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Friday, 6 July 2007
This one is too funny
The Honorable Tom Harkin 731 Hart Senate Office Building Phone (202) 224 3254 Washington DC, 20510 Dear Senator Harkin, As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you. My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill's provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I'm excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family because we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005. Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year. Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as "in-state" tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son. Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver's license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car. If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance. Your Loyal Constituent, Donald Ruppert Burlington, IA
Friday, 22 July 2005
Parachute
Charles Plumb was a US Navy jet pilot in Vietnam. After 75 combat missions, his plane was destroyed by a surface-to-air missile. Plumb ejected and parachuted into enemy hands. He was captured and spent 6 years in a communist Vietnamese prison. He survived the ordeal and now lectures on lessons learned from that experience! One day, when Plumb and his wife were sitting in a restaurant, a man at another table came up and said, "You're Plumb! You flew jet fighters in Vietnam from the aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk. You were shot down!" "How in the world did you know that?" asked Plumb. "I packed your parachute," the man replied. Plumb gasped in surprise and gratitude. The man pumped his hand and said, "I guess it worked!" Plumb assured him, "It sure did. If your chute hadn't worked, I wouldn't be here today." Plumb couldn't sleep that night, thinking about that man. Plumb says, I kept wondering what he had looked like in a Na vy uniform: a white hat; a bib in the back; and bell-bottom trousers. I wonder how many times I might have seen him and not even said 'Good morning, how are you?' or anything because, you see, I was a fighter pilot and he was just a sailor." Plumb thought of the many hours the sailor had spent at a long wooden table in the bowels of the ship, carefully weaving the shrouds and folding the silks of each chute, holding in his hands each time the fate of someone he didn't know. Now, Plumb asks his audience, "Who's packing your parachute?" Everyone has someone who provides what they need to make it through the day. He also points out that he needed many kinds of parachutes when his plane was shot down over enemy territory -- he needed his physical parachute, his mental parachute, his emotional parachute, and his spiritual parachute. He called on all these supports before reaching safety. Sometimes in the daily challenges that life gives us, we miss what is really important. We may fail to say hello, please, or thank you, congratulate someone on something wonderful that has happened to them, give a compliment, or just do something nice for no reason. As you go through this week, this month, this year, recognize people who pack your parachutes. I a m sending you this as my way of thanking you for your part in packing my parachute. And I hope you will send it on to those who have helped pack yours!
Only a Texan
Only a Texan could think of this . . . From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Bandera, Texas. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot was empty. He pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over, and carried out a Breathalyzer. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This Breathalyzer must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Texan. " Tonight I'm the designated decoy."
Signs
In an office: TOILET OUT OF ORDER.....PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW In a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR Notice in a farmer's field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES. On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK
You know that you are living in the US of A if :
1.You accidentally enter your password on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of four. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You go home after a long day at work and still answer the phone in a business manner. 7. You make phone calls from home and accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line. 8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies. 10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news. 11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job. 12 You pull up in your own driveway and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. 13. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen. 14. Leaving the house without your mobile phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 15. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. 16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :) 17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. 19. You are too busy to notice there was no number 9 on this list. 20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a number 9 on > this list.
Add this to your cell phone immediately
I thought this was good information, and you never know when you'll be glad you did this! Paramedics will turn to a victim's cell phone for clues to that person's identity. You can make their job much easier with a simple idea that they are trying to get everyone to adopt: ICE. ICE stands for In Case of Emergency. If you add an entry in the contacts list in your cell phone under ICE, with the name and phone no. of the person that the emergency services should call on your behalf, you can save them a lot of time and have your loved ones contacted quickly. It only takes a few moments of your time to do. Paramedics know what ICE means and they look for it immediately. ICE your cell phone NOW! Please pass this one along.
Chutney sauces
Mango chutney for fish and steak 1/2 cup mayonnaise 1/4 cup chutney (mango chutney, like Earl Grey's) 1 tablespoon lemon juice 1 teaspoon curry powder ---------------------------------------------------- For chicken Blueberry Chutney Sauce: 1 tablespoon olive oil 1/3 cup finely chopped red onion 1/2 cup tomato catsup 1/4 cup reserved marinade 2 cups fresh blueberries, rinsed, picked over 1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice 1 tablespoon brown sugar Reserved grated rind of 1 orange Dash of salt In a medium saucepan, heat oil. Sauté onion 2 minutes or until soft. Add the remaining ingredients. Simmer over low, stirring often, 15 minutes or until mixture thickens slightly and the blueberries become soft. Use at once or cool and refrigerate. Rewarm as needed. ----------------------------------------------------- Tomato chutney Ingredients 1 whole head garlic, peeled & chopped One 2-inch piece of fresh ginger (1 inch by 1 inch), peeled and chopped 1-1/2 cups red wine vinegar 2 pounds fresh skinned tomatoes (or 1 pound and 12 ounces canned whole tomatoes) 1-1/2 cups granulated sugar 1-1/2 teaspoon salt 1/4 to 1/2 teaspoon cayenne pepper (depending on how hot you like it) 2 Tablespoons golden raisins 2 Tablespoons blanched slivered almonds Put the garlic, ginger and 1/2 cup of vinegar in the food processor and process until smooth. In a large, heavy-bottomed pot, place the tomatoes (and juice from the can if using canned tomatoes) and the rest of the vinegar, sugar, salt, cayenne. Bring to a boil. Add the puree from the food processor and simmer uncovered for about 2 to 3 hours until it thickens and a film clings to a spoon when dipped. Stir occasionally at first and more frequently later as it thickens. You may need to lower the heat as the liquid diminishes. Add almonds and raisins. Simmer, stirring another 5 minutes. Turn off the heat and let cool. It should be as thick as honey. Bottle in clean containers, and refrigerate. Must be kept in the refrigerator. Good indefinitely. Makes about 2 cups. ---------------------------------------------------- Cranberry Apple Chutney Ingredients 1 pound fresh cranberries 1 cup sugar 1/4 cup red wine vinegar 1/3 cup sugar 1/2 teaspoon cloves 1/2 cup chopped walnuts 1 cup water 2 green apples 2 Tablespoons lemon juice 1 Tablespoon cinnamon 1 Tablespoon grated ginger In a saucepan, combine the cranberries and one cup of the sugar. Bring to a boil, then reduce the heat and simmer for 10 minutes. Peel, core, and cube the apples and place them in another saucepan along with the vinegar, lemon juice, 1/3 cup sugar, cinnamon, cloves, ginger, and walnuts. Lightly cook the mixture until the apples are soft. Combine the apple and cranberry mixtures and allow to cool. Refrigerate. Serves: 8 to 10 ---------------------------------------------------- Peach and Tequila sunrise chutney for steaks, pork tenderloin, fish, chicken INGREDIENTS: 1/2 cup peach preserves 1/4 cup Worcestershire sauce 1/4 cup apple cider vinegar 1 cup orange juice 2 (1.5 fluid ounce) jiggers tequila 1/4 cup chopped onion 1 clove garlic, minced salt and pepper to taste DIRECTIONS: In a medium bowl, stir together the peach preserves, Worcestershire sauce, vinegar, orange juice, tequila, onion, garlic, salt and pepper. Use half of the mixture to marinate your meat. Pour the remainder into a saucepan, and bring to a boil. Boil for about 10 minutes, or until thickened. Use as a sauce for your cooked meat. ---------------------------------------------------- Spicy and sweet...also good on flatbreads- INGREDIENTS: 2 cups chopped tomatoes 2 teaspoons ginger 1 teaspoon minced garlic 2 tablespoons chopped cilantro 2 teaspoons chili powder 1 tablespoon white sugar salt to taste DIRECTIONS: In a saucepan over medium heat, combine the tomatoes, ginger, garlic, cilantro, chili powder sugar and salt. Simmer over medium heat, stirring occasionally, until thick and saucy, about 10 minutes. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sweet and spicy this goes with breads, cheeses and chicken INGREDIENTS: 2 pounds apples - peeled, cored and sliced 2 cups water 1 tablespoon mustard seed 2 pounds tomatoes, sliced 2 large onions, chopped 1 clove garlic, chopped 1/2 cup sultana raisins 3/4 cup white sugar 5 teaspoons curry powder 1 teaspoon cayenne pepper 4 teaspoons salt 2 1/2 cups malt vinegar DIRECTIONS: Place apples and water in a large saucepan. Bring to a boil, reduce heat, and cook 25 minutes, or until apples are tender, stirring occasionally. Add more water as necessary to keep the apples simmering. Wrap mustard seed in cheesecloth, and place with apples. Mix tomatoes, onions, garlic, sultanas, sugar, curry powder, cayenne pepper, salt and vinegar into saucepan. Stir until sugar has dissolved. Bring the mixture to a boil. Reduce heat, and simmer 3 hours, stirring occassionally, until a thick chutney remains. Remove and discard wrapped mustard seed. Seal chutney in sterile containers until serving. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Peach and tomato chutney....so good you will be putting it on everything INGREDIENTS: 15 tomatoes, peeled and chopped 5 fresh peaches - peeled, pitted and chopped 5 red apples - peeled, cored and diced 4 medium onions, diced 4 stalks celery, diced 1 1/2 cups distilled white vinegar 1 tablespoon salt 1 cup pickling spice, wrapped in cheesecloth DIRECTIONS: Combine the tomatoes, peaches, apples, onions, celery, vinegar, salt and pickling spice in a large stockpot. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat to low, and simmer for about 2 hours, or until thickened. Transfer to sterile jars and store in the refrigerator, or freeze in plastic containers. ----------------------------------------------------
The Fork
"FORK" This woman was diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things "in order," she contacted her Pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes. She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in. Everything was in order and the Pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her. "There's one more thing," she said excitedly. "What's that?" came the Pastor's reply. "This is very important," the young woman continued. "I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand." The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say. "That surprises you, doesn't it?" the young woman asked. "Well, to be honest, I'm puzzled by the request," said the Pastor. The young woman explained. "My grandmother once told me this story, and from that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement." "In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say,....." 'Keep your fork.' "It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming...like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie." ! 'Something wonderful, and with substance!' So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder "What's with the fork?" Then I want you to tell them: "Keep your fork .the best is yet to come." The Pastor's eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did.She had a better grasp of what h! eaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming. At the funeral people were walking by the young woman's casket and they saw fork placed in her right hand. Over and over, the Pastor heard the question, "What's with the fork?" And over and over he smiled. During his message, the Pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. He told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either. He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork let it remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come. Friends are a very rare jewel, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share a word of praise, and they always want to open their hearts to us. Show your friends how much you care. Remember to always be there for them, even when you need them more. For you never know when it may be their time to "Keep your fork." Cherish the time you have, and the memories you share...being friends with someone is not an opportunity but a sweet responsibility. Send this to everyone you consider a FRIEND even if it means sending back to the person who sent it to You ________________________________
Wednesday, 13 July 2005
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