(NOTE: ONE THING I HATE IS SHITTY, JPG-Y LOOKING BACKGROUND TILES.
I SWEAR I WILL EVENTUALLY FIX THE SHITTY ONE* YOU'RE SQUINTING AT RIGHT NOW. EVENTUALLY.)
I HAD A WHOLE BUNCH OF TOPICS I WANTED TO DISCUSS HERE ON THE HATE PAGE,
BUT THEN I WAS OVERWHELMED BY HATRED WHEN WRITING ABOUT THEM.
PLUS, EVERYTHING I THOUGHT OF REMINDED ME OF SOMETHING ELSE I HATED,
SO THERE WAS JUST TOO MUCH TO DEAL WITH.
THEN I STARTED THIS CLEVER LITTLE WORDY ARTICLE THAT SAID BASICALLY WHAT I'VE JUST EXPLAINED TO YOU,
EXCEPT IT WAS WRITTEN MORE AS A COMEDY PIECE (DESPITE NOT BEING FUNNY).
THEN I GOT PISSED OFF BECAUSE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE HATE PAGE,
AND I WROTE A COMEDY BIT THAT SUCKED.
SO FUCK THE HATE PAGE (FOR NOW), AND FUCK YOU.
...ACTUALLY, THERE IS ONE THING THAT PROMPTED ME TO WRITE WHAT I'M WRITING NOW:
COMMERCIALS THAT FEATURE LOUD SOUNDS OF PEOPLE EATING.
I HATE WHEN PEOPLE EAT WITH THEIR MOUTHS OPEN, AND IF I CATCH YOU DOING IT YOU'LL BE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DIRT.
MOSTLY IT'S THE CARL'S JR. COMMERCIALS THEY'VE BEEN RUNNING FOR YEARS NOW, THAT BEGAN
WITH THEIR "OUR FOOD HAS TOO MUCH SAUCE ON IT" CAMPAIGN.
ANOTHER OFFENDER IS THE "GOT MILK" ADS, IN PARTICULAR THE ONE WITH THE GUY IN THE FULL-BODY CAST.
NOT ONLY DO WE GET LOUD SOUNDS OF EATING COOKIES, BUT THE CLOSE-MIKED SOUND OF 10 PEOPLE EACH SLURPING AND GULPING FUCKING MILK WHILE THE GUY SCREAMS.
BUT THE WORST SO FAR: I WAS JUST ASSAULTED BY A FULL-SCREEN POP-UP AD FOR PEPSI THAT FEATURES THE SOUNDS OF A DOG EATING A SANDWICH
(VERY MESSILY) AND SLURPING UP SODA. I HAVE FUCKING HEADPHONES ON, AND IT WAS LOUD.
I ATTEMPTED TO CLOSE THE WINDOW 20 TIMES, AND THE SOUNDTRACK CONTINUED BLARING IN MY EARS.
I WISH THERE WAS ONLY ONE PERSON RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL OF THIS.
THIS IS AN OPEN LETTER TO THAT IMAGINED PERSON: I AM NOT FUCKING JOKING, THIS IS NOT HYPERBOLE, AND YES, THIS IS A THREAT,
I AM GOING TO VIOLENTLY KILL YOU.
AGAIN, THIS IS NOT AN EXAGGERATION ABOUT HURTING YOU BAD IN A FISTFIGHT, I MEAN YOU WILL NOT BE FUCKING BREATHING ANYMORE.
SURE, I'LL ROT IN JAIL FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, BUT THEN I'LL SHOW THEM A PRINTOUT OF THIS WEBPAGE,
AND I FUCKING BET YOU MOST PEOPLE WILL UNDERSTAND.
AND IF THEY DON'T, FUCK THEM TOO.
DIE!
* lou reed, a coconut, dharma & greg, gin, non-smoking, family circus, 3 olives,
and the bible. of course, you can't tell, because it looks so fucking SHITTY)
