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Another questionnaire forwarded from Anndrija. All of the questions are presented

verbatim—all the stuff about Calypso Breeze was in the original. I think I've answered

these questions before, in better/worse e-mail questionnaires. But I've put more

creativity into the answers this time, so it might be worth reading...maybe not.

Some of these answers are true.

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1. WHAT TIME IS IT? 2:13 pm

2. NAME: J. D. Napolitano

3. NICKNAMES: Jason, Julaug Sepoctnov, Frankie Fuccifino, D.J. Abortion

4. PARENT'S NAMES: DxRx 'n' TxLx

5. CURRENT AGE: Not counting the bad years, uh...I have yet to be conceived

6. BIRTHDAY: Four days before the anniversary of X-Day

7. PETS: None DEAD PETS: Rascal, Anchovy, Clover, Tribble, Silver

MISSING PRESUMED ALIVE: Lucifer, Ghetto

8. HEIGHT: 71 inches (approx)

9. EYE COLOR: Yes, and eye draw and eye sculpt.

10. HAIR COLOR: Ah! Herr Color! Meet Herr Professor Schadenfraude.

11. PIERCINGS: never

12. TATTOOS: pic of Bob Marley with pursed lips on the head of my penis. It was Damian's idea.

13. HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE YOUR JOB?: I especially love his book

14. BIRTHPLACE: Somewhere in the vicinity of a hospital bed

15. CURRENT RESIDENCE: last Residents CD I bought was probably the re-release of ESKIMO.

16. HAD THE DRINK CALYPSO BREEZE?: This is a fucking scam by the makers of some pissfire queerwater titty-sucker's drink to perform some kind of
subliminal demographic tests on unsuspecting e-mailers upon which they mean to push their shitty baby-hooch! Not like the manly, home-stilled COLLAPSING
KNEES©®, a refreshing blend of tonic water, loganberry derivatives, kumquat extract and undifferentiated tissue. "That tingling tells you it's working!™"

Available wherever awkward and unsatisfying blowjobs are sold.

17. BEEN IN LOVE BEFORE?: Once, in Africa

18. BEEN TO AFRICA?: No

19. BEEN TOILET PAPERING?: Once, with someone I loved (so much I cried before, during, and after).

20. LOVED SOMEBODY SO MUCH YOU CRIED? The girl who sold me the toilet paper

21. BEEN DRUNK?: Only on COLLAPSING KNEES 151©®, a hearty brew virtually dripping with crapulence. Made from everything that goes into ORIGINAL
RECIPE COLLAPSING KNEES©®, but with 151 varieties of airborne spores, mashed into a fine paste and fermented right in the bottle. "Mmm, this Collapsing
Knees is making me fall down!™" Available wherever ancient, hand-tooled ornamental statues of Jesus, imported from Ljubljana, are purported to be sold.

22. BEEN IN A CAR CRASH?: Once, as a result of being drunk on NON-ALCOHOLIC YET STILL VOMIT-INDUCING COLLAPSING KNEES©®

23. CROUTONS OR BACON BITS?: any pork product formed into the shape of a crouton

24. SPRITE OR SEVEN UP?: seven (you know) up (your you know)

25. BLANKET OR STUFFED ANIMALS?: I fucking DARE you to ask this question to a homeless person. Asshole.

26. FAVORITE SALAD DRESSING: bacon

27: NUMBER: I don't think I want you to have my number.

28. PLACE TO BE KISSED: Lips, Rome, nipple, back of the car, Ljubljana

29. MOVIE: "City Slickers 3: Billy Crystal Sucks His Own Dick While Bruno Kirby Watches"

30. QUOTE FROM A MOVIE: "Do you know that I do a lot of improvising that isn't funny, and when I get stuck I invoke my faith for the sake of confused laughter?

...Hey, everybody, I'm a Jew! Nnnngaaauggh nnnnnggaaauughmmm." -Billy Crystal in "City Slickers 4: Jack Palance Also Watches Billy Crystal Suck His Own Dick"

31. FAVORITE HOLIDAY: Billie, roasting on a crude spit in my bedroom

32. FOOD: Roasted Holiday with chilled wine, maybe a nice red COLLAPSING KNEES©® LTD. ED. I CAN'T BELIEVE THERE'S NO GRAPES brand

33. DAY OF THE WEEK: Holiday (see #31)

34. SONG: "Goorew" by RECREATIONAL EPISIOTOMY

35. T.V. SHOW: When I Attack The Television (poss. Fox network)

36. PLACE THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO VISIT: Valhalla

37. WORD OR PHRASE: "wordphrase"

38. COLOR: ...I'm turning blue...

39. TOOTHPASTE: horseshit

40. RESTAURANT: horseshit

41. FLOWER: mushrooms grown under horseshit

42. LEAST FAVORITE SCHOOL SUBJECT: Metaphysical Applications of Horseshit 200 (agricultural prerequisite)

44. SPORT TO WATCH: Why yes, I'd be a sport to watch, old boy. Do carry on, then. Crikey.

45. ZOO EXHIBIT: electric prod parade

46. SESAME STREET CHARACTER: Whoever that one was, the little guy with the receding hairline that sucked his own dick.

47. FAST FOOD RESTAURANT: Hairpie Sonkyou (take out)

48. FAVORITE DRINK: see #16, #21, #22, #32, #43, #45

49. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR BEDROOM'S CARPET?: why don't you just take a closer look. Yeah, put your face down by it. Oh, you'd get a better look if
you bent over. Uh huh. Isn’t it hot in here with those pants on? Oh what a giveaway.

50. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF OUIJA BOARDS?: S-U-C-K-M-Y-D-I-C-K-GOODBYE

51. WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN TEN YEARS?: still at a keyboard

52. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A CRIME?: Once me and Aubree were suspected of murder--really. (They were looking for a couple matching our
description, in a dark blue Lincoln with New Hampshire plates. Fit us PERFECTLY. Then they searched the trunk and found a bunch of halloween masks that we were using for our band. It was hilarious)

53. AT WHICH STORE WOULD YOU MAX OUT YOUR CREDIT CARD?: S-U-C-K-M-Y-D-I-C-K-GOODBYE

54. WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO WHEN YOU ARE BORED?: I like to watch "City Slickers 5: Billy Crystal Sucks His Own Dick and Washes It Down With a Silly
Fictitious Alcoholic Drink While Daniel Stern Tears The Skin Off of Bruno Kirby With His Teeth"

55. NAME THE PERSON YOU ARE FRIENDS WITH THAT LIVES THE FARTHEST AWAY: myself

56. THINGS THAT ANNOY YOU THE MOST: people who don't fart

57. BEDTIME: yes please

58. WHO WILL RESPOND TO THIS THE FASTEST?: no one will fucking read this far

59. WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?: whoever doesn't read this far (i.e. fucking everyone)

60. WHAT TIME IS IT NOW?: time is an affliction (3:06pm)

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