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All your problems--solved!

This is where I post your stupid little complaints and offer nice, sensible advice! The problems will be in green and the solutions will be in pink

Dear Psycho,
I have a problem. My penis is so large, I just can't handle it. It measures 11 1/2 inches. I always hear guys talking about getting theirs enlarged. Can I get mine decreased?
Hard up, Big Dawg

Dear Big Dawg,
Can I have your phone number?
Love, Psycho

dear psycho:
i went to my schools football game and i saw my crush hangin out with a friend of mine-- we aren't best of friends- we talk once in a while and i saw them walking away adn they held hands- they r going out i guess and im soo depressed and i dont want to be- adn after the game me a a couple of my friends went to a pizza shop and ate there. i was talkin to them how i felt when i saw them together and i turned around to look outside and when i turned back to them- 1 of them rolled their eyes at me- i hate that- my friends suck soo bad- i get so pissed at them- 1 girl is 2 faced the other is just a f*ckin bitch - and some just dont care what i have to say- its like they call me and do stuff cuz they aint got nuttin better 2 do; like they're using me! ahh i hate that- what the heck to do?? have no f*ckin clue. from clueless in pa

Dear Clueless in PA,
Well, obviously this guy doesn't like you, and neither do your friends. In fact, you're starting to piss me off too. So since nobody likes you anyway, you should just go ahead and become a lawyer. You'd have a head-start in the field--people can't stand you already!
Love, Psycho

Dear Psycho,
My parents don't want me getting a job because it'll reduce my financial aid for college. I really need money to do anything around here. What should I do?
--Hard up in CA

Dear Hard Up in CA,
Why is everyone hard up? Sheesh, buy some prostitutes and relieve yourselves or something...
Speaking of prostitutes, become one! It's easy, worthwhile, paying, and I doubt Uncle Sam deducts 25% for taxes.
Love, Psycho

Dear Psycho,
Why are people selfish/parasites? Is it just natural?
--Sad and Confused

Dear Sad and Confused,
Um, yeah, it's human nature, whatever...can I borrow a few bucks? You're a pal...
Love, Psycho

Dear Pessimist,
How do you get rid of a dead body? and afterwards how do you get old man smell out of your car trunk?
--DJ Satan

Dear DJ Satan,
The best way to get rid of a dead body is, no doubt, to eat it. Human flesh tastes just like chicken and is rich in protein and carbohydrates.
Prepare a human like you would a roast, letting it simmer in its own juices in a crock pot for about 6 hours. Add oregano and a pinch of Italian seasoning, garnish with a sprig of parsley, and you have yourself a treat! Voila!
However, if you are one of those vegetarian freaks, you might want to consider a better way to dispose of your friend or spouse or grandfather (I don't ask questions, I just answer them). If you're short on time and terribly uncreative, toss it in a river or dissolve it in acid. But for those more creative vegans, try fertilizing your garden with it. After a few weeks in the spring, you will have a nice fertile compost for you to grow your veggies in.
About the old man smell, I suggest Bath & Body Works home floral scent. There is no doubt that the makers had rotting flesh in mind when they manufactured that.
Love, Psycho

DEAR PSYCHO,
I HAVE A MAJOR PROBLEM. PLEASE ANSWER IT WITHOUT ANY JOKES. ITS SO SERIOUS, I MEAN ITS LIFE OR DEATH. I HAVE AN INTERNET BOYFRIEND AND I SENT HIM PICS OF ME. WELL WHEN HE LOOKED AT THEM HE SAID I COULD USE A LITTLE DIET. THIS MADE ME SOOOOOOO ANGERY!!! I MEAN I NEVER THOUGHT HE WOULD SAY ANYTHING LIKE THAT HE SAID HE WOULD LOVE ME NO MATTER WHAT, EVEN IF I WEIGHED 300 POUNDS. (AND I DONT WEIGH ANYWHERE NEAR THAT, THANK GOD) NOW HE IS TELLING ME HE DIDNT MEAN ANYTHING BY IT, AND HE SAYS HE STILL LOVES ME AND HE WANTS ME TO RUN AWAY FROM HOME. WHAT SHOULD I DO? THERE IS THIS OTHER GUY AND HE SAYS I LOOK GOOD JUST THE WAY I AM. SHOULD I STILL TALK TO MY INTERNET GUY OR SHOULD I FORGET ABOUT HIM AND LIKE THE OTHER GUY, HE HAS KIND OF A BIG NOSE?
--DIETER IN DISTRESS

Dear Dieter in Distress,
Obviously, if youhave to go online to look for lovin' you can't be that good-looking anyway. But on the flip side, cameras tend to add a few more pounds. However, how many cameras you had on you at that time is still in question. I'd say if you want your man to love you, follow Psycho's Psuper-Pslim Diet Plan (R):
An apple a day may keep the doctor away, but it certainly doesn't keep the pounds away! Stay away from all fruits and vegetables. They have calories.
Meat gives you energy, but why would you need extra energy when you're going to be slim and spry in two weeks? Cut the cows--they have calories.
Eat wood--yes, it has calories, but you'll easily burn them off when you're defecating every hour on the hour.
Run three miles a day. Well, when you're already running three, what's another ten miles? Make it thirteen miles a day. You'll find time for it when you're NOT eating!
Drink water. But not in excess because it's heavy.
Follow those simple steps to wellness!
As for Mr. Bignose, obviously he's delusional and just looking to get laid. But considering that until you slim down, you won't be getting any, I'd say go for it! And you know what they say about big noses anyway...
Love, Psycho

dear psycho
i have a small promblem i need your help with i just cant stop f*cking tissue boxes i know it sounds strange but its become a real promblem for me my cock is sore and covered in paper cuts from the tissue, and i cant afford this any more i go through 2-3 boxes a day becuase there not very durable and are only good for about 50-70 f*cks before the bottoms fall out from the continues pounding of my cock please help me i need a more durable less painful less expensive solution.
--Paper Boy

Dear Paper Boy,
See above. But, uh, make sure you're on top.
Love, Psycho

Get some help.

Go Hoooome!