How The Kunz Stoled Christmas
By: Miss ParaPara
e-mail me at:
Rated: PG-13
Author's note
Konnichiwa minna! I hope you enjoy my first attempt at a Christmas SM fic.
WARNING: This fic is a parody. I'll be making fun of most characters. Please
keep in mind this fic is just for fun. I really love all Sailormoon
characters. Also this fic contains some inappropriate scenes and words. You
have been warned!
Anyway this fic mainly focuses around my favorite high youma, Kunzite! Please
e-mail me any praise, insults, x-mas lists or anything! I love getting mail
(it's the only way I know that people actually read my fics). Anyway if you
write me I'll write you back I promise!
Disclaimers: Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon belongs to Toei animation, etc. and
"How the Grinch Stoled Christmas" belongs to Dr.Seuse. He's dead now so he
can't get after me for copying this idea. Hee hee!
.............................................................................
..................................................................
How The Kunz Stoled Christmas
By: Miss ParaPara
.............................................................................
...................................................................
" I want new clothes!"
" I want a new bike!"
" I want some fish!"
" I want Zoicite!"
Queen Baryl's Dark Kingdom youmas were gathered around her. She had
asked them what they all wanted for Christmas. Every year Beryl would give
each member of the Dark Kingdom one present. But unfortunately this year she
was on a tight budget. She hoped that this year they would want something
cheap like Kleenex or a pencil, but no such luck. Her youmas were as selfish
as she had them trained to be.
" Would you all SHUT UP!" the room fell quiet. The queen didn't want
to say it, but she had to let them know.
" Since we are on a tight budget this year I'm afraid one of you
won't be getting a gift." Everyone gasped.
" Oh no!" a low youma with horns cried," I hope that unfortunate
person isn't me".
" Me neither" said another.
" This is all your fault, Kunzite" Nephrite accused the white haired
general," If you hadn't spend most of our money on repairs for that stupid
bicycle we would have more money!"
" Hey leave my Kunz alone!" Zoicite gave Nephrite a hard push. He
fell backwards and knocked down several low youmas behind him. Soon a riot
broke out in the throne room. Jadeite tried to yell over the crowd " I want a
Waterbaby doll for Christmas!" Then for no reason he started to sing the song
from the Captain Crunch commercial. Jadeite obviously had problems. Mental
problems.
" Shut up!" The queen finally silenced her group once again. This
time to insure their silence, she choose a low youma to kill. She pulled out
a gun and shot the low one. Everyone was surprised. Not because she had
killed one of her own, but because she didn't use magical powers.
" Metallia won't give me anymore energy until I pay back the money I
owe her. So anyway I decided who will not be getting a gift."
Everyone listened fearing she would say their name.
" Kunzite!"
Kunzite thought he was going to faint. But why would the queen do
this to him. He was her highest youma.
" Kunzite," continued Beryl," Since you have been with me the longest
and you are my toughest youma I will expect that this won't hurt you."
" No, my queen" replied Kunzite," It is O.k"
" Good now that we have that decided. I want all of you to get out of
my sight. Go to your rooms or something. Don't always be hanging around my
throne room looking for a HOT time."
With the mention of a HOT time with Beryl all the youmas left the
room. No one wanted a HOT time with Beryl, that would be gross.
.............................................................................
...................................................................
Meanwhile at Rei's temple the girls were extremely hyper. Only one
day until Christmas! They had decided they were going to bring all their
families together at Christmas, and spend the holidays together at Rei's
temple.
" Look at all those presents!!!! All for meee!" Usagi started to feel
up the presents under the tree that the girls had decorated.
Haruka then pulled out her Space Sword and put it at Usagi's throat.
" Leave those gifts alone, Odango. Some of those gifts are for the
rest of us too."
Usagi was afraid and dropped the gift she was holding. There was the
sound of breaking glass.
" Oops! Sorry Artemis. That was your gift." Usagi read the tag.
" What?!" cried Artemis," You brook my Christmas gift! Usagi!!"
Artemis was furious!
" Sorry I can't buy you anymore gifts either, Artemis," exclaimed
Minako," I spend the last of my allowance on condoms. I sure Mamoru likes the
ribbed kind... Oops! I guess I shouldn't have said that!"
Usagi started to punch Minako in the face. Makoto, who loved to
fight, butted in and started to beat them both up. Soon Rei started to punch
Ami for no particular reason( I guess since everyone was fighting, she didn't
want to feel left out).
" Shall we join in this riot, Haruka?" Michiru grabbed her lover's
hand and smiled at her. Michiru was hoping Haruka would rather have some fun
with her instead of engaged in this fight. But no such luck. Haruka torn off
her shirt and ran into the fight. Michiru soon joined (but she kept her shirt
on). All the girls scattered around the room when they saw the topless Haruka
running towards them.
" Hey you guys I wanna fight too!"
Meanwhile Artemis examined his smashed present which was an expensive
glass litter box. He ran off crying.
.............................................................................
...................................................................
At the top of Mount Endust Kunzite was a new home in a cave he found
on the top of the mountain. He decided he would hang out there until Beryl
comes back apologizing for not getting him a x-mas gift. Didn't she realize
he had feelings too? He likes x-mas gifts just as much as the other youmas.
He couldn't believe that never would a low youma go without a x-mas gift.
Though Beryl killed many low ones off each year!
" Oh great!" a voice came from behind Kunzite," I guess this mountain
has already been taken. Grr!"
" Hey wait a minute!" Kunzite shouted at Artemis, who was headed back
down the mountain. " I could use a little company."
Artemis climbed back up to the top. From there the two told each other their
reasons for hiding out on the mountain top. Surprisingly for the same reason.
Neither of them was getting a Christmas gift this year.
Just then Kunzite had a wicked thought. It was such a nasty, evil
idea. It would solve his problem for sure. A evil smile spread across his
face. He picked up Artemis and went inside the cave.
" What the hell are you doing?!" exclaimed Artemis as Kunzite took
some sticks and glued them to Artemis(he used super glue, so Artemis
should have fun trying to take 'em off!). When Kunzite was done Artemis
looked like a pathetic looking reindeer.
" I know how we can stop Christmas from coming," Kunzite explained as
he sewed himself a Santa suit." We'll steal all of the people in Tokyo's
Christmas gifts. They will be so sad, and I can laugh at them! They'll feel
bad for what they done." Kunzite finished up his Santa hat. He looked at
himself in the mirror. Not a bad job considering he only made an 55% in
sewing class, when he used to go to youma school. But that was in the past.
Kunzite couldn't wait until Christmas eve.
.............................................................................
...................................................................
" Are you sure we should really do this Kunz?" asked Artemis. Kunzite
was filling up an old toboggan with empty sacks.
" Of course, gay cat," Kunz looked at the toboggan. It was too small.
" Do you think the sleigh needs to be bigger?" he asked Artemis.
" Not really. People don't usually get much for Christmas. Or at
least Minako doesn't."
" Well not everyone is like her. I'll make us a bigger sleigh."
Kunzite used his magical powers and poof! A large, red, Santa-like sleigh
appeared.
" Wow!" exclaimed Artemis.
" Being evil with magical powers has it's advantages."
They both got into the sleigh.
" Hey cat!" exclaimed Kunzite," Who do you think is gonna pull this
sleigh." He pushed Artemis out.
" But I'm a cat not a reindeer. I can't fly." Artemis protested.
" Well it's time you learned." Kunzite pulled out a whip and hit
Artemis. Artemis started to pull the sleigh. Suddenly he started to fly!
" Wow! I can fly" Artemis cried.
" This is a Sailormoon fic, cat," Kunzite said," Anything's possible
in Sailormoon. Not to mention I gave you some evil energy. Name a evil SM
villain that couldn't fly somewhat or at least hover in the air. Go gay cat!"
.............................................................................
..................................................................
Artemis flew to their first victim's house. It belonged to Chiba
Mamoru. Yes I know Mamoru lives in an apartment building, but for this fic,
he lives in a house.
" Hee hee," Kunz laughed to himself," I hate that caped fruit. I'm
gonna really enjoy cleaning his house out!" Kunz broke out in a evil laugh. Artemis
thought he was nuts!
On the roof, Kunz realized he wasn't going to fit done Mamoru's
chimney.
" Zoicite told me to lay off on the "fruit" salad."
" Wouldn't taking the front door be easier." suggested Artemis.
" I guess so." Kunzite & Artemis jumped off the roof (remember
they're anime characters. Don't try jumping off your own roof!). Kunzite
picked the lock easily and went inside with Artemis following behind. The
song " You're A Mean One Mr.Kunz" started to play. It was identical to the
Mr.Grinch song, except it was Mr.Kunz.
Kunzite started to load Mamoru's presents into a sack. Of course,
since he is evil, he started unwrapping a few of them.
" Oh, God!" Kunzite exclaimed as he looked at a gift Usagi had gave
him. " I knew that Tuxedo Kamen was a little feminine, but I didn't think he
wanted a PlayGirl magazine from his own girlfriend!"
Artemis also pawed (no pun intended) threw Mamoru's gifts. He found
that Minako had given Mamoru cat food. Artemis was jealous. Why should Mamoru
enjoy the taste of Chunky Chicken Cat food. He wasn't even a cat! Minako
should be more concerned with feeding him, then feeding Mamoru. Now Artemis
knew where some of his suppers had went to. Artemis was so steamed at Mamoru,
that he went into Mamoru's bedroom and started to claw up his face. But since
Mamoru was such a heavy sleeper, he didn't wake up. Artemis then moved to the
other side of the bed and dug up Fiore's face. No reason. But since he was a
"friend" of Mamoru's, then why not?
When Artemis entered the living room again he noticed that Kunzite
had not only stoled all of Mamoru's gifts, but he also stoled his tree,
decorations, and even food!
" The Whos'... um.. I ment the people of Tokyo won't be having a
feast this year!" Kunzite put all the sacks on his sleigh and once again they
were off.
.............................................................................
..................................................................
The next stop was Naru's house. After cleaning out the jewelry store
and the house, Kunzite went up to Naru's bedroom. He wanted to get a good
look at the woman Nephrite was so obsessed with.
Naru was fast asleep. Kunzite thought she was breathtaking! Why
couldn't he have her? What made Nephrite so special? Kunz remember Neph
telling some low youmas about the night when he hurt his arm (well he also
died too in that episode). Naru had started to rip her pajamas to fix his
wound. She had ripped quite far up and Neph swore he saw breasts! Kunzite was
jealous! Why wouldn't Naru rip her pajamas for him? Kunz walked over to
Naru's dresser & picked up a picture of Nephrite. He went into the bathroom
taking the picture with him. Minutes later Kunz left the bathroom and all
that remained in the toilet was a brown mess (which was the result of Kunz's
ravioli he had for supper). In the middle of this diarrhea was Nephrite's
smiling picture. Kunz laughed to himself. "Wait 'till morning when she finds
that. There'll be a frolic! That God for Ravioli!" Kunz loaned up the sleigh
again and they were off.
.............................................................................
...................................................................
All night Kunzite & Artemis robbed peoples' homes. Taking not just
Christmas gifts, but everything they owned! Surprisingly no one woke up,
while their house was being robbed. Except for when they stopped at Rei's
shrine, where all the Sailor Senshi were staying.
Kunz did his usual break & enter and started to clean out the house.
But while he was taking the senshi's tree, a bulb fell off and rolled into
the room where Chibi Usa was sleeping. Chibi Usa came out to see where the
bulb came from. She saw Kunzite (dressed as Santa) stuffing their tree out
the door.
" Santa why?" asked Chibi Usa," Why are you taking our Christmas
tree? Why?"
But you know that Kunz was so slick, he thought up a lie and he
thought it up quick.
" Child," he said in a sweet voice," There's a light on this tree
that won't light on one side. I'm taking it to the North Pole. I'll fix it
there and then bring it back here."
" Bull!" cried Chibi Usa," I seen "How The Grinch Stoled Christmas"
You're just trying to rob us. Well I'll stop you." She pulled out her Crystal
Carillon and yelled "Twinkle Yell!" Suddenly Pegasus appeared.
" This jerk is faking being Santa and is trying to rob us, Pegasus!"
Chibi Usa ratted on Kunz.
Pegasus looked at Kunzite closely. He shook his head.
" No, Chibi Usa. This is really Santa Claus. Please believe in him.
You do have a pure heart don't you? Put your trust in others, if you ever
what me to keep your dream beautiful." Pegasus threatened Chibi Usa.
" O.k Pegasus. I'll believe this fake, but don't be surprised when
you see that we all have been cleaned out in the morning. Oh, yeah I forgot
you have you gifts in Elusion. I hope this jerk can get into your world and
clean you out!" Chibi Usa was getting mad. But since she wanted to keep her
beautiful dream, she went back to bed and stopped fighting.
Whew! That was close! Kunz thought to himself. That horse has a way
of pursing others. Maybe I'll get him to help me steal Christmas next year.
.............................................................................
...................................................................
After Kunzite had all the homes cleaned out he took the towns' tree
and decorations. Now there was no sign of Christmas anywhere in Tokyo. Kunz's
plan had succeeded. But he still had one more place to robbed before
returning home to his cave on the top of Endust Mountain. He quickly used his
magical powers and teleported himself & Artemis into the Dark Kingdom.
" Wow!" exclaimed Artemis," What a scary place!" He saw all the low
youma fast asleep in Queen Beryl's throne room (did they ever leave that
room?). Even the Queen herself was fast asleep in her throne (the throne was
like a Lazy-Boy. She could lean it back). In four separate room slept the
other three high youmas, Nephrite, Zoicite and Jadeite. Kunzite sneak up
quietly to the Christmas tree in the middle of Beryl's room. There must of
been at least a thousand gifts under the tree! Of course there would be
because all of the youmas had gotten a gift. All except himself. Kunzite
started to put the gifts into sacks. Artemis helped. They also stoled all the
food & decorations in the Dark Kingdom.
" Let's see them have a merry Christmas now." Kunz said aloud.
Once they were all packed up, they teleported back to Endust
Mountain, where Kunz started to unpack the sleigh inside of the cave. Dawn
was approaching and pretty soon the people of Tokyo would be waking up and
seeing that Christmas wasn't coming this year.
As Kunz was unwrapping some of the presents, he noticed one was
addressed to him. On the tag it read " To Kunzite Love your friends Nephrite,
Zoicite & Jadeite." Kunz couldn't believe it! They had put their money
together and bought him a gift. A tear slid down Kunz's face, but he quickly
harden up and remembered his evil plan to steal Christmas.
" Hey Kunz," spoke up Artemis," Look the Sailor Senshi did get me a
gift after all..."
" Shhhh cat," said Kunzite. He heard a sound. He and Artemis looked
down from their cave at the town. In the spot where the city tree was stood
all the people of Tokyo. And they were singing! Kunzite hadn't stopped
Christmas from coming after all. Kunz grabbed Artemis and shook him.
" How can this be," he cried," It came without presents. It came
without tags. It came without boxes or bags." Suddenly Kunzite realized the
true meaning of Christmas.
" Come on Artemis. We're gonna return this stuff". He loaded up his
sleigh once again and headed for the city.
And that's exactly what he did. He returned all the gifts and even
joined the people in their in their big feast. Kunz himself even carved the
roast beast.
.............................................................................
..................................................................
Unfortunately the good times didn't last forever. Once Kunzite
returned to the Dark Kingdom, he was beaten up by the high youmas. They took
back the gift they had gave him (which turned out to be a sweater, which Kunz
really liked.) Queen Beryl also punished him for stealing Christmas, even
though he had brought their gifts back. She made him clean the low youma
bathrooms (which stunk! Beryl made sure the youmas had eaten a big dish of
ravioli the night before).
" Just wait," Kunz mumbled under his breath," Next year I'll steal
Christmas again. And this time I won't return anything! Hahahahaha!!!!" Kunz
took a drink from one of the toilets.
" Yum, not bad punch."
The End!
.............................................................................
..................................................................
Well I know it was a little mean to some characters, but remember I
warned you it was a parody. Hope you liked it. Have a very merry Christmas &
a happy new year!
Ja ne,
Miss ParaPara
