goku felt a stab of panic. The enlightenment was there, just beyond his reach, with everything he wanted to know about feelings and everything else -- he couldn't break off yet! Before ChiChi's mouth had quite lost contact with his, Goku quickly pulled her face closer, capturing her mouth again, deepening the kiss.

As with their first kiss, the rush of anticipated knowledge didn't come . . . but something was different this time. Goku began to understand the connection between the "weird stuff" his body was doing, and the emotions Kuririn had been talking about.

And for the first time, Goku realized that love might not be far away, if he wasn't afraid to look for it.

Kuririn cleared his throat politely then, and Yamucha started to laugh. Goku jumped, having forgotten anyone else was there, and that they were all watching them kiss. "Goku," ChiChi murmured against his mouth, not very clearly, and she definitely sounded reluctant. "Short, remember?"

Goku did remember her telling him that, at weddings, the couple wasn't supposed to kiss for very long. It was for ceremony only, and wasn't supposed to last for more than a few seconds. Not wanting to embarrass her, Goku finished the kiss and drew back slowly, noticing that ChiChi's face was flushed and her eyes were sparkling.

"Bad Goku-san," she whispered teasingly, "You were supposed to keep it short, silly!"

Goku laughed heartily, turning to face his friends as they all ran up to congratulate them. "I don't think you minded," he shot back, and smirked at her when ChiChi rolled her eyes at him.

He liked this feeling. Goku was warm, all the way from his toes to the top of his head, and he felt so full of happiness that he might explode any minute. He looked at ChiChi, and emotions he'd never experienced began flitting through him -- through his mind as well as his body. She glanced up at him, noticed him staring, and stuck out her tongue at him.

Goku was startled, because in that short second, he understood what Master Rôshi had tried (and failed) to explain to him about what made girls pretty. He finally knew what Kuririn meant when he said "Do you 'like' her" -- and he knew that, indeed, he did. Goku grinned crazily.

He understood!

*****


Chapter Three

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