“BANTER MEDLEY”

(compiled from various live shows)

 

COX:  Staring intently at the keyboard…

NOAH: This tune right here is for, uh, Terry outta Oregon…

DAMIAN:  Yeah!

NOAH:  Um…it’s a Frank Zappa song, and is…

DAMIAN:  What’s up, Terry outta Oregon?

NOAH:  It was requested—

DAMIAN:  Thanks for coming!

NOAH:  —uh, by uh, Bobby Jordan, ‘cause his buddy was comin’ down from Oregon, he’s a Zappa freak.

COX:  Heh-heh.  Who isn’t?

NOAH:  Yes.

DAMIAN:  Thanks for comin’ out, you guys.  We were afraid that no one was coming and then we were scared…that’s all.  That’s all.

COX:  And then we went home to paint our miniatures…

DAMIAN:  Heh-hah-hah-hah.  But then you guys came and made us happy.

COX & AUDIENCE MEMBER IN UNISON:  Yay!

ANOTHER AUDIENCE MEMBER:  I’m still coming.

DAMIAN:  Heh-hey!  That’s—

JON:  You were paid to be here.

NOAH: There’s cockroaches on my fuckin’….alright.

COX:  Bugs on m’skin!!

DAMIAN:  This one flew all the way from Hungary, so it might be a little tired.

COX:  Or…?

DAMIAN:  Or not.

COX:  …or a little hungry…!

DAMIAN:  That one was called “12/21” and it’s about people who wait in their backyard for a spaceship to pick ‘em up!  …or wait, is it the people who killed themselves?  I don’t remember.  Better remember that though, seriously.

LARRY:  OK, everybody hit an A chord for me. 

 

[BAND PLAYS A-MINOR CHORD]

 

LARRY:  Beautiful.  Thank you.  Ready.

DAMIAN:  You just gotta do it like Army of Trees, man, they don’t need no setlist…they just fuckin’ ROCK.  ….yeah ya do, come on.

NOAH:  Lemme adjust muh….m’thing here.

JON:  Not in front of everybody, please.

DAMIAN:  We like to bring the rock to you…enjoy it very much we do—

NOAH:  —and it’s affordable rock!

DAMIAN:  —yes, yes.

NOAH:  Affordable rock.  Two CDs for sale.

JON:  Oh, shhhhhi—

DAMIAN:  …and it will be coming out on our new album, “Quantum Immortality”, whenever we fuckin’ finish it….

 

[JAZZ INTERLUDE]

 

DAMIAN: …’scuse my pessimism.  Jazzzzz.

COX:  C’mon, Jean-Luc!

 

[DAMIAN PARODIES JEAN-LUC PONTY FOR THIRTY SECONDS]

 

NOAH:  That can only happen if I fuck up.  If anybody else fucks up, I can’t play jazz.

DAMIAN:  Ha ha ha ha ha.  YEAH!!  You got—

NOAH:  Moscow?

DAMIAN:  —whatever.  Whatever your shtick is, do it now, if it involves alcohol. 

 

[“BIG FAT BAGS OF CRANK” DISCO VAMP]

 

DAMIAN:  We have a savior, everyone!  We don’t even know his name yet.

COX:  Lyrics?  Oh yeah.  [rapping] “Big! Fat! Bags of crank! Said, big fat bags of crank!”

JON:  [yells] Coyote!

COX:  [rapping] “Big! Fat! Bags of crank! Said, big fat bags of crank!  Coyote!  Big! Fat! Bags of crank! Said, big fat bags of crank!”  “Why oh why must you swoop through the hood like everybody from the hood is up to no good?”  This ain’t no disco…this is L.A.!

DAMIAN:  Are we really fuckin’ partyin’ here, or what?  WHOO!!

COX:  I didn’t see no disco dancing you know.

DAMIAN:  Everyone just have a beer, y’know…then we’ll be one beer better by the time you’re done.

 

[DISCO VAMP ENDS]

 

COX:  Hey, we’re back from intermission.

DAMIAN:  Whoo-hoo! Time for Act II de las Pesadillas!  Can I get still a little less of the fiddle in the monitor, Larry?  Sorry to be bitchy, but…

LARRY:  Sure, no problem, baby!  You’re the greatest!

DAMIAN:  You know I’ll make it up to ya later.

NOAH:  OK!  Sorry.  When I was puttin’ this suit on I forgot to work the bugs out of m’rig, so....

DAMIAN:  I don’t know, how much time do y’all reckon we have up here?

AUDIENCE MEMBER:  A lot!

DAMIAN:  A lot?  Ahh. Quantify that please.

NOAH:  I was just gonna say “False Horse” actually.

DAMIAN:  If we’re gonna play one more I gotta tune real quick.  [tunes]  Yeahh!  Hey, man, we’re too immersed in the rock ‘n’ roll here to…worry about…

COX:  …soundin’ good…

DAMIAN:  Thanks, we got one more for ya, it’s called “Planned Obsolescence”, and it’s about getting fucked over in space!

JON:  What else we got up there besides…

NOAH:  Um…that’s the last one, except for “Schadenfruede”…

JON:  That wasn’t on there.

DAMIAN:  We ain’t doin’ that shit.

NOAH:  …no, that wasn’t on here. 

JON:  I thought we had three guitar songs.

NOAH:  We could do “Caravan” by Duke Ellington!

JON:  I can do that!

COX:  Baby wants a cigarette!  Baby likey—

DAMIAN:  OK, once again…it’s about being fucked over in space.

NOAH:  ‘Cause space is fucked.

DAMIAN:  [singing]  “God gave rock ‘n’ roll to ya…” A big ol’ howdy from Orangevale here…yeah, the secret signal is THIS!

JON:  [fart noise]

DAMIAN:  Whoo!  Ha ha ha ha.  Did—didja get that?

NOAH:  This is—

DAMIAN:  Need me to say it again?

NOAH:  This is a tune outta, uh, Germantown.  Germanyville.

DAMIAN:  Why don’t you tell everyone what this song is about? 

NOAH:  Um…

DAMIAN:  ‘Cause I’m curious, I don’t even know—

NOAH:  I’m not sure either—

DAMIAN:  —and I fuckin’ play it.

NOAH:  —I think it’s, uh, it’s some kinda broken-hearted thing.

DAMIAN:  A broken-hearted thing with some dark, dark images?

NOAH:  [strums out-of-tune guitar] Ooh, hang on.

LARRY:  I need you to just do the right rack and floor.

 

[FAKE DRUM SOLO]

 

LARRY:  Thank you sir.

DAMIAN:  That’s the most of a drum solo you’ll ever hear outta this guy.  …we’ll be playin’ for another few minutes and then…Low Flying Owls will, uh, take ya on into bliss.

COX:  With jazz! One, two—

NOAH:  Yeah, play jazz.

COX:  —a-one-two-three.

 

[ANOTHER JAZZ INTERLUDE]

 

DAMIAN:  Jazzz.  [unintelligible] into the cool night!  I felt a shiver!

AUDIENCE MEMBER #1:  Fuckin-aye?

COX:  “Put them headphones on, it’s be-bop time!”  …“Ray’s guitar broke”…

DAMIAN:  I guess we won’t be playing “I’m The Guitarist” tonight…

NOAH:  [unintelligible] …I appreciate it though!  …I will!

AUDIENCE MEMBER #2:  Hey Paul!

COX:  I think the jazz is helping.

AUDIENCE MEMBER #3 (PAUL):  Huh?

AUDIENCE MEMBER #2:  Wanna see if he wants to play with us…[unintelligible]…listen to that tone, man…

AUDIENCE MEMBER #3 (PAUL):  Yeah.

AUDIENCE MEMBER #2:  Like, it’s beyond…

AUDIENCE MEMBER #3 (PAUL):  Well, I was thinkin’ we shoulda showed the bass player also the, uh, um, uh…

AUDIENCE MEMBER #2:  You can’t even tell, all you do is you hear it.  That’s it.  You don’t hear any clankin’, or nothin’.

AUDIENCE MEMBER #3 (PAUL):  Yeah.  Yeah, he—

AUDIENCE MEMBER #2:  …unreal.  And so quiet [unintelligible]

AUDIENCE MEMBER #3 (PAUL):  Well, again, the bass player [unintelligible].  His bass could sound the same way.

COX [rapping]: “Bangkok! Oriental setting, and the city don’t know what the city is gettin’, the crème de la crème of the chess world, in a show with everything but Yul Brynner.”  Behhh-bep!

 

[JAZZ INTERLUDE STOPS]

 

DAMIAN:  Does anyone out there play RISK?  Seriously?  You can fuckin’ admit playin’ RISK, alright?  ‘Cause it’s still cool.  OK!  OK.  Asia?  Can anyone hold Asia?  No.

RISK FAN IN AUDIENCE:  Australia!

COX:  Asia Carrera?

DAMIAN:  Ha-ha.  Exactly!

 

[JAZZ INTERLUDE RESUMES]

 

AUDIENCE MEMBER #2:  Drummer’s [unintelligible]...  Heard he plays guitar in a grindcore band [unintelligible] …have you seen them? [unintelligible]

 

[JAZZ INTERLUDE STOPS—POLICE SIRENS AND FIRE TRUCK HONKS ARE HEARD]

 

COX:  Standby.

JON:  We’re gonna be able to break here—

NOAH:  Who left the iron on?

DAMIAN:  They’re coming because our riffs are so hot.

NOAH:  Y’ready?

COX:  It’s a bambalance.

YOUNG CHILD IN CROWD:  Hu-huh-ha-ha-ha!

DAMIAN:  I’m gonna sing a song for y’all next, but before I do, I’m gonna take the opportunity to point out our lovely merch table, with the lovely Mindy attending it…

COX:  Huh-huh, once again…

DAMIAN:  We have brand-new t-shirts, bargain-basement price of ten bucks.

JON:  And they’re lovely.

DAMIAN:  And they are lovely.  And, scary at the same time, just like us!

JON:  Whoohoohoohoohoohoo!

NOAH:  Here’s a song about everybody dyin’ in a car wreck.

COX:  …called…

NOAH:  Like, this whole damn place, full of car wrecks, but…me.

DAMIAN:  Who’s a fan of D minor, I mean, c’mon, let’s be honest.  A round of applause for D minor!  Whooo!

COX:  Without making Spinal Tap jokes.

NOAH:  I know a few people in here that are a fan of minors, but…

COX:  Huh-huh-HAW-HAW!

 

[LOUD HIT FROM END OF “EVERYBODY DIED BUT ME”]

 

COX:  Thank yuh!

RISK FAN IN AUDIENCE:  You took Asia!

DAMIAN:  Thanks, guys.

JON:  Muchos gracias.

DAMIAN:  We do have CDs, uh, available…

NOAH:  That guy just told us we took Asia.

DAMIAN:  We took Asia?  Oh-ho-ho-ho-DUDE! Thank you!  That fuckin’ rules.

UNIDENTIFIED AUDIENCE MEMBER:  You mean the country, or the band?

DAMIAN:  And we shall hold ASIAAAA…

NOAH:  Both!

DAMIAN:  Ha ha ha ha.  ‘Cause with Asia comes Australia, and you know that’s a good thing.

RISK FAN IN AUDIENCE:  Exactly.

COX:  That was about RISK…

DAMIAN:  So before we alienate any more people by, uh, y’know, talking like we’re thirteen…

NOAH:  That sound came back.

COX:  …this next one’s about Dungeons & Dragons.

DAMIAN:  Ha ha ha ha.  …is it?

JON:  No…

DAMIAN:  Oh good. 

NOAH:  “I’m The Guitarist”?

COX:  It’s called “I’m The Dungeonmaster”.

NOAH:  This song is now called “I’m The Dungeonmaster”.

COX:  Says you.

JON:  “Level 5 Dungeonmaster”.

NOAH:  Who’s gonna—

COX:  “Bag of Holding”.

NOAH:  —who’s gonna DM tonight, Ben….or Colby?

COX:  I want my miniatures back.

UNIDENTIFED AUDIENCE MEMBER:  I want the magic dagger!

NOAH:  I got a Bag of Holding full of rock ‘n’ roll right here…

DAMIAN:  Ha ha ha ha ha.

NOAH:  Thank y’all very goddamn much.

DAMIAN:  Thanks to Jerry Perry, Call Me Ishmael, Low Flying Owls, and all the muthafuckas that made it possible…sorry.

JERRY (PARK):  Yeah…what he said.

JERRY (OLD I):  All right.  As always, it is great to have these guys here, and there’s always something, like, just incredible about any show they do, and the most incredible thing I heard, uh, coming from Las Pesadillas this week, is that Noah Nelson is the only guy I know who actually got Pixies tickets by standing in line.  I’m so impressed.  That is just incredible, like, literally, he told me, he stood in line, got there early, he ordered six tickets and the person behind him ordered one, it was sold out.  So, there ya go.  Too amazing.  Umm…yeah, everybody make some noise, please, for Las Pesadillas.

JERRY (PARK): I’ve done dozens and dozens of shows with these guys, seen them I don’t know how many times, I swear to God they never cease to amaze me, you can see them one night and see a completely different show the next night, I have no idea what we’re gonna see tonight, except I know it’s gonna be wonderful, ladies and gentlemen, let’s hear it for Las Pesadillas.

 

[END OF SHOW—THE JUKEBOX STARTS PLAYING]

 

NOAH:  Anybody got a light?

COX:  Yeah.

NOAH:  Huh-huh-huh.

COX:  Yeah…

NOAH:  We’re headlinin’, we don’t have to move shit.

DAMIAN:  Huh?

NOAH:  We don’t have to move shit just yet.

DAMIAN:  Yeah, I know.

NOAH:  That was sweet, man!

DAMIAN:  Who is it?

NOAH:  What’s that?

DAMIAN:  Who is this?

NOAH:  Naw, I said that was sweet.

DAMIAN:  Oh.  Fuck yeah.