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Match Report
(From Penetrators star Rich Anderson)
Cartworth 2 v The Penetrators 1
Mustn’t Grumble Y’Bastard
Despite a life-time ban for bringing the game into disrepute, despite death threats from true football fans, the mighty The Penetrators could not be kept down. Rising not so much like a phoenix from the flames but like a fart from Trev’s bottom they once more strode triumphantly back into the footballing arena.
And who would be their opponents for this glorious comeback? Would it be Real Madrid, Los Galicticos Vs Los Spasticos. Would Dr Who time-travel them back to play the Brazil side of 1970, or perhaps Busby’s Babes Vs Barker’s Bastards. No, it would be none of these. Instead, for the greatest comeback the world has ever seen, the mighty The Penetrators would pit their wits against a bunch of northern cloth-cap wearing inbreds. How the mighty have fallen.
Naturally for a game of such immense importance team selection would be vital, and it was therefore something of a surprise that this was left to the Snelling brothers. Although human in appearance the Snellings are anything but, and they are further handicapped by their limited thought process which boils down to ‘Can I shag it?’ and ‘Where’s the nearest KFC’.
It was therefore no surprise that there were a few interesting team selections. Playing Thon, a man with more hair products than actual hairs on his head, in attack was bad enough, but persevering with Rich A as his strike partner, who’s not sure whether scoring is better than sex as he hasn’t done either for 23 years, was just ludicrous.
Although the Snellings selection was hampered by an injury crisis. Glue Gloves Goalie Matt and Lord of the Ponce, Mick, both failed pre-match fitness tests. The mighty The Penetrators team doctor ru led both players out of the game with acute cases of Love World, and said later that their injuries may well be career threatening. There were also further selection issues to be overcome when dynamic wing-back Ironic John pulled out at the last minute, however he was quickly replaced by the Goodyear Blimp and no one even realised he was missing.
With the new Wembley stadium not yet finished the match was switched to the side of some wind swept mountain in a barren lifeless place known to the locals as The North. Even for a side who’ve played on pitches in Stoke scattered with glass, needles and dog ploop, the mighty The Penetrators were faced with atrocious playing conditions. Obviously new fangled high tech devices such as the lawnmower haven’t reached The North yet, and since the groundskeeper was probably off shagging the sheep who normally graze there, there was nothing to keep the grass down to a decent size.
Eventually the match kicked-off and the battle of wits commenced. Almost immediately the inbreds scored. Someone’s uncle, who is also their brother, passed to their nephew, who is also their wife and daughter, who crossed the ball into the box where it was met by their grandma, who is also their mother, neice, step-dad and aunt. The ball crashed against the bar and the mighty The Penetrators super goalie Psycho Joe, (and friend of the pixies), managed to back heel an own goal.
The inbreds were ecstatic and all piled on top of one another during which time three daughters, two sons and a wife were conceived. Things were looking bleak for the mighty The Penetrators. And matters were made worse by the referee. Clearly the referee was well versed in the laws of the game, unfortunately the laws of the game he was well versed in obviously wasn’t football.
Decisions started going against the mighty The Penetrators. Ron was controversially given out LBW, Robbo was disqualified from pole position and Rainey was yellow carded for a double fault at match point. Despite explaining to the ref that decisions should be awarded against the team committing the offence, not just awarding all decisions in favour of the team who owned the most whippets, the ref carried on regardless. The match became an uphill struggle.
Half-time came and the crowd were becoming restless. Even the mighty The Penetrators Cultural Liaison Officer, Sammo, a man schooled in the Ron Atkinson art of etiquette, had stopped humming the Last Of The Summer Wine theme tune. Was the game up? Were the might The Penetrators being condemned to their 9000th straight loss? The second half kicked off and the match resumed. Turgid wasn’t the word. Both teams were cancelling each other out by being equally as rubbish and the only threat to the goals was woodworm.
But then a miracle happened. No, Glory Boy Dave didn’t buy a round, the mighty The Penetrators scored a goal. Man of the match Nathan, an obvious ringer as he possessed a modicum of skill, burst through and equalised. They’d done it. With only minutes to go the mighty The Penetrators had avoided defeat. The longest running losing strea k in football history was over, or was it? Enter The Pixies…
The Pixies are no strangers to the mighty The Penetrators. They sit upon Psycho Joe’s shoulders and whisper. ‘Drop the ball Joe,’ they whisper, ‘Give away a penalty Joe’. And with but seconds remaining they crawled out of their hovels, perched upon his shoulders and spoke slowly and quietly into his ears ‘Joe, lets go for a little walk, lets leave this penalty area, lets go up there, lets go to the half-way line Joe. Joe, tell us about cod-liver oil.’
The ball was struck sweetly and curled into the empty net. The mighty The Penetrators had lost again, defeated by The Pixies and some cloth cap wearing inbreds from The North. Surely there has never been a darker day in the history of the mighty The Penetrators.
Cartworth Manager Man of the Match - Mad Joe!
Penetrators Man of the Match - Nathan!
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