POOPS AND FARTS:

a short essay on the true nature of human comedy

by Jason Cox

 

 

It brings me great joy and relief to bring you the following message, as it is as close to real divine inspiration as you or I will ever come.

 

The other day at my job, I experience what one can only call an epiphany. I was sitting on the toilet. The toilets in the men's bathroom had been experiencing some trouble in the arena of flushing lately, resulting in a lot of spillage, foul odor, and what are known as "comeback" flushes. It was instructed that we were to flush twice upon completion of our business, even to the point of a written notice posted on the back of the stall door. It read:

 

PLEASE FLUSH TWICE, WHATEVER YOU DO.

 

This, in itself, was funny enough—especially the double meaning of "whatever you do" (as in whatever business you are completing, and also as the common expression roughly translated as "no matter what else you intend to do, you must include this"). But I noticed that someone had scribbled a new word at the end, making the sign now read:

 

PLEASE FLUSH TWICE, WHATEVER YOU DO-DO.

 

I took out a pen and wrote, with a line indicating this last addition:

 

"THIS IS NO PLACE FOR TOILET HUMOR!"

 

And thus began a new forum of comedy. Other bathroom goers began to add more and more comments: “I’m flush with anger!” “Oakland needs the water”, etc. This was the catalyst for my theory.

 

I postulate that poops and farts are the only things that are truly funny.

 

This example deals mainly with the function and mystique involving the standard bathroom toilet, but of course, few can argue this common device’s existence without someone to sit on it. Needless to say, many have taken issue, and of course offense, to my theorem. Many have called it "juvenile". And to this I have (no pun intended) a rebuttal.

 

There is such an idea as reincarnation. There are some sects that believe the knowledge from the past life is present in the infant in which the new life begins. (This might account for the seemingly unprovoked crying commonly found in the very young.) As time goes on, however, the memories fade, slowly, and life and knowledge begin anew. Taken as truth, this concept proves precisely why grammar-school-aged children instinctively find matters of the ass funny. No one had to tell them—they accept it as indisputable truth, and laugh accordingly.

 

But our world being the way it is, those who have "grown up" suppress (or try to) these intuitions, perhaps jealous or even embarrassed by their relatively recent past. Eventually it is learned that the only things that are funny are what are taught as such.

 

But if this is the information we carry from our "past life", then at what point is this truth accepted? Or discovered for the first time? I prefer to believe that it is revealed after death, after the living, farting body has died. As to who or what is to be praised for this information is a mystery—indeed, life would not have the potential to be as indescribably joyous if not for the eternal struggle for knowledge!

 

So for those weary from the struggle, I offer condolence in this one truth: "poops and farts” is funny. Always has been, always will be. In fact, I surmise that they remain the only true source of comedy in the universe. All else is a pale distortion, rooted in the shit, and as it is transformed, becomes more and more unfunny. To this end (no pun intended) I will grant the fact that the connection is often times difficult to grasp—but it is always there, assuredly providing the basis of comedy for all Homo sapiens. What other aspect of life bridges the gaps between age, gender, lifestyle, race, color, region, religion, or species? Oh, sure, SEX and DEATH can be described this way. And it’s partly true! No matter what, this trinity of simple, honest, and irrepressibly human joke-starters will always be universal, so to speak. Many reasons can be cited, not the least of which is their innate hilariousness.

And because they are so simple, there are many diverse facets and flavors, if you will, of comedic style. Under the blunt header of “SEX, DEATH, AND SCATOLOGY”, we find therein:

 

“SEX”

1. Copulation—recreational intercourse between two or more humans.

a. Subjects of futility, frustration, desire/lack of desire, boredom. Homophobia. Disease. Destructive behavioral patterns, compulsion.

b. Masturbation: effects of, symptoms belying; metaphoric parody.

2. Gender.

                a. Male/Female categorical stereotypes and exaggerated emotional traits.

                b. Physical comedy—unnatural attention paid to qualities of select areas, or lack thereof.

 

“DEATH”

1. Slapstick.

                a. Misfortune in the form of gracelessness, to a tragic end—logical extreme of physical pain.

b. Homicide, suicide, et al. “Cartoonish” violence and emotionless (or extremely emotional, yet inappropriate emotion) killing of individual(s).

2. Fear.

                a. Human fear of dying, irrational fear of unknown.

                b. Fear of pain taken to logical extreme.

                c. Fear of aging taken to logical extreme—stereotypes of the elderly.

 

                These subjects are all accepted, generally, as great setups to The Big Punchline. And none so more than the subject of our discussion, which is so all-encompassing as to almost cause immediate overexposure. So we’ll keep it to its base minimum here—I don’t want to overstate the obvious.

 

1. The Ass.

2. Poop.

3. Diarrhea.

4. Farts.

5. Anal sex.

6. Anal leakage.

7. Enemas.

8. Asshair.

9. Hemorrhoids.

10. Ruptured anal tissue.

11. Blunt trauma and/or puncture wounds to the fleshy part of the ass (“cheeks”).

12. Rectal bleeding.

 

                I bet you’re laughing already, huh? That’s about it, I suppose, for the “Big Dozen”—and connect any of these with portions of SEX and DEATH (above), and you’ve got a comedy bombshell.

 

                I doubt there can be any dissenters anymore. I’ve made my point clear enough. It’s only a matter of time before the rest of the world catches on to what they’ve known all along.