Premise: All these wacky yak-milkophiliacs live in the magical land of Fushigi Yak Milk, a commune in the Konan Empire, much like sunny California!!

Act One, Scene One: Yak Milk, Oro, and the Theory of Relativity
Tamahome: Dammit, I'm thirsty. (opens refrigerator) What the Hell? (holds up white jug from fridge)

Nakago: Bourbon!

Nuriko: No, you dumbass. It's the HOLY YAK MILK!! Hey, Y.M.!

Yak Milk: *says nothing but sends a silent greeting to Nuriko*

Nuriko: Don't you just love the way it glistens in the light? *sigh*

Tama: Um... Nuriko, you aren't falling in love with inanimate objects now, are you?

Nuriko: *eyes cast down* I was just looking...

Yak Milk: *look of subtle indignation*

Kenshin: Oro.

[Cut to: Kenshin, in a dark room, playing moodily on an ebony keyboard, topped with a single red rose in a crystal vase.]

Kenshin: *singing, very off-key* Oooooorrrrrroooooo, oroooooo, oooorrroooooooo, oro, oooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrooooooooo!! *decrescendos as the scene fades to black*

[New scene: inside the Yak Milk temple]

Nakago: Tamahome, I have a problem.

Tamahome: Shoot.

Nakago: The Yak Milk... well... I was drunk last night with Soi, and we... um, well, we stole the yak milk... and Soi got mad at me because, um, well, nevermind, but she got mad at me, and...

Tama: If this about love advice, I'm the last person to go to. Try Hotohori. Next room on the right. He's probably doing his hai--

Nakago: IT'S NOT ABOUT SOI!! Well, she slapped me... and I... I.... *long pause* I dropped the yak milk!

Tamahome: WHAT?!

(At Tamahome's horrible scream, the rest of the yak milkers spontaneously pop up out of no where)

Kenshin: OROOOOOOOOOOOO?

Tama: Nakago, WHERE did you drop the yak milk?

Nakago: Off... off of... I dropped it OFF MT. TAIKYOUKU! IT'S COMPLETELY DESTROYED AND SHATTERED!! I'M SORRYYYYYYYYYYYYY! *wails*

Kenshin: *pissed off, holds up a stick* OROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Nyan-Nyan: *sing-song tone* Kill him! Kill him! Kill! Kill!

Singing Sana-chan!

Sana: Nakago-shattered-the-yak-milk!

Nakago-shattered-the-yak-milk!!

Here in Magic Yak Milk Land, we all drink the Yak Milk, it is our savior, we all love the yak milk, but Nakago broke it and we won't get it back! So what's gonna-what's gonna-what's gonna-what's gonna-what's gonna happen when he has to milk the yak?!

Act One, Scene Two: Where the Hell is my Play-Do?

[Scene: The Yak Milkers shove Nakago into the barn, commanding that he pay penance for destroying the yak milk by milking the holy yak to create a new yak milk deity. After tossing him in, they cruelly slam the door behind him. A few hours later...]

Hotohori: Nakago, are you milking the yak?

Nakago: *grumble* yesimmilkingthedamnedyakmekandaksstupidyak...

Hotohori: What's that?

Nakago: I SAID I am MILKING the YAK! Now leave me alone!

*The gang waits for Nakago outside, and while they wait, they proceed to get drunk and play ping-pong.*

*13 hours later*

Miaka: I wonder if he's done milking the yak.

Hotohori: Let's check. Nuriko?

Nuriko: Got it. *taking his cue, lifts up the barn to reveal a hole in the ground, and Nakago- and the yak- gone*

*collective gasp*

Chichiri: This is bad, no da.

Miaka: Oh no! He stole the yak!

Tama: That sonovabitch! He got away with our yak!

Singing Sana-chan! Sana: Nakago-got-away-with-the-yak! Nakago-got-away-with-the-yak!

The sitch is really bad, 'cuz we locked him in a shed, and made him milk the yak! Made him milk the yak! But when we checked to see if he was done, Nakago and the yak were gone! were gone! were gone! were gone! were gone! Nakago and the yak were gone!

[Scene: A dark alleyway, Nakago in a long trenchcoat and sunglasses, hiding the yak under his coat, talking to Seiryuu]

Nakago: *pulls yak out from underneat coat* C'mon, Seiryuu man, help a seishi out...

Seiryuu: *look of disgust* Hell no. I don't get mixed up in other deities' business. You're on your own, Avacado Juicer.

Nakago: *horrified expression* SSSSSSSHHHHH! We promised never to speak of that... (thrusts yak towards Seiryuu again) Come on... take it! Take the yak! TAKE IT!! *voice echoes in alley, dogs bark* *Nakago's voice drops to a whisper* Seiryuuu.... what about all those people I killed for you?

Seiryuu: *rolls eyes* First of all- that is not a yak. It's a stuffed cow. Secondly- so what? Look at the whore you brought me for a miko!

Nakago: *puzzled* I thought you liked Yui-sama! She... she... she smelled like clams!

Seiryuu: No. No, Nakago. She didn't. I'm sorry. You're just going to have to have your yak and milk it, too. *turns and walks away*

Nakago: *whines* Seiryuuseikuuuuuuuun! *whimpers, looks in disdain down at yak, hears sounds of approaching Suzaku seishi and runs off*

[The gang marches all over Fushigi Yak Milk until they finally find Nakago, chugging orange juice behind a vegetable stand.]

Miaka: Nakago! What the Hell are you doing? You're supposed to be milking the yak!

Nakago: I'm... I'm, um... oh, dammit! I admit it! *buries face in hands for shame* I'm not really a Fushigi Magic Yak Milker. I'm only a Semi-Sacred Avacado Juicer!!

*collective gasp*

*Hotohori pulls out his sword, holds it to Nakago's throat*

Hotohori: Shall I dispatch him for you?

Nyan-Nyan: Kill him! Kill him! Kill! Kill!

*Hotohori presses sword closer to Nakago's neck, trickle of blood runs down*

Nakago: Mommy... *pees*

Tamahome: Oh, relax. He's just an Avacado Juicer. He's weak. *lightbulb, evil smile* We can use him as...

Hotohori: A slave! He can brush my hair!

Chichiri: And carry my hat, no da!

Miaka and Nuriko: *in unison* And be my love slave!

*Nakago winces, sweatdrop*

All together: ...And milk the yak!

Act One, Scene Three: A Mid-Autumn's Afternoon Mindwandering

[Scene: Nakago Torture Chamber. Fushigi soft jazz background music starts playing. Miaka and Nakago are sitting in her bedchamber, Nakago with is head in her lap as she ties pretty bows in his blond kojin hair. In a fit of musical inspiration, they begin to rap incoherently.]

Miaka: Nakago, have I ever told you about the time I broke my fibula? Well, there was, there was a guy named Joe...

Nakago: I'd rather, I'd rather be milking the yak, dressed like Nuriko or milking the yak! UH!

Nuriko: *pops in* YEAH!

Miaka: I come from San Juan, I fell of Mt. Taikyouku, my name is George but my brother is named Jimothy! He is also called Jorge with a jay! Ayayayay!

Nakago: I love fruit! It tastes good! I have frilly underwear!

Miaka: That you stole from Nuriko's room! Nuriko's room! We went to Victoria's Secret, Secret! We tried on panties! Nuriko is a woman at heart! At heart at heart at heart at heart at heart at heart at heart!

Nakago: Miaka is about to get bashed! Bashed, bashed, about to get bashed! I love my mommy! I don't like Tomo cuz he scares me! He scares me!

Miaka: I have a cousin named Jim! He's ugly and he likes pancakes! With strawberries and cream! And they make him SCREAM!

Nakago: Miaka, do you have an illegitimate child named Joe?

Miaka:What's that?

Nakago: Nevermind, then.

Miaka: My name is MIAKA! I live in a SOCK!!

Tomo: *butting in* MIAKA! You saaaaaaaid!

Miaka: What? I did? Oh, but Tomoooo, I'm having so much fun torturing Nakagoooo!

Tomo: Butbutbut you saaaaaiiid!

Miaka: Dammit, oh, okay fine. Tamahome! Tamahomeee! *calls down hall* Your turn! *wink* Nakago Torture Chamber, TAKE TWO!!

[With Miaka's wink, the scene fades]

[Scene: Fushigi Haiku Party. Everyone takes a short break from torturing Nakago to enjoy a poetic interlude. Miaka stands behind microphone, spotlit in a dark room filled with small tables, a wooden stool with glass of water and a towel sitting beside her.]

Miaka: *ahem* My poem... *holds up small piece of yellow paper* I am Suzaku no miko. Because I am cool. I like ice cream and cheese. I once broke my fibula. Because of Joe. Or Jimothy with a G. *looks up* Thank you.

Nuriko: *calls from audience* Dumbass! That's not Haiku!

Miaka: *SDs, flips out* WELL I HAVE THE MICROPHONE AND YOU DON'T SO I'M GOING TO READ MY DAMNED POETRY WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!

Hotohori: *applauds*

Miaka: I will now sing... *opens mouth wide, seishi quickly drag her offstage*

Nuriko: *runs up to take Miaka's place* Okay... my turn... *pulls poem out of pocket* Coconuts. It's raining coconuts. I forgot my umbrella. Ouch. Does my head hurt.

Nakago: *indignantly* Hey, that's not Haiku, either! *boos*

Nuriko: *throws table at Nakago's head* I hate critics. *walks offstage, grumbling*

Soi: *stands behind microphone and pulls out banjo* Weeeeeellllll.... *strums banjo and begins to sing* I once loved a dude named Nakago-Nakago, but now I want to sock-ago, sock-ago hiiiiiiim... 'cause-he's-aaaaa.... pansy-ass-jerk-who-pays-too-much-attention-to-that-dumbass-mikooooooooo... Some guys just aren't worth the bouchuu-bouchuu, don't you-don't you thiiiiiiiiink soooo?... NAKAGO *strum* IS A *strum* PANSY ASS *strum* GIGGOLO *strum* *banjo riff* JEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRK! *closing strum* *sweeping bow*

*room bursts into applause. Nakago writhes bound and gagged on the floor, ego bruised, Miaka's purple bows tied in his hair and glittering in the lamplight*

{Scene:Oh, just read it!}

Yui: *frantic* MIAKA! Have you seen my clam deodorant?

Miaka: *sweatdrop* That was deodorant?

{Scene: Nakago torture chamber, take two. Nakago is tied up in Hotohori's bedchamber}

Hotohori: Now, Nakago, say it.

Nakago: But ... but ... I don't want to! *pouts*

Hotohori: Oh, come now Nakago, you don't really want me to use *the sword* do you?

Nakago: *muttering* Actually, I'd rather have the sword ..

Hotohori: Okay! *draws his sword*

Nakago: Nonono, I take it back, I take it back!

Hotohori:Then SAY IT! SAY IT!

Nakago:Fine. You'resobeautifulit'sscary. There! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

Hotohori: Not quite ... do go on.

Nakago:FINE! You're the sexiest man in the world! You make people want to crawl on the ground and beg for mercy. Miaka should love you. Your hair is so wonderfully brown and wavy. You should be a supermodel. I'd MAKE you a supermodel. If you went on a nude beach, everyone would faint from sheer joy. You are the sexiest thing to ever walk in FYYM land. Everybody loves you. You have a sexy voice .....

Hotohori: *astonished* Wow, I didn't expect him to go on *THAT* much. By the way he was carrying on about it, you'd almost think that he meant it!

Scene: Tomo is seen with a microphone in a big armchair. He is wearing a hat with Kero-chan ears, a Kero-chan tail, and Kero-chan wings}

Tomo: Today on 'A moment with Tomo', we'll talk about my voice.

Nakago: *in the background* No, Tomo. LOOKS! Not voice! 'LOOKS!'

Tomo: N-Nakago-sama! *blush* Hey, aren't they supposed to be torturing you?

Nakago: No ... no ..... shh!

(Nuriko comes up behind Nakago, and taps him on the shoulder, accidentally pushing him over)

Nuriko: Oh, so THAT'S where you'd gone off to, Nakago! *drags him off* Come along now, come on ...

Nakago: Shit. Tomo! TOMO! You bastard! I'll NEVER love you now!

Tomo: *squeals* Oh, no! It can't be! Nuriko! Neh, Nuriko, bring him back here, neh, neh, get back here-! Aw, nevermind. *ahem* Now, were was I? Ah, yes, my VOICE. Some people think that it sounds quite evil, but I say ...

(Tomo is interrupted as he turns to the side of the screen to see Sakura and Kero-chan sneaking up behind him)

Tomo: Oh, what brings you two here?

Kero-chan: *spazzing out* This is madness! Pure madness! You stole my talk show AND my look!

Sakura: *makes a face* That wasn't very nice of you, 'ya know.

Tomo: Well, I .. hey! Wait a minute! WRONG anime, people. This is a Fushigi Yuugi fanfic. Now, do get out. There's the door, around the corner and through the-

Sakura: But ... Sana's here! And Kenshin!

Kero-chan: Ugh. *crosses his arms and makes a face* That's not fair. We've been gypped, Sakura-chan. Let's get out of here and complain.

Sakura: Right behind you!

Tomo: Well, that was strange. Hm. I wonder how I'd look in that uniform of Sakura's? *wink* Kakakakakakakakakaka. Okay, until next time .....

(Miaka comes up behind Tomo and puts her hands over his eyes)

Miaka: Hi, Tomo! Guess who?

Tomo: M-

Miaka: It's ... Nakago torture chamber, take three!

To be continued!